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About Arctangent

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  1. Aight, so, I could use some adulting advice from people who've possibly had to deal with this stuff, so


    Right now, I'm pretty heavily a dependent on my family, but for various reasons that's incredibly stifling and I'm not sure if I'll ever move forward in life while I'm stuck there. However, I've struggled to find any sort of employment around here, and even if I did I'm not sure if I could manage to keep a normal job due to some mental health issues that are currently going ignored by my family. I do have two good friends that have ( individually ) outright offered to house me in the near-future, though, but between there and here there lies some significant issues.


    Namely, I have no idea how to handle moving out.


    Part of the issue is that I'd mostly be moving in on my friends' good will, although I'd also be able to help around the house and notably neither of my friends are capable of driving, something I can do. But also, my family barely knows about these friends, they both live out of state, and I have no employment lined up for me in either state, so I can't help but feel that telling my family I want to move out would just end up with the exact opposite of support, especially since they don't have the best faith in me. So chances are I'd just have to do the entirety of it on my own, and I don't even know where to start.


    I do "have" my own car, but that's one of my main issues: I'm not sure who technically owns it, or even if that's an issue, all I know is that it was a gift from my dad ( mostly, I might add, so that getting me and my brother to school was less of an issue ). I'd imagine insurance wouldn't be too big of an immediate issue - after all, even if I get removed from my family's plan, it's not like my friends aren't expecting to pick up the slack with my expenses - but I have no idea if just driving off one day would constitute as theft, and I'd rather not take my chances on whether or not my family would pursue that to either track me or the car down. There's also concerns about this with the rest of my possessions, but, well, computers and clothes don't come with legally-required licenses plates that the police can just report if they spot on the streets.


    Then there's cutting the trail if they do decide to pursue me but can't do so through my car. I honestly don't know how much this all matters, but my phone's on my dad's cellular plan and my bank account is set up so that my savings will automatically go to my mom if I end up dying. I might be just worrying way too much about this and there's no actual reason for me to cut all ties so dramatically, but I just really don't know how my family would react to me suddenly leaving, so I want to be prepared for the worst.


    Then I guess general moving out advice would be pretty handy, too. I suppose I'm going from dependent to dependent ( albeit with far more room to stretch my wings and potentially become independent, or at least capable of adding to the collective income ) so it's not like I need to learn to take care of an apartment or house on my own, but I've also never not lived with my family before, so just ideas on how to adapt to a new house and new state would be nice.

    1. Doomkid


      Living on your own isn't as scary as it seems at first.


      There's a few things to unpack here. Firstly, being able to drive your friends around might be a nice segue into living with them, but keep in mind that the only real/sustainable solution is to find your own income. The unfortunate reality of job hunting is that the hunt in itself should be treated as a full-time job. If you've got spare time and enough energy to browse around online, spend that time job hunting. Even part-time work will give you some money and when you have some money, friends are much more likely to happily house you for an indefinite amount of time.


      Now of course, you mentioned some things you're unsure about for the time being, a big one of which was your family's potential reaction to your proposal to move out. If you are of an adult age they should be totally behind your goal here but unfortunately that's not always the case. Hoping for a good reaction but preparing for the worst reaction seems very wise given how you've framed things.


      One thing you may need to do is find out whose name the car is registered in. It is possible that you have full ownership of the vehicle and it is simply insured on your father's plan. Since it was presented to you as a gift, it is technically your property, but if it's registered in your father's name, you'll have to get that moved over to your own name. If he's cool with you taking it it's not really a big deal, but if he tries the indian-giver routine, it may make things quite a bit harder. If he has no intention of making a stink over it, then your car situation aught to be just fine until you're settled in and ready to consider insuring it in your own name. Given you haven't ruled out the possibility of them trying to report the car as stolen if you drive off in it, I'd say it's worth your time to find out who the real owner is according to the documentation.


      Your other possessions are a different story. As you said, these are not things that have to be registered. They were presented to you as gifts, therefore you are unquestionably the owner of these items. Don't hesitate to take all of your belongings and clothing with you. If it's a 'shared' belonging that is owned by the family as opposed to just you, that's a different story.


      You'll most certainly want to be on your own phone plan if you are not living near the person whose name the plan is in. There are a litany of reasons but I'll just boil it down to the simplest form and say that many potential headaches will be avoided. Of course, this required money, but unless your father really, truly wants to fuck you over, the phone shouldn't be much of an issue for a few months time while you seek employment. If the plan is in his name, he does reserve the right to cancel it at any time, so bare that in mind. If the phone itself is not attached to the plan's contract in any way, then the device itself can be safely considered your own property.


      Your savings account seems to only be tangentially linked to your mother's, so if you're fine with her getting your money if in some bizarre twist of fate you do end up dying, you should be fine otherwise. Such a link, as I understand it, would not allow her to withdraw or otherwise do anything related to your bank account without your knowledge. I would recommend that any cards or online banking you have setup be configured so that you and only you know the various associated passwords and pins. If that is the case, you've nothing to worry about.


      (As a brief side note, I hope these specific concerns are just you being prepared for the absolute worst reaction on your family's part - When I moved out I didn't even have to consider who was the legal owner of my car or any bank account ties to my family, as they're super sweet people and allowed me to detach everything slowly and painlessly. We basically moved things over when it was convenient. It was over a year before everything of mine was "just mine" in terms of the car and bank account, and even now my dad still has my car insured on his plan. I really do hope that none of this will be an issue, it certainly shouldn't be, in theory.)


      All the stuff above sounds pretty adulty and heavy and scary, but it's really all simple stuff. The worst thing about it all is the time consumed, so assuming your family is even the slightest bit supportive, it should be very painless, even if a bit nerve-racking, which is understandable of course.


      Now for the not-so-scary aspect: Sharehousing. Living with friends is quite different than living with family, generally speaking. Unless you come from an extremely strict household, be ready to do all chores and other boring housekeeping-type stuff more promptly than ever before. Dishes washed right after they're used, sharing of communal duties such as vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, etc etc. I always thought of myself as a reasonably clean person, but it was only after not having my mother around that I realized how much effort goes into keeping your home clean. Again, this is nothing to be afraid of by any means, it's just time consuming and boring at the absolute worst of times. If your friends see you keeping things tidy (and do their bit, as I assume they already are) then you should be fine for the interim between first arriving at their place and finding your own source of income.


      One thing that I cannot stress enough: Do not make their lives more difficult by virtue of your presence. Following the above advice is a sure way to make your friends totally content with having you around. As it's their home, make sure to respect how they like to keep the place and try not to get in the way. If you tick those boxes, you'll be A-OK in the sharehousing department.


      It seems like a lot to take in, but I urge you to approach this with an open mind and not be encumbered by fear. As soon as you have a little momentum going (see: as soon as you're living on your own/with one of your friends) the rest will fall into place naturally and it will be much easier than you anticipated keeping things in order. I'll re-emphasize here just how important the financial aspect of all this is: Once you have your own source of income, you've got the groundwork for building your own independent life in-place. The rest is just important things to remember until you get to that stage/after you've landed work.


      I hope the best for you and I hope some of this advice proves helpful for you in your journey. Please believe me when I say it is truly not as hard as it looks at a glance. Your biggest enemy is your own fears (take it from someone who's been there!) so once you know what you need to know, approach the situation with confidence - It will certainly help to make your journey easier on yourself. Everyone is playing this shit by ear, don't fool yourself into thinking that everyone else has it all sorted and you're somehow "behind". Dropping that misconception was one of the best things I ever did for myself!