Single Status Update
It's 1:16 am as I begin this, sitting in the downstairs living room at Lance's house, awaiting to depart for Olathe in 5 to 6 hours. Nathan is asleep on the air matress in front of me, Lance in his room. I had been attempting to sleep in what used to be the room of the oldest of Lance's younger brother's. I couldn't sleep.
I had layed there for an hour. Tossing and turning, I thought about the present, and the future. I thought about my soon-to-be-job. I thought about finishing the car, which I shall soon come up with a name for. I thought about the deck I had strategically planned out yesterday, and some of the cards. Through all of that, not in that order, my train of thought ended up derailed as I began to think of Brandyn. Still without answers, I would think of the one night we spent together, what might have been wrong. I couldn't think of anything. I never got straight answers from him, I was left to my best guess being the complications that would arise due to him not being out, and his parents being as strict as they are. Perhaps I wasn't good enough for him. That thought provoked me to imagine a scenario, where in front of his house I had parked with my finished car, a classic, and with it was obviously me, except after losing alot of weight from working out. I would deliver to him the two dvds, and on the Queen of the Damned dvd, would be the note saying "I cannot be forsaken." I would drive off into the distance, leaving him to have second thoughts about what he had done, were that the reason for what the lonliness that I now face again. For how long, uncertain. I am certain that in the end, I can do better anyway.
What bothers me about it, is not the fact that I lost Brandyn. Not at all. What bothers me is the lack of closure, and not knowing what the problem really is. It's a curse that drives me to continue persuing things no matter the subject. A natural want I have to know the complete story behind things that involve me, and to beable to end it, without leaving any strings untied. To beable to use that knowledge and learn from my mistakes. Eventually, I'll completely be over him, and won't think about him except on rare occasion. I'm soon going to have a job, I'm working out so I can lose weight and be healthier, and I have a car to finish. I have goals for once in my life. Now, the hardest part, is to keep those goals in focus, and push obstacles aside. Perhaps I needed for this to happen. It seems to have given me the edge I need to finally get started on things I should have began long ago. I've got alot of catching up to do now that my mind is in it's right place. Here's hoping it'll stay that way...
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have you ever perhaps considered that your dating issues are related to how utterly mopey you are...? don't take that the wrong way, but i dont want to date anyone who is going to leave notes like 'i cannot be forsaken' at my doorstep after a breakup. or perhaps it is just not the right time for you to be dating around.
I never said I'd actually do that, it was me imagining it. I was pretty sure that I had said so. If I ever did decide to give him his movies back I'd do it personally and wouldn't act 'mopey.' Most generally, I'm not really a mopey person at all. You all wouldn't know this as you don't know me in person, but quite often if somethings bothering me or I'm having some sort of problem, I don't make it apparent when I'm around others physically because I want them to enjoy the time they're with me rather than making them want to get away from me, or end up trying to get it out of me what the problem is. That's why I write about my problems in blogs or journals, or talk to people online who I don't see personally on a day-to-day basis. I also write how I feel or what I think better than I can say it, usually.
btw, thanks for de-monging my blog