SayWhatOneMoreTime

Even if god is real then why did he decide I was okay for earth? I'm a wasted seed and some people have tried to replant this dying thing but they're only making it worse. I used to believe in reincarnation but now I don't know what I really believe in but if hell is real I do know that when I get there satan will be waiting and god will look down upon me and see his failed creation, a creation that decided to waste their own life.

I have hurt people in my life mentally and I have made people angry at me for the thing's I have said and most of my emotions and logical thinking have died. I'm not killing myself anytime soon so don't worry... I have to wait for a lot of thing's in my life and I'm not looking forward to it and yeah I know doomworld isn't a place where I post all my problems and talk about how I feel but nobody is going to listen to me unless I do something, my parent's don't even take me seriously. I don't see my life as 'valuable' because it's a waste, and if god is real then he won't allow me to join him in his perfect place in the sun/sky/space or where 'heaven' is. If there's people that care about me then they shouldn't, they should know that in the end i'll drag them down and anyone that comes into contact with me will have to be investigated but I don't know how any of that works. I was supposed to go to therapy a couple days ago but my mom cancelled my appointment and she won't give me a good reason to why she did it and I have lost all hope of being who I used to be. Yeah suicide is a permanent answer but what if that problem has lasted for over 4-5 years? Or more, I don't even remember how long I have had to deal with this depression, honestly. I don't play doom anymore because the last time I played it was when I was talking to one of my friends but she betrayed me... She killed my trust in all people and I don't want friends anymore because like I said my trust has been killed and so has my love for anyone and when I do go through with it I'm leaving a list of people for the police to find and it'll have all the names of people who pushed me to do this and hopefully they'll feel and see something from this, and no, I'm not killing myself to get revenge on people. I'm doing it to end this suffering and this existence of life. Someone in my family died Monday and that just killed me more because the person that died was still a little kid and he had his whole life ahead of him and it just dragged me down more. I wasn't close to him at all but I feel like I lost a friend and a brother at the same time. Again, I shouldn't be bringing my problems onto this website but nobody will listen to me or what I have to say and I just type these thoughts out and hope that someone can relate to what I feel. Also another reason why I'm a bad person is because I have made a wad that any normal sane person would never think of making and I plan on giving it to another member on this site before I go and hopefully they'll start the wad and see what I was going through.

I don't know why I'm so hard on myself, I don't know why I do a lot of thing's anymore. I think I have lost most of my memory and sometimes I don't even remember living most days. If you got to know me then you would see that I am a bad person. The reason I asked is because I know I'm going to die soon and heaven wasn't made for me. Heaven is for the normal people and not for the misfits, outcasts or depressed people and if I take my own life away then I will not be going to that perfect place. Also I don't deserve my life because it's just a boring dull existence, mostly boring and plus all I do is sit at home when I'm not at school and listen to the most depressing music you could possibly find online.

I have made one WAD that is very, very, very dark I mean a WAD that only someone like me could make and be called insane and called crazy. I never intend to release that WAD, except to one member that's apart of doomworld but even after that he/she will have to do one of two thing's. 1. Delete it or 2. Keep it. I don't expect them to keep it, they'll probably want it off their computer as soon as they're done playing it and no I cannot tell you what that wad is because if I told you I would be put into a mental hospital and kept there for months until I'm deemed safe or at least a little bit sane.

I don't know how big the field would have to be but it would probably have to be a medium sized field. I would also have to make custom monsters and somehow add a script or something to where they wouldn't attack you, I don't know if doom supports mp3 format but that's what I would like to use instead of a midi version of the which ever song i'll use. Also if I decide to make a WAD based off the fight song I would have to somehow use a linedef that you cross and either monsters come out of a hidden wall or a elevator type thing to where the floor raises up but I don't know how to do that but I have tried to do it once and it just didn't work out good enough. And I would have to add sound effects but again I do not know how to do that very well because I would have to either download custom ones or record them myself, there's just so many thing's I would like to do but can't do without knowing how to and having some creativity with it.

