darknation

I must share this, else I will go mad.

I have a friend. He is an idiot, but I try not to discriminate. Said friend has two dogs; they shit mountains.

The council introduced "Garden Waste" bins about three years ago. They are for stuff that is clearly meant to be fertilizer; old plants, grass clippings, etc. And, indeed, dog shit. Dog shit is apparently A-OK with this scheme. I imagine it is full of nitrates and worms.

Now, picture this if you will - My friend is no gardener. He owns two dogs. He has a brown topped, eco-friendly bin for garden waste. He has put a year's worth of dog shit into said bin. A pound of dog shit, no more, no less, only dog shit, multiplied by two and multiplied further for every day of the year. This bin is made of dog shit. It is an epic dog shit bin.

Out he wheels it onto the street during the designated day. The deed is done.

Now, the council bin collectors are well trained. Verily, they expect people to try to sneak toasters and broken electronics into their Garden Waste bin. They check before they recycle shit into their bin lorry. They give all offerings an eyeball before they add it to the pile.

They find the dog shit worthy. The little green polystyrene bags that the dog shit is contained in, however, are not bio-degradeable.

They refuse to lift the bin and depart, chortling, for new horizons.

My friend, my dumb, stupid, mentally retarded friend, now has 240 litres of dog shit to separate from bags by hand. Or, alternatively, he has 240 litres of dog shit to fly-tip somewhere out in the country. A tricky task, because my friend is also a massive spastic, and has only one functioning arm and a gammy leg and only one hemisphere of his brain works at any given time.

The bin is full. The dogs keep shitting. Wedging the bin lid down will only work for so long. And I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my entire fucking life.