Man of Doom

Welp, a personal Doom-related vent that's been brewing for a while, and then I'll get off my soapbox:

This was originally intended for a thread that's just been made by me, but I didn't want to end up causing anything incendiary, no matter how unintentional it might be.

In light of the Mick Gordon developments and how they’ve since transpired:

Is it worth it to enjoy current id titles let alone future ones?

I may post a topic about this (namely because there’s already been talks of boycotting not only future works from id but also all Bethesda/ZeniMax work).

For the sake of my own sanity and well-being, I’ve been considering an indefinite hiatus from regular use of social media because… well, let’s face it, the world is probably not going to get any better at all and we may actually face total oblivion in our lifetimes sooner rather than later, most likely by the end of the decade.

It’s not going to be a vacation, especially since it’s already started to spill over into how I’ve started to act lately.

I’d much rather spend my time working on my own little creation than to lose my mind over things I have no control over.

I mean, it feels like the year 536 AD (considered the worst year to be alive) might actually be getting competition soon.

Things are bad, to put it lightly. And let’s face it, I’m running out of reasons to keep going.

Please take care of each other and hug somebody you love.

Well, I’ve been hard at work on [SUPER SECRET PROJECT] and I’ve been thinking about this roadblock I’m hoping to overcome; namely copyright issues (especially if this project gets sold for money).

The issue is whether or not id Software (or Bethesda/ZeniMax or especially Microsoft in particular) will allow something like this.

I’m pretty sure the former is likely to allow it, it’s the latter two I’m worried about because it can seriously go either way.

I know I posted about it in another thread, but I feel it’s all worth repeating here:

What’s seriously up with the backlash that results from old franchises trying new concepts?

With Wolfenstein, it was the choice to do alternate history and go beyond just the WWII setting (hell, the supernatural elements are still there even if they are more subdued). With Doom, it was the choice to start introducing more fantasy elements and not just strictly be in the realm of sci-fi (including what could be considered Doom’s version of heaven).
 

It’s like whenever an established franchise tries something new, the execution has to be flawless or else people will go out of their way to prove that not only was the franchise was wrong to go down that particular path, but also that the franchise in question should be taken behind the shed Old Yeller-style.

First it happened with the Wolfenstein series where it was initially lauded with The New Order (and ESPECIALLY The Old Blood) only for people to call for Wolfenstein to be killed off permanently after The New Colossus/Youngblood. (It didn’t help that the Youtube Rage-Grift Machine targeted the more recent Wolfenstein titles because “esjaydubbaewes”, but that’s a whole another can of worms.)

Then it happened with the Doom series where 2016 was hailed as this massive return to form and Eternal was lauded in most circles, but then people called for Doom to be killed off for real after The Ancient Gods (especially Part 2).

I know I just went off on a tangent there, but I feel it’s kind of strange that the instant an older franchise doesn’t do something that completely lines up with one’s expectations (like That One Plot Twist in TAG2), that it’s no longer enough to ask for like a do-over (like a reboot), but rather to argue that said franchise should’ve never been continued in the first place (and additionally that more dormant franchises like Quake should stay dormant for good).

I mean, I really fail to understand why franchises like Doom or Wolfenstein should somehow be long-dead or something along those lines.

I dunno, I guess I’m just beyond fucking tired of the 2619184617th take about how “TAG2 RUINED THE DOOM FRANCHISE FOREVAH AND 2016 WAS THE ONLY GOOD NUDOOM TITLE AND NOW THEY NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT BEHIND THE SHED AND HUGO MARTIN IS ACTUALLY THREE RANDY PITCHFORDS IN A TRENCH COAT”.

So regarding Impie and all his more recent behavior:

I should’ve known.

I should’ve known because all the signs were there.

Because it wasn’t just him making a mod about running over protestors with a tank, making a mod about embracing COVID denialism, or deciding to personally harass people I care about because of abhorrent content that was discovered in Blade of Agony.

