Single Status Update
Long story short; I got chased out of a club it took me ages to find, by a little, middle-aged man who could not keep his beady eyes off me. I'd be charged by mili and civie laws, and lose my fast-track promotion if I had smote him. I had a kebab with chips and lettuce.
Short story long (warning! attempted humour);
I split from my group. Alone I hunted. I searched long and hard, but I finally found it. After interrogating Bournmouth bouncers for an hour and walking for miles to the edge of the suburbs I located a club which played rock! I was happy. The music was good and the bevies; cheap. But as I was buying said bevies I was to discover a terrible curse; a homosexual stalker.
He caught my eye at the bar, and nodded. A horrid little creature he was too, but I returned the nod, payed the barmaid and was about to move away when he stopped me with his creepy stare - into my soul.
He tapped his beer and nodded at me, holding it out as an offering. WTF? Thinks I, He wants me... to have his half finished bottle of Becks? Fuck?! Perhaps he is foreign?
'No thanks I've got a drink!' I cried and turned on my heel to check out the club. Killing in the Name Of was playing so I assembled on the dance floor, then Guns and Roses came on so I beat a hasty retreat, while observing the floor.
A sense of dread. I felt his gaze on me, burning me. I turned to catch the creature turning innocently away. Resuming my observation I turned to catch him thrice more!
My blood like ice, I knew what was happenening. I'd done the same thing in school, to girls I thought I'd loved. Y'know, when the attraction was so much that you couldn't help but look. I now knew how it felt, to have a horrid little creature gaping at you (he even had the glasses). This was God, trying to make me see the error of my teenage ways. But wait a fucking second. I'm not even hot, WTF was this guy thinking? Has he no taste?
I tried moving to a new location but he followed, stealthily using walls and people to get a peep at my dorkular build. I found with some amusement that his crippled confidence stopped him from entering the dance floor, like some kind of crazy forcefield. On the dancefloor I was safe, but Guns'n'Roses was still playing, what was I supposed to do?
So there I was... using my peripheral vision to monitor my little admirer, while pretending to watch people rock out to Paradise City, waiting for some decent rock to come on so I could flee to the dance floor and ignore him. For a gay admirer, I can handle, but this was fucked. Had he tried to spike me before? Was he even gay, or was he a miniature sociopath eyeing some 'easy prey?'
It wouldn't have been so bad if I couldn't see him, but he was standing bare inches from my side and blatently checking out my profile.
I decided my friends should like to know of my prediciment and maybe if he thought there was more of us coming he'd bugger off! I pulled out my phone and began to make like I was reading a text before writing my own in my lethargic manner (I text like old people fuck: slowly).
'Being stalked! WTF?' I texted, when I saw him half-leaning towards me. My eyes met his. He smiled apologetically. I retreated to a nearby pillar and leaned on it cool-dude style, tilting the phone and leaning over it to obscure his view. He disappeared from my side.
...And reappeared round the other side of the pillar, watching me intently. You fucking kidding me?! I thought.
Ignoring him I suddenly strode with conviction towards the entrance of the club, like I was gonna meet a friend, and leaned against wall like I was waiting for someone. Sending my half finished text I turn, to find him standing over my shoulder on tip-toes, checking out the message. I almost screamed 'Holy Shit dude!' into his little face, but I managed a wry smile and said; 'A little fucking creepy, man!'
He looked at me sadly, nodded and waddled off. Thank fuck for that.
I returned to my place by the pillar and resumed waiting for Guns 'n Roses to end... in vain, because their songs never fucking end.
I begin another text when I see a scarily familliar shape waddle past. Jesus. HMS Christ! I thought for a second he hadn't seen me, but he span 180, checked me out and scuttled to a less obvious vantage point.
The text ended, Fuck this bullshit, I'm outta here!
Taking huge steps I speed walked from the club with the momentum of a thousand elephants made of steel. At 100m I turn to see him standing in the doorway. I know it was him because he was the only one in there not dressed as a rocker, infact I think he was on my trail before I even found the rock club.
Bollocks, thinks I! Coming to a roundabout I split for the underground passage. Out on the otherside I looked back to see that he had not only halved the distance, he was strolling over the roundabout with extreme prejudice.
What the Fuck? I cried before fleeing back to town lightning fast, (Thank god for basic training) I must have run a mile or two at top speeds passing bewildered bouncers and party goers and refusing people trying to sell food to me as I sprinted past.
Eventually I stopped and ate a kebab with chips and lettuce,