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Bank

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  1. I have never known my mother personally. When I was born my parents were not married and both had problems. My father was and is an alcoholic and my mother was addicted to cocaine--though luckily didn't do it while pregnant with me. It quickly became apparent in the first months of my life that my mother had no intention or capability to raise me so my father applied for custody and was granted it. I went to live with my grandmother and father in Phoenix, AZ where I grew up.

    I can't say I had a bad childhood because even though money was little and tension was high my grandmother is the most loving parent I could have ever asked for. My father was a good man who made stupid decisions and never did anything with his life. He was still in college when I was growing up (at the time he was over 40) and had been doing so since the first time around changing his major every time he was near graduation so he could milk more money from the federal government. My father was incarcerated when I was ten when he killed a man drunk driving and has been in prison since. I don't make contact with him, though he writes my grandmother and asks about me.

    About a year ago my mother tried to get in contact with me through a facebook friend request of all things which I quickly declined once I recognized the name. It was the first time she'd ever tried to contact me and it was already one too many. I was hoping that it would end there but it didn't.

    I'm living in New York and I get a call from my grandmother about a letter she received. It was from my mother and she dictated it to me over the phone. It was a rambling message about how much she thought about me every day and how I was kidnapped from her by my father and his mother, about how meeting her would be the adventure of a lifetime (actual words) and plenty of other fluff. It included addresses and phone numbers to contact her.

    I have no desire of meeting my mother, my entire life could have gone by without ever having heard from her and I would have been happier. That's impossible now because she's already interloped in my life and so now I'm really at an impasse. Part of me wants to call her up and tell her to leave me and my family alone but I'm afraid that will just make her more unrelenting. Another part of me wants to just let it go and do nothing, but that's what I did last time and now here I am with more interference. There's even a tiny sliver of me that wants to hear what she has to say.

    She was never a mother to me, she's certainly not family to me, and she's not the one who raised me nor the one I love. It's another roadbump in my recently hectic life and I have absolutely no idea how to address it.

    1. Show previous comments  23 more
    2. myk

      myk

      Bank said:
      I think that it's just a case of a person who grew up with their parents being unable to imagine another way. I doubt I'm really as ignorant as [...] apparently some of the individuals here believe [...].

      I didn't spot anyone calling you ignorant, but it's just advice from people who've seen other things and stand on a different shore, talking to this, prodding to see if there's something more in it:

      There's even a tiny sliver of me that wants to hear what she has to say.

    3. bytor

      bytor

      bytor said:

      What is that "tiny sliver" of you saying?

      Do not let resentments cause 'thinking errors' and influence your decisions on any given subject but especially on one of this magnitude.

      If anything hear her out as a fellow human being (albeit with problems) and then take it from there.

      I see you letting resentment influence you. Granted I'm not there and blah but...What is that tiny...Bank...saying?

      Just be careful and maintain composure no matter what. And hang in there.

      You're at the 'root' of something that has had major impact to your life. So much good can come out of it.

    4. Super Jamie

      Super Jamie

      Stop talking him into it. His mum's obviously an annoying nutter. The further he keeps away from her the better.

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