I should’ve known when he went on these weird rants about Rey from Star Wars being a “Mary Sue” as far back as The Force Awakens.
I should’ve known when he complained about having to put in content warnings because “the reader would miss out on gorgeous descriptions of landscapes and adult themes” or something along those lines (while also making sure to include slurs of all kinds in “more mature” works).
I should’ve known when he explicitly outlined that the Winter Agent Juno series was about fighting against a left-wing regime dominated by women and even possibly going so far as to make so many bosses look like caricatures of “SJW-types” with the unconventional hair colors and unconventional body types.

And I should’ve known better than to let his talent blind me (to the point where I even considered him as a writer worth looking up to and possibly even a friend at one point). Because I’ll give him this:

He is a legitimately talented writer who wrote quite possibly my favorite take on the original Doom with his Plutonia Experiment novellas.

He knows how to write legitimately compelling storylines, legitimately interesting characters, and legitimately interesting plot elements (complete with some excellent descriptions).

But that doesn’t mean he should automatically get a free pass to use his talent as a shield from criticism, especially when it’s over abhorrent behaviors or worldviews.

Hell, just because someone is talented doesn’t automatically mean they’re good people. Talented people can be just as capable of horror as much as they can be capable of beauty, and I’ve seen this firsthand. I mean, the Milkshake Duck is still a thing.

And as someone part of the Doom community, I say it’s on us to make sure that the awful people with talent are excised just like the random trolls.

Because it’s long since time that we stopped giving free passes to chuds and abusers just because they made a thing we like.

Oh, and just to debunk some of Impie’s arguments (spoilered for content warning as I’m about to talk about things like sexual assault/mental health and violence against the LGBTQIA+ community):

I’m sorry, I am not in a good headspace right now.

It’s one thing to just ignore trolls in the Doom community but another thing entirely to see people you respected and even saw as friends just not only feel the need to be right and assert just how right they are, but also talk over you and play the “facts don’t care about your feelings” card even when you try to explain yourself and try to be emotionally open with them.

EDIT: Ok, I’m doing better. But still, it just stings that you bare your soul to people and it doesn’t seem to matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’m sorry, I can’t fucking do this with the calls to retcon the entirety of TAG and even the entirety of Eternal in general. I can’t do this anymore.

Ngl, all this discourse over Ancient Gods Part 2 and people actually swearing off the Doom franchise over “Hell being too humanized” just has me really emotionally drained and irritated.

So today, I kind of had a breakdown over the whole Mick Gordon/Doom Eternal OST situation, but something tells me that I kind of saw it coming.

So I'm not going to mince words here; when I initially heard the news that Mick might not be coming back to score anything Doom-related, I was bummed like everyone else. But as more and more developments came out about what happened and more of my worst fears were confirmed without fail, it started to drag me to an extremely dark place for reasons I'm about to get to.

So I admit that I held on to hope that sometime soon that id and Mick would come to an understanding or that something would be worked out regarding the OST, but it doesn't seem like the case as all parties have pretty much moved on and the burnt bridges seem to have collapsed for good. And of course there was the announcement of Andrew Hulshult and David Levy collaboration on The Ancient Gods: Part 1 as well as Mick working on Atomic Heart which seems to confirm this.

And it was the former that just gave me quite the reality check on things, and it all came crashing in for me, like a train just slammed into me.

But none of these things are the reason why I just broke down like that. I mean, I was *this* close to just bursting in tears in public.

The reason why the Mick/id split has become so emotionally draining on a personal level is because it's the type of situation that's distressingly familiar... and it's something that just hit too close to home with a friendship I had in the past.

So almost a couple of years ago, I became friends with someone, and around the same time, a project I had been working on had started to take some kind of concrete form instead of just being a vague collection of ideas.

I became fast friends with them, and they were one of the few people I developed an intellectual bond with as well as an emotional bond. They know things about me that not even my family knows, and they did their best to support me (and of course, I did the same for them in return).

But then things got ugly.

