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You know how sometimes you're drinking something, it goes down the wrong tube and you end up hacking it up? That happened to me in the shower this morning while gargling with mouthwash.
I was coughing it up and discovered I couldn't breathe in. Maybe some mouthwash foam was blocking the air passage, I don't know. But I panicked and stumbled out of the shower, spitting up saliva and a tiny bit of blood. I bent over on the floor so the liquid could drip out and managed to get a little air. For what seemed like an eternity I was getting labored breaths, like sucking on a McDonald's milkshake. I was on the verge of passing out. Eventually my breathing returned to normal. I had a good belch and vomited a little for good measure.
That REALLY sucked. My throat hurts and my chest is tight. I don't ever want to go through that again. On the plus side, my lungs are minty fresh.
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One time. back when I was in highschool, I went to this camp and I was spending the day with this girl and I was trying to impress her. I'm not a very good swimmer at all (can't swim really at all, or rather, I can't float in place).
Anyway, out in the middle of this lake was this dock and a rope swing into like 15 foot deep water. She said "Hey let's go jump off the rope"! Knowing that I can't swim at all I said "Let's do it"!
So I swim out like 400 feet to this dock and barely make it and I'm pretty much dying here. I feel like I just ran three miles in ten minutes and I'm trying to catch my breath. Now, she doesn't let this happen because she says "You go first". Knowing I should wait, I stand up and grab on this rope and make the most half-assed tired swing ever into the water and just flop around and I start to swim back 400 feet in the other direction.
I guess I get about half way when I get fatigued and I just can't swim anymore. I'm kind of flailing in the water and I turn around and I see her there. I started to whisper "I'M DROWNING" as to not alert any of the other hundred people that I was there with that I can't swim and, more embarrasingly, I seem to be drowning. At first, I could see her face and she thought I was joking and then she realized I wasn't.
So this buff oiled up lifeguard jumps into the water and starts to swim me to shore and I regain my composure and I just say "Ok, I'm good. You can let me off here." once I get about 50 feet from the shore and then I walk it off like nothing happened and nobody found out.
I gotta say, I was worried there for a minute. At first this story looked like it wasn't going to involve penises at all. But then we got to the part about the big buff lifeguard, and then I thought "OK then."
Seriously tho, two things.
1) Glad you made it out. Drowning is overrated IMO.
2) So did you end up impressing this girl? You gotta finish this story if you are going to start it.