Single Status Update
*** WARNING - MAY CAUSE COMPLAINTS - MAY CAUSE PEOPLE TO WRITE "tday generation is pussified" ON THEIR SOCIAL NETWORKS - MAY CAUSE "No really not, you are the baby here fucking pussy" REACTIONS - MIGHT CAUSE CRINGE ***
Why do I write shit like this?Spoiler
In general, Facebook can't cut it these days. I need a place to vent my thoughts, and I would like people to see them. Cuz anything I say to Facebook HAS to be cuz I am a "lib cuck" or "cis nazi" or some third shit that doesn't even have any kind of connection with what I am talking about. Fuck politics. Seems like Doomworld is my only spot to do this. Reddit doesn't cut it either, either someone gets offended or "doesn't get offended you are getting offended baby cuck".
Hoooo (-______- )
Why do people shove politics into everything? That should be like a new rule: If it exists, it has something to do with politics.
So today, I was having a talk with this girl (and this is my third time talking with her about this), which apparently managed to turn into it from a simple "You look tired" line. How the fuck?
Anyways, from a simple chat, I think someone dropped "Hey you two should kiss".
TRACKING MISSILES LOADED.
"DEFENSE PLAN" ENGAGED.
My casual mood dropped from that second onwards, as I got jumpy inside myself. I think I remained cool on the outside, not sure.
Anyways, I think the reason why I got so defensive because I got scared. I dunno how, I just kinda considered the whole thing to be a massive prank, and that someone wants to see me humiliated, since I have no life and everything, talking with a girl is something of a new world wonder, or the Holy Spirit descended and made me speak. Either way people "on the outside" (out of my social circle and class probably) are stunned by the fact that someone THEY WERE SURE was some virgin who gets nosebleeds while talking to any female person WAS talking to a female person with a clean nose.
I just... never have problem talking with people, regardless of sex, just maybe age (are they old enough to be talked to as a elder?), so this concept kinda bothers me. I get it, some people don't like me, but do they really have to go that far and turn me into some hentai-addict with a penchant for playing old games? I mean like, what the fuck, dude? If I am doing something wrong, consider telling me, man!
Mostly because I don't really say I do something cool but turn out to be a text-book loser who looks like he popped out of a GTA already "satiric" 'verse, masturbating and being envious "of de reel men!". I am not in puberty anymore. No more of those funny hormones that made me a pathological liar for a long time. I am now a man of my own word, and a man of a written word. And most importantly...
I am asexual.
That is what bothers me.
It is like saying I am a greedy gold-plated billionare. I am not one, don't want to be, nor am I envious of other people's riches.
That is the thing with asexuality.
In general, when someone says they are asexual, they are saying that they don't feel any sexual attraction coming from ANY sex/gender. In that matter, I've got a bonus. I simply don't like sex either. As a hormone-possesed 12-year old, sure, I wanted to see what was all the fuss about, how does it feel, and to find out why other boys liked looking at nude women. I am not going to lie, I tried porn as well.
I didn't get the point of it.
About how did I misinterpreted this stuff, read here. (could be interesting if you have a teenage boy in your household)Spoiler
I was more drawn to faces and eyes, and proportions in general. There was this "scale" of things I consider when looking at photographies of people (in general, not nudes), like, what is the person doing with their hands, are they smiling, what are they staring at, kinda like I do literature these days. It took me a while to realise what I was doing wasn't proper. I was actually enjoying the art of it, for fucks sake. I realised that when I saw a guy I was watching "pictures" with, how he kept zooming at the private parts. I was like "Leave the entire picture on" and he would be like "What are you, fucking gay?".
I was doing manly stuff wrong.
All the damn time.
Apparently I was suppose to think about "how much pussai I can get" and "how to obtain such" and "how to feel it". I was actually thinking of how things moved. Porn was like dance to me.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME ON THINGS I WASN'T EVEN INTERESTED IT?
I LOOK LIKE A JACKASS!!!
So basically, I was supposed to let my dodongo do the thinking.
He was equally confused as well. Everything he smelled left him puzzled. Sometimes even disgusted.
What was wrong with me?
After numerous hours spent at research and behavior analysis (by looking up various fetishes, seeing where it clicks, even tested out if I do men or even stuff between... nothing clicked), I determined I was asexual!
Which kinda sucks because I already have no taste in cars nor do I watch sports, now I don't like girls!
Can I call myself a man anymore!? What manly stuff do I like even?!
Guns (I would really like to fire off a cylinder of a Colt Walker at least once)
Metal (from thrash, to even power metal at very rare times)
Quality liquor (preferably of the warmer and sweeter kind, like mead, or anything with honey in it)
Anyways, pretty much after that we started talking AGAIN about it.