I did ghoulish things to them. They did ghoulish things to me. The friendship just went down in flames over a year ago.

And even after the friendship, I still did a ton of shitty things that I still feel deeply ashamed of.

And I'm not sharing any more details because not only do I feel like there are parts of the story that aren't mine to tell, there are parts that aren't particularly relevant.

And as for the project, it's been stuck in hiatus despite my attempts to bring it out of there. I've long since realized that they had contributed so much to the project that I can't meaningfully call it mine anymore without also acknowledging that it became theirs as well.

And I'm gonna see if I can reach out to this friend one last time in the hopes that things can be salvaged or even repaired.

And yes, I did mention all of this to Mick in my email to him.

So how is my story relevant to what happened with the Doom Eternal OST? Well:

-both parties apparently wanting nothing to do with each other (they told me to never contact them again and me telling them that I'm not sure if I wanted anything to do with them anymore vs. Mick's "doubt I'll work with them again" comments and Marty's open letter on r/Doom)

-unfortunate circumstances leading to disastrous results (me going through a horrific chain of events that led to suicidal ideations vs. the Collector's Edition fiasco that forced a hard deadline on the OST)

-tons of poor communication (me and them both failing to make any concerns known before it was too late vs. lack of communication on the OST and what was expected)

-shit-talking after things had ended horrifically (my friend and I shit-talking each other to friends and strangers vs. Mick's comments on id and especially Chad, though I'm not sure if this was intentional)

And my breakdown is especially disappointing to me because I honestly thought that I moved on from what happened with my friend, but apparently it doesn't seem to be the case.

And now you know the story of why I ended up losing it today.

Pretty much the final version of a statement I've been thinking to make to a "friend" very soon:

Note: kind of long

An Open Letter to [A Friend Who I’ll Keep Anonymous (For Now)]

Dear [Friend],

This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write, if not the hardest. 

It’s scary knowing that others will see this. It’s heartbreaking because I’ve spent so many months disassociating and compartmentalizing what exactly happened. 

I’ve rewritten this dozens of times, and sometimes it’s hard for me to even put my thoughts in verbal form. 

Writing this nearly brought me to tears and I’ve been unable to cry for a while now. I’ve honestly lost sleep for months. 

There are things I could’ve elaborated more on, but I honestly don’t have the strength. I hope this will suffice.

I’m write this to honestly and openly explain what I have been through and what exactly happened.

I don’t really care about the legal repercussions or anything else that may ensue anymore. It’s too hard to not say something at this point because I can’t keep this up anymore. I hope my sharing this will prevent anything like this from ever happening again.

"To err is human, but to persist is diabolical."

This is something that I’ve seen quite a bit of, and it is the root of a lot of toxic behavior that I have seen, both firsthand and observing it thirdhand as it happens to others. Hell, even I’m completely guilty of this as well, as you’ve seen firsthand.

Atychiphobia is the fear of being wrong, or being told that one is wrong. In some cases, it's even a fear that one's beliefs are not even facts, but rather opinions, even in some cases a perfectly valid one, but the irrational fear makes the holder desperate for it to be fact. But I digress.

I was more than ready to move on, but recent revelations have forced me to speak up.

Due to events outside of my control I’ve been put into a position that has left me with little to no options.

I never wanted this to get to a place where I had to publicly address this.

I know posting anything about you or this publicly will get me labeled “angry”, “crazy”, or a “liar”. I still need to speak up regardless.

I'm at a point where I'm under so much emotional pressure that I do need to speak up for my own peace of mind.

I’m doing this for me. It's necessary for my healing. I'm looking at a future where it seems like my famous “friend” will just continue parading her innocence no matter how absurd it is, and publicly gloat about how she loves everyone and hates me.

It took months to confirm my suspicions over time before I was to post this, so here we are. That said, this all came primarily from casual observation and proof of the last conversations we had.

