Jenblaze

I am currently very sick, the modem on my computer broke (I'm using my neighbor's computer), and the last relationship I had lasted for 3 days. Plus, school has started, so I hardly have any time left for Doom!

Jenblaze said:

....when you have a bad day.. or weekend? or weeek?? well i have been having bad year!! every aspect of my life has been messed up.... work, family, friends, school, relationships.... life! with work im underpaid and over worked, family all they know how to do is nag complain and give advice with out helping anything, friends are only there when they need something, school heh... i cant even afford to go to school this year....relationships.. all guys AND girls suck... guys have a one track mind and girls are to petty and corny to talk to...

If anyone knows anything about depression, its me. I've had some very low periods in my life, most notably the past year. When I was about to graduate high school, I suddenly realised I hadn't done shit with my life, had no gaols and aspirations, and really should have actualy TRIED to get above the 2.0 GPA or whatever it was. Add to that the fact I lost almost all my freinds for various reasons, my dad mvoed to California, my mom lost her job, a friend contracted cancer, and everyone I knew had their lives falling apart, and I was fucking broken. I just wanted to die, and I tried slitting my wrists a few times, but luckily I didn't succeed (mostly because I'm too much of a pussy to cut deep enough).

Finaly one day I woke up on the floor after passing out from blood loss and I just kind of went numb in the head for a while. In the following couple of weeks, I realised that what I was doing to myself emotionaly and physically. I realised that I shouldn't make other people's unfixable problems my own and that the few friends I did have left were pretty good friends. Then one day my mom asked me if I wanted to do something in the fall and I told her I wanted to go to college. She asked me what kind of field I was interested in and I said music. I told her I'd love to be a recording engineer or sound technician, but my real goal was to be a digital musican. It was something I had wanted to do for at least a year or two prior but I had never told her because I figured she wouldn't take me seriously. But when I told her then she just smiled and said "thats good, I'm glad you have something to shoot for..." and she went into her whole story about how she wanted to be a chef but her dad always told her the only great chefs were male so she became a secratary instead. Anyway, this is going to sound real gay, but after that I went up to my room and cried out of happiness.

It's weird because ever since then, I've had a very positive outlook on everyhting. Hell, last weekend was the most fun time I've had in my life. I played some fun games, hung out with my closest friend, saw a movie that I had been meaning to see for a while, ate ice cream topped with DONUTS, and last but not least I got seriously stoned for the first time and it was fukcing fun. So besides a couple brief relapses including one earlier this week, I've been doing pretty good. I think what you have to do is find something you really love, then go for it no matter how unrealistic it is. As long as you THINK you're going to succeed, you'll have a positive attitude about it. :) Also, avoiding the internet is very helpful. I've actualy been slightly less happy after returning to my old IRC/DW round from a month-long absence. :P The outside is good...

And as for women, I kinda like them better as friends because I can actualy tell them my feelings without getting a blank response or worse. Also they are friendlier, easier on the eye, and more likely to give out hugs. :P Though they do have this tendancy to avoid me after a while because I think I might give out some 'hey I want to do you' vibes or something. All I really want to do is be their friend though. :( Also, all my male friends are GOD DAMN NERDS...I swear, all day its anime/video games/D&D and they just...don't...shut...the hell...up about it.

Heh yeah well thats my zwei pfennig for the evening.

well thats good to hear.. i was just really down because all of the things i had wanted to do (like plans for the future and school and stuff) were just getting totally messed up.... so like i said i am moving to florida... not because i am running away from my problems or thinking moving somewhere else is going to make everything better and all my problems dissapear BUT because i have been needing a change of scenery for the longest.

i have been talking about leaving CT since i was 16 (almost 3 years) because CT is just like a black hole (or almost)because once you get sucked in , you cant get back out... like 45% of people who live in CT (or at least in my city) live off or get help from the state one way or the other, be it housing welfare or something else. then there is another 40% of the people areound here who are filthy rich and dont care to pay shitloads of money out their ass for a house or rent because its pocket change to them. (fairfield county, the county i live in is the richest county in the richest state of the usa) then the other 15% (I fall in this category) have to bust their ass working just to pay rent their mortgage and all the other bills they have. on average... i have about an extra $40 in the bank each month that i can play around with.. and TRUST ME that doesnt get you too far when you are trying to go to school and get a car and do something for yourself. in florida the rent is than what it is here for the same quality of everything and yea granted the cost of living is less but i can deal with that.

*edit* i took some ranting stuff that didnt make sense here* hope you understand it better