I'm not asking for anything. It's an idea and something I want to do.

I have thought about doing BONE's teenwitch album as a WAD since it's so easy to understand and all you really need to do is make a couple maps and some scripting and you're done but I really want to do holywood more than the downward spiral right now because I know it'll take me at least a year to understand how to properly do it.

It really isn't a song but I just wanted to know what other's think of it.

That song you mentioned reminds me of a song nocturnal depression made, I don't remember the name of it but it kinda sounds similar to it.

It's mainly the downward spiral one I wouldn't know where to start off at because I want it to have a lot of emotion to it like how the album itself does. I guess I could look at that WAD and try to get some ideas from it or at least get a look of what I could/couldn't do.

Hopefully my life getting better.

I'm sorry, I just have something weird wrong with me like I take thing's that people say to me wrong and it either depresses me or makes me angry and I wasn't trying to come off as hostile. I can't really control the situation because I can't get control of my life, it's like my life is just some downward spiral and there's no stopping it.

I know and I'm sorry, I just found somethings out tonight that I didn't really want to and I won't use the excuse of emotions. But I just don't even feel much right now.

I know, and I also know I'm probably going to get some hate or something for replying like that.

Yeah, no matter where I go someone is always there to either scream or yell at me. I don't plan on being here in march anyways, yeah I know there's other people out there that have it worse than me.

I don't know, I've never experienced true love only true evil. I don't know if they're talking about the clothes I wear or the music I listen to, or if it's cause of my german accent mixed with a little bit of an American accent. I kinda think it is my hair and because of my voice, along with having mental problems. I mean why would someone want to date a suicidal/depressed guy? I also don't try to let people get close to me or be my friend because I know i'll hurt them in the end so I just try to avoid people at my school and at other places other than online. I do like megadeth but I don't listen to them much anymore I just listen to music that adds fuel to my depression and also reminds me of my friend. My mom does like metallica but I never really listened to their music.

Edit: I don't even know.

Everyone who knows me or knows what I look like says I look like a 'weird kid' and I ask them what they mean and they just tell me it's nothing when it is something, I'm tired of people controlling how I feel and how I want to live my life but I'm always told that since I'm still a kid I don't understand when I do understand some of the stuff just not all of it. I also have long hair too and I don't know if that's why women don't want to date me because it's like why would a girl date a guy who has long hair? I've actually never really thought about that until now so that might be a reason, I've given up on 'love' like I said before because love does more harm than it does good. In my experience at least. I used to listen to metal music but I just don't find any joy in listening to it anymore, I just mainly listen to greaf, lil peep, bones and sometimes Marilyn manson.

Well this has lasted for five year's for me and has it gotten better like everyone promises? No, I don't know how old you are or if your still in school but do you know what it's like to be called a Nazi both at school and online just because I'm a german? Or what it's like for girls to reject you just because of the way you look? I mean that adds onto why I'm like this and I've basically given up on finding love or ever having someone to call my own. I just wish I could put all these emotions onto an object and just leave them there for a year or two and see if they fixed themselves yet, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me or anything. Nobody should feel sorry or pity me to be honest. At least you're giving me advice, some people just tell me to deal with it.

lübeck Germany, but I live in the united states.

I think I'm probably past the point of getting better, It's already gotten ugly and the thoughts I have aren't normal. I hate myself for so many reasons, I wish my mother would have aborted me.

No, it's someone else's song. I was just wanting to know what other people thought of it.

@Jello Yeah I agree it is too short. I wish there was a longer version for it but I can't find one for it. It sounds more like an outro to either a game or an outro to life.

@Nine Inch Heels I go to therapy next Wednesday so I already am.

KMFDM - Hau ruck Lil peep - Hellboy Marilyn manson - holywood Marilyn manson - The high end of low BONES - TeenWitch