Single Status Update
Its a wonder at times, that i'm able to exist in general here. I do not understand many things, and I know the same. I do not wish for the knowledge, for with the knowledge comes the understanding, the true test. Unlimted knowledge would indeed be glorious, until one gained unlimited understanding. As I grow ever closer to beginning my real life, past the restraints of my life as dominated by the sub-par american educational facility, things become more clear to me. Fears that once were are no more, fear that did not exist arise. It is an unusual feeling. It seems almost injust what I am feeling now, clearly colliding with that which I already feel. The injustice which I have faced in my last year of the so-called "educational atmosphere" is unforgivable. I wish them all a curse, I would bleed on them, and hope them to die.
A many events have occured in the last four years, the staging area of this new coming life. It seems like with each new year, in the fall, something is bound to always happen. Something to make me suffer, not by my own will or cause, merely fate laughing in my face as it slowly slides away from the direction I wish it to go towards. From my ordeals with Matt and Kyle to the next year when I was trying to heal after Kodee finally moved, to the next when Tim was introduced into my life and then shoved back out, to the ordeal with Coleman this last fall. Perhaps it is merely my nature that calls for this to be the way things go, perhaps it cannot be helped, perhaps it was meant to be. But then again, I don't say "meant to be" because over some period of time, if I do not like the way things were "meant to be" I change it. Slowly, but surely.
Has there not been a period within each year of my life where I was struck by fate into dealing with that which I did not wish for, which I did not want? I can remember dating clear back to my elementary school years of this, and before. But then again on the opposite side of a spectrum if you look at life as such, fate has always dealt its blow to those who take a blow at mine. Its as if life is a grand experiment in which the tides go back and forth and are played with until an equilibrium can be found. The hour glass is a good symbol for life, or atleast mine,, in my opinion. You set it down and the sands begin to flow, to fall to the bottom. As the sands run low, it represents how very little time is left before a final blow is struck, before I begin to rebuild again. The more sand in the bottom represents how much farther in the downward spiral I have fallen. Then when I have hit the bottom, its time to start over again, everything is twisted around as this hour glass is set upside down to let the sands fall again. Oh how I wish I could break it, watch the glass and sand scatter as my dreams and hopes always have, to see it shatter as my feelings do.
Hope is a rather odd concept to me. How can one have hope, or even think it, say it, feel it, when it betrays them time and time again? Is it a smaller example of "history repeating itself" except in the form of human nature? That humans come back time and again to revisit their mistakes? It is said one is to learn from their mistakes but perhaps they are revisited not out of stupidity, but out of trying to learn more about it, tryinig to see what other possibilities there are, to find the exact answer as to why it happens. Perfectly such an event would match human nature, a human's nature of curiosity, their sweet insanity for which they have such a passion for. Passion, itself, is another strange concept. Surely it seems simple enough but deep down we must all know that having passion for something is a path that leads to pain, suffering, and sacrifice. No one person wants to experience any of those three feelings, but yet they do. However without passion nothing would ever get done, because no one would ever want to get anything done. Their feelings, their love for whatever it may be, would not exist, the world would not move. Feelings are as much a weakness as they are a power. Yet again, an equilibrium to life. The hour glass, is a form of an equilibrium too, but it can never be equal, as there is only an equilibrium for as long as the amount of sand in the top and the bottom is the same, which is not permanent. Thusly, the shifting of top to bottom or bottom to top once one side of the hour glass is empty simulates life, the chaos that consumes it.
So much is done to try and quench the chaos and balance humans lives. But what are these tasks and attempts but mere illusions? Religion is based off of a fictous book. Those who worship it are comfortable, because this book, the bible, tells them what to do, they do not need to figure it out for themselves. They are told their destinies, their fates, and how to change them. But so many questions can be asked and not answered. "God" must have come from somewhere, something had to be before god, who, what, where? Religous people seem to think that anyone who does not follow "god" which is basically their interpretation of the fictous bible, will go to hell. If someone "saw" an angel, a "messanger from god" who told them to kill their mother and father, would they do it in god's word, or risk going to hell? They would be praying in the church, asking for forgiveness either way. Basically religion is easily a form of control, just as any form of government. But let's ask this, to any and all religous people: If we ever find life outside of earth, what will you do? Would the "bible" not have to be re-written? For you would deny this, but this would prove the bible to be nothing more than a tomb of lies. For it is said that we, the beings on earth, are your "god's" sole creations. You who are oh so blindly guided, what will you do? Cower at the fact that a being which you have based your life around and worshiped is suddenly nonexistent? I do not pity you, for you are all oh so very foolish for not determining your own destinies, for not following yourselves, and putting so much faith in something which you think exists only through a book, a book written through men's dreams.
Reality. What is reality? It is what we perceive everything that is real as. But I do not think that what we see, feel, hear, and touch is the real reality. The real reality is our cauntiousness. That is our true reality, not what humans perceive. Our dreams, our thoughts, our mind is our reality, they tell us what it is that we perceive as reality, show it to us, let us feel it. Our cauntious is what lets us even conceive reality, and thusly, is the true reality.
It's not my custom to give long, in-depth replies to posts, so I'll just cover a few points which chimed. Note that I'm not arguing in any way, just discussing the opinions you presented.
If we ever find life outside of earth, what will you do? Would the "bible" not have to be re-written? For you would deny this, but this would prove the bible to be nothing more than a tomb of lies.
An oft-presented position, it reminds me of a documentary (made from primarily a scientific, critical angle) on the Christian religion. They referred to the Christian god as "the God of the gaps". A good phrase I think, that this god inhabits the gaps in knowledge, and as there is more and more progress in discovering the workings of the universe, his crawlspace gets narrower and narrower. Goes without saying though that conviction can often deflect any amount of rational thinking, or contradictory evidence.
Passion, itself, is another strange concept. Surely it seems simple enough but deep down we must all know that having passion for something is a path that leads to pain, suffering, and sacrifice. No one person wants to experience any of those three feelings, but yet they do.
I suppose not all passions lead to a similar end, but if you are referring to that main passion, for companionship and love, I'd agree the end is usually of this nature. But it's a risk worth taking. There's a drive to avoid pain, but the parallel drive for immediate comfort and happiness is just as strong, often stronger. Many people seem to get into relationships that are evidently not going to end well, but I guess immediate aims and the happiness and intensity you can experience within the duration make it worthwhile. No-one expects life to be wonderful and free of the grit and challenge all the time, so we choose options with flaws, which are the realistic choices seeing as perfection is nowhere to be found.
Hope's a difficult thing... boredom is inescapable, not all ends well, and the end is visible right from the start. Which is why a short term, small-scale view is necessary I suppose, taking the pleasure you can and enduring the rest. I often think it'd be great to live in a fictitous fairytale world, with meaning and justice and simply more to it. The characters in these worlds nearly always find an equilibrium in the third act, and even if they don't they had a purpose, and made a change. There's a good quote on life by the author Martin Amis which I like... it goes uhh.. I'll find the book...:"thinly plotted, largely themeless, sentimental and ineluctably trite. The dialogue is poor, or at least violently uneven. The twists are either predictable or sensationalist. And it's always the same beginning; and the same ending..."
I'm going to hate what I've written here. I absolutely know it.
No reason to hate what you have written, atleast in my opinion. I think its very cool that you were willing to make an in-depth reply to a subject that some might call "touchy" or "deep" as a few people had put who've read this elsewhere (I visit many a forum, and have 2 journals online plus the blog here, so it gets alot of reading).