Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Janderson

Members
  • Content count

    1618
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Status Updates posted by Janderson

  1. It started out as a list of the ways I nearly died while mountain climbing in Greece, then I got bored, altered some events and made one a little story. Enjoy.

    -

    We had come the wrong way again. We could see our goal taunting us from across the chasm. The path to our salvation. The road to glory. Were we on a flat plain, it would be but three hundred meters away and footsore, tired and thirsty as we were we could have - would have - sprinted to that wonderous dirt road's embrace. Unfortunately mountains aren't flat and a seemingly bottomless pit lay between us and Poolside Action. On the edge of that cliff, staring into that abyss I felt like a man looking into an abyss, which ironically, was what I was doing at the time. Then our minibus appeared, tooting merrily, mockingly, kicking up dust on the trail we desperately sought to reach.

    Our leader, defeated by the trail and broken by the sight of our ride home, announced that we were going to climb down into the abyss and back out, taking it: "as the crow flys." From the deranged glint in his eye we could tell that there would be no reasoning with this man. To this day some believe his soul still walks the correct trail looking for his wayward body.

    The young mountaineers resignedly began tying, knoting and doing other ropey things, each one fearing a callous boot from our leader and a cry of "THIS - IS - BUTTER!" or something equally insane. One lad, a wirey youth with curly locks and the blood of Hercules himself a-flow within his veins, was plucked from the group, tied up and cast to the depths by our despicable leader. "Sort that out, VH!" He roared, foaming at the mouth. He himself followed shortly after, leaping into the ether like a homeward bound salmon. We only knew he had survived by the maniacal laughter coming from beneath the canopy of foliage. Then the dread cry: "First man, down!" he whooped.

    The first man just happened to be me. Being slow on the up-take I failed to join my comrades as they clamoured to escape the horrors of the edge, leaving me alone and vulnerable and a little bit chilly. I turned to Compo, the closet albino and my long time buddy from way back (few months ago), mouthed 'bollocks' and made to follow our challenged leader, who, at this point, was crying and banging sticks together.

    Three points of contact; leg over hand; chest out, arse in; I fell off the rock face, tripped on the guide rope, half-rolled half-clambered, kicking loose many stones and rocks, which I found, as I broke the canopy, our leader was devouring like french bon-bons. I slid to a halt a mere ten meters above the formerly human mountain leader. He awarded me nine points for style and beckoned me with a waggle of his finger and a flick of his... ... ... tail. Then it happened.

    Time seemed to slow. Compo above me screams "BELOW!" The leader pulls out a banana. At that moment a large rock blurs past my head, crashing down upon a rock mere inches from my skull. The leader bends into an impossible shape narrowly avoiding life as a vegetable The rock catches the banana which explodes everywhere. Time resumes. I scream "FUCK!"

    As I completed my trip to the bottom, to meet a living, breathing VH. I thought about what had just happened. I had no idea what the leader was planning to do with that banana, but thanks to Compo's quick thinking we were spared the - most likely - grisly results.

    When the rest of the team reached the bottom safely, our recomposed leader uttered "Bollocks. The sides are too steep. We'll have to follow the ravine." Then he ate his eyes.

    ~fin~

  2. I went snowboarding for a month in Austria. Was fackin hardcore.

    I'm a first timer, so at first I was a bit frustrated that all my mates were freestyling while I was doing falling leaf and J turns. But after a while I came to terms with the fact that snowboarding is not the same as skateboarding and my instructer was hot.

    The first week was spent at Zel am See on the Glacier near Kaprun, and the Kitsteinhorn near Zel. We just learned the basics. Plenty of spills, plenty of pain, plenty of fun. The best thing about it were the T-bars though. T shaped bars you grab to get dragged back up the mountain. For skiers probably simple. For a novice snowboarder extremely difficult as you have to steer keeping clear of ruts made be the many who have gone before you and keeping your balance in general. What a ball-ache, but it's better than walking! The first week I just gave up and hooked my free leg over the T so I could be dragged up by my feet catching all the snow loose snow in my jacket as I went... yay.

    The next three weeks were spent racing down at Nuestift against the other novices but since the weather was shitty for a bit all we did was freeboard. I never won any of the races I attended but did manage to overtake somebody on the (single) Slalem. The food was excellent down there and there wasn't I night I came home sober. And the best part was getting paid to skive my actual job to go on a winter holiday for a month.

    As a bonus I got air, learned a couple of tricks and mastered the T bar(I was doing that bad boy one legged and everything.)

    So anyway any snowboarders on here? Can you recomend any places to go on a snowboarding holiday? Anybody who's interested want any info on it? Btw if you're looking for tuition I suggest the Ripstar team.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Doom Marine

      Doom Marine

      Janderson said:

      I went snowboarding for a month in Austria. Was fackin hardcore.

      I'm a first timer, so at first I was a bit frustrated that all my mates were freestyling while I was doing falling leaf and J turns. But after a while I came to terms with the fact that snowboarding is not the same as skateboarding and my instructer was hot.

      ...

      So anyway any snowboarders on here? Can you recomend any places to go on a snowboarding holiday? Anybody who's interested want any info on it? Btw if you're looking for tuition I suggest the Ripstar team.

      That claim is useless without pics, nekkid pics of your instructor (for movement analysis) plz.

      As a snowboarding instructor myself, I spend plenty of time in Snoqualmie Pass and Whistler-Blackcomb. If you ever have the chance to snowboard in North America, go to Whistler it's the best we have to offer.

    3. Doom Marine

      Doom Marine

      DooMAD said:

      I've been a couple of times in British Columbia, Canada. It's definitely better than skiing, but I'm pretty hopeless at it. If 'falling leaf' turns are what I think they are, that's pretty much where I'm at in terms of mastery. I've yet to get the hang of turning whilst going fast, so I tend to travel slower just so I can keep control, but then end up losing momentum and getting stuck. Then you have to unclip a foot and start pushing, which probably looks pretty lame. My dismounts from the ski lift almost always result in falling over, but it's still good fun, heh.

      I was a snowboarder who switched over to skiing and currently instruct both sports. One of the main problems with most snowboarders, is that they lean back too much when travelling fast.

      When travelling at high speeds, it's natural for the novice snowboarder (or skier) to resort to natural instincts to face away from the "danger," which would be in this case the downhill slope. This makes the upper body lean back while the snowboard accelerates and cause the rider to fall. What should be done here is to do the opposite and "face the danger," lean into the tip of the snowboard (even if it's facing downhill), and make sure most of your body forces are directed towards the front of the snowboard, and pressure it to be on edge. "Facing the danger" is very much key to the J-turn and many other maneuvers as you advance in snowboarding. Practice it on a gentle slope.

      Hopeless eh? If you feel like you like snowboarding enough, you should start it out right with the correct fundamentals. Too often I've seen people with 10+ years of snowboarding experience who "sideslips" down black diamond chutes; they haven't been shown the proper way. What do I mean by starting out right with correct fundamentals? Take lessons, getting formal snowboarding/skiing lessons will build a good foundation from which all the more badass tricks are based upon.

    4. Patrick

      Patrick

      I live in Colorado and I do not ski, nor do I board. hopefully I'll find the opportunity to do so.

  3. Heh. I am shitting my pants. So I ain't sleeping tonight. Here's why;

    Yesternight I had a dream. In it there were black dogs (hellhounds, black shucks, whatever!) walking through a city in broad daylight. Everybody was ignoring them despite the fact they were massive black dogs just wandering around. My dream self would not look at them directly and when I got close I grew intensly frightened and tried to ignore them like everybody else. It wasn't so much the dogs themselves at first, it was how they made everybody act including authorities and experts.