Some time ago, someone whom I hadn’t seen in a long time sent me a screencap of a comment you made; they had confirmed you were indeed shit-talking me (and I didn’t ask where exactly they got the screencap from because it didn’t occur to me at the time).

To say that I’m deeply hurt and upset by your comments and actions is a complete understatement.

Unless I did something like send you inappropriate messages like sexual comments or entitled “Nice Guy” rants, they were completely uncalled for.

I should mention that I’ve always held myself to certain standards (both as a result of past experiences and societal norms) and that informs how I should always interact with people.

Next, I learned through firsthand experience and reflecting upon this situation (with professional help and guidance) that I have good reason to suspect you gaslighted me for at least a few months, if not longer. This was because I had evidently disagreed with you on a very private topic.

You even went so far as to blame me for making you “feel like a bad person” just because I didn’t agree with everything you told me without question; you even got defensive and insisted on denial/deflection when I suggested otherwise.

Here’s the thing: I know that friends are supposed to be “ride or die who stick up for each other”, but they’re also supposed to be able to agree to disagree. Because someone unable to do that is not a friend but a sycophant.

If that isn’t the reason, I honestly don’t know what is.

Going back to my initial remarks:

It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be, you know, a fucking human being.

But pride and hubris, as the quote says, that's diabolical. That's what makes one evil. That's what makes one toxic.

To some extent, everyone is afraid of being wrong. That's perfectly normal. It's what one does about it that defines a person. Again I digress.

While also looking back, I’ve come to notice out of hindsight that you were always fixated on people who have displeased you in some way and how you gloated about how karma will screw them over at some point if it hasn’t already.

I have to ask: it really isn’t enough for living well to be the best revenge?

I spent nearly a year in near-complete isolation, ostracized from your friend group because you made it clear to me I was not welcome around them just because I apparently stepped out of line for even a second.

I’m more than sure that you’ve shared with them a version of events that omits the misunderstanding portion and portrays me as an aggressive and unreasonable person. As though I’m somehow some kind of sex pest, an obsessive stalker, or an “entitled fan”.

It’s because this whole situation was predicated on poor communication and misunderstanding.

It’s also because I’m not some creepy sadist looking for attention but someone who’s been hurt by your words and actions, and all of this has led me to believe that you’ve compartmentalized your feelings/memories to suppress your guilt.

I’m no blameless saint and I know that I did many things wrong.

If anything, the lack of communication was entirely my fault.

I should have been clearer about a lot of things and there were things that I never should have said, period.

I never should have panicked (seriously that one string of emails was the end result of a nervous breakdown). Whatever thoughts I had at that time were completely irrational and stemmed from then-unresolved trauma. 

I am still holding myself accountable for my actions.

I still am extremely sorry for everything I did to you.

It’s one thing to share personal topics, but another thing entirely to dump emotional baggage. 2018 being an absolute shitshow was no excuse for me to do exactly that.

I know that you’ve hurt me, but you still have good reason to be angry with me.

I know there’s still so much I have to answer for, and I’m still on the path to self-improvement. I may not be there 100%, but I’m well on my way.

However, I’ve come to discover that you’ve tried your damnedest to make me feel responsible for everything that went wrong in the friendship, insisting that the only person in the wrong was me, insisting that *only you* tried to make things work.

You told me that you were just being “brutally honest”, but in reality, you were being an asshole.

As a result of all this, you used my being on the autism spectrum as a weapon against me, to justify your actions so you could easily brand me a “creep” while keeping your conscience clear.

When you told me that people with autism were “not normal” and “constantly needed help”, you were not being helpful as you claimed. You were being insulting. 

Not just to me, but everyone I care about who’s on the spectrum, including my ex.

You think it’s somehow reasonable and even necessary to show absolute mercilessness in the event there’s some kind of perceived slight against you.

When this happens, it’s not enough for you to stop talking to that person or even to block them. 

You also have to make sure that this person is completely isolated from whatever support network they can find, which usually includes just shit-talking them or just making sure that the person in question is completely kicked out of whatever support network they’re able to find. You still feel an obligation to do this *even* if the person in question just wanted to find some emotional support while they’re in the process of moving on.

