Single Status Update
Don't want to insult anyone who is younger than I am and who maybe has bigger problems than I do, but certain things are expected out of a 29-and-a-half year old that aren't expected out of someone 10 years or more younger than me. I don't make the rules. Go and take it up with society and it's complicated social conventions and whoever wrote the unwritten laws of being an adult.
I went to the shop the other night and a really pretty women was standing around near the counter looking like she was ready to go and pay for her stuff but still undecided whether there was anything else she needed. In her 20's, slim, around 5'6", shoulder length dark hair, gorgeous facial features. Pretty perfect on the surface. As I only wanted some beers and a new lighter from behind the counter I asked her if she was waiting to pay, then she looked at me and we exchanged eye contact for a second before she replied "No" nervously and shyly looked at the floor. If I was a charming motherfucker I would have then said something witty and/or friendly to break the ice, in order to get into some small talk, in order to figure out whether she was actually interested or not. But instead I just asked the guy behind the counter for my beers and lighter, paid for my stuff and walked out.
I know a shop isn't a place typically associated with meeting people, and she might not have even been open and communicative even if I was Brad Pitt himself. And I wouldn't have even minded if I had talked to her, asked her if she wanted to go and get a drink sometime but had turned me down. After a lifetime of being single and last locking lips with a girl 10 years ago, I'm used to being alone. Sort of. But what really, really bothers me is my social retardedness and inability to create conversation. Not just with a hot chick but with any human being, except people who I've known for many years and who I'm super comfortable with. I'm that guy who, if you asked to the party, would just sit in the corner silently sipping on his glass of whatever and trying to look like he's enjoying himself but instead looking awkward and uncomfortable and possibly spoiling the mood.
Social phobia (medically diagnosed, not just an excuse I made up for myself) means I don't get a lot of practice. After forcing myself to go out and have fun for years but failing to conquer my social ineptitude I eventually gave up. Quit my job, went on benefits and became a shutin, virtually. Occasionally venturing out of the house to get groceries and a few cans of beer every once in a while. I have my better days where I'm feeling fairly confident about myself but I'm generally pretty miserable. A friend insists I go back to therapy and get a grip on everything once and for all, but talking to a total stranger about intimate stuff isn't easy when just getting there is what constitutes much of my problems in the first place. Maybe that's supposed to be therapeutic, but it doesn't work.
I'm not jealous of other people's lives but there's so much I could have done and be doing with my own life. Many of my old school buddies are in good jobs and are married with kids, and I'm just sitting here in a state of depression posting on the internet about how much life sucks.
Oh well, that's enough opening up for one day. Posting this shit was cathartic, even if no one reads or cares.
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Well, I guess my best suggestion is to have a little more faith in yourself. Ultimately there's a reason why you do the things you wanna do. It doesn't make you weird.
I don't think my fiance is a really rare breed. I'm pretty sure if we had been in high school together, I wouldn't even have associated myself with her. She was tough, loud, obnoxious at times. She went to a lot of parties and had tons of friends and apparently was a very very mean person to some people. Probably wouldn't have gotten along with her very well at all. I think we just happened to meet at the right place at the right time.
Since talking to her so much about my interest in doom and making levels for it, I've been more comfortable telling other people about it, and it's been surprisingly pretty well-recieved by most people. Years ago I would have imagined everyone thinking "What a fucking nerd!" but the real truth is there are few people who wouldn't care about something you are interested in if you are proud enough to talk about it.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were with two other people talking about a subject you didn't know anything about, but you resisted the urge to ask questions because you didn't want to appear oblivious, stupid, or uneducated? Sometimes just nodding in agreement but not really contributing to the discussion? Whenever you think you're sharing an awkward experience with someone, imagine that the other person is currently feeling that way. Don't let them feel that way because that feeling sucks. Clue them in with whatever you've been doing, and break it down in such a way that they will be able to grasp what ever it is you'd like to talk about in a way so that they can feel involved.
Actually, it almost sounds like self-pity, but I can't tell what your tone really is, from text
Then why are you conjecturing?
But to clear it up, my mood is juxtaposed self-pity and forward-thinking positivity. Yes, there are aspects of myself and my life that
I'm unhappy withI hate and can't do anything to fix immediately. Some of which I'll probably never fix. But I've recently got back into lifting weights and exercising which has had an enormously positive effect in other ways, even if it doesn't solve everything. So yeah, the good and bad balance out I guess.