Single Status Update
SHE: Excuse me sir. Excuse me sir. Excuse me sir.
ME: (whilst screaming "GODDAMNIT" repeatedly in my head) Why, hello again, miss! What can I help you with?
SHE: I'm looking for a Band-Aid.
ME: Of course. They're right here, next to the heating pads. (in front of your face.)
SHE: Well, I don't know what kind to buy.
SHE: See, I cut myself at work.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. Do you need something larger than normal?
SHE: Well, I cut myself on my hand (proceeds to unwrap a mess of tape and napkin to reveal an oozing gash)
ME: Ah, I see.
SHE: See? I cut myself here. (shoves oozing gash in my face)
ME: Yes. Yes indeed. Thank you.
SHE: I cut myself at work. I work at Pizza Hut. In the kitchen. I cut myself in the kitchen.
ME: (auditing my memory for recent visits to Pizza Hut) Well, you don't really need a big bandage, but you might want this one so you can protect against infection. Here you go.
And this is where the conversation would end for a normal person.
SHE: Is that cloth?
ME: Pardon me?
SHE: I don't want a cloth Band-Aid.
SHE: I want a different one. Whatever isn't cloth.
ME: These are...
SHE: Why is this box blue?
SHE: And this box is red?
ME: I don't understand the question.
SHE: The boxes are different colors.
ME: ... ... ... Yes, they are. They're, uh, different... kinds. Of bandages. (snickering coworkers in my peripheral vision)
SHE: So this is one kind? And this is another kind?
ME: Different kinds, yes.
SHE: This one is green.
ME: Yes, yet another kind of... bandage...
SHE: There's three different kinds. How do they come up with the colors?
SHE: Cause there's three different colors.
ME: There must be a system of colors... where they, uh, decide which box should have which color. (hoping for a nuclear explosion about now)
ME: (I think I broke her)
SHE: (Deeply contemplatve) So they decide, and there's a reason? Do you know how they decide? For the colors?
ME: Well. I suppose they colored this one green because there's aloe in it.
SHE: What's that? I don't think I want it.
ME: Aloe is... green. Er, it comes from... it's a plant. It has...
SHE: This doesn't make any sense.
ME: ...special healing... powers...
SHE: Is that like plastic?
ME: No. Aloe and plastic are not alike.
SHE: This bandage is for knees.
SHE: Is this one for knees? Because there's a knee on it.
ME: That's just a picture. You know, of the product... in action...?
SHE: So it's for knees. This one is for fingers, cause there's a finger on it.
ME: No. No, Miss-- they're just pictures. You can put the bandages anywhere.
SHE: But why do they have different pictures?
ME: I'm not privy to information on what the boxes should look like.
ME: (Oops, should've dumbed that down) Well, you know, maybe it's for variety. Maybe they didn't want the same picture on everything.
SHE: Well, I don't like it. They shouldn't do that. It's too confusing.
ME: You should write a letter.
SHE: This is a different brand.
ME: (OH ****, WE'RE CLOSING LATE)
SHE: The box is bigger. Plus, it's a different color. The whole box is yellow.
SHE: Is there...
ME: They're relatively the same thing.
SHE: But there might be more.
ME: In the box? Let's see... this one has 30... and this one... they all have 30.
SHE: How can you tell?
ME: It's written right here.
SHE: But the box is bigger.
ME: That's true. But they all say '30 bandages'.
SHE: So the box is emptier?
ME: Probably, yes. If the bandages are the same size...
At this point, I want to put my foot in my mouth for everything I say that makes the situation more complicated.
SHE: Why would they make the box bigger if there's the same stuff in it?
SHE: Why do these boxes all have swooshy things on them?
ME: That's the, uh, logo.
SHE: They look weird.
ME: It's a design concept. Uh, some guy just drew that.
SHE: Is there a swooshy thing inside, too?
ME: I doubt it.
SHE: This box is blue, and the swooshy thing is blue.
ME: (Attempting to get back on track) So why don't you want a cloth bandage?
SHE: I work at Pizza Hut, and I don't want it to get wet.
ME: Well, these are waterproof.
SHE: But they're still cloth. (proceeds to open the box)
ME: That may be-- please don't do that.
SHE: I want to see.
ME: They look the same as on the box. Yes, they're cloth, but they're waterproof anyway.
SHE: I want plastic.
ME: Miss, you have my word that these are the bandages that you want.
SHE: I want to take them back if they're not what I want.
ME: Of course. We have a return policy.
SHE: What's that?
BOOYA! In the home stretch.
ME: You can bring it back if it's not what you want.
ME: I'll take you up at the front register. Follow me...
SHE: OK. I'm going to bring this back if... hey, these are pencils.
SHE: Why do these pencils cost more than those?
ME: Hmm. Well, I really can't help you with that. It isn't my area. But I'm sure this guy right here (grabbing my coworker) will be able to answer all your questions.
COWORKER: Ah, yes. Can I help you? (I'm going to find where you live and kill you in your sleep)
And this is why you should never start out working in retail.