When you did something that hurt someone’s feelings, you would explain why you were right instead of apologizing. 

You would double down and go out of your way to shame the other person and make them feel like shit. This makes people feel dirty and abused as a result.

Even if someone is technically beaten in an argument, they feel so demeaned and diminished by the process that they’re unable to let it go.

You would not survive the rules you impose on others.

You were caught shit-talking someone you claimed was a good friend. And then you made sure they would never be able to have a lasting means to acquire emotional support even if they’re just trying to move on. Yes, they may have done you wrong but they’re trying what they can to learn from the experience so that they can better themselves. 

After all, you said this yourself:

“If you ever talk shit about me or anyone I care about, you are dead to me.”

This absolutely fails to address that not only people can absolutely change for the better, people also could have been manipulated or gaslighted.

I know you’ve had to deal with shitty ex-friends and abusive exes for literally years now, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to lash out at others. 

Finally, you never let anything go.

Even after some semblance of calm, you consistently and repeatedly introduce your enemies (both real and perceived) into your own posts and statements in a variety of both subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

You poke, prod, provoke, and antagonize even when it’s not necessary.

Even when your perceived enemies have long since moved on, and even when your real enemies are too busy digging their own holes for themselves.

It’s possible you do this as a coping mechanism to deal with the way you’ve been abused and mistreated by people but it is still beyond the realm of trauma and it just becomes straight-up excessive.

Even if someone steps away, refuses to mention you, and confines their future statements to be as emotionally distant and technical as possible:

You will still bring them up ad-nauseam, months to years after the initial incident.

You will not extend the same behavior to others that you demand for yourself. *Your* sniping is reasonable and justified and dedicated to reminding everyone just how *horrific* these liars and harassers are, you see. Because *their* sniping is harassment.

In all of this, there has been a serious lack of empathy on your part.

This all has to change.

Betrayal trauma is a very real thing that can actually be diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist. I know because I was actually diagnosed with the real thing (among other things).

It’s fucking horrible that things have gotten to this point and I really want things to be better between us, especially because I truly did consider you to be the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend, without any exaggeration. 

I trusted you deeply.

Every day I wake up numb with disbelief that any of this happened in the first place. It still seems unreal and unfathomable. 

I feel numb all the time now, after being treated like my emotions and wellbeing were worthless for so long.

The friend that I completely confided in, the one person who promised to be there when she could, threw me to the dogs to save her own reputation.

I'm not even talking about you cutting off whatever support networks you can find after calling me a creep, I mean this whole "but everything is ok" situation. Unbelievable.

You moaned and complained about how people will dogpile you over a single detail even if you said “I’m sorry”. You agonized about how “people from Miami” don’t get what it’s like to be a friend that sticks up for others no matter what. 

You want more than anything to have “the right to be forgotten” here in the States. 

But again, you will not extend the same courtesy to others that you demand for yourself. 

Like it wasn't enough to dehumanize me by treating my pain and desperation like some kind of act designed to make you "feel guilty". 

We were already building a work of collaborative fiction and a friendship that I had complete faith in. I trusted your promises. It all got ruined through constant lies, betrayal, and broken promises. All while telling me that none of it was happening and our friendship was failing because I'm just bad.

I can't even tell you how many times I asked you to tell me the truth. 

I could see that something was wrong but I desperately wanted to believe in your honesty. 

But no, you just told me over and over, "there's nothing going on right now; you're just paranoid and it's hurting me".

And yeah, I’m well aware that I’m not exactly a victim. I didn’t realize the kind of damage I was doing until it was far too late, and I’m now answering for it. All I’ve been doing, and all I can really do, is grow from my own actions to better myself. 

Again, I am still holding myself accountable.

It was amazing for my mental health and I've been making huge strides. I've felt proud of my ability to overcome difficult shit so that I can rebuild. I want that.

