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About spank

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    I'm afraid of Americans

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  1. I have a problem and I need to talk about it. Thankfully, I suppose this small niche of forum users that know little about me will be able provide some comfort and wise words and advice. The good thing about being in touch with you guys and having no idea who you are is that that allows me to place full trust in you and let you know absolutely everything (things are simply better off one's chest rather than on it), even though you're not important to me and I'm certainly even less important to you. Also, the probability of anyone close to me reading this is close to null so there's not much to lose, apart from a bit of nervousness.

    First and foremost, heh, relax. The problem's not me. It's my girlfriend, which is bad enough. While I have no actual (ie clinical) proof she actually suffers from that disorder some of her behaviors ever since we first met and began our relationship are totally unusual. Better yet, harmful - mainly to herself, because her attitude tends to make people who are less patient stay away from her.

    (Long story short: those two moments, which happened approximately nine months ago, had a 12 hour lapse between them (!); yeah, I took the chance and I have yet to find out whether I regret it or not.)

    I first noticed something wasn't right because she was extremely suspicious of the reactions I had whenever this girl who I had some feelings for before her passed by. Any look, short as it would be, would be interpreted as flirting when it wasn't at all. I struggled to make her believe she had all my attention, but the idea was firm. At the time I reckoned it was plain jealousy, but it was completely exaggerated. With time this stopped being an important concern, because more serious issues came about.

    She usually tends to think any comments and actions directed to her are actually offensive and malicious criticisms, so particularly if anyone is actually joking with her, she'll simply shut up and walk away with the impression she is not wanted wherever she might be which in itself really is offensive (once, she even thought an sms message she received congratulating her for a very high exam score was a threat). This was very evident, since my friends are generally very witty and sarcastic. Her tendency to see people as hostile takes other forms, as she feels that if someone else befriends a friend of hers it's with the intent of taking them away from her. And this is what I find specially important and I'd be dumb if I didn't, because it's this thought that's ruining her life even though she holds certain people on very high accounts and they are immune to these beliefs.

    See, when we started dating, she had a very close friend (which I'll call X since I'm not telling my GF's name either). Eventually our friends groups started getting along well. In fact, so well X started dating one of my best friends. The truth is, X got along with my friends much better than my girlfriend did, and you probably guessed it, their relationship started going downhill from there, because my girlfriend blamed X for my friends' hatred towards her which is simply nonexistent (at most, they just don't talk to my GF as much as they talk to X, who admittedly is more accessible). This blaming made her friends afraid of her, and they probably resented what she was doing to X. She quickly passed on to blame X for her friends' distance and soon after that, X's presence became so unbearable to her she would even avoid being at my place (somewhat ironically, X's boyfriend is my roommate). She gained the belief X is seeking to completely destroy her and her achievements.

    As you can notice, she victimizes herself. A lot, really. On her birthday, she insisted I'd have dinner with my colleagues rather than her because we had to complete an assignment that was getting overdue. Despite the fact the rest of my team made the commitment of doing my part of the work which I was extremely grateful for, I ended up having dinner alone at a bar because she went home without telling me and turned her phone off, while they were doing my work on their own. Later, when I was going home, she complained she had been alone on her birthday again and that people kept forgetting her and that some even made fun of her. I didn't feel like taking crap that day and told her it was her fault she had been alone which hurt her lots. She doesn't realize she does this kind of stuff. On another example, her belief that I might prefer being with my friends instead of her (and that they don't want her by either) prompts her to tell me to get together with them, which I'm obviously reluctant to do even if I feel like being with them. If I go with them, I went with them; if I go with her, they'll blame her for not being with them (not). She has a tendency to believe things will end up turning on her; however she seems ok with badmouthing people (esp. X) unless she's the target.

    Problems are also totally unmanageable to her. She lives with her uncle, with whom she doesn't have a very personal relationship (in fact her room is rented) although he is quite friendly towards her. He started to make plans to move out of that house but he guaranteed her parents he'd keep renting the room especially for her. However, she believes that's unlikely to happen and that she'll have to quit studying because she's not willing to go any place else with new people. In her freshman year she lived with a girl who was completely disrespectful of her which was very draining, and she does not want to go through that again. No matter how much I tell her that was a one-off situation, she prefers quitting to taking the chance.