I mean, I get it, I cannot expect anyone to know first hand about asexuality, but still, we talked about it. She boutta know I wasn't joking or if I was self-depreciating again or if I said that to look cool. I mean, I do not want to talk about it with her anymore because she constantly thinks I am calling her ugly whenever I say I don't find her sexually attractive (that is how we got to talk in the first place, a stupid prank gone educational and most importantly, nothing laughable happened :D ), nor anyone for that purpose.
But today she went deeper, like:
"So, when do you plan on starting a family?"
When I get a full-time well paid job after college. Next!
"How do you plan on doing it, since you don't like it?"
Much like how sewer workers keep going into the sewers. They might not like it, but you've gotta do what you have to do.
And numerous other questions.
I constantly kept thinking she was actually into me and not in for a prank, and expected her to do something about it. Well, if she did, I didn't see it. If she didn't, good. And just talking to her about it makes me sad about it as well. I constantly feel like I am turning her down, especially since she hasn't done anything bad to me
But there is dickish side in me which says that she is taking a pity on me by trying to talk with me, and keeps complimenting me thinking I find my sexual orientation bad or something and that I want to kill myself. Maybe she wants to convert me?!
I think everyone around me shares the same viewpoint. That either I am saying I am asexual to be cool or that makes me think less of myself?! Why didn't anyone consider that I am asexual and not pretending?
Well yeah, I do think less of myself, but only because of my laziness and procastrination. I pretty much love everything else about me.
I mean, when I draw Google-translated chinese words on my hands, that is "trying to be cool". Saying that I am asexual is not "trying to be cool". When I keep saying I would fail at life, this is where you give pity unto me. Not when I say I am asexual. Fuck, I am even proud to be asexual, at least I don't have to bother with impressing anyone for the time being and I can devote that extra time to playing Doom or something.
Fucking sheesh. I am not supposed to even care about it, but yet here I am, annoyed.
- Show previous comments 2 more
Nice! Great idea for a girlfriend. It seems like fun times what you described, without having to care for what others say and stuff. Unfortunately, a girl playing games other than Candy Crush or listening to metal is a very rare species in my country (or in my town, even though it has 200.000 to 300.000 citizens).
Also, the first paragraph describes me somewhat. Texting: Near 0% (I get on facebook every once in a month and my profile pic is from at least 3 years back), Going to crowded places: Only with friends, Clothing: Pretty casual I should say, although sometimes I wear my favourite leather jacket, pair of shoes and blue t-shirt with an industrial skull on it, or something. In that occasion, my confidence is raised above maximum and I feel like Iron-man, while I imagine a metal song playing on the background (whatever I listen to at that time).
And about trust, I totally agree. If the relationship isn't built with it in mind, it shouldn't be called a relationship, in my opinion, but a waste of time and a way to get sad for no reason at all.
Finally, SO THERE IS A BLONDIE, AHHH!!!
Just kidding! :D
TIME TO GET PHILOSOPHICAL
If indeed, I am not sexually attracted to any sex, do I desire for my life partner to be female?
Is it per tradition? Or is it because I am not really who I think I am?
Ahhh fucking right I remember now.
I wanted to start a family.
BUT IF I HATE SEX SO MUCH WHY NO ADOPT /(đĐ-Đđ)7 ?
Because... of my geneeeees!
I sound like a bag of dicks with this statement! But I want my offspring to share my own genes! Yey!
That, and well honestly... It is a pretty much conservative country (Mini Poland basically), and I cannot see myself with a guy or an "it". Living and screwing around with a female variation of myself sounds like tons of fun anyways.
I cannot believe myself I sound so fucking spoiled I should be happy if I get a part-time lizard volunteer on a three wheeled skateboard that is tilted to one side by 14 degrees as a life partner considering my qualities.
Whom'st'v'ed' the fuck cares anyway? Its the imagination time, now I can fantasize as much as I want!
Narrator: Right now, we have seen how does this Battle_Kirby creature think like. Considering it's daily activities and prolonged solitude, we can determine that the genes behind this sample of a specimen will be forever lost not to evolution, but it's own self destructive and obstructive behavior.
Me: *throws a rock at the cameraman while screaming internally*
Narrator: Rest assured, it would have been better if our cameraman decided to retreat at the moment. But whatever fate decides it does. A minute of silence to honor our previous cameraman. So brave, yet so naive.
I don't know about what genre you want your companion to be, but for the love of God, don't pick a lizard! Raise your expectations and demand a human partner in the least. How will that partner look like you may ask? Wait and you will see in the future (find out in the next episode).