In spite of all this, a part of me still hopes that we take the time to really talk things out and finally clear up all misunderstandings because I just want the animosity and resentment to stop.

More importantly though, I hope I’m completely wrong about you gaslighting me, isolating me from friends, and weaponizing my own autism against me.

This is because as of now, it looks like you’re no better than that one shitty abusive dude we used to talk about, the one who who is actually now suing a good friend of mine for defamation because she was finally able to publicly speak up about the shit she’s had to endure by his hands.

I’ll let a few choice quotes from him speak for themselves when it comes to people he dislikes:

“So they are either Bond-villain-evil or they are having some problems with depression, anxiety, trauma etc which make it difficult for them to interact with facts and evidence and good faith assumptions they [sic] way a responsible person would. 

If there’s a 3rd explanation, I’d love to hear it. Until then “Insane” seems both kinder and more plausible than “evil”.”

“Since you admitted to trolling — openly — nothing you say matters ever. Not just *while trolling*, but forever. And not just on the internet, but in real life. Further: once you have decided that you will spend any part of your life trolling on the internet, you forfeit all rights as a human. If you should get hit by a car — no-one should help you. If you vote on anything — your vote should be thrown away.

If you wanted to participate in a conversation, you’ve lost that right. You are a non-human now. You are over and canceled. No concern of yours can ever matter to any member of the human race ever again.”

“Do you have proof?

Would you sign a document under penalty of perjury that I am attempting to gaslight someone?

If not: just apologize.”

“FWIW I think the kindest explanation for anyone who participates in the recent online harassment campaign against me and my players is likely that they are mentally ill. This is based on [one thing]:

1. Many of the harassers have explicitly and publicly said they themselves are mentally ill.”

(Ok, who am I kidding? I’m honestly no better than him either so who am I to judge?)

To make myself crystal clear:

I am not here to antagonize you. I am not here to “go after you” or “knock you down a peg”. I’m not here to “get revenge” or anything like that. I don’t hate you. You are not a bad person.

I am not here to get an apology from you because I know I’ve failed you as a friend and as a human being.

In fact, I forgive you.

Plus, you’re still not obligated to forgive me or even to accept my apology (and I still stand by it; the actual apology, not the half-assed non-apology that tried to rationalize my shitty past behavior).

I know I won’t be forgiven easily, if at all. That’s not stopping me from making the journey.

I’m here to show you the truth of everything that’s transpired since the falling out (or at least as much of it I can recall). To show you the same “brutal honesty” that you showed me not too long ago so that I can at least make one final attempt to make peace with the past.

Finally, I share all of this with you because I am officially Done With This Shit(tm).

(And if you’re wondering why there seems to be conflicting things here, it’s because my feelings toward this situation have been nothing but confusing and I’ve done what I can to best communicate them.)

I never claimed my mental health/autism excused my behavior. It was a catalyst. 

It took the brakes off of my emotions but it was always me behind the wheel, so to speak. I claimed that I was trying to do the right thing back then (and I believed it), but it didn’t come from a rational place.

I don't expect forgiveness, nor do I forgive myself. I can only try to be better.

I hope you can follow my example.

Please be better than I ever was. Be better than what happened here.

So there’s kind of an announcement I have to make in order to make peace with myself and to make sure that I can be fully transparent with myself and everyone around me. 

I am also doing this to completely hold myself accountable. 

Finally, I send this out hoping that someone will be able to learn from my mistakes and my example because I know we could all use a little help as humans in improving ourselves.  

I know that I like to keep it real a lot, but as a semi-public figure on the rise, I do what I can to generally stay away from heavy topics or anything super-personal in order to keep the general focus on where it should be (my body of work, not my dirty laundry). However, I’ve been in contact with several of my friends who know of what happened, and I feel that talking publicly about this is not only necessary, but would probably serve as encouragement for someone who may be struggling in life as of this moment.

