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About Melfice

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  1. This isn't really bitching about my life, but my realizing how fucked up I've become. And yes I meant for the title's "Epidemy" to be spelled that way, as in the disease of imperfection. That'll also be the name of my new website, if I ever get it done.

    I was looking at David's Xanga, using my mic and messing around talking to Tyler, and suddenly I started feeling emmotionally like shit. Last night I went to bed at 9pm, because I got tired enough that I said "fuck it" and shut everything off, which is odd considering that I always stay up until 11 or 12. I haven't even played Magic in 3 weeks or worked on my Quake 3 shit or done anything with my room its like almost none of my shit has moved anywhere for 3 weeks now. The sadthing is, is that I have everything figured out, what I'm wanting to do, how I'mwanting to do it, when, and everything else, but it's like I fucking can't get myself to do it. I blame myself. If I hadn't fucking lived like I do for so long it'd be easier to do shit. I don't even have a reason to be on the internet at all, I go to a few websites, don't take long to check, then I'm done I find myself going back over and over, nothing will have changed, yet I still do it.

    I have no concept of time, just today for the first time in a long time I actually felt reality. I can be fucking walking down the street, riding in a car, talking to someone, standing somewhere, and it'll all be nothing to me. I won't feel, I won't think, It's like it's all just there, passing me by. Use to, I felt something, I thought, I saw things in a different way. Its fucking disturbing. Anymore, I don't even think. I'm just, floating in time, while it passes by. I don't even know what I'm doing, half the time, I don't even remember the next day what I did the night before because its all so much the same that it blends. It's like you just said, its midnight, I didn't notice, or care.

    It's like I disregard everything, and that's not right. Somethings broken, and very wrong. I don't know, quite honestly I think I've just let myself become way too emmotionless, way too cold, with everything. After this last summer, I stopped caring about anything and everything. Its the only reason I even began being openly gay. If I were normal that wouldn't have even happened. I've been like this I now realize for a long time, it's not right.

    Somewhat Damaged
    Nine Inch Nails

    So impressed with all you do
    Tried so hard to be like you
    Flew too high and burnt the wing
    Lost my faith in everything.

    Lick around divine debris
    Taste the wealth of hate in me
    Shedding skin succumb defeat
    This machine is obsolete

    Made the choice to go away
    Drink the fountain of decay
    Tear a hole exquisite red
    Fuck the read and stab it dead

    Broken Bruised Forgotten Sore
    Too fucked up to care anymore
    Poisoned to my rotten core
    Too fucked up to care anymore
    Broken Bruised Forgotten Sore
    Too fucked up to care anymore
    Poisoned to my rotten core
    Too fucked up to care anymore

    Off back and off the side far away
    Is a place where I hide where I stay
    Tried to say tried to ask I needed to
    All alone by myself and where were you
    How could I ever think its funny how
    Everything it swore would never change
    Is different now
    Just like you would always say
    We'll make it through
    Then my head fell apart
    And where were you?
    How could I ever think its funny how
    Everything you said would never change
    Is different now
    Just like you would always say
    We'll make it through
    Then my head fell apart
    Where the fuck were you?

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Hobo


      ToXiCFLUFF said:

      Anyway, let's sit back and wait for Hobo to come in ranting.

      Wow, how predictable. That retard mode post I made was a mistake, I apologized for it. I admit, I wasn't in the best of moods then, and I was acting like a cocky little shit. Venting like this is perfectly fine, I do it myself, though I have other methods of where I post things like this. I usually draw when I get depressed and stuff. Sometimes they turn out really well.

    3. Chopkinsca


      I know how most of that goes.
      I don't even feel like working on my zdoom project which I had enjoyed doing it. Before I was adament about completing it, but now I don't even care. Not like anyone is looking forward to it and will be dissapointed anyway.

      I will keep going back to the websites I have in my quick links even though I know that nothing new is going to be there.

      Every day is the same to me, if someone asks me what I did the day before I have to think really hard. And I usually just answer "I forget" anyway. I feel like I am far detached from anything. I wish I could talk to people, I find it hard to even say anything to my parents, I'm fucked.

      I found that I couldn't even talk to a girl that I've talked to online for two years, even if it meant that good things would have come out of it.

    4. Epyo



      oh just teasing wink ;)