Kelzam

Right now, I'm at a crossroads in life. After everything thats happened in the last year, I feel numb and empty. I believe this happened when I had to come back here. I can't blame any one person or thing for this, as its the result of a cumulation of many things fading away and me not knowing who I am anymore. And there is the question:

Who am I?

That question asks a lot of things, and a lot of things I used to think were part of who I am are no longer there, as interests, relationships (love, friends, and otherwise), and more fluctuate. Right now, my entire life and the plans I had laid down for it are in upheaval. This last almost half-a-year now, I have struggled within myself as things I thought had not changed had infact either changed or died and went away. Interests, hobbies, things that has been part of me for as long as I could tell feel as though they have faded away.

<snip> cut the lyrics out to make less scrolling and more to the point.

I used to enjoy playing Magic. Talking with other friends here, we've all agreed that Lance's unspoken mantra of always trying to win has done nothing but create a schism in the middle of the Magic playing community we had here. Me, Devin, and Chris all don't mind playing Magic and hanging out; You know, having fun with it? Lance takes it unimaginably seriously to the point where if we can help it or theres more than two of us we do multiplayer matches just to have fun because everyone knows with Lance's obsession with winning that we aren't going to stand a chance because we don't go to the measures he does to accomplish putting together some deck that slaughters everyone in Nevada. I hate to lay this thing on Lance, but lets be perfectly honest: The times that he's not around or me and the other guys have 1 on 1 or multiplayer matches, we have a lot more fun than trying to play against him. Everyone else who plays Magic who once lived here or still do know how this is. If you're just going lose every match against someone because you don't have the time or resources to put into a damn game, a hobby even, then its no fun and people won't want to bother trying anymore. At this point the only reason anyone here besides Lance plays Magic is because it gives us something to do when we hang out. Other than that, Magic is, at least in Nevada, pretty much dead.

The other two negative impacting factors in my decline in Magic interest is time and money. Maybe, however, that isn't as bad as I think it is. I went to Chicago thinking me and Kevin would play a lot and go to FNM's. We met Carl via MTGSalvation, just as we had met eachother, and I thought my Magic playing experience would become more varied. It turns out that it takes 45 minutes to get to the Magic place via public transportation. The other problem was money as I sat there using $50 a week to pay for food for both me AND Kevin. If I were paying for myself, I would have had some extra to spare and use on Magic occasionally. So, in summary, the reason my interests in Magic have died are the following: Time, money, Lance.

I used to enjoy playing video games. Video games for consoles are expensive as hell. I have a 360, XBox, PS2, GBA, and PSP; I have no more than 2 or 3 games for each, except for the XBox, which I believe I have about 5 games for. The gaming industry is starting to become really stale with the same ideas revisited over and over again; Rarely do I find a game that catches my interest enough that I'd even bother downloading it were it available for download. Lately I've found myself revisiting the SNES days and such, playing Yoshi's Island and Pokemon Emerald. Those games are damn fun. Video games now try so hard to look good that gameplay never lives up to the old days. I still love to play video games, but as times goes on I find myself saying "I love to play old video games" instead. This presents a problem. My major right now is Game Art & Design. Everyone always thinks it sounds cool to design your own video games and things on that order. My problem: I don't like almost any of the video games since the PS2, and I'm trying to go into a career where I don't know what I'll be designing and where I'm not even that informed about anymore by choice. Isn't this a mistake? What do I do now? So in summary: I enjoy playing older video games, the newer video games never catch my interest, and because of this I feel that my career choice may be a mistake.

The above paragraph alone destroys what I've been trying to set up for the last year and a half now. So now while I don't even know what my interests are anymore, I'm also stuck figuring out what I'm doing with my future. Lately I feel like shit and am tired constantly. I have wracked my mind with these problems since I got back on top of ending my first real relationship. These aren't even all the issues, these are just the issues I'm willing to openly discuss or talk about. Right now my life is a rather large mess and I find myself emotionally hurt and worn down due to too many things bombarding me at once. I've gotten rid of one problem, which was my relationship that dragged me down and I felt like a slave to, and now I have to figure out who and what I am. Where am I going? What do I still find fun or interesting? What can I do to make myself feel better?

I don't know. Why can't someone stop being wrapped up in their own life for once and discuss shit with me since I always sit around and listen to everyone else's shit? Hell if I know. I don't even have real friends anymore. People wonder why I'm sometimes as bitter as I am; Maybe if people were actually there for me like I was for them for a long time I wouldn't have gotten as bitter as I am towards people. Most people don't even realize that theres a world outside of their own lives and that there are others, so-called "friends", that might need them or could even use something to make that "friend" smile. Its impossible to talk to anyone anymore or try to come to anyone about one's problems because they'd be too busy trying to insert their own into the conversation. People are so god damn selfish anymore.