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AndrewB

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  1. I have no idea whether I've talked about this before or not, but I've been dating a girl whom I met at work nearly 3 years ago.

    We've had some bumpy patches, no different than almost all relationships, but for the most part the relationship is highly functional. There is a fair amount of overlap between our interests. Maybe not so much in terms of life goals. She wants a family, or at least to live with me. I want good times.

    On several occasions she brought up the topic of moving in together (she's been living in her sister's house for 4 years, halfway across the city). I said that would only happen if we signed a legal document first, which she said she would never do. I also said that she would have to pay 1/3 of the expenses, which she wasn't happy about. After a while of explaining my reasoning, she seemed to agree that it was fair. (She currently chips in a couple hundred a month to her sister, that's about it, so it's not surprising that she has a hard time facing reality.)

    I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with the idea of moving in, though. If she turned into some kind of monster, I'm not sure how easy it would be for me to kick her out. So I decided to offer a "small" commitment to see what effect it had on our relationship. I brought up the idea that the 2 of us should take a weekend trip to Toronto, catch 3 baseball games, hit the nightclubs, maybe edgewalk the CN tower, all my treat. She seemed pretty excited about it, but wanted some time to think. After a week, I asked her if she was still up for it. She said yes.

    A few days later, I booked the flights. Then found a decent hotel with a great location and booked that. I let her know that everything was going ahead. Probably a few days later, she asked me "can you cancel the reservation"? Surprised by this, I said not really. The flights can be postponed, but not refunded. "But what if we have an argument?" I basically said there's no point in being negative about it, and you have to be willing to take some chances in life.

    In the past few months, we've had a lot of fun. I've taken her on two snowboarding trips, and most weekends she's here where the two of us play Diablo II and Ticket to Ride.

    But things this weekend were simply too much for me to handle.

    I invited her over Thursday night to play Diablo II. She insisted that I take the bus to her house to come get her that night. This is a recent habit of hers which is somewhat annoying to me. It's not a safety issue or anything. She just feels it's more "fair" if I come get her since I don't have a car. It's a 45 minute bus ride for her, but it's a nearly two-hour bus ride round-trip for me. That's a huge chunk of my evening, and precludes me from doing other things such as cooking/exercise/laundry. She asks me where my grocery bags are. (???!). I said I didn't bring them, why? She said "Oh, I thought you needed groceries tonight." I needed a couple of things, but nothing that couldn't wait til the weekend. "Oh, I thought you were getting groceries, that's why I asked you to come! You didn't need to come get me if you weren't getting groceries!" Sidenote: She definitely did not give any indication that she was willing to come over if I didn't escort her.

    More than a little annoyed at this point. I stew for a while, but by the time we get back to my place, I've pretty much let it go.

    So we play Diablo II for an hour, maybe two. I get to the point where I can barely stay awake, so I lay down for a few minutes. She protests. "Let's beat Andariel, then we can go to bed." I summon the energy and we finish the act.

    Friday, we play off and on. I want to switch up the activities and watch a little TV, but she wants to continue playing Diablo II. She's becoming more and more assertive with her demands. At this point, I'm caving maybe half the time, and doing what I want the other half.

    We spend maybe another hour or 2 that afternoon on Diablo II. I said I'm getting tired of being inside all day, and maybe we should go out. She thinks about it and decides it's a good idea. So we take the bus to The Keg, where we enjoy a meal that we both find excellent - steak, iceberg salad, calamari, and cider. We're both having a great time.

    We get back and play another 2 hours, and I'm once again worn out for the day. I say I'm just not up for it anymore tonight. She protests, and after losing the argument, she curls up on the couch and goes to sleep.

    She stays there the whole night.

    Saturday afternoon, after maybe another hour of playing, I say I'd like a 5 minute nap. Severe whining and complaining ensues. I say "Why can't you just give me 5 minutes?" She responds that we've hardly been playing, this is the whole reason she came here, and I've had plenty of rests already. I'm really getting annoyed at this point, so I ignore her. Literally 5 minutes later, maybe not even that, she says "Let's play!" I still haven't shaken off the drowsiness.