    These dogs were the size of doberman but shaped like alsations with thick black hair and large red eyes, with huge black pupils, set real close together. Their eyebrows hanging over caveman style to give them a permanently malevolant glare. They seemed to ignore all the people, content in their own wanderings. They didn't seem to have pups and the streets were free of defecation.

    In my dream there were news paper clippings about people found ripped to shreds in their homes by these things. At some point I think all this shit is ridiculous and make to shoo one away. The second I set eyes on this thing it snarls and I'm rooted with fear. It's making some kind of noise like a deep chuckle with a dog's growl overlayed. I avert my eyes and the dog gets back to wondering. Its face when scrunched into a snarl with it's narrow set eyes fucks me right up!

    So after I wake up I think I shall record this because that is what I do when I have vivid dreams. Of course I waited 'til night to do this so my memory was a bit hazy. So I'm looking at descriptions and google images trying to get it back in my head so I could write a more artistic description and I come across this:

    Wandering Black Dogs
    Wandering black dogs may be encountered in almost any rural area, normally at night. The dog is usually encountered by a lone traveler or, at the most, a group of two or three. It is heading in the opposite direction to the traveler(s), and is content to ignore and be ignored. However, if anyone should speak to it, try to strike it or take any other action, the dog will use a supernatural power to strike the offender blind, dumb, mad or worse. It can do this simply by stopping and fixing the victim with its fiery eyes, although it does not even need to do this; the effect seems to be spell-like rather than a gaze weapon.


    And all of a sudden it felt for a moment like I was back in the dream and it all came flooding back. I know the location and modus operandi of the dog is different in this description but makes it worse somehow.

    Still, don't think I got the description of the dogs down right but it's a start.

    So basically, I scared the shit out of myself. What do you think?

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Janderson

      Janderson

      Like I say, it's not so much the dogs themselves but the atmosphere they produce. I just don't understand why it's affecting me while I'm awake!

      @AirRaid: That's why my roommate, Bobo, calls me Jimmy 4-Eyes ;P

    3. Craigs

      Craigs

      Yesternight I had a dream. In it there were black dogs (hellhounds, black shucks, whatever!) walking through a city in broad daylight. Everybody was ignoring them despite the fact they were massive black dogs just wandering around. My dream self would not look at them directly and when I got close I grew intensly frightened.

      Racist.

    4. GreyGhost

      GreyGhost

      There are black dogs all over the place. The good news - according to a book I read many years ago - is that they can't cross large bodies of water, so a houseboat in the middle of a lake or major river might be your ideal residence - provided you're not anchored in the main navigation channel.

  4. Anybody else get this?;

    'You are a great guy. I trust you completely, you're a good laugh, you're caring, you help me out a lot, you're good company. My friends and I talk about how we wish we had a boyfriend like you.

    (And now the punchline)

    Oh well! Good luck getting a girl, what's on telly?'

    What's that all about? Why throw the dog a bone with intent to wound?
    Women, I tell ya!

    1. Show previous comments  41 more
    2. Patrick

      Patrick

      at least these girls didnt invent imaginary people to get rid of you

    3. Joe

      Joe

      insertwackynamehere said:

      pics


      Wacky you stud muffin.

    4. rf`

      rf`

      Joe said:

      Wacky you stud muffin.

      He went from retard to Fredrick Johannsenn in a year!

  5. Long story short; I got chased out of a club it took me ages to find, by a little, middle-aged man who could not keep his beady eyes off me. I'd be charged by mili and civie laws, and lose my fast-track promotion if I had smote him. I had a kebab with chips and lettuce.

    Short story long (warning! attempted humour);
    I split from my group. Alone I hunted. I searched long and hard, but I finally found it. After interrogating Bournmouth bouncers for an hour and walking for miles to the edge of the suburbs I located a club which played rock! I was happy. The music was good and the bevies; cheap. But as I was buying said bevies I was to discover a terrible curse; a homosexual stalker.

    He caught my eye at the bar, and nodded. A horrid little creature he was too, but I returned the nod, payed the barmaid and was about to move away when he stopped me with his creepy stare - into my soul.

    He tapped his beer and nodded at me, holding it out as an offering. WTF? Thinks I, He wants me... to have his half finished bottle of Becks? Fuck?! Perhaps he is foreign?

    'No thanks I've got a drink!' I cried and turned on my heel to check out the club. Killing in the Name Of was playing so I assembled on the dance floor, then Guns and Roses came on so I beat a hasty retreat, while observing the floor.

    A sense of dread. I felt his gaze on me, burning me. I turned to catch the creature turning innocently away. Resuming my observation I turned to catch him thrice more!

    My blood like ice, I knew what was happenening. I'd done the same thing in school, to girls I thought I'd loved. Y'know, when the attraction was so much that you couldn't help but look. I now knew how it felt, to have a horrid little creature gaping at you (he even had the glasses). This was God, trying to make me see the error of my teenage ways. But wait a fucking second. I'm not even hot, WTF was this guy thinking? Has he no taste?

    I tried moving to a new location but he followed, stealthily using walls and people to get a peep at my dorkular build. I found with some amusement that his crippled confidence stopped him from entering the dance floor, like some kind of crazy forcefield. On the dancefloor I was safe, but Guns'n'Roses was still playing, what was I supposed to do?

    So there I was... using my peripheral vision to monitor my little admirer, while pretending to watch people rock out to Paradise City, waiting for some decent rock to come on so I could flee to the dance floor and ignore him. For a gay admirer, I can handle, but this was fucked. Had he tried to spike me before? Was he even gay, or was he a miniature sociopath eyeing some 'easy prey?'

    It wouldn't have been so bad if I couldn't see him, but he was standing bare inches from my side and blatently checking out my profile.

    I decided my friends should like to know of my prediciment and maybe if he thought there was more of us coming he'd bugger off! I pulled out my phone and began to make like I was reading a text before writing my own in my lethargic manner (I text like old people fuck: slowly).

    'Being stalked! WTF?' I texted, when I saw him half-leaning towards me. My eyes met his. He smiled apologetically. I retreated to a nearby pillar and leaned on it cool-dude style, tilting the phone and leaning over it to obscure his view. He disappeared from my side.

    ...And reappeared round the other side of the pillar, watching me intently. You fucking kidding me?! I thought.

    Ignoring him I suddenly strode with conviction towards the entrance of the club, like I was gonna meet a friend, and leaned against wall like I was waiting for someone. Sending my half finished text I turn, to find him standing over my shoulder on tip-toes, checking out the message. I almost screamed 'Holy Shit dude!' into his little face, but I managed a wry smile and said; 'A little fucking creepy, man!'

    He looked at me sadly, nodded and waddled off. Thank fuck for that.

    I returned to my place by the pillar and resumed waiting for Guns 'n Roses to end... in vain, because their songs never fucking end.

    I begin another text when I see a scarily familliar shape waddle past. Jesus. HMS Christ! I thought for a second he hadn't seen me, but he span 180, checked me out and scuttled to a less obvious vantage point.

    The text ended, Fuck this bullshit, I'm outta here!

    Taking huge steps I speed walked from the club with the momentum of a thousand elephants made of steel. At 100m I turn to see him standing in the doorway. I know it was him because he was the only one in there not dressed as a rocker, infact I think he was on my trail before I even found the rock club.

    Bollocks, thinks I! Coming to a roundabout I split for the underground passage. Out on the otherside I looked back to see that he had not only halved the distance, he was strolling over the roundabout with extreme prejudice.

    What the Fuck? I cried before fleeing back to town lightning fast, (Thank god for basic training) I must have run a mile or two at top speeds passing bewildered bouncers and party goers and refusing people trying to sell food to me as I sprinted past.

    Eventually I stopped and ate a kebab with chips and lettuce,
    the end.

    1. Show previous comments  20 more
    2. Technician

      Technician

      I'd take a go at him if he offered a "little head"

      GET IT!

    3. printz

      printz

      Is he still stalking ya?

