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About TwinBeast

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  1. Everything I've ever done, everything I ever do... it's a shit.

    I don't know what to do anymore. When I was younger, I got interested in making games, so I taught myself everything related to it. Everyone around me thought I was wasting my time. I guess it made me doubt if I'm doing the right thing.

    Then some years later I finally got to a school about making games and through it I got into a job at a game company. But the damage was done, I was only half-interested, I just forced myself through the school, and worked part time, could have gone there full time when the school ended. I just wasn't feeling like it anymore.

    I thought people around me would take my game making interests more seriously when I was at the school & job. But no.. I still got the negative attitude from them.

    Now it's been some 4 years at least, and I have not accomplished anything. Every couple weeks I get so depressed/bored for a week or two that I can't do anything, or nothing interests me, sometimes so much that I don't even care to play games. Also I no longer have any friends, as they slowly turned into alcoholic/drug addicts.

    Well, there's one thing I like to do, even if I'm totally depressed/bored.. tough physical exercise, and punching walls.. eh..heh..

    Outside no one ever comes to talk to me, unless they're some old people saying things like:"Good evening" or "Oh, my, you have a nice brisk walk"... yea whatever.. or people who want to tell me about their religion, or people who want money/food or are just apologizing for interrupting me.. well, then don't interrupt me! I don't care for stupidity.

    Outside I never go talk to anyone, because if they weren't interested in me when I was doing something.. why would they be interested in me when I'm not doing anything?

    About all my skills are related to game making, so the logical choice would be to make games. I tried think that my current project would be something I would sell when it's complete, maybe that would have motivated me more, but it didn't.

    My other skills are making music, dancing and martial arts, and none of them are useful in any kind of job. I don't make good music. Maybe I dance pretty good, but it's doubtful that anyone would want to pay to see it, and my martial arts skills are probably equally unuseful in getting any kind of job. So, to conclude: I have no useful skills.

    It seems I have become what Chandler Bing was afraid of in that one episode of Friends... Crazy Man With A Snake! Am I going to die alone, should I get more snakes, should I call them my babies?

    Well, whatever, I've thought that I should improve my life before I'm 30, so I have some 2-3 years to improve. I just don't know how...

    1. Show previous comments  20 more
    2. DoomUK


      Jimi said:

      This doesn't mean I'd want people just blindly praise everything I do.

      But you wish you had been told you were doing something right, when you weren't. The whole idea of learning new things is... learning new things. If our mistakes aren't corrected we don't learn anything. I can appreciate how a complete absence of encouragement can be counter-motivational, but you need to be prepared for criticism, or even look forward to it.

      Perhaps kendo just wasn't your thing, or I'm not in full possession of the facts and you happened to be going to a bad dojo with bad teachers. But based on what I'm reading your low self-esteem is making you give up on everything.

    3. printz


      I'm not going to pretend I understand either depression or how life must be in the second half of the 20s, but I'm throwing my 2 cents: keep yourself occupied with something and reap your rewards. I know that success (of any nature) makes me happy.

    4. TwinBeast


      I mean more like saying something good with the bad. So that it doesn't feel like the entire thing was bad. The actual teachers/senseis there were good.. just that everyone with higher rank than me wanted to help. But not everyone should be a teacher. That kind of system just didn't work for me. Otherwise I liked it, which is why I still do it on my own.