    Speaking of dropping out of uni, my GF was on the verge of doing just that this last term. Her biggest problem is X, who she continuously holds responsible for most of her troubles. In fact, when X got fed up with her accusations, she simply told her "it's your own damn fault people don't want to be near you at all". It took me this whole summer to make my GF unpack her shit again.

    I've been able to cope with this, mostly because I am probably the only person she trusts in enough to tell stuff about herself and I think I understand why she acts this way. I think she sometimes notices she's not doing it right (she didn't tell me what X said to her, I had to ask X herself), but all of this makes sense to her. It would make sense to me: if you didn't believe in yourself who else would? Sometimes things are not as simple as they look. Yes, she might look for invalid excuses for her behavior. But no, she's no spoiled brat. She lost her virginity to a rape in an elevator when she was 17 and that was the second attempt, her ex-boyfriend was an abusive moron, not to mention her freshman year. Obviously, despite her (awesome, cute) looks she doesn't hesitate to mention how ugly she is. She IS paranoid about stuff and accuses people of trying, according to their best interests, to make her realize that.

    I am scared I'll not be able to cope with this anymore, since a couple of hours ago it took on a whole new direction. Maybe I didn't place much emphasis on the X problem. OK, let me put it this way, my GF thinks X is the root of all evil that hurts her. Granted, X might seem a bit too friendly to everyone. I wouldn't be too surprised if she actually backstabbed anyone. But currently she's not a threat, at all, nor do I think she'll ever be, at least any more than my GF might be to her. Anyway, this new direction is a very scary one. My GF is receptive towards metaphysical considerations, and someone very intelligent (if you know what i mean) in her family suggested X - damn, I feel embarrassed - might have some sort of black aura around her. What the fuck is happening here? Yes, mysticism. Sometimes we make up some seriously... uh... (fuck it) dumb excuses for what we do... we might blame the next one, that's human nature. But this just feels... inhuman.

    So that's it, folks. It's out of my chest. Yes, obviously I should dump her but no, I'm not doing that. I think I can make her better. I'm young and I don't mind wasting a bit of my oh-so-precious sex life with this girl because I'm probably the only person she truly loves and I love her too. I truly hope from the bottom of my heart she's not becoming nuts with all this and that I can do something to prevent it because I feel I'm the only person who'll ever be capable of doing such a thing.

    And the irony is that she's a Psychology student.

    1. Show previous comments  18 more
    2. DOOMinator


      Well like I said, I don't voice my paranoia (with the exception of this post) because I know how ridiculous I'll look.

      If you have bad experience after bad experience since you're small, and have no one to rely on...it will forever shape your outlook on the world. And that's what I meant by critical period. Of course it is by no means impossible to reconstruct, but it's just very hard.

      Of course she can change, but she's so bogged down into her own insecurities that she'll never be able to fix it. And it's hard when you're convinced the world won't like you no matter what. Like they can smell loser on you just as they meet you. That's what I was referring to.

      But this isn't about me, and I wasn't whining I was just explaining it from someone who's basically just like her except a bit more toned down. And you can't say critical periods don't exist because they're discussed in all schools of psychology. That's when young people are the most impressionable...hence why mothers try not to let kids see explicit images because it may shape their perspective forever. Doesn't always mean it will in a bad way. I turned out ok in that sense. But that's what it's talking ab out.

      Children go through impressionable periods in their life, and if she had horrivble experiences during such, it'll take quite awhile to be able to believe again. It's possible, but extremely difficult. I'm not trying to make an excuse and say "we're diseased, we can't help it"...I was just merely explaining the situation.

    3. chilvence


      Well, you managed to change between two posts from being adamantly negative to at least considering a good outcome. That's all I'm talking about. For the next step I suggest you experiment with soft drugs and start listening to James Brown. At least one of those will have a guaranteed military grade positive effect (just dont overdo it..)

    4. spank


      DOOMinator said:

      Well like I said, I don't voice my paranoia (with the exception of this post) because I know how ridiculous I'll look.

      That, in itself, is a paranoid thought...