Single Status Update
It's been a while since I've done an LJ entry, I haven't really had much of a reason to, until this last week. Just because I want to get on with it, and not have to keep thinking about it, rather than doing like I usually do and waiting until about mid-entry to talk about some confrontation or such, I'm going to go ahead and do it now.
As the end of the year is closing in, I've found myself in a pretty comfortable position, know about 70% of what lays in front of me and what I'm planning to do, the other 30% of it all just being the unknown that everyone has to face. It's the little things that aggravate me that try to tear me down, and how sometimes I don't even know if its right but something personally offends me. Any of my friends know how Coleman has treated me this last year, and how I haven't retaliated except by saying how stupid I think he is for the way he acts, which is as truthful as you can get. Anyways, Tristan gets on last night and asks me if I was mad at him for not sitting with me during the assembly yesterday, and going to the computers with Coleman I said. So I was honest, I told him I wasn't mad, just a bit irritated. Anyways, then we started talking and he says "he pissed me off though. when you walked to me he goes "thats it i'm leaving." I told him it pissed me off as well, because he was purposly trying to lead Tristan away from me while we were trying to talk. So yeah, Tristan went with him. I was sort of offended by it, because Tristan always claims how Coleman pissed me off, and on top of that, as someone whose supposed to be my friend, he didn't even bother standing up for me. He said "I should have stayed." I said "you should have. thanks for standing up for me."
So then we talked for a while more, and I'll write here what I told him. It applies to him, and Lance also. Maybe its stupid, and maybe its not right, but the fact that they can both hang out with someone who treats someone else (me) whose supposed to be one of their best friends if not their best friend, like shit, and pretend that nothing happens, offends me deeply. Not only that, but the way its handled. Like last week I said something about something stupid Coleman did, and Lance quickly goes "oh I went bowling with Coleman last night", real quickly as if I wasn't meant to catch it or he was trying to hide it from me or something. And then that's all that was said about it. It really pisses me off. It's bad enough that as his best friend he can't stand up for me and be like "if you're gonna treat my best friend like you do, then I'm not gonna hang around with you" or some shit like that, like alot of other people's friends I know would do. I'm fucking sorry if standing up for me is so much to ask, but why don't we look at it from my point of view and try to think about how I feel about it? I mean the same can apply to Tristan. I don't want to fucking hear about Coleman every time I talk to him. I wish the retard would just move the fuck away so I can forget he was even ever here. He annoys the fuck out of Tristan but Tristan doesn't have the guts to tell him to fuck off. Why is it that I'm the only one who sees that this whole freaking picture is screwed up?
Well, that said, I haven't had much to do with Lance lately, or talked to him much. If he isn't too wrapped up in his own problems to notice that somethings off or wrong, then its a pity. On to the rest of my entry now...
My eyes open, I can hear her voice like every morning. "Im going to work talk to you later." Every morning ritual as if she expects me to be awake enough to hear. I close my eyes resting them again and fall back into sleep. The phone rings. Another every morning ritual. She had place the phone by me so I would hear it ring. I pick it up with a groggy greeting, for my throat is sore. "Just calling to make sure you're awake." I move my eyes slowly towards my wall clock as my vision slowly clears of the sleepiness. 7:30. As usual. She hangs up after talking about something which I have no interest in. I turn off the phone and lay there thinking about what to wear today. I fall back asleep again. Around 10:00 I feel my sister hit me with the phone as if she has the authority to do so. One of the many times I've wanted to punch her straight in the face to show her she lacks authority over anything minus her majorly overweight body. I pick up the phone to hear my mom's voice again, now asking me in a surprisingly nice voice "what are you doing?" Still tired, I slowly answer. She tells me she'll talk to me later. I hang up. Go back to sleep. Then deja vu. This time her voice is saying that I have a clinic appointment at 3:00. I once again say goodbye, hang up, and go back to sleep. The night before had me dreaming of me and Andrew Quest upstairs at my grandparents house, doing sexual activities. Strange for me, as I never dream of such things. Stranger is dreaming of someone who I only know from hearing others call their name and only seeing them go up and down the hall day to day during another daily ritual. I wake up sometime later and slowly lift the screen of my laptop and get on the internet. I check the usual places to find that not much has happened. So I take my shower and prepare mail to send out, cards as usual. It comes time for my appointment so we head out.
We arrive and walk inside to see a few people standing and waiting to be appointed to one direction or the other. As I stand there waiting, I notice another one come in. I didn't want to appear to be staring at him, her, whichever they were, so I took a quick glance. It was a crippled and mentally retarded person, hard to tell if it was a boy or a girl. As who I assume to be their father rolled them up to the counter in the line to the left of us I couldn't help but glance every once in a while. Then he/she coughed, it sounded like a cough of a small child. It was such a sad sight, the humanity of it, the realization of it all. I stood there, and inside felt like crying as this tragedy sat beside me, so helpless and unaware. I didn't cry at all, but had I chose to, I would have. Finally they went away to wherever it was they were going, and then it was our turn to go. After the appointment we left and went to Walmart, battling with my fat ass sister over the car stereo and her no-talent rap artists which for some reason unbeknownst to me, she adores. We arrived at Walmart to pick up the prescription and it was in there that I was reminded. As I stood there looking at the cds I glanced to my left and saw that cursed blob walk by. Andrew Daniels. With him were Randy, and the skater guy which for the last few weeks I had began to notice. I thought he was cute, until I saw him with Andrew. I felt sickened, and somewhat instinctly went to the other end of the store.
The reason why was quite simple. I was running. I was running away from someone who stood as a symbol of my past, a part of my past that held the most hurt I have ever experienced, the most desperate time in my life. I slowly walked back that way hoping he'd be gone. He was. On the way there I had kept thinking to myself about how no matter how much you want to forget it, there are some parts of your past that will always make sure you're reminded of it. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to forget, you will never be allowed to forget. I realized how haunted I truly was by the ordeal last winter. It was something that I had completely forgotten, even after talking to Tim this last January and finding out that he was fine with who I was and apologized. I played the demo level of Sonic Heros, then it was time to leave, and I did so. I came back home to find Carlos in a wreck from trying to break up with his boyfriend. He made it through it, and did the best thing he could do. Lance signed on, and talked to me. I expected him to bug me about the local band concert thing, but he didn't. I didn't say much in an attempt at making him ask what the problem was, but he didn't. He signed off again, and I began thinking about Tony. Not the that Tristan is familiar with, Tony from my school, which I've been friends with since the days of living in David Ewing's house. We walked up and down the halls for about 30 minutes talking about this and that. We have quite a bit in common, and he's a really cool guy. For some reason I have a special feeling towards him. Not in a gay way, but he's acts sort of like what I'd think a brother would act like, and we talk about personal things a lot. I told him I'd burn him a cd, which I have done, so I'm awaiting the chance to give it to him Monday. I suppose the only other thing worth noting is that me and Kelly are actually talking now between going to 6th hour. He used to play Magic,I'm going to attempt to get him to start playing again. He thinks its really cool, though he sold his cards for some reason which I didn't bother to ask for. I'm still attracted towards him, and I don't know if he's gay or not, so you never know.
Otherwise, right now I'm mainly looking forward to the 22nd-24th of May. As a graduation party sort of thing, 5 people will stay the night on May 22nd as a prep night for the next day. Saturday, is the Fifth Dawn prerelease. We'll all go up there for it, those who can't pay their own way in, I'll pay in,and they'll just give me their cards afterwards. Then that night Halo and possibly a Fifth Dawn draft, if we can get enough Fifth Dawn to do so.
Well that's all for now, adios