Single Status Update
I was standing outside one of the lecture halls on campus where I work, having a cigarette, as I tend to do when taking a break at work, when a thirty-something woman in hipster glasses approaches me. She looks like she’s going to say something, like a normal person would, but instead she decides that it’s better to scratch my hand with her bright red fake plastic fingernails, take my cigarette, and throw it away. I look at her as if she’s insane, which only angers her further. In an authoritative voice tempered with an illusion of moral superiority that can only be achieved with years of practice in front of her cats, she said “I’m fucking sick of seeing college kids fucking smoking!” She walks off, and I tell her to blow me. As she’s walking into the building, she says “lose a couple of pounds!” I can only assume she was looking out for my health the entire time and that I should thank her. That, or she will give me a blow job if I lose weight.