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Everything posted by darknation

  1. darknation

    How often do you have casual sex?

    watch and learn Quasie.
  2. darknation

    How often do you have casual sex?

    Elitist, no. Mentally ill, yes.
  3. darknation

    RetroBlazer is on Greenlight.

    looks furry to me. Do not want.
  4. so, I got a job in a pub, which mostly involves me oscillating between beer pumps until someone buys me beer. As jobs go, it could be worse.

    Two weeks ago this little European dude walks in and orders half a Guinness. Then he deposits said Guinness on the table and fucks off for a shit in our opulent lavatorium. So far, so good; at least one regular has been banned from shitting in his own house because his ass is so rotten that it makes his wife puke, and so he has to fire his shit down our toilet and hold his butthole to the extractor fan afterwards.

    People shit in the toilet is the point I am making here. It is not unusual.

    The pub begins to fill up with punters. No one buys me beer, which is fucking irritating. Half an hour later I notice that the half pint of Guinness is still sitting neglected on the table. Not a single fuck was given.

    This was the first mistake of the evening. I should have put two and two together at this point. I did not.

    Half an hour after that, a big dude with a beard informs me that there is something awry in the toilet. Big dude with beard, another accursed pub-shit doer, cannot enter the cubical to drop a tactical nuke. He has peered beneath cubical door - he has seen someone kneeling unresponsive on the pissy concrete floor, like he is praying to Mecca or some shit.

    Oh dear.

    The landlord gets a screwdriver and removes the lock. Landlord promptly freaks out because this guy looks pretty fucking dead. Living people do not lie in this position. This fucker has ragdolled up against the cubical wall, his neck at a 90 degree angle.

    Phone the fucking ambulance.

    darknation the pint-puller is suddenly promoted to darknation the corpse-mongler. Our intrepid hero enters the cubical, which is about four-foot square, and ties to check the kneeling body for a pulse. There is a needle still clamped in the body's hand. His hand is freezing cold. His trousers have come down to reveal three-stripe, red-white-yellow boxer shorts. There is vomit, this man has pissed his pants, his last act upon this world was to shit himself. Landlord has phoned for an ambulance and the NHS 24 want to know if this dead dude is breathing. Trying to get to check is a nightmare. His neck is boneless, his head flops about, about a litre of clear liquid has pooled in his mouth and is slithering out like fucking anal lube.

    That shit was the grossest part. It fucking got everywhere.

    I try to lift him. Impossible, this fucker is a dead weight. His lips are blue. I know I've got to get him out of the cubical and lie him down so I can think about CPR. Then I look at this dead blue bastard and the shit that is coming out of his mouth and I actually hope that he *is* dead so I won't have to pump and french kiss the fucker.

    Somehow we get another person into the tiny cubical. Somehow we manage to haul him out of the stall. His trousers fall all the way down as we pull him. Yes, he has definitely shat himself. Yes, this fucker is blue and he is not breathing. No, am I not doing CPR. Fuck that.

    Not sure what this post is really meant to be about, but fuck that little European dude for overdosing in my pub toilet and totally ruining my Friday night. What a fucking prick.

    1. SYS


      Hasn't happened yet, better get on that brilliant idea of yours.

    2. Cupboard


      Do you even 4chan? I had to dig through my colossal armory of images for this


    3. Coopersville


      Well... that was worse than what I've seen in 99% of rekt threads.

    4. Show next comments  36 more
  5. I have some now. Celebrate, for darknation has returned to you.

    1. Obsidian



    2. Cupboard


      so about how much porn can you fit through that cable?

    3. Clonehunter


      I'm a better author than you, bub.

    4. Show next comments  36 more
  6. darknation

    Can 2.2% beer make you alcoholic?

    drunknation is bestnation.
  7. you are absolutely correct sir. I defer to your greater experience re; the causes and effects of social retardation.
  8. That is school. That has always been school. Nothing has changed other than, not so long ago, it was the teachers beating the crap out of you as well. Learn to defend yourself, either physically, mentally or verbally, or you'll spend the rest of your days drowning in a sea of shit. Fair? No, but neither is life. Life is a fucking rapist. I personally think it helps to get some practice in, to be prepared for the monumental ass-fucking that awaits you just outside the school gates.
  9. there are no kids with bad behaviour in america, only lots of fucking syndromes. Hence the shitfeast of Special Ed. I predict a lot of bawwing about how shitty everyone's school years were. News: School is shit, always has been shit, and will forever be shit. But school isn't just about academic learning, it's also about learning how to interact with your fellow human beings in a such way that they don't feel compelled to beat the ever-loving cunt out of you. This is an important life skill.
  10. Not entirely too sure what you were expecting. The abuse is actually pretty mild (Let's pull down his pants. Let's not pull down his pants because buttsmells. Lol bookslam). That, combined with the sudden introduction of school sanctioned iPad, probably means Special Ed here was in a class full of other Special Eds. Yeah, good luck to the teacher if he is trying to direct that particular herd of fucking monkeys. I imagine he has nothing on his mind other than a refreshing cup of strychnine at the end of the day. Nothing the bullies did would have resulted in anything other than a chewing out. The effectiveness of which is nil. Whereas recording in school is obviously a lol-pedophile situation; introduce a legal precedent where it's ok in *some* circumstances and that's a loophole that will be exploited to the nth degree. Sucks, but I see the logic.
  11. darknation

    Heartbleed Bug

    you being serious? what on earth could you be doing on a computer that warrants that level of paranoia?
  12. yeah, so I was drunk the other night and I think I caught my foreskin in my zipper.

