Kelzam
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Right now, I'm at a crossroads in life. After everything thats happened in the last year, I feel numb and empty. I believe this happened when I had to come back here. I can't blame any one person or thing for this, as its the result of a cumulation of many things fading away and me not knowing who I am anymore. And there is the question:
Who am I?
That question asks a lot of things, and a lot of things I used to think were part of who I am are no longer there, as interests, relationships (love, friends, and otherwise), and more fluctuate. Right now, my entire life and the plans I had laid down for it are in upheaval. This last almost half-a-year now, I have struggled within myself as things I thought had not changed had infact either changed or died and went away. Interests, hobbies, things that has been part of me for as long as I could tell feel as though they have faded away.
<snip> cut the lyrics out to make less scrolling and more to the point.
I used to enjoy playing Magic. Talking with other friends here, we've all agreed that Lance's unspoken mantra of always trying to win has done nothing but create a schism in the middle of the Magic playing community we had here. Me, Devin, and Chris all don't mind playing Magic and hanging out; You know, having fun with it? Lance takes it unimaginably seriously to the point where if we can help it or theres more than two of us we do multiplayer matches just to have fun because everyone knows with Lance's obsession with winning that we aren't going to stand a chance because we don't go to the measures he does to accomplish putting together some deck that slaughters everyone in Nevada. I hate to lay this thing on Lance, but lets be perfectly honest: The times that he's not around or me and the other guys have 1 on 1 or multiplayer matches, we have a lot more fun than trying to play against him. Everyone else who plays Magic who once lived here or still do know how this is. If you're just going lose every match against someone because you don't have the time or resources to put into a damn game, a hobby even, then its no fun and people won't want to bother trying anymore. At this point the only reason anyone here besides Lance plays Magic is because it gives us something to do when we hang out. Other than that, Magic is, at least in Nevada, pretty much dead.
The other two negative impacting factors in my decline in Magic interest is time and money. Maybe, however, that isn't as bad as I think it is. I went to Chicago thinking me and Kevin would play a lot and go to FNM's. We met Carl via MTGSalvation, just as we had met eachother, and I thought my Magic playing experience would become more varied. It turns out that it takes 45 minutes to get to the Magic place via public transportation. The other problem was money as I sat there using $50 a week to pay for food for both me AND Kevin. If I were paying for myself, I would have had some extra to spare and use on Magic occasionally. So, in summary, the reason my interests in Magic have died are the following: Time, money, Lance.
I used to enjoy playing video games. Video games for consoles are expensive as hell. I have a 360, XBox, PS2, GBA, and PSP; I have no more than 2 or 3 games for each, except for the XBox, which I believe I have about 5 games for. The gaming industry is starting to become really stale with the same ideas revisited over and over again; Rarely do I find a game that catches my interest enough that I'd even bother downloading it were it available for download. Lately I've found myself revisiting the SNES days and such, playing Yoshi's Island and Pokemon Emerald. Those games are damn fun. Video games now try so hard to look good that gameplay never lives up to the old days. I still love to play video games, but as times goes on I find myself saying "I love to play old video games" instead. This presents a problem. My major right now is Game Art & Design. Everyone always thinks it sounds cool to design your own video games and things on that order. My problem: I don't like almost any of the video games since the PS2, and I'm trying to go into a career where I don't know what I'll be designing and where I'm not even that informed about anymore by choice. Isn't this a mistake? What do I do now? So in summary: I enjoy playing older video games, the newer video games never catch my interest, and because of this I feel that my career choice may be a mistake.
The above paragraph alone destroys what I've been trying to set up for the last year and a half now. So now while I don't even know what my interests are anymore, I'm also stuck figuring out what I'm doing with my future. Lately I feel like shit and am tired constantly. I have wracked my mind with these problems since I got back on top of ending my first real relationship. These aren't even all the issues, these are just the issues I'm willing to openly discuss or talk about. Right now my life is a rather large mess and I find myself emotionally hurt and worn down due to too many things bombarding me at once. I've gotten rid of one problem, which was my relationship that dragged me down and I felt like a slave to, and now I have to figure out who and what I am. Where am I going? What do I still find fun or interesting? What can I do to make myself feel better?