    4. Janderson

      Janderson

      No, but yesterday I had my face licked by a man in drag. I think the world wants me to be gay.

  6. Once again on the 6.5 mile march I am forced to sprint after my squad being chased by an angry sergeant and flashbacks of my haunted past... which includes more angry sergeants.

    It started off horribly, me in the second row power walking as fast as my stumpy legs could carry me. The guy in front of me was cursed too and couldn't keep level with the PTI and had to run to catch up. After five mins of closing the ever widening gaps I was thoroughly shagged out and started forming gaps of my own within the squad. After ten minutes the poor sods behind me said 'fuck this!' and started overtaking me. And thats when the hard work began :(

    So I ran after them for the next ten minutes, breaking into walk to to breathe, being screamed at, then back into the run. Whenever I thought I was back at the squad, it turned out that they were laggers too. GASP. And when I did reach the squad running wasn't allowed because it upset the people behind me so I fell back again.

    Finally after the final water break, only 600m from the finishing line I decide that a final run was in order, to catch up with the group and keep running til the end. My feet were numb (much better =D) and my personal banshee was pissed. I was going to finish this! I took 5 paces at a sprint and was disqualified for lagging too far behind X.X

    It seems I'm doomed to follow in my father's footsteps and jog the whole distance.

    That being said, I'm pretty good fitness wise, I only need a few more press ups and sit ups to pass completely.

    Anyway my Regular Army Basic Training is in October. I think I'm better off training for that than my TA BT which happens in ... 2 weeks!? :'<

  7. Hurrah and Huzzah! I've passed my driving test! But not only did I pass, there are a few technicalities which make my victory all the more Victorious!

    1) I was sick as a dog. I really shouldn't have been on the road that day but when lessons cost that much, plus the cost of the test, it's a gamble I had to take.
    2) I thought I had failed. I thought I pulled at least three major faults. Sure it's something everybody feels in the test, but it added a few degrees to my glib smile.
    3) My Driving instructor thought I'd fail.
    4) Only 6 minor faults.
    5) DI's words; "When that guy called your name my heart sunk." They gave me an examiner my DI thought was the "meanest bastard in the county."

    My victory reduced my DI to tears.

    But damn was it hot on that test! I was sweating like a <racial slur> on a <unpleasent scenario>.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Planky

      Planky

      Only thing I got told off for when getting my restricted was turning left when I was asked to turn right.

      Passed my full license with flying colours. If only I had anywhere to drive to :P

      Congrats J.

    3. Lizardcommando

      Lizardcommando

      I remember when I passed the driver's test January. I thought i was gonna fail too since I did miserable on the first one.

    4. Piezo

      Piezo

      I don't remember my driver's test. I only remember my week of driver's ed in that crappy malibu, the class in high school, and the written test in the DPS. I must have smoked away that memory or things are a little different in Texas, but you all knew that already.

  8. [April]
    * I sign up for the New Deal agreement with jobseekers

    * Go to Liverpool and Manchester, to visit my friends at university, shop, and PARTAY (Playing Command and Conquer, Civilisation 2, CCS, and Risk the board game to classical war compositions [The last being the funnest and recommended & approved by me])

    * Got lost along the motorways of warrington when I decided I could walk to my friend's house. *Point of interest: About halfway I decided to ask for directions. Because I was laden with bags, the old folks I asked thought I was a military pilot or aircrew and directed me to the air base instead of where I needed to be!

    For two hours I'd be back tracking, pacing and trying to contact my friends, and the street I wanted would be just round the corner, waiting like the mocking 'I told you sos' that usually occur after you anounce you're going to do something stupid and then do it.

    Jander's Food Bites! - That night one of my friends cooked me a tender beef stake in a 'Spicy Curry' Pot Noodle sauce. 10/10! After a hard days travelling you need this! It is beauty and the feast!

    And then I went home!

    * Quit Jobseekers because they were going to steal my TA and driving time.

    * Got a thorough bollocking by my driving instructor for chosing to work at TA when I could be driving. Well, I did blow him off to go travelling and then again to sweep the TA Tank park (in the rain!)

    * Passed Army selection. I learned several valuable lessons;
    - if you need to shit before going for going on a 1.5 mile run, for the love of God go!
    - also when giving an icebreaker, saying 'My most memorable moment, would be now/this weekend' (especially after the last 40 candidates did the same) is really gay. I didn't btw.
    - when a sergeant asks 'do you know a joke' and some tosspot says, 'Yea, you!' if you're in front of said tosspot, duck.
    - people who ask 'What did you get?' Should be told to shut the fuck up, because they're about to blabber about their achievements!

    *Quit my TA CMSR (basic training) to finish my driving lessons.

    [May]
    *Became a lvl 44 Warlock.

    Any questions?

    1. exp(x)

      exp(x)

      Janderson said:

      Any questions?

      TA = ?

    2. AirRaid

      AirRaid

      Territorial Army.

  9. Since my last fitness test I have improved slightly.

    Before/After
    28 / 42 - Pushups in two mins
    38 / 47 - Situps in two mins
    13:58 / 10:03 - 1.5 mile run

    I did a CFT; a test where I had to stride quickly, carrying 20kg and a rifle along a 6 mile course, to finish in under an hour. For every step my collegues took, I fell half a pace behind. I had to start and stop jogging to catch up or be pushed (I was at the front) every 10 seconds. I was dead in 12 minutes and fell to the back, but thanks to my tactical sprinting and encouraging cries I managed to finish, albeit 200m behind everybody else. I'm not bothered a few dropped out or weren't allowed to do the march. Thanks to my short step though, when I do the real march with 40kgs, rifle, helmet and field kit, I'll have to jog the whole way. :(

    So now my targets for April are
    Pushups - 60 - 70
    Situps - 60 - 70
    Chinups - 10+ (I believe)
    1.5 mile run - under 9:30 mins
    And I must be able to run (weighted) for an hour.

    Anybody else got any fitness targets?

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. insertwackynamehere

      insertwackynamehere

      heh i think even more ironically, i got running shoes the weekend after i hurt my knee thinking I would start up again. Still havent use them :P although I may if I end up doing tennis this season. If i dont my mom will make me cut my hair :/

    3. Janderson

      Janderson

      Wow, weighted exercises!? I can barely do 'em unladen. Got to ask though, is it better to start adding weights (gradually of course) or do I have to build up to it first?

      Also do you use different spacings for your press-ups (e.g v.wide - crossed thumbs) or do you use standard shoulder width?

      Nice going with that time btw. I hope you can keep that up.

    4. Doom Marine

      Doom Marine

      Hmm... Filelodge is down... nuts, maybe it'll be back up in a couple of days...

      About adding weights to exercises, for me, I'm so light my body doesn't offer much resistance to build up strength, so I decided to add weights.

      I started out using relatively light weights, like 25-lbs for my push-ups, which then worked up to be 90-lbs right now.

      Here's my current workout regiment:

      Sundays: 5-mile jog
      Mondays: Rest Day
      Tuesdays: 3-mile jog, 1-mile sprint, upper-body exercises
      Wednesdays: Rest Day
      Thursday: 3-mile jog, 1-mile sprint, upper-body exercises
      Fridays: Rest Day
      Saturdays: Snowboarding (5-hours)

      As you can see, I only really work out my upper body two days out of the entire week. I generally do several sets of upper-body exercises with increasing weight, I make it a discipline to not perform upper-body exercises without weight.

      After training with weight, you should be able to pack on more weights.

      EDIT: I use standard shoulder-width push-ups with and without weights.
      EDIT: Filelodge is up!

  10. After owning, pwning and generally being pwned on Doom 3 DM, I decided that my shenanigans should conclude and stuffing my face with Pringles should commence.

