Single Status Update
At the beginning of time (for the rest of mankind), in 1520, there was a huge meat ball known as God. Then there were his four suns, known as Jesules, Abraham, Lincon, Alex, and Donny. One day, Donny betrayed the other Jesits and Jesus, and tried to kill them to take over England, England being heaven. Jesus got pissed and exiled Donny to Hell in Mexico.
He turned Donny into an Armadillo, and dubbed him Armadildo, and that really pissed Armadildo off. So he began to eat the innocent Jesulites, shitting out mexicans who were actually his demon minion shrews in disguise, who upon jumping the border to purgatory aka America, would shred everything to bits. Eventually it would be so overran with the demonic shrews, that Jesus would come to take everyone back to heaven. Then the great battle would begin.
Armadildo would invade England and exact his revenge. However those who worshiped Jesus and the Jesules, the Jesulites, who were like elves except they wore frilly things and didn't have bells on their shoes, had a plan. At night they steal little kid's underwear by going through their drawers and then back underground through tunnels, where they had secret machines that they stuck the underwear in, and then popped out a replica Jesulite. Eventually there was so great numbers of Jesulites, that Jesulitse could defeat the shrews, and Jesus would destroy Armadildo once and for all!. And that is how it went down in the Jesulites bible, which was named Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy except that a guy wrote a book and named it that and was more famous so now they're coming up with a new name for it.