    It's fucking sore. It looks gross, lightly skinned, still weeping white blood cells. The scab that is forming... well, it's less of a scab, more of a geological formation made of pus, blood and copious pants fluff.

    I wish I had worn better coloured pants so the scab would look less like a gangrenous bubo.

    Also related;

    1. Clonehunter


      darknation said:

      this should quite clearly have been a poll. Ah well, live and learn.

      Any circumcised men ever caught their wanger in their zip? Because as much as the bloody urinal cake on the end of my knob hurts, I can only imagine that being a hundred times worse.

      I've never been stupid enough or drunk enough to do such a thing.

    2. 40oz


      Hah I knew what this thread was gonna be about before I clicked on it. This has never happened to me, as I don't reckless yank that miniature guillotine up when I'm exposed. I think I did pinch it on the zipper once by accident but the terrifying jolt of pain warned me before I did any damage.

      yeah how do you manage this though? I mean, when I piss, I usually pull the waistband under than feed through the little opening in the boxers. I'd never zip up before putting it back in. I don't really have any gruesome penis stories don't think. Be good to it and it'll be good to you.

    3. Megalyth


      darknation said:

      formation made of pus, blood and copious pants fluff

      So now it really does look like a poisonous mushroom?

    4. Show next comments  36 more
  13. darknation

    Does anyone else experience a disconnect with forums?

    you will remember my name.
  14. darknation

    Tales From Texas Archive

    it's funny because it's not funny. I see it now.
  15. darknation

    Ultimate Warrior dead at 54

    Really? A man who is going to be buried in spandex was anti-homo? How... queer.
  16. postal 2, rather amusingly, can be completed without killing anybody.
  17. darknation

    Reasons not to tip

    the real question is; would you spit in AndrewB's food? And if not, why not?
  18. darknation

    Employee Engagement

    I fucking hate my job. It is shit. Would quite cheerfully shoot my own foot off and go on the disability if the fucking Tories hadn't instigated a Hop Your Way to Work initiative.
  19. darknation

    how the ignore function could be improved

    massive fucking intellect = problem fucking solved. PS: haha. made you look.
  20. darknation

    how the ignore function could be improved

    so by your own admission you are missing half the content of our own thread. y'know, certain trolls might pick up on the stilted, willfully ignorant nature of your participation here and troll harder, faster and stronger because of it. Some people really don't do themselves any favors. Maybe I should start up a Doomworld Reader's Digest, presenting just the salient facts, condensing TL;DR and removing any herp derp or offensiveness. Might be fun, actually.
  21. darknation

    Novel writing

    The solution is to do all your editing and send only the FINISHED PRODUCT to your agent. Do not accept an advance (or the vapourware promise of an advance) if there is still work to be done. No one, let alone a publishing house, accepts broken, half-finished books. That is not the way business is done. Advances are not granted for first time novels only half-written; advances are granted for finished books, to keep the author afloat between the actual sale of your novel and the indeterminate period before receiving your percentage, which is usually a year or more down the line. Publishers don't just buy books from your agent and publish them three months later; they have release schedules. Comedy and autobiography sells better at christmas, serious works will be released prior to awards ceremonies etc. This is where your advance comes in, to let you eat and work in the meantime. My own personal rule is that if anyone you haven't worked with before shows an interest in your book then they are probably vanity publishing / a ripoff editor house. Check these fuckers out before you sign shit. Google, as always, is your friend.
  22. darknation

    Novel writing

    In no particular order. Be prepared to spend years in an intellectual, spiritual and emotional vacuum. Posting at DW is good practice for this. I personally avoid other amateurs like the plague; the best feedback I have received was from other vets, people who wanted to read the book rather than people who felt obliged to do so. Convincing others that your book is something that they actually want to read, however, is tricksy. People do not want to read an unfinished book. People do not want to read short stories, demented perverts on fanfiction.net aside. Buy a thesaurus and glue up your ethernet port; the internet is anathema to productivity. Do not fear the delete key - if something isn't working then it's quicker and easier to delete that paragraph or chapter (or, once, the entire fucking book) and start over from scratch. Do not focus entirely on one novel - start something new every once and a while, purely because after editing and rewriting for going on five years now, I have developed a crippling fear of defacing blank pages. I may have lost the ability to write anything *new* at some point. If writing is beating your ass, if you are hating every single word that you have committed to paper and absolutely cannot conceive of a way forward, then close the file and go walking. For two months. Open the file again when you've forgotten what the contents are. You'll be surprised and find you suck less than you remember. Set yourself a deadline and double it. Wave to the deadline as you sail past, laughing maniacally and wondering how you could have possibly been so naive to think that you could finish a book in that laughable period of time. The first draft will suck. The second draft will suck less, marginally. The fifteenth draft will suck more than the first draft did, because you are now clinically insane. The sixth draft might be pretty decent. No one likes a Mary Sue. If you feel the need to stride into your fictional landscape then at least have the decency to throw yourself under a bus at the start of chapter three. 99% of the people who will post advice in this thread are idiots with no relevant experience. The other one percent are bitter, twisted failures who will gleefully shit upon your creative works regardless of merit and quality. Writing can be a fucking lonely pastime.
  23. I'm guessing they had to make the mouths small so they could use motion capture on the voice actors and simply transfer their lip movements to the shit-ass turtles.
  24. darknation

    how the ignore function could be improved

    see, the problem is that by ignoring ideas and views that you don't agree with, then the whole exercise becomes rather pointless. If all you are interested in is promoting your own views whilst sticking your fingers into your ears then there is, happily, a solution.