    As I stepped out of the computor room my eyes met a troubling sight. Various plastic mechanical parts spread out on the floor. What the bloody hell have those little bastard pups destroyed now? I thought. The animal abusing rage building within me caused me to scream their names, my voice shaking the ferniture... or at least shaking me.

    A pair of mid-sized Alsations slunk out of what I assumed was the kill zone. They ignored my 'Listen! Sit! SIT! Sit you bastards!' Then they slunk off to commit another atrocity.

    I entered the room and beheld what they had unmade. A large ball of wet grey fur with a single white liberty spike on the pinnacle sitting on a black plastic base. It had triangular ears and was waggling them whilst humming, fizzing and buzzing with its back to me. Cautiosly I spun the tiny figure around. Where it's face would have been was a gaping hole, its plastic jaws and LEDs on wires were hanging out. Then it spoke to me;

    Thing: Big *click* li-bzzzzz-t, gwar! Whoo-ooo-ooo! hmmmmmmmmm *click*

    My hands tightened into fists. I knew what they had slaughtered. I hurled the wretched thing across the room, causing its mouth to break and various bits to fly out. (Greeemmmmmmm, me scared, bzzzzzzzzz.) I then ripped one of its ears and tied the creature to a handy nail by the front door. Then I marched over to those pups and broke out the tripe sticks. For they had ended that fucking Furby.

    I am once again proud that these dogs are mine. Me, I would have taken the batteries out and hidden the damned thing, but they did what I have always dreamed of doing and ripped the little bastard's face out. As I type I can hear its voice decending into clicks and buzzs, the only recognisable sounds are the tunes of nursery rhymes and snoring, the rest sounds like a tape of random noises rewinding. It's Glorious!

    Also if I hadn't given them the tripe sticks they'd have destroyed a Neil Diamond CD. Oh well, the intent was there, I'll just bury it under their food.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Janderson

      Janderson

      AndrewB said:

      I think being lost is the intended effect.

      Indeed. For clarity; every Furby deserves torture and death. Their staring eyes...their merciless chatter... It's more than a man can bear, I tell you! Tripe Sticks are a smelly and presumably tasty reward. And that Niel Diamond CD is not mine.

      But now that I've approved of one act of destruction they've destroyed two entire rooms. It's like playing terrorists, or something.

      Casualties include;
      A small plastic shrubberry with foam base; seems to have exploded.
      Diving goggles; mauled.
      2 phones; Connection to network has been severed.
      2 straw hats; mutilated.
      1 picture frame; glass shattered.
      A few shoes; soles destroyed.
      2 picture frames, 1 fan and a computor chair; brutally knocked over.
      An acre of shreaded wallpaper; spread evenly across every floor of our house.
      Various other objects; gnawed upon, broken, invalidated.
      And A Dyson who died in the middle of clearing the wallpaper and exploded shrubberry.

      Several lessons have been learned here, mainly that the dogs know how to open pull doors with upturned handles.

    3. insertwackynamehere

      insertwackynamehere

      wow...thats just wow O_O

    4. Danarchy

      Danarchy

      My friend's roomate had a dog and the dog ate my friend's Nintendo 64 controller and his glasses. Literaly ate. Now that's just hardcore.

  11. I have lived with scores of lying bastards. The lies themselves showed up in a variety of hues and shades. Some small, some believable, some defying physics, geography and human anatomy and others that can only be described as legendary. I have also found despicable and shameful as well.

    I love listening to people who are blatently lying and I love it more when they get caught out. I love it so much I have a top ten, these came from various people.

    10. I own a Lamborghini (Flaw: numbers and colours of Lamborghini(s) change, without fail, on the hour.)

    9. I'm telling you my own boarding house experience (Flaw: I had just told you those exact boarding house stories 10 minutes ago.)

    8. I can play the clarinet (Flaw: you don't know what a reed is.)

    7. I was once asked to play basketball professionally but I declined because I wanted to play soccer (Flaw: you can't play either.)

    6. My friend threw me out of the window and I was in a coma for three days. (Flaw: what you mean you weren't shot? Oh you were by an arab, and not your friend? But you weren't in a coma... oh you were in a coma? For three weeks you say! Keep your story straight.)

    5. I have top secret photographs of top secret helicopters. (Flaw: my RAF enthusiast friend just named them and told us the specs, when they were made and in which conflicts they were used.)

    4. I ran from A to point B (an hours car ride away) in twenty minutes. (Flaw: You can't run a hundred meters without breaking into a walk.)

    3. I crashed my dad's tank and the army replaced it the next day. (Flaw: I crashed my dad's tank and the army replaced it the next day.)

    2. When my house in Kuwaite was bombed I ran back in to save an autographed football. (Flaw: The last time your area was bombed you were about seven, and living elsewhere.)

    1. Here is the most disgusting sympathy grabbing action I have ever heard:

    J - ME
    S - LIES
    T - 3rd PARTY

    S: Ok, I've got two more weekends, the CMSR, a few weeks of dog handling and I'm getting deployed to Iraq!
    J: You keep talking about it. So why do you want to go to Iraq so bad?
    S: Huh?
    J: Why are you desperate to serve in Iraq?
    S: Well you see, it's very personal, and I haven't told anybody before... my bestfriend went out, I said I'd see him there, but he never came back. (Says he solemnly, fair enough)
    J: Hmmm, revenge...
    S: Yup.
    J: Do you think you could ever fight alongside Iraqi soldiers? (Preparing for my Soldier can't Pick his Enemies speech)
    S: Good question... no, I couldn't do it.
    T1: (Joining us) What's this about?
    S: I couldn't fight for Iraqis.
    T1: Why not?
    S: Because my bestfriend's brother went out to Iraq. He never came back.
    T1: (Doubtful) Hmmm.
    J: (LOLLOLOOLoololololololol!)

    I don't know... maybe I misheard, perhaps it was the Cola making him hyper again... perhaps a conversation a fortnight later will clear this up.

    S: Ok, once I pass this weekend, it's the CMSR, Dog handling trade traing and then Ireland!
    J: What happened to Iraq.
    S: Nah, I have to go to Ireland!
    J: Er... how come?
    S: Well my brother went to Northern Ireland... I said I'd meet him out there next year, but he never came back.
    J: (At this point I'm disgusted, then...)
    T2: What the fuck? No soldiers have died out there for years!
    S: It was a while back. Mate.
    T2: I was stationed out there last year. It was fucking boring.
    S: ...long, long time ago, mate.
    J: (At this point I was trying to hold in my laughter so badly I almost fell on my arse)


    Hey so got any stories of a bullshitter exposed? Any extremely pointless lies that have blown up in peoples faces? Anything so dumb you just nod your head and try to keep poker faced?

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. Kid Airbag

      Kid Airbag

      I don't think I've known anyone who's been such a blatant bullshitter since like first grade, when some kid told me he knew the guy who wrote Goosebumps.

      Like all the time people tell tall tales about their drinking/hooking up adventures, but they're never so outlandish it's obviously a lie.

    3. AndrewB

      AndrewB

      I know at least one person like that. Except he lies about totally worthless things (like our 10-year-old projection television is HDTV).

      It doesn't affect me if other people lie their whole life, though. At least I taught Eminem how to rap.

    4. SYS

      SYS

      Reminds me of a fellow I know. He always tells these ridiculous lies like "In Greece we shoot the Albainians that go into our backyard" It's funny, you ask him about a particular story and he'll tell it entirely different everytime you ask him.

  12. My first official army uniform has arrived! :/
    I have some kind of Combat Nightgown and Combat trenchcoat and some sort of camo-cover for a double-barreled rocket launcher. I unloaded the kit bag to try on my kit and grabbed what I thought was a waterproof jumpsuit, only to find that what I thought were the legs were actually sleeves. It was merely a four foot jacket. :O

    I'm not sure if this is a joke or a mix-up.... I'll ask the tall guys if they have recieved a set of combat waistcoats and shorts. :/

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. Negatronica

      Negatronica

      So... this SA-80.. will you be able to keep it with you in your barracks or will it have to be locked up in the armory all the time?

