Single Status Update
I came to, sitting on an operating chair in some sort of emergency room. I was wearing pyjamas of some sort. I stood from the chair, and checked myself for damage. everything seemed to be in place, except there was some sort of microchip-like thing inserted into the back of my left hand. I picked away at it, and eventually the prongs slid out of my flesh. I dropped the thing on the counter and inspected the room.
Out the window, there was a vast wasteland as if there were some previous disaster. I distinctly remember assuming there was some nuclear attack. For some reason, I didn't think anything of it. I started rubbing my hand, as it was irritating me. I look down at my hand...
And large chunks of my flesh were coming off of it. The skin was cracking like stale clay, and my muscles starting hanging loosely from my bone. Frightening, but even more so was the fact that I couldn't feel any pain. I panicked, and ran out of the operating room.
Down the hallway, I stopped at a desk, where a large black woman in a nurse's outfit gave me a strange look.
"I need medical attention immediately!"
"Sir, what are you doing out of your room?"
"Look at this!! You need to do something, now!"
"Oh, my god. You removed your chip!"
I surmised somehow, as the nurses were carting me back to the operating room, that the microchip was disabling some sort of flesh-eating virus. As I came to that conclusion, I was being strapped into my chair. The nurses (one of whom, inexplicably, was Cameron Diaz) piled into the room to brace me and prepare to operate. The big black woman was brandishing a meat cleaver.
"What's that for?"
"The contagion is growing too fast. I'm sorry, your hand has to go immediately if you expect to live."
"Uh. Wait a minute! Aren't you going to put me under first??"
"Oh honey, we don't have any time for that. We're going to have to go with something quicker..."
It's at this point I see the Cameron Diaz nurse pulling a large frying pan out of a drawer.
"What the hell?!? You guys can't be serious!!"
Everyone stops for a moment, and laughs.
"Oh honey, come on. You didn't think we were actually going to do all this?"
"Um, I guess not." Whew.
..Then I woke up.
It means that while your world is falling apart your body will be affected and hot celebrities and black people will betray you. And you are paying way to much for whatever technology and medical attention you have recently recieved.
Advice; Kill all Hollywood actresses, doctors, black people, and anyone with IT qualifications, and anybody who gets in your way!
- Show next comments 3 more