Csonicgo

I was laughing about this game with a friend yesterday because I had beaten it (didn't tell him that) and to be "cool" I told him I never bought it, but I feel so bad after beating it that I tried to convince myself I never played 5 minutes of this excuse for a game. Lying to yourself ain't easy.

So I finally beat this game after throwing the controller in rage trying to control a fucking boat on lava to the "boss battle". somehow, this crystal Mario dude has flooded the town square or something and I have to chase him into his little lair which is conveniently located on the island. in this little platform course is a little boat.

mario has to "row" the boat with the water pump. This wouldn't be so bad if it followed the laws of physics, but this is some super duper magic boat that thinks such laws do not apply to him. After spinning in the water like a fat kid in the pool, I finally make it to the dumbest set of platforms designed to make you tear your hair out. I really enjoy not knowing where the platforms are going to be due to the camera not showing me, and when I do see them, I have no time to grab any. Boy was that fun!!!1

After all that work in the game and all the frustration collecting stupid coins and shit to get some shiny things I am treated to the worst thing I've ever seen in a mario game. Yes, I'm including those CD-i games, This was total bullshit, and also disturbing.

You are treated to a video of Bowser and his son Junior in some sort of.. hot tub. I'm serious. And guess who else is there? Princess You-know-who. Junior apparently was told that Peach was his "mama" and that Mario has kidnapped her. mmkay.

Then I hear this:

Bowser: Bwa ha ha! The water's great! Eh, Junior?
Jr.: Sure is, papa! Come on in, Mama!
Princess: Uhhhh, I think not.

Anyway, after seeing this hideous little video (complete with voices, yes, they gave Bowser a voice, and it's apparently in the Japanese version as well) Mario shows up to kick ass as usual. to win the game you must run out to the corners of the tub and ground pound them. That's it. you don't even touch Bowser, you just destroy his jacuzzi. No, I'm not making this shit up.

After you destroy Bowser's Bachelor Pad in the volcano (???), the volcano erupts (or does it fall? I don't really know at this point), taking you and the rest of the crew with it. You land headfirst into the sand, while the little water pump crashes on the shore. mario watches the waterpump device die due to the damage it took and mario CRIES. yes. that's right. he cries over a super soaker. Then again, with the dipshits in the Mushroom Kingdom, that's probably the only real friend he had.

then the place is shiny and happy again blah blah blah.

I think it's over. I was hoping it was over, but nope, one more scene, with Bowser and Bowser Jr. maroon'd on a small island just outside the main one, and the following was said:

Bowser: Junior, I have, something... Difficult... to tell you.. About Princess Peach..
Junior: Yeah, I know, She's not really my mama...
Bowser: ...

Ouch.

Then there's some happy yaay you beat the game kind of cinematics, complete with the FLUDD water pump brought back to life if you collected all the shiny things.


Anyway, Here's to hoping Super Mario Galaxy's ending isn't as stupid. If it is feel free to tell me, so I may stop playing and save myself.