    3. Janderson

      Janderson

      Since I'm in TA it'll be in the armoury mostly. But she'll be with me in the barracks when I go training, or get called up to a hostile area...I think.

      Why'd you ask?...

      ...oh shit... are you the enemy? :O

    4. Negatronica

      Negatronica

      No.. I was in the military and we had to keep all our toys in the armory except for training, ect.. I was just wondering if this was a standard practice for everyone.

  13. It was the last day of the cinema screening of the DooM movie. It was a 30 minute walk there to find out that the last show was 7 hours away and then a thirty minute walk back, munching on a pack of Walkers Popadom Sensations. Tandori flavour. The crisps were nice, but the walk was boring. The bus ride home was boring. The wait for the movie was boring, peppered with hilarious segments of my nana's insanity. Remembering your comments on the movie I knew the mood could not get much better... but I had already bought the ticket.

    I eventually sat to watch the movie and was pleased to find the critics were wrong again!

    It started off well. Very well. The only bit where my cringometer went hay-wire was the first reference to genetics. But it turned out to save the day later. First of all the fact that the super human gene is synthetic changes everything. The fact that they state increased cell reproduction speeds (although it raises many other problems) saved the day as far as mutation speeds are concerned... not like Resident evil, where the bad guy bearly has enough time to be swallowed and the Licker goes all !super-morph!.

    The characters were funny and imo well played. The backstory is handled so briefly that it doesn't get in my way. Therefore it's OK. And who the hell cares if you don't know the reason for him being called Pinky? There are many reasons and ways you can earn a nickname, seriously. Also in one of the beginning scene's backgrounds there was a pretty woman @_@

    The enemies were awesome and the setting replicated Doom 3 very well. My favourite bit however was the FP bit. As soon as that bit came on there were cries in the cinema like 'No way!' or 'Whoo!' applauding with every kill and laughing at the stupid moments (e.g. stupid laughing zombies and the hellknight's "wtf? Floor mine?")

    This movie was missing Hell. This movie was missing bits of plot (...or leaving it open?) But this movie was not missing entertainment. It has beaten Res. Evil and all the Harry Potters at the very least.

    My secret? Just arrive cynical with intention to mock, rather than resigned still clutching at Hell. It's a shame it flopped, a sequel could so easily insert Hell into its story.

    On second thought I also love Freddy Got fingered and still want a sequel for that. and apparently that was a flop too :(

  14. Wow.

    I went with the TA to London the other night to do some 'waiting on' (or waitering) at an officer's mess. It was amazing. Everybody said that the officers were going to be 'complete and utter cunts' but they were great.

    We arrived by bus. I with two other volunteers; one who likes to talk (too much) and the other who says what he thinks (too loudly), both born leaders and not ones to follow their equals.

    I won't bore you with the setting of the cups and the openning of bottles. So we'll skip to the party. My orders were to wander around with a champagn bottle and top up everyone's drinks. The accents were amazing. Being what I am (a Right wing tool) I was drunk with the glamour and wished I was an officer just for the elocution. The officers themselves had style and were as civil as the devil, commenting frequently that I was a 'good man' or chap and some of the officers wives were stunners. I loved every second of it.

    Then the Avid Talker spilled white wine on himself, so like the gent I was I completed the job he was doing while he dried himself. I was posted to the front door with a selection of wines on my tray to welcome officers, with another guy, a friendly chap from another squad, who held a tray laden with champagne. The wine tray was huge so it took many glasses so it was damned heavy, I thought my arms would fall off and my spine collapse. Nobody wanted the wine, damn them. Some just took the champagne, others lifted the wine, thought better of it and took the champagne instead. One group of people actually waited for my companion to return when he repeatedly ran out of champagne not giving me another look.

    They were still polite though. I can remember my highlight of the night very well;
    ME: Good evening sir, madame. Wine sir?
    SIR: Good evening my man! (taking Red Wine) How the devil are you?
    ME: (Bewildered silence - open mouthed)
    SIR: ... are you well?
    ME: (long pause) Er, very, well ... sir.

    I probably said it admiringly, because he gave me an odd look. There is something about the phrase How the devil are you that caught me off guard. Probably the fact that I never believed people still talked Victorian or maybe it reminded me my of my favourite character, the coward Flashman. Looking back on that moment I curl up laughing, I probably looked lovestruck ... christ almighty.

    When I finally managed to rid myself of that cursed wine. I tried to give my job to the Avid Talker and the Mind Speaker. But they flat out refused, damn them. So I contented myself with a smaller tray. Less wine, less weight. If I'd have known what was about to happen I'd have told the Avid Talker to go fuck himself with his wine stained penis.

    I had just finished being refused again and wondered when I could attend to the guests inside, when the flat bottom of the tray popped up so it was converse. The circular bottoms of the wine glasses began to role about and with great concentration I steadied them. Then two of them, red and white, spilled on my white shirt. Bollocks. I jerked my wrists to stop their fall, spilling more white onto myself. Bugger. Then the rolling glasses knocked the rest of the red all over my shirt. Bastard. Finally the glasses rolled off my tray and smashed on the floor, creating an attention grabbing din. Fucking A.

    After pausing enough to bring the panic to its peak. I began jabbering 'WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?' And hastily cleaned the area. But now that I was stained I couldn't go back to serve. I had to remain in the kitchen and wash the dishes. I was mocked and blessed by the old biddies who were opening the bottles.

    As I mopped food off the dishes I don't know why but I began to feel ashamed, like I let the team down. I felt pissed off that I couldn't do what I came here to do. Then I felt anger against the Talker. I felt hate for him so bad I could have cried. I don't know why, it was all my fault, but if he'd been more competant or compliant he could have saved me from that horrid moment. In that kitchen with the cooks laughing and joking, doing what they love the anger and shame were unbearable. The Adjudant saying I was 'top' and various Captains giving me 'bravo' did surprisingly little to destroy this anger, but at least they calmed it down to a simple grudge to be repaid, reciepted and filed.

    After the party we got to hangout with the RSM and had a little night cap with remaining officers and helpers (I'll be damned if I wasn't drinking to put myself to sleep eternally). This was a fun bit. I had just finished asking career advice from a well mannered trooper when the Avid Talker decides to use one of my stories. I know he stole it because I told him it on the bus there. I probably would have exposed him for a liar but I decided to keep mum. Just as well because later the Mind Speaker began to talk about how much of a lying bastard Talker was to the officers. All that while he was within earshot. It was divine. The Talker just sat there and took it, he couldn't do a damned thing about it with all those officers around, he just sat and stewed like I did in the kitchen. After that he wouldn't let me be alone with Speaker, probably in case he told me he had stolen my stories. I had to go to the bathroom with him ffs.

    Not a bad night, I got a bottle of Champ out of it.

    1. Kristian Ronge

      Kristian Ronge

      By jove! Jolly good show, man!

  15. Someone, Pritch I think, once said the man with the gun always wins no matter what anecdotes you have (or words to that effect).

    Well now I got a gun and plenty of anecdotes to spare, whos laughing now!?

    Well I've nailed all the safety procedures, so I'll be visiting the ranges. I hear that if you waver from gun conduct you get the shit kicked out of you, hell, that was my dad's job a few years back. I've heard that the feeling of a loaded weapon in your hands is godly.

    For Americans and soldiers, what do you feel when holding a live gun? Some guy was like 'the only thing stopping me from killing my comrades was my common sense.' This guy is mellow and real friendly and supportive. Is it true that your mind is like 'Should I kill?' or is this guy just a psycho.

    Just gotta know so I'm prepared.

