Single Status Update
The following is an assortment of examples of what NOT to send to Doomworld via e-mail. This I have garnered from my e-mail archive, dating back a little over a year. It includes stupid stuff sent to Doomcenter when it still existed.
Example 1: A Classic
From: "Maximillian Daley"
Subject: Doomworld, gone.
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002 05:10:27 -0500
last night, doomworld was hacked by some hacking freak named ralphis. he destroyed the backups and now doomworld is gone. he also hacked into darknation's computer and posted that he was going to attack you too. I am a former forum user of doomworld and a new user of doomcenter to warn you that ralphis can attack you. i highly suggest you shut down your systems for the time being.
And yet another...
From: "Maximillian Daley"
Subject: RALPHIS KILLED DOOMWORLD
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002 05:16:46 -0500
i just realized that the killer of doomworld is part of doomcenter forums.
BAN HIM BEFORE HE DESTORYS YOUR SITE!!! HE KILLED DOOMWORLD!
Such retardedness can only be attributed to one person, and that is Railgunner. In the summer of 2002, Linguica played a practical joke on him, configuring DW so that http://www.doomworld.com/ralphis/ would appear to Railgunner as the front page. He also created the Losers forum and made it so he could access only that forum. Thus began a prank that lasted who knows how long.
Example 2: Extreme Weirdness
Date: Mon, 5 Aug 2002 15:45:10 EDT
send me a kope
OK, I'm at a loss to explain this one. Strange.
Example 3: Extreme Retardedness
From: marc-antoine boudreault
Sent: Thursday, October 10, 2002 10:11 PM
Subject: Web Site Hosting at www.doomdestruction.net
Hi there, my name is Marc-Antoine Boudreault, and i saw u guyz are giving free web hosting, so the web site name would be www.doomdestruction.net and the pass darkelfe. I would put the full doom2 online. But would not be free, about 5us$! Im also gona ask the permition from the creator! Im going to put some video of doom3 (and pictures) and im gona make a clan.The clan Of Destruction! Im also gona need a forum and a upload system, so members can give me there files, i would approximatively need 100mb maybe more... (if its not a problem) By the way im not in your forum, but if you guyz could add me my nickname would be fallenangel and pass darkelfe.
To contact me ; i dont know if you need the phone but :1-902-628-6360
And my e-mail is email@example.com!
Sorry for my poor english im french. (but is it a problem)
Thanks, From the fallenAngel
If doom 3 can not play online, i would ask you the game for the clan!!!!
And again, Thanks
This mail was forwarded to me by bigd, as I did not normally get messages to hosting@dc. anyways, this message displays blatant retardedness. Not only were we not accepting any more applications for hosted sites at Doomcenter, but they were also all down. On top of that, we never did hosting at a custom domain. I don't fault his bad English, and I'm not saying he's retarded because he's French. But this sort of stuff is unthinkable.
Example 4: What You Say
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 11:28:34 -0700
hi bye print back to me please hope to hear from you firstname.lastname@example.org bye bye bye bye bye
What? I'm not sure if this was some weird spam, or some person who sought out random people on the Internet to strike up a conversation with. Weird.
Example 5: A Moron
From: "Dale Lunar"
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003 15:33:35 -0500
Update this site now!!
More to come...
From: "Dale Lunar"
Subject: News and Newstuff
Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 15:18:16 -0400
I need news!! AND I NEED NEWSTUFF, YOU FUCKWAD HYENA!!
OK, I'm not sure who the hell this Dale Lunar guy is, but if he keeps demanding updates I'll be quite annoyed. On top of that, the week the second e-mail was sent, Hyena was not the designated /newstuff reviewer.
Example 6: Off Topic
Date: Sat, 8 Feb 2003 10:56:44 -0500
Hi can you help me get my midies online for my web site please? My web site is http://www.tiberiam9.com/.
Uh, okay. I have no idea why this person e-mailed us about this. Move along now.
Example 7: Lame
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2003 20:11:00 EST
Subject: A DooM Comedy List
The Top 50 Signs DooM Has Taken Over Your Life
by Slayne AKA zsxmaster
Like this? Let me know. Tornado198883990@aol.com
You know DooM has taken over your life when...