    I decided I've had enough. I said I don't want to play with her if she's going to give me such a hard time about it. She enters insta-pout mode, plugging in her headphones loading up Netflix on her laptop. She spends the next 3 hours watching some TV show.

    Around 5pm, she finishes her season of whatever on Netflix and accounces that she's hungry. Leftovers? No, she wants KFC. Knowing they charge ridiculous delivery fees and give crap value for the money even without delivery, I offer to take the bus to the grocery store a grab some chicken and salad, a 1-hour trip. I get back. We eat.

    Then she says that we haven't been playing enough. This is pretty much when TSHTF. I tell her that she's acting like a princess and I'm tired of her entitled attitude. She says something along the lines of "you don't care about me anyway". I mentally freak out, but manage to keep my composure. I explain all the ways I've shown her how I care for her recently. She says she doesn't like the fact that I'm "keeping count". And that what I've done is nothing special, and that where she comes from, men are expected to take care of women in that fashion.

    At this point I basically start destroying her arguments and pointing out every little bit of hypocrisy in what she's saying. She evades every one of these by changing the subject as much as possible. She mentions how bad I made her feel one time when I said her perfume was too strong and I didn't like it. I explain that it's no different than the time she complained about me wearing a sweaty shirt after coming back from the gym. I said there's a reason why they ask people not to wear strong perfumes in public places. She says the two are completely different, that sweat is offensive and perfume is not.

    I point out all the commitments I've made and things I've done for her recently, including having a personalized jersey made for her to wear on our trip. She say "What, are you saying you want me to buy things for you too? You want me to take you on vacations?" I tell her that's not what I want at all. What I would like is for her to be considerate enough to let me rest when I feel tired. I tell her that I do 20 times for her what she does for me, and she's still unwilling to let me have a few breaks now and then.

    The argument degrades to the point where I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, then a 5 year old, and then finally a 3 year old. I reach my limit and finally leave the room. She marches after me and insists that we talk. I say that I don't know what there is to talk about.

    She stands there for a few seconds, and then announces that she's not going on any trip with me. This is a trip where I've basically committed $3000, pretty much all non-refundable. I mentally say fuck it, and go to bed.

    Sunday morning I'm still pissed off to the point of utter silence. The dishes have been piling up for days, and I point this out. It's kind of an unmentioned understanding that she takes care of the dishes when she's eating my food and sleeping in my bed. She says that it hurts for her to stand because she has a stomach pain. I just shake my head. She finally storms off to do the dishes, and halfway through she sits down and starts sobbing. What I see is so beyond pathetic that I have absolutely nothing to say.

    After she's done, at 11am, she asks me if I want to talk. (I need to leave at 11:30 for a practice.) Again, I say I don't know what there is to talk about. She again states assertively that she's done and she's not going on any trip. I leave at 11:30. She leaves probably at 12.

    No contact since.

    I guess I should be thankful that I made a relatively "small" commitment. Now I know how she treats someone when she's given any upper hand whatsoever.

    And likely enough, she will come back apologizing in a few days. She'll probably go on the trip with me, which is a very important event for me by the way. It will be the first time I've ever been at a baseball game, and the seats I got us are quite amazing.

    Still, the very fact that she would threaten to ruin this trip for me is pretty much a deal-breaker. I can't see us going anywhere other than our separate ways once we return, assuming she really is a decent enough person to come along.

    1. Show previous comments  45 more
    2. printz

      printz

      Is it written in the American constitution that one of your obligations is to serve jury if summoned?

    3. exp(x)

      exp(x)

      printz said:

      Is it written in the American constitution that one of your obligations is to serve jury if summoned?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jury_Selection_and_Service_Act

    4. Grazza

      Grazza

      From my jury summons:

      Failure to return this summons or appear for Jury Duty may result in an Order to Show Cause Warrant/Misdemeanor charges

      http://www.mncourts.gov/?page=1341#WhyMustIServe

      Generally speaking, US citizens who are resident in the US can only get jury duty postponed.

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