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Quast

      Quast

      Janderson said:

      Well now I got a gun and plenty of anecdotes to spare, whos laughing now!?

      For Americans and soldiers, what do you feel when holding a live gun? Some guy was like 'the only thing stopping me from killing my comrades was my common sense.' This guy is mellow and real friendly and supportive. Is it true that your mind is like 'Should I kill?' or is this guy just a psycho.

      What kind of gun do you have? As for what I feel when holding a gun...i feel nothing, or I'm not understanding the question. Your friend is wrong unless he feels that a gun has the ability to control your thoughts/actions and you have to struggle to defy its will.

    3. Ninja_of_DooM

      Ninja_of_DooM

      It'll be an Enfield SA-80. Bristish military standard issue. 5.56 NATO round.

      Well at least I learned something in my brief time in the forces. :p

    4. Janderson

      Janderson

      Yup Shit80, A2.

      I had an awesome time, I didn't feel anything with the loaded rifle. I probably would have if it wasn't for this thread... or maybe not, but thanks for your replies anyway.

      My rifle drills were pretty good, apparently. And I had a good understanding of the marksmanship principles, my only problems were my loose grip made recoil a nightmare and my tight grip shifted shots to the left, and my aiming eye got bored of looking at the target and vision blurred after a while, does anybody else get this? and how can I counter?

  16. Well I've been attested and now I'm being shipped off :(
    On a selection weekend - at Pirbright :'(

    I cannot keep up push-ups for a whole minute! If I do them fast I run out of energy and If I do'em slow I have to deal with my weight for longer. Sit-ups are a breeze but I believe I'm doing them wrong (back injury wrong), and the 1.5 mile run in under ten minutes?(well it's actually 3 miles, the first lap isn't timed) I'm not sure if it's possible, I've never timed myself.

    Waking up at 6:45 I can deal with, doing a fittnes test at 7:00 is just painful. Especially as last night I was trying to build some last muinte biceps and now my left arm aches and can't take any pressure at all, when I try to lean on it, it folds, like a fat indian called Gavin being kicked in the stomache by a swede. I think I'm in for a world of hurt now.

    At least I get to play on the assualt course :D

    wth happens in a psychometric test?

    1. Show previous comments  17 more
    2. Janderson

      Janderson

      I passed, barely.

      Don't worry Ninja_of_Doom, I have a good idea of what I'm in for since I was raised in a military setting. It's like a family business, apparently my parents and I were signed off just before the Berlin Wall came down. Expendable at birth :| what a scary thought. Also I'm planning on transferring to the regulars once I've got a good foot in, I don't want to get too commited just yet because I can't think of a trade I want to persue.

      Anyway I enjoyed that weekend. I took the advice you guys gave me, and paced myself while pushing to the max. I didn't get a super score for fitness, below average and above shite infact, but I damn well did the push and sit ups until I collapsed and even then I managed to push out a couple more. The run was the biggest bitch since they jogged us round the course once and then sent us out, making it a 3mile run. :( Using the alternate run/speed-walk technique I managed to squeeze bast 13 mins (12:58 - but I've never run three miles so there!) I then had a nice hearty vomit. It felt good - especially when followed by a nice warm breakfast.

      I loved the drilling, marching and assault course, the lessons were bearable and the instructors were hilarious. And now I ache.

      I'm looking forward to the next one in December and I'd suggest such a weekend to any/everybody else.

      Now I have to think of a better fitness program. Thank you all again for your advice (not you wacky, your post makes me sad inside :<).

    3. insertwackynamehere

      insertwackynamehere

      well keep in mind i'm 16 years old (was 15 when I did it). also running is just something I'm good at (along with fitness type stuff). Other kids are good at football/soccer/etc and I'm good at running (was first place, some people were getting 12:00s or so for 1 mile if that makes you feel better)

    4. Janderson

      Janderson

      insertwackynamehere said:

      well keep in mind i'm 16 years old (was 15 when I did it). also running is just something I'm good at (along with fitness type stuff). Other kids are good at football/soccer/etc and I'm good at running (was first place, some people were getting 12:00s or so for 1 mile if that makes you feel better)

      It will take more than a vacuum of apology to suck your jar of salt out of my gaping flesh wound :<

      :P

  17. Well some of you may have noticed that I have discovered IRC, but damned if I know how to use it. Once or twice a conversation has popped up but for the most part there is a kind of textless silence :(

    So, um, how do I get the most out of my IRC product? :S

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. rf`

      rf`

      I miss you guys.

    3. Janderson

      Janderson

      Thank you all!

      But one thing still baffles me, I can only get #zdoom, I've tired to get other channels but I just start creating my own, even officially listed ones like #irchelp don't register. I'm using Trillian, if that sheds light.

    4. Kenny McCormick

      Kenny McCormick

      Those "official lists" are generic listings. There are billions of IRC servers out there...imagine each one as a "website", and each channel as a "page" in that website. If you find "page" <x> on "website" <a>, you're not necessarily going to find "page" <x> on "website" <b>.

      So for future reference, use the /list command to see what channels there are for the server you're connected to.

  18. Army Man, Army Man,
    Does what ever an Army can.
    Iron like shit, steal your pies.
    Crush civilians just like flies.
    Small kids, watch out for Army Man!


    Yay, I'm joing the TA, just one small step in the opposite direction of the Job Centre Plus. I can either be a Biological Chemical Nuclear specialist type person or part of a tank crew either way my death will be quite interesting (assuming I die of my own stupidity).

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. Dittohead

      Dittohead

      Poster man, poster man
      Internet poster in blogland
      Makes a thread, anytime
      posts stupid shit and time flies by
      Look out, here comes the poster man

    3. Kelzam
    4. Csonicgo

      Csonicgo

      Young man, are you tired of the scouts,
      I said young man, do you want to get out?
      I said Young man, we will knock you about,
      it'll be OK, why worry

      Young man, you'll be one of the gang,
      I said young man, things will go with a bang,
      I said young man, you will soon get the hang of it,
      it will be OK, why worry

      Young man, you will soon get the knack,
      I said young man, you'll be copping your whack
      I said young man, we will bend over backwards to
      make you feel you're wanted.

      In the Brownies, everybody is your friend.
      In the Brownies, they're all waiting round the bend.
      In the Brownies, sticking with you to the end.
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies,

      In the Brownies, everybody goes to camp.
      In the Brownies, there is nothing like a tramp.
      In the Brownies, grab your mouth organ and
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies.

      Young man, stop bumming around.
      I said young man, keep your ear to the ground.
      I said young man, now's the time to go down,
      to your local branch and join us.

      Young man, stop looking behind.
      I said young man, you know you're going to find.
      I said young man, you're sure to go blind,
      if you don't eat up your carrotts.

      In the Brownies, you won't be tying many knots.
      In the Brownies, you'll enjoy a certain lot.
      In the Brownies, you can give it your best shot.
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies.

      In the Brownies, a canteen that never shuts.
      In the Brownies, never any ifs or buts.
      In the Brownies, ginger beer and fruit and nuts.
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies.

      They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit.
      They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit.

      In the Brownies, everybody is your friend.
      In the Brownies, they're all waiting round the bend.
      In the Brownies, sticking with you to the end.
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies,

      In the Brownies, everybody goes to camp.
      In the Brownies, there is nothing like a tramp.
      In the Brownies, grab your mouth organ and
      In the Brownies, in the Brownies.

  19. How frustrating... I was just sitting there, minding my own business, then my throat tightens up against my larynx and starts hurting like holy hell. I started trying to swallow because usually it clicks my oesophagus back to normal, but this made it hurt more, as did moving my head, speaking, and groanong in pain because I tried to groan in pain, which was met with pain. (pain in my whole throat and the left side of my lower jaw, like my teeth were trying to pull themselves out of my face.)

