Single Status Update
"Chill dude...it's going to be fine." "No it's not going to be fucking fine."
Nothing ever does. It's just one huge fucking disappointment. I thought everything would be fine with Fernando but he was a fucking whore. I thought everything would be fine with another guy I know until he decided that living 2 hours away just wasn't going to work. My fucking faimly constantly fight with eachother and I'd think it'd be fucking fine eventually but it isn't. Life is one huge fucking cosmic joke and I don't get the punchline. It'd be one thing if my entire fucking life wasn't more than a huge disappointment. The pieces are only as good as the whole. Every fucking piece is a disapointment. A tragic ending to something that began well. And I'm fucking sorry if i'm a depressing fuck but jesus christ nothing ever turns out right. I didn't want to be inconsequential, I didn't want to be the wasted potential, I didn't want to let the truth be perverted, but everyday I'm finding out the hardway that nothing is what it seems. The reality is never better than the dream.
And yet I still sit here with no way of knowing what will happen next as life is the unpredictable shit hole that it was never made out to be. The virus of life. I don't know what the fuck to do. The slipknot Vermillion said it best: He's a myth that I have to believe in. I have to believe that a guy is there that I will beable to be with and get away from all this shit with. All I know is if I'm not utterly depressed I may still have fun this weekend after riding the downward spiral to the bottom attempting to not cut myself on the razor blade edges. I thought I found my personal jesus, he turned out to be a false prophet. All is not well that ends well, the ending never is well. At the moment you're probably sitting there wondering who the fuck I've turned into and how the hell I can speak the words that I do but all I have to say is that my mind is a black hole because everytime I may feel for something the feelings get sucked away as I bide my time acting like everything will turn out fine.
The only real condolence I have in my life is that I'm not the only one who suffers the feelings that I feel. Others look at it as an injustice to have to live with such feelings but I look at it as a warped justice because everything that's shelled to you in life someone else is sure to have gotten served to them as well. While I would never kill myself sometimes it becomes more apparent why my friend Derick attempted to shoot himself in the face with a shotgun. He told me that he had no further purpose here, whatever purpose he had, had been fulfilled. All that was left for him was years of labor to merely satisfy his existence, and the large dosage of painful emmotions he would endure topped with a thin layer of joy.
No one will comment on this. No one gives a shit enough to do so. So I bid you all good day.
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thank you for riding the Mantrain. We are starting off in Whitetrash early this morning, passing through Manslag and changing train at Fernando. We are travelling Down the Spiral with Trent Reznor as your conductor (we kindly ask patrons to avoid trying to fuck Trent in the ass. He doesn't like it), who will make regular announcements about how everything in your life is a metaphor for pain and self destruction and the only way you can ever hope to improve your shitty, pansy-assed life is by buying pseudo-industrial gothic rock and comparing yourself and your suffering to the popular, rich and interesting artists that make said musics.
Refreshments and razor blades will arrive via the coffee cart shortly. We ask patrons to keep their blood to themselves for hygine reasons.
Our service today terminates at Selfpity. Avoid the hecklers as you disembark the Mantrain, or encourage them with statements such as "No one will comment on this. No one gives a shit enough to do so. So I bid you all good day." depending on how much of that existence-justifying hatred you wish to funnel at yourself.
Thank you and have a nice day.