I don't know. Why can't someone stop being wrapped up in their own life for once and discuss shit with me since I always sit around and listen to everyone else's shit? Hell if I know. I don't even have real friends anymore. People wonder why I'm sometimes as bitter as I am; Maybe if people were actually there for me like I was for them for a long time I wouldn't have gotten as bitter as I am towards people. Most people don't even realize that theres a world outside of their own lives and that there are others, so-called "friends", that might need them or could even use something to make that "friend" smile. Its impossible to talk to anyone anymore or try to come to anyone about one's problems because they'd be too busy trying to insert their own into the conversation. People are so god damn selfish anymore.- Show previous comments 10 more
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I'm going to be completely honest, in regards to game design: I came to the decision rather quickly the fall after graduating because I was trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. I like to draw and without sounding big-headed, I can do it pretty well. I like to mess around with music in my spare time and come up with weird tracks, and despite that I rarely read I like to learn about stories and mythology. The problem is, is that while I may have some talents, artistically, I've never been able to figure out where to apply them. Looking back, if I really want to be completely 100% honest, the idea of having Game Art & Design as a major was simply something that I thought would be good because it requires things I have talents in, and I wouldn't have minded being a concept artist. So the idea behind going an art school for this wasn't really because its cool or because I want to make my own games. Hell, even if I wanted to make my own games, its very unlikely. I'd be working under a company with directions on an already in-design game and I'd be drawing for other people anyway.
Where Magic is concerned, I've basically stopped. I haven't touched my cards in a long time until last night, and that was one game in the last month. Magic, like a lot of hobbies, is also a time and money sink. Currently I'm trying to sell all of my cards and make some cash from it. I've thought about checking out other games such as the D&D miniatures game or some other game that doesn't cost as much and is funner than some card game, because at heart, I truly do love gaming of all sorts. I don't want to dislike gaming or video games, its just that gaming isn't what it used to be, but I've already went over that.
I think maybe part of my problem is that I simply burnt myself out, artistically. I've been drawing crap, creating stories, coming up with music, designing levels for other games for eight years and running. That, and I've been trying to pull myself in too many different directions and even make things out to be worse than they are in my head.
But seriously, thank you for the suggestions and replies, I really appreciate it and most of this has got me thinking about things.
Lizardcommando said:Are you saying game developers should go back to the roots of gaming, so to speak? That is, instead of going "forward" (IE: focus on having ultra-realistic graphics and physics?) we should go back to simpler times when games were not about having the most advanced physics engines and whatnot? I want those kinds of games back. I don't care about how realistic the graphics are and how advanced some physics engine is! I want to play a game with a good story, unique characters. Most importantly, I want to play a game that is fun!
I thought video games are supposed to be an escape from reality.
I completely agree with you on this, in terms of story, characters, and the fun level. I thought games were supposed to be an escape from reality, too, but the more I look at current games the more realistic they're trying to make them, or things are going to online-based play such as World of Warcraft, which demands hours of time and seems more like an in-game job to find yourself progressing. I myself have created tons of characters, storylines, among other things. I used to draw comics or other stuff with them. As I mentioned earlier in my post, I feel I really burnt myself out on these things, but I'd like to think that someday they could become something more than ideas. I suppose thats another reason I was going for game design was it always feels awesome to see your creations come to life, even if its as simple as drawing out a Doom map on a piece of paper then later someone actually playing it when you're done. However, Quast brought up a good point in what he said about my expectations being realistic. -
Lizardcommando said:Are you saying game developers should go back to the roots of gaming, so to speak? That is, instead of going "forward" (IE: focus on having ultra-realistic graphics and physics?) we should go back to simpler times when games were not about having the most advanced physics engines and whatnot? I want those kinds of games back. I don't care about how realistic the graphics are and how advanced some physics engine is! I want to play a game with a good story, unique characters. Most importantly, I want to play a game that is fun!
I thought video games are supposed to be an escape from reality.Yeah, that is exactly the point I'm getting at Get back to the roots and start over, building off that escape from reality rather than trying to get away from it.
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I'd love it to get back to the part about coming home and taking a break from reality for a while. The funny thing is is that with hand-held systems, we've been able to stay at that point because they're farther behind than current and next gen systems. The DS is about as good looking as the N64 and the PSP about as good looking as the PS1 (some cases PS2). But, this is really unfortunate, because in years coming they too (hand-held consoles), will fall fate to what the rest of the industry has. I think Haruko hit the nail on the head that after we got into 32 bit and beyond it was the end of the escape-times like there used to be. But there is still some hope, such as that New Mario Bros., for example. They seemed to do everything they could to make it modern but still have a feel of the old games. Need more sidescrollers, less FPS and sports games, IMO.
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