    After a quick google I found that the trick was to stay calm and that I had either random spasms, tonsilitis or throat cancer. So being the hypochondriac I am, I was calmed by this cheery eDiagnosis. But the worst of it was I was going to be driving this afternoon. Driving, the only thing in this hell-city I look forward to.

    I made up my mind to see the local GP immediately, so that I'd be back in time for my driving lesson at three. So I set about locking the house. My dogs saw I was in pain so they calmly wanderd into the garden, lovely. When I open my front door the driving instructer is there (Oh shit, the lessons at one!) He clearly thought I was just ditching him since I stuttered a lot and was trying to hold my teeth in instead of my throat. So he seemed pretty bummed. Nothing compared to me of course.

    So as I set of to the GP my overgrown fat-rat bastard dogs start making a scene at the gate, so for forms sake I have to talk them down. (ow) Then I was met with stares walking down the street trying to hold my head on and push my throat up with my mouth wide open groaning like the retarded. About four minutes later when I reached the GP my pain was gone and to add insult the GP was closed for lunch.

    I lost my reason for existing that week and I never found out whether I had cancer or not.

    It was an ok day, not great, not good, but ok.

    1. KwadDamyj

      KwadDamyj

      Eeeesh. :/

      Reminds me of the time I was bedridden with this horrid-ass virus and had a fluid buildup in my left knee.

      I was a sick, lame little gimp who could barely walk to the kitchen to grab tylenol.

  20. Yay, I'm nineteen! No prezzies for me, but I don't care I'm all about the money. Saving it actually. And no party for me because I don't know any body in my area. But that's ok because I hate Leicester!

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Scuba Steve

      Scuba Steve

      the thing is, Dan's image seems to be redundant in this case

    3. insertwackynamehere

      insertwackynamehere

      the thing is, Scuba's post seems to be redundant in this case

    4. Bucket

      Bucket

      Redundancy makes DoomWorld possible.

  21. Driving so much fun.

    My first lesson was cool. I mastered turning.

    My second lesson was better, I mastered turning again and was told that I did something, I can't remember what, that was hard to learn and had it down to an art. Something to do with stopping in the right location, meh.

    My third lesson is where it all went tits up. I absolutely failed at the three point turn and then came the roundabouts... they were fun but I had no clue how to deal with them... I should have paid more attention I guess and I was supposed to master meeting situations, but the roads we were on were dead.

    My fourth lesson was a shambles. I sorted out my clutch control and did a very slow three point turn, and I mastered reversing round corners. But then we revisited roundabouts. Well here is what ruined the rest of the lesson;

    I aproached the roundabout. I went into the right hand lane and hit the curb. I waited on the curb for a gap and stalled the car when I tried to pull out too early, releasing the clutch at super sonic rates while a huge bus sails by... Well it looked huge from such a tiny car. So I pull onto the roundabout finally. I'm moving so slow everybody is trying to drive around me. And as the instructor is swearing at the cars I clip the roundabout's curb - I'm not looking where I'm going, I'm watching the other cars with shame. Seeing the last hurdle coming I speed the hell out of the roundabout. WHEW! Then when the instructor asks me to park so he can bollock me I speed right into the curb and stall the car there.

    For the rest of the lesson I was pretty shaky, mainly because my instructor was pissed off that I could have broken his tire, so I fucked up for the rest of the day.

    My fifth lesson was cool, I mastered my fear of the roundabout and did some beauties, I shifted gears like butter on lubed grease, travelling at 60 like the king of men I am. But when I revisited reversing around corners I fucked up earned more wrath from my instructor, and fucked up all the way home.

    These are the only things I look forward to in my life right now... aside from waiting for an hour in the job centre every other tuesday so I can have a five second conversation with a dude in a dress.

    Any stories from the L-plate? how long did it take you to hit the open road?

    1. Show previous comments  22 more
    2. Ralphis

      Ralphis

      AirRaid said:

      Jesus fuck man calm down.

      Pretty much the only reason I'm driving 'Illegally' now is so that I don't have to spend hundreds of pounds that I don't have on lessons. I've never driven without someone else in the car, it's just that she doesn't quite meet the over 21 (20) and 3 years experience (2 and a half) criteria. On the whole, i don't think it's entirely that careless or irresponsible.

      Oh and the line about not doing much damage in a 106 was a JOKE for anyone who apparently missed that.


      OH YEA??

      WELL

      WELL FUCK YOU

    3. destx

      destx

      God I love you Ralphis.

    4. DooMAD

      DooMAD

      AirRaid said:

      Jesus fuck man calm down.

      If I had posted now that I had lost a friend or relative to someone driving illegally, you'd feel pretty bad right now, but fortunately that's not the case. I'm not having a go at you in particluar, as this applies to everyone on the road. Nor do I want to give the impression that I'm being a bit excessive, but I really don't think there's an excuse for this. It's quite possible that someone reading this has known someone killed by a person who wasn't supposed to be driving. I would imagine they'd be quite furious at this point.

      AirRaid said:

      Pretty much the only reason I'm driving 'Illegally' now is so that I don't have to spend hundreds of pounds that I don't have on lessons. I've never driven without someone else in the car, it's just that she doesn't quite meet the over 21 (20) and 3 years experience (2 and a half) criteria.

      Another important point to consider would be your insurance. Not quite as important as the safety bit, but still. I don't think there are many policies that cover people driving illegally. Even if you had an accident that wasn't your fault, say someone hit you, the cost will be coming from your own pocket. Saving money by not taking proper lessons could cost you much more in the long run.

      AirRaid said:

      On the whole, i don't think it's entirely that careless or irresponsible

      If you're doing anything while driving that:

      a) would cause you to fail a driving test,

      b) you wouldn't want your insurance company to know about,

      c) would cause the police to arrest you,

      then it stands to reason that you are doing something careless or irresponsible. Again, this isn't just you, it's for everyone on the road. It seems that most of them need a few reminders every now and then.

  22. Early September back in 2k5,
    What an awesome time to be alive,
    Lots of boozing - what a night.

    Went out last night with cousin and papa with Leicester's first team rugby players (Lions Tigers and Vipers, oh my). Rounds were bought; I had a few shots of absynthe (one of the nicest drinks ever) and plenty more beer. My dad introduced me to plenty of players and tried to hook me up with an ex-Miss England Finalist, (good luck dad) well my repulsive body and reclusive conversational skills soon scared her and her friend off, much to my cousin's disappointment, cuz he was toadying with the best of 'em.

    Since I failed to lose my virginity there and then my dad exiled me from the party, so I went willingly with cousin in tow to explore the fruits of Leicester. So we wandered the disgusting streets, pissing in alleys as we went, when we happened to a Subway sandwich place. He devoured the sarney in record time I stuffed mine in my pocket, where it fused with the paper to form some kind of horrid goo.

    After that I spent 4 hours glowering and wishing it would all end in a nightclub, where I was in the company of giant female monstrosities and ugly single men dancing alone. Oh well, at least I can honestly say I wasn't trying. Of course even if I was it wouldn't have worked because the smoke machines hid everything from view most of the time. Strangely I left believing that it was an interesting and worthwhile experience, go figure.

    We then walked for miles to find a Taxi point, a McDonald’s cola and my arranged evacuation point. Now that brought back memories; walking for miles in Lake District, pissed, not a clue where you’re going and with hardly any purpose because bastards gave you the wrong mountain top or wood, ah Good Times.

    All in all an 8/10 night out. It needed more mischief and perhaps a fight.

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Kid Airbag

      Kid Airbag

      Janderson said:

      Meh, I liked this night because it wasn't a perfect one, I'm not used to things going right when I drink and it inspired good memories. In this shit pot (Leicester) good memories are hard to find 'cause I hate it so. And that is why I blogged this one.