1. Your will leaves all your favorite megawads to your brother.
2. Every level you've made causes visplane overflow.
3. You DON'T think Strain can compare to your own levels.
4. You've modified the Legacy source to allow Zdoom AND Edge features.
5. Memento Mori? Beat it in 30 mins. flat.
6. You've beaten Slayer on Nightmare.
7. John Romero blocks your e-mail address because you keep correcting him for mistakes he made.
8. Number 7, but the ENTIRE id team blocks your address.
9. Your Doom page hits 1GB of bandwidth a day.
10. Your phone number is scribbled somewhere in the archives of id Software.
11. At local deathmatches, the person you beat refuses to speak.
12. You've actually made an opponent break into tears because of threats through messaging.
13. Your name is never spoken, only whispered.
14. You refuse to answer to any name other than Flynn Taggart.
15. You've been arrested because you took a game a bit too far.
16. You've made DooM: The Movie, and it rules.
17. You've managed to port DooM to every console, even Atari.
18. You can note everything wrong with the Official Doom FAQ.
19. You've got copies of every DooM version, even the Alpha.
20. You've gotten into intense arguments over the wall texture of a map.
21. Every time your name is drawn in a deathmatch random setup, everyone ducks under the table.
22. You've carved "DOOM" into your arm with a sawblade.
23. Every time you're about to fall asleep you hear an Imp groan.
24. The DooM logo is tatooed on your body. In six places.
25. You communicate by growling. To everyone.
26. You have "DooM Flashbacks"
27. The greatest map editor in the world is the one you hand coded.
28. Adrian Carmack owes you 5 dollars.
29. You've worn your CTRL key down to the point that it's coming off.
30. Your DooM fanart has earned you $10,000 or more. Per piece.
31. You know what WAD means and how to rearrange them in Notepad.
32. DooM and all its files take up more space than Windows.
33. You've had to run on DOS because DooM took up all your free space.
34. You have 5 or 6 people that watch you as you play and take notes.
35. You've started the world's first DooM training college.
36. id Software has personally visited your house to examine you at "work".
37. When you lost your first deathmatch, you ran headfirst into a brick wall.
38. You're on first name terms with at least 300 people in the DooM community.
39. You've posted so much on DooM messageboards the server crashed.
40. You've beaten DooM with your eyes closed, playing by sound and memory alone.
41. You're building a scale model of E1M1 in your attic.
42. On Halloween, you and all your friends dressed up as Archviles and scared the crap out of little kids.
43. Your DooM hintbook (signed, of course) is set up in its own candlelit shrine in your room.
44. You absolutely insist anyone touching the joystick you DooM with wash their hands and wear gloves.
45. You've strangled a level designer to near death because he forgot to place a key in his map.
46. You bought and beat GBA DooM, then vomited in disgust and smashed the cartridge with a shovel.
47. It's impossible for you to sleep unless the DooM soundtrack is playing loudly.
48. You burned the DooM soundtrack to CD, after converting 3 versions of every song to MP3.
49. You're in therapy because of a horrible level you had to review.
50. You read this list and wonder how I know you so well.
Man, that was stupid. Don't you agree? I thought so.
Example 8: WHY?
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2003 18:39:52 EST
where can i get doom 3 and FINAL DOOM?
At a local department or software store.
Example 9: More Stupidity
From: "Alex Bolarakis"
Subject: Doom3 Alpha 0.02
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 16:11:51 -0500
I have Doom3 Alpha 0.02 and can give you screen shots if you like. I found your site while looking for places to download doom and doom 2 again.
No now go away. You fail it.
Along the same vein...
From: "Bendik August Larsen"
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 18:04:37 -0800
why arrrent there any real link at the doom 3 alpha download?
Because you suck. Seriously, why can't idiots like you figure this stuff out?
From: "Bendik August Larsen"
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2003 18:18:00 +0200
why is there a download the doom1 alpha in the doom3 directory?
Need I comment more?
Example 10: Don't Send Attatchments
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 05:15:37 -0800 (PST)
From: WarLord from the LeechPit
Subject: DM levels for Doom2
here are 2 of my best DM levels for Doom2 so far.
Last resort and Carcassville.
They're both specifically designed for Jdoom because you have to jump in certain area's to get weapons, and also to have appropriate light in dark areas.
Do we look like a level hosting site? I didn't think so. This serves as a reminder to NEVER SEND ATTATCHMENTS unless prior arrangements have been made.
Example 11: Someone Set Us Up the Doom
From: "Medalis Hidic"
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2003 16:46:06 -0700
hi! can you let me know if you have doom first & second part and how much are they for PS2 and PC
Any careful look around would get you the information you are seeking. This is a reminder to people to exhaust all available resources you can find for yourself before asking others.
Example 12: OMG I HATE DW
From: "The Wellmans"
Date: Sat, 7 Jun 2003 17:43:32 -0700
This is so true. Might as well pass it on.
Of course, Electro, also known as IRule before he was banned, had to send this to me, as well as post it all over our forums. Please, get a life.
Example 13: Pop-ups Galore!
From: "Derek Noonan"
Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 10:01:19 -0400
My god man. Do you have to have a pop-up every single time you click a new page on your site? Every bloody time time man!
The parade continues...
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003 16:40:13 -0400
From: "James 'Craz' Flathers"
Subject: your pop ups
i am about tired of your fuckin pop up if they don't stop i will send u something every 10 minutes just like your fuckin pop up. is this the kind of feedback you want
Let me put this in simple terms: BANDWIDTH IS NOT FREE. Telefragged controls the popups; we do not. Perhaps you'd just like to start paying to see Doomworld's content? I thought not. Anyways, for you intelligent people out there, The Proxomitron can block ads, pop-ups, and more, and only requires an IQ above 80 to configure.
I hope everyone enjoyed this walk into stupid-land. Let this be your guide on what NOT to send us.