Single Status Update
When i think of my past it becomes difficult. It is often hazy and unclear. often times because relatives lie to cover up the past or because they didn't know what was going on. Also an inceident 5 years ago took alot of recent memmories. However one thing in my mind does stand out. I know how i felt and i understood many things.
What has made me think about this is some community work i have been doing. I never thought of my self as a person that would like kids or that kids would even like. I tend not to deal with stress very well and often become deffensive. however how i react often depends on the person. I am more prone to become violent if the agitator is older, around 30's, and more so if it is a woman. Also a man who is older and bigger. oddly i am not distrustful towards women. considering those who hurt me the most were women.
three weeks ago I gave a 3rd grade class a presentation. Usally our groups are mixed crowds of children and adults. to add to the mix it was at a religious school. so i had to rewrite my work with both in mind. most of the originals deal with breeding and evolution. However the children were intelligent, but still asked questions i expected. Also the school was small. which made it easy to get in an out. and for once the animals behaved, mainly the skink.
The way the children reacted was a dark reminder of who i was. I am sure there are some there who share my pain. In those days there was only one thing i was trying to do, stay alive and get out. My family life hit the fan at that age. my mother left and my father brought in a new girl. At first we liked her and began to trust her. Until she became abusive. Unlike other children i didn't think i was the cause and i stood up. the abuse lasted for another 4 years. after the first 2 i came to a dark conclusion "the bitch must die!" it is possible i even considered suicide if i failed to kill her. certianly failing such a thing would be bad. The plan was simple. slit her throat in the night after she passed out from drinking. I knew killing was wrong, but i knew it was either her or me. I later, that year, stabbed her in a knife fight. she was drunk and dropped her knife. a mistake i made sure she would not forget. I stuck the short knife into her upper leg. She then punched me and hobbled away. I was 10 years old at the time, maybe 11. She later got a nasty infection from the wound.
what makes me think about such things is the letters from the children. There is no darkness. They are happy and the children sound like they were excited to see the animals. I am sure many of them have no idea how cruel the world can be. Oddly, and touching, is the fact they liked having me there. Mainly because a part of me is very distrustful and my view is that all people are going to act the same way toawrds me. I know reality is different and depends on the person, but it still surprises me how trusting people can be. in contrast my writings were cryptic and dark. I recently went over some of mine from that age. I often spoke of a monster who would brings a violent death to those who slept. Sometimes i was more direct and wrote about a dream were i had been shot. Teachers often dismissed this because i was from a different culture or because all boys dream about monsters and guns. These would usally be mixed in with standard childish things and my interest in electronics and machienes. I may not remember much but i do know i did have times of peace and happiness.
I have learned alot about my self in the last 4 years. I have learned that i missed out on many important life lessons and that i learned many that should never have to be learned. I also learned how close i was to continuing the cycle of my faimily. I also see why children should be taken more seriously.
I am a different person now. I don't fear for my life and i am more trusting. however i do bear the old wounds and lessons of those days. I have a stricter point of view towards drugs and abuse. I am very criticle of other family memmbers aswell and have all but broken off contact with my dad's side of the family.
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its not that i dwell in the past. i look forward to the future. however events remind me of the past and its lessons. lessons people seem to forget very quickly or they just fail to learn. It reminds me i can still become like "them" if i am not careful.
Oddly i am a very forgiving person and polite to people. that is unless you pose a threat.
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
There are so many mistakes and stupid things and general errors I do every day, and a lot of them come back to haunt me. I SO wish I could back in time and erase them or do things over. Unfortunately I can't, so I have to deal with all these mistakes, and frequently, live with them.
Not that it's all bad of course. Like DA, I look forward to the future, although at this point I'm not sure what's going to happen. I guess we'll wait and see.
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