      Haha, I'm not taking anything away from your night. It just seemed curious to me that you'd chronicle getting drunk and wandering around town, which is something that I've done on numerous occasions and I'm not even legal in this country yet.

      Numbermind said:

      Leicester Square?
      When I went there, I saw a huge 2-level outside market. There were performers outside and it seemed like an interesting place to be.

      You could, I don't know, throw feces at the violinists and tackle the jugglers.


      I think he's talking about the town of Leicester.

      The place you're referring to is in London, and I'm pretty sure it's called Covent Gardens. It's an awesome place, though. It's the only place I remember really vividly from my first trip to London when I was five, and I remember it so fondly I've made it a priority to get there every time I've been back in London since then.

    3. Csonicgo

      Csonicgo

      when I drink mountain dew I feel bad when I drink all 6... you guys can down 24 beers?

      Damn.

    4. Danarchy

      Danarchy

      Hmm...24 beers might be able to get me as drunk as they tiem I had 2 whiskeys and a glass of Malibu. Man, I was so drunk I felt like I was dieing or something. Suprisingly, I had no hangover then. Anyway, beer gets me about as drunk as water.

  23. When I sent eddie a wrong photo on msn I decided to take advantage of the situation. Here is the most recent conversation;

    Eddie says: have you honestly met lindsay lohan?
    Janderson says: Yea, why?
    Eddie says: word.
    Janderson says: word?
    Eddie says: keep seein her on tinternet
    Eddie says: she's quite high celeb
    Janderson says: get out
    Eddie says: lol
    Eddie says: 'strue
    Eddie says: men home page, lindsay lohan
    Eddie says: yahoo home page, lindsay lohan
    Janderson says: I'll check it out,
    Janderson says: Ok, how about we try Google?
    Eddie says: go-on
    Janderson says: ... uh
    Eddie says: only 1.5 million search results
    Janderson says: shit?
    Janderson says: no way

    You see I had told him that the photo is of a girl I met on the internet, in a Hannibal Lector forum or something. I told him she had argued with me because she found my views on him questionable, we ended up talking on msn and found we actually had a lot in common, blah, blah, blah.

    Sadly he hadn't heard of Lohan until recently, so I decidedto make him believe we were in some kind of relationship, so that when face to face the beans were spilled we could have have a good old laugh. Unfortunately no matter how many hints I dropped, he wouldn't take the bait and thought she was mrs plain. Anyway I forgot how I wanted this little mess-about to end and it became less funny by the second.

    To announce that she was a celebrity and that I had been faking it looks VERY sad, which, I'll admit, I am. It went on for so long that my self image was replaced by Eddie's; I felt bad about telling him I'd been fooling and lying to him the whole time.

    So now the cat is firmly shut in the bag, or dead...Well, it isn't coming out. Not now that I've met up with her in Disneyland Paris, am taking it slow and visiting her in New York at Christmas!
    Anyway, now he's found out that she's famous this tomfoolery can only take me to new lows. I'm just trying to let it slip out of his memory.

    Yay! Done anything similar? that ended up in similar circumstances?

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Janderson

      Janderson

      Heh, is that good or bad? I never saw the Katarhyne stuff, got a link for history's sake?

    3. rf`

      rf`

      Janderson said:

      Heh, is that good or bad? I never saw the Katarhyne stuff, got a link for history's sake?

      SHE'S A MAN, BABY!

    4. Piezo

      Piezo

      There's a guy I know on MSN that always bugs me all of the time. When he logs on, he'll say "hey," whether he was actually going to start a conversation or not. I got kind of tired of it so one afternoon I entered the text "YIFF! YIFF! YIFF1 OH GOD! YIFF! *GASP* YIFF!" so when he got on and said "hey" I would hit enter and make him think I'm a furry to freak him out a little bit so that he'd stop bugging me. Unfortunately he didn't even know what it meant, much less what a furry was, so he totally ruined my joke. :'(

  24. Whew results come through today. I'll either be punishing the booze in celebration and gloating, or I'll be punishing myself and whining.

    May mercy be upon your souls.

    .............................

    Um wow, they were the most boring results I've ever seen... looks like I'll be doing neither.

    English - (as)D - (a)D - better than expected.
    Biology - (as)U - (a)E - lucky to have gotten that IMO.
    Relig - (as) C (a)D - less than I expected.

    Just what I needed as well.

    Hmm, could have gone worse... and I never pass up the chance to drink strong spirits in the morning... so there!

    1. Bucket

      Bucket

      Heh, it's like my high school days.

      Q1: D
      Q2: F
      Q3: F
      Q4: D

      WOO! I PASSED!

  25. Well I signed up for Tescos but I only made it to the waiting list. Not bad, I would find constructive ways to pass the time... like getting some info that the Job Center asked for.

    So I phone my last employers. Now these guys said they had taken me off the rota because the winter months were coming, despite the fact I was the only one getting this break, I thought; fair enough. I never worked there again, turns out I scared the shit out of my coworkers.

    Any how I phoned the guy (his name has been omitted);

    A: Hello.
    Me: Hi, who's speaking.
    A: Heh, that depends. Who's asking?
    Me: James. I used to work here.
    A: I'm busy.
    Me: I just want to ask /Hangs up.

    At first I was amused, but since time was not my side I had to call back later;

    A: Hello?
    Me: Howdy, anyway, I'd like to know the total days I -
    A: Who are you?
    Me: James, from before.
    A: Are you the one thy called ... Janderson?
    Me: Yup. (wtf?) Are you still busy?
    A: Yes -
    Me: Good, this won't take a minute. (I ask him my questions)
    A: (laughing) That was ages ago... It'll take me hours to find.
    Me: Use your Archives.
    A: I'll do it next week.
    Me: I need it by Thursday.
    A: Tough, I'm on holiday /hangs up.

    It would have been plausible if I hadn't been talking to him on his office phone, which is right beside the date-filed records.

    When my Mum heard of this, because she's on a mission to save me from the gutter, she called him herself. He told her someone else dealt with that information, but refused to give her the phone number of said person, told her he fired me for not arriving at work because of hang over, which is straight-up-bullshit, because:
    a) I never missed work, even when I did have that hang over.
    b) Insiders told me I was fired for terrifying my coworkers.
    c) He never fired me.
    d) He never told anybody else to fire me.

    Strike One.

    Later, my lil'sis gives me a message from Tescos saying to call them back. My spirits raised I tap the number into my phone. And the guy on the other side says it was a wrong number. So I dial it slowly making sure to hit the right numbers, what did I hear?

    'I told you before, this not Tescos, no! Whatcha...? (mixture of loud noises and fuzz as we break up) Bu.... ha....gut.........What?' /hangs up.

    Strike Two.

    So I went down to Tescos Recruitment Center, and asked the guy;

    Me: Hey I tried to call Tesco before, but there appears to be an angry man at the end of the line. Could you please correct this number?
    (I hand him a peice of paper with the wrong number on it.
    Guy: Would you like the Tescos building number, or the recruitment number, we don't know the building number.
    Me: Then I'll have the Recruitment Center's number.
    Guy: We don't know that number either.
    Me: .................................. Um, well does the number on the paper look familliar?
    Guy: (barely glances) I don't know.

    Strike Three. You may be disappointed and unsurprised to find that I did nothing, the strike count only means I am to disheartened to do anything but hate phones. I've never trusted them myself, mainly because I always get the wrong number and shouted at be pissed off old men.

    Anyway, from now on I'll Job Seek in person.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Amaster

      Amaster

      I was expecting a furry-related phone mod.

    3. NightmareZer0

      NightmareZer0

      Amaster said:

      I was expecting a furry-related phone mod.


      Haha! Me too!

    4. rf`

      rf`

      Amaster said:

      I was expecting a furry-related phone mod.

      For Jdoom AND Zdoom.. Such high expectations

×