Some of my older following with a particularly sharp eye may notice that I’ve somewhat changed up my work so that I can focus entirely on cosplay as opposed to a mixture of cosplay and art. Cosplay has earned me more engagement so far, but there is another good reason behind this. Namely, those sharp-eyed fans may notice that much of my more recent artworks are gone now. 

I will not be including names because I’m only here to explain what happened, and nothing else. 

And just to clarify, I’m not here to make a martyr of myself because I am NOT looking for any kind of pity or sympathy. 

I only wish to share a personal life event in hopes that others will be educated by it.  

Several months ago, I had a falling out with a friend I became surprisingly close with months prior to that. 

They had told me that I made them extremely uncomfortable, and that I should not reach out to them under any circumstances. They then cut me off from all their social media shortly afterwards. 

It didn’t help that right after that, I tried to contact them to apologize. Looking back, I realized that it was not a particularly genuine apology as it tried to win them back over from a place of desperation and it tried to rationalize my actions, which I’ll explain later. 

I spent the next few months in what could charitably be called a pity party. That was the time I removed those artworks because they were largely inspired by this person’s body of work. 

Aside from other commitments I was busy with at the time, I admit that I spent my days either figuring out to win them back or just afraid that they might try to seek out some kind of retribution for what I did. I also spent those same days venting to friends on how this one friend has been in the wrong. 

I know all of these things are contradictory and make no sense. I tell you this to show you the kind of disarray my mind was in for a good while. 

All of this went on until I had an epiphany a short while ago. 

In this epiphany, I came to realize that I was completely wrong about this person. What happened with them turned out to be entirely my fault.

The TL;DR version is that over the course of a few months: 

-I exposed them to unnecessary drama about people who didn’t matter

-I constantly used them as an emotional crutch even when I should’ve gone to counseling

-I didn’t give them space when they needed it

-I constantly demanded their attention even when they were away working on other things

-I jumped to horrific conclusions about their relationship

-I used their past traumas as justifications for my shitty actions (inadvertently or not, it was still incredibly shitty on my part) 

-I sided with people who had decided to shit-talk this person because those same people told me that they “meant well”

I never realized I fucked up this hard until it was too late. They were never the “toxic friend”; I was. The worst part was that I was too blinded by self-pity to realize it until recently, as I previously mentioned. It’s taken me until now to fully voice this. 

So I’ll start with what I know. 

I do know that they were one of the very few people I’ve actually managed to connect with on both an emotional and an intellectual level. 

I know they did what they could to be a good friend, despite the work they usually have to do as part of adulting. 

I know that just being their friend was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and it was far more than I could ever ask for. 

I also know that I hurt them deeply. 

I know I’m the reason they’ve more or less shut themselves away from the world. 

I know I’m the reason they’re now too scared to trust or confide in anyone ever again. 

I know I did all this to them, and there’s no dancing around it. 

I let them down as a friend and as a human being. I failed them. 

At this point, I know that the only thing I didn’t do was send them any kind of inappropriate or outright abusive content. Keep in mind that this is only additional clarification, nothing more. 

This is not me trying to shield myself from consequences. 

This is me accepting the consequences and learning from them so that I have an idea on how to better myself. 

I honestly don’t think I could ever live with myself if I ever became an abuser. I want more than anything to break the cycle of toxic behavior. 

I went ahead and sent them a more genuine apology not too long after my epiphany. All I can do now is hope that it’s not too late for my apology. 

They are not obligated to accept my apology. They do not owe me forgiveness. 

That said, I know that I already miss this person dearly. 

They were not only a good friend, this person was quite possibly the closest thing I ever had to a best friend. 

I know that I’m going to dearly cherish the friendship I shared with them. No matter what, I still care about their feelings. 

I also know that I’m now holding myself accountable regardless of their decision. 

Shortly after the apology I received another epiphany, namely a realization as to why I’ve been temporarily unavailable to move forward right after I made the apology:

I am currently struggling with the guilt that resulted from my actions, though it may not last forever. 

