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darknation

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  1. An update from Scotchland.

    We are fucked.

    Brexit has fucked us. Here are the gory details.

    Once upon a time, there was a Conservative / Liberal Democrat coalition. This was the Lib Dems first time in government, and to make it there they sold their fucking souls to the devil. Their leader, Nick Clegg, was elected on the promise of doing certain things (like abolishing university tuition fees) and then he promptly reneged on those promises, shat in a pot and told us all it was delicious beef olives, we must eat it.

    This went on for four fucking years.

    Come the next general election, David Cameron made a cunning plan. His Liberal Democrat partners and he made a pact - the Conservatives *would* stand candidates in Lib Dem held seats, but those candidates would consist solely of swivel-eyed lunatics that no one in their right mind would vote for. Thus the Lib Dems would hold onto their seats, the Conservative party would be rid of their loonies and the coalition would march forth into a bright future of cheerfully fucking the poor over ad infinitum.

    Then the Lib Dems lost all their seats, because no one was voting for a bunch of lying, scheming snottery shitbags who would fuck their granny's corpse on live TV for the merest scrapings of power. David Cameron did not see this coming, because David Cameron is a stupid cunt.

    Instead, England voted in 50 seats worth of fucking homicidal maniacs. Those very people that Cameron was trying to put out to pasture returned to Westminster in triumph.

    Scotland, meanwhile, was busy planning the Hilarious Rape of the Labour Party. You see, we had a little independence referendum all of our own, and we watched in horror as the Labour party combined forces with the Conservatives, much like a shit Captain Planet. And if there is one thing we in Scotland hate more than a fucking Conservative, it's people who willingly consort with Conservatives.

    The Independence vote failed narrowly. If we removed those over the age of 65 from the equation, then we would have won. Pensioners fucked us. We don't care. It seemed a simple matter of waiting till those old fucking bastards die and then going for another referendum. This is Scotland, home of the Deep Fried Mars Bar, so it won't take long.

    To make time until the elderly totter off into their early graves, we raped Labour, much for the same reasons that England raped the Lib Dems. Gone were all the Scottish Labour MP's, in were 54 seats worth of hilarious ginger Nationalists. And, because we are a spiteful race of pure bastards, we invested Alex Salmond with his new title of 'Fucker of the English' and sent the whole fucking busload of them down to Westminster.

    Labour promptly imploded.

    Tony 'speak anywhere but the fucking Hague' Blair's loathsome little homunculii were deposed in favour of a geography teacher. The homunculii went REEEEEEE and spent the next fucking year trying to stab the geography teacher in the back, missing, and stabbing themselves in the face instead. Repeatedly. The Conservatives also went batshit insane, the right wing uniting under Boris Fucking Johnson. David Cameron did not see this coming, because David Cameron is a stupid cunt.

    And then Brexit.

    The term being bandied about is 'Post-Truth Politics', a nice way of saying 'everybody lies.' And it's not like they were even being subtle about it. Voting is easy when one side is clearly lying their fucking arses off; it becomes rather more difficult when both sides are actually clinically fucking insane. It's not so much a case of voting for the lesser of two evils; it's a case of voting for either a man who looks he uses his hair to wipe sperm from the faces of bukakke actresses or voting for a man who actually fucked a pig.

    For the record, Scotland was 62% in favour of staying in Europe. I assume this means that we had a harsh winter and the old pensioner bastards are dying off quicker than expected. England, being apparently retarded as well as racist, voted out. Wales also disgraced themselves. Ireland joined Scotland in the sanity club, which means that even a bunch of alcoholic celtic maniacs who enclose pipebombs with their voting slips managed to fuck things up less than the rest of you fucking assholes.

    None of this matters, because what England says goes. Scotland will be dragged out of Europe against our wishes. Or will be, once this latest bout of internecine party warfare finally expires. No sooner was the Brexit vote confirmed than the entire of Westminster collectively went Caligula. David Cameron rage-quit like a autistic counterstrike player. Gove stabbed Boris. The Blarite homunculii tried to depose Corbyn for the 177th time this year, and stabbed themselves in the fucking face again. Someone found Margaret Thatcher's head in cold storage and reanimated the cunt in a satanic ritual. Nu-Thatcher swooped in to save Boris, made him Foreign Secretary (da fuk?) and Boris performed what can only be described as a political falcon punch straight back into Gove's tiny, hairless little bollocks.

    Oh, yes. Nu-Thatcher. Theresa fucking May, a woman so fucking foul that every time a poor person dies her vagina dentata clatter in delight and whisper ALLL IISSSS DUST on winds that reek like an open grave. The Scottish LOVED Thatcher, this clotted fucking revenant will be SURE to save the fucking union.

    And so we come to the present day. There is probably a moral to this story somewhere, but fucked if I can see it. Maybe, when you see your next door neighbor wandering around in blackface screaming about how the Polish have stolen all his jobs and erecting a burning cross in his front garden, you should run like fuck whilst you have the chance.

    Or maybe I should have pulled a Shipman when I worked in the nursing home and killed all those old bastards what fucked us in the first place.

    The benefit of hindsight, I guess.

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. Cupboard

      Cupboard

      You guys turned in your card set way too early, now the British get like 160 armies next turn

      Things could be worse, you could be living on the same continent as Putin, Erdogan, and al-Assad

    3. ReFracture

      ReFracture

      While I'm not sure I better understand any of this... I still loved reading it.

    4. Eris Falling

      Eris Falling

      darknation said:

      Theresa fucking May, a woman so fucking foul that every time a poor person dies her vagina dentata clatter in delight and whisper ALLL IISSSS DUST on winds that reek like an open grave.


      10 out of fucking 10 :D

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