Considering what exactly I did to this person and what they confided in me beforehand, I may be just as bad as one of their exes if not worse in their eyes. That, and seeking out professional help will be an invaluable part of working on bettering myself. 

In other words, this public announcement was born out of a combination of guilt and my own desire to heal and move forward. 

I am not bettering myself only for this person just so I can get back into their life or anything like that. 

I am working to better myself in order to express my respect and compassion for my family and friends. 

I also want to be able to live life on my own terms without being plagued by toxic behaviors and mindsets. 

I am already getting professional help, and my mental state is greatly improving. At least I have a sense of dignity and decency again. I am deprogramming the toxic behaviors I internalized in the past. I feel supported by the company I have. I have learned to at least appreciate myself. I may not be there 100%, but I’m well on my way. 

If you’ve stuck with me throughout this story, then I thank you deeply for taking the time to read this. 

I hope you’ve learned from my example, and I hope you’re able to take away the lessons I’ve learned from my own experiences. 

We all make mistakes from time to time, but isn’t that part of the grand human experience?

I will impart you with this advice, as it will be helpful in every aspect of life:

Take things in one day at a time. There will be some days that will be better or worse than others. Sometimes instead of having a good day, you may not have a choice other than to simply have a day. 

That’s ok. As long as you have a new day to look forward to, things will be ok in the end. 

I’ll leave you with a quote. 

“If you’re struggling and you feel lost and hopeless, I want you to know- no matter how far you’ve fallen, it’s never too late to get back up.  No matter how long you’ve spent being being the wrong type of person, it’s never too late to become someone else.  You may have done disgusting and regrettable things, and those can never be erased, but you can drown them out with acts of beauty.

No matter how long you’ve been making a mistake, it’s never too late to stop making it.  You are not the sum of your failures. You can be the person you want to be if you can find the willpower and determination. It is never, never, never too late.”

Update on my friend:

Out of the blue, the friend in the toxic relationship had decided to simply declare me an ex-friend and block all forms of social media and contact. (The catalyst was me buying a signed print from her store as she used to be a model, and today I got a refund for that, along with her more recent actions.)

So there may be a very good chance that a close friend of mine may be trapped in an abusive relationship. 

So I’m planning on upgrading Shin Doomguy further by adding severed Imp spikes to the armor (like on the shoulders, elbows, knees, and even the boots). 

Yea or nay?

So I discovered the hard way that the only way your Doomguy cosplay will ever get noticed or positive comments is if it’s an exact replica of the Praetor suit.
Welp, time to go cry in the shower lol

So how would this look as a "modern classic" variant of a DG cosplay? It already seems to be a more streamlined and modernized version of the classic Doomguy armor (and yes, that POLICE sign is sold separately)

In light of the recent tragedy in Las Vegas, I will not be bringing my pistol prop with me to Animate Florida, out of respect for those injured/killed in the shooting. 

Same for the super shotgun prop that I've been waiting on.

And now my depression is back. 

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. 

I'm seriously considering just taking a semester off at the very least. 

I have to get my mental health back up again, and for real this time, not just a temporary boost that already seems to be wearing off as of now. 

https://imgur.com/a/nwo8G

Found an Easter egg while playing that new game Ruiner. Am not disappointed. 

So I was originally planning on posting this in the Doom 3 General forum, but I'm afraid that might cause an excess of shitposting, so I'll just put this here to get it off my chest:

I can't help but feel that out of all of Doom3Guy's death screams/groans, only one of them sounds like he's actually dying. The rest sound like…

…something else entirely. 

So apparently, Heretic has a "wimpy" death, where if you're killed by an attack that does 10 points of damage or less, the player makes a death sound that sounds weak and pathetic. 

Does anyone know what it sounds like?

So I've had a bit of a realization regarding Marvel Comics characters and their FPS counterparts. 

I have good reason to believe that BJ Blazkowicz is the equivalent of Captain America, and the Doomslayer is the equivalent of the Punisher.