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darknation

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  1. Nick Baker breathed the heady air of freedom. Himmler stuck the last piece of prison in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. He had eaten the entire building.

    "Ve haf escaped!" said the jubilant Hitler, jumping up and down in the Nazi-dance of joy. Nick Baker tried to join in, so Hitler kicked him in the scrotum.

    "I'm glad I have friends like you guys," said Nick Baker, tears of happiness rolling down his cheeks.

    "Pull your head out of your arse, that joke is getting old," said Hitler.

    "I haf eaten ze prison, mine Fuhrer," said Himmler, spraying everyone with mortar.

    "Let's go for a walk to celebrate our friendship!" said Nick Baker through a mouthful of his own feces.

    "Nein! Let's go for a walk and throw Nick Baker of a tall building!" said Hitler, who goose-stepped towards the Trade Center, his underlings in tow.

    "Ze Trade Center is not very tall anymore mine Fuhrer," said Himmler, who received a smack in the gob for his outspokenness.

    "Ve are in ze 1940's, ze Trade Centers have not been exploded yet," said Hitler.

    "I don't think they have been built," said Nick Baker.

    "STOP!" said Hitler, "I haf a new idea. Nick Baker, from now on I shall call you Festering Anal Welt. This shall be your new name."

    "Yes Hitler," said Nick Baker.

    They walked through the 1940's landscape, which was mostly black and white.

    "Stop again!" said Hitler, freezing mid-step with his foot hanging horizontal, "Ve shall take ze bus! Nick Baker, throw yourself in front of the next one that passes."

    They waited at the bus stop. There were a few false alarms, and Nick Baker got his head run over by three articulated lorries. Finally a yellow bus stopped and the Third Reich climbed aboard.

    "Three tickets please," said Hitler sweetly. Then the trio sat down.

    "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" and "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" said the retards on the retard bus.

    "FESTERING ANAL WELT!" screamed the Fuhrer, slapping Nick Baker's skull back into a round shape, "YOU HAF THROWN YOURSELF INFRONT OF THE MONGBUS!"

    "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" said Nick Baker.

    "Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh, mine Fuhrer!" said Himmler.

    "Oh my God, it's Adolf Hitler! Can I have your autograph?" said Ralphis, who was in the seat before them.

    "Oh my God, it's Nick Baker!" Can I have your autograph?" said The Big Bad Gansta, who was sitting on Ralphis' knee like a wigger china doll.

    "Nein!" said Hitler, signing nine autographs.

    "Who are you two?" asked Nick Baker of his admirers.

    "I am Ralphis, and I am a demolition ball." said Ralphis the demolition ball.

    "I am BBG, and I am a Gansta," said BBG, brandishing a potato gun.

    "Would you like to join the National Socialist party?" asked Nick Baker, "We need ethnic minorities to prove that we are not Nazis."

    "YES WE ARE!" screamed the Fuhrer, biting chunks out of the seat upholstery in a tantrum and finally sinking his fangs into Himmler's face.

    "Der Fuhrer is hungry!" wailed Himmler as he lost his nose.

    "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" said the mongols.

    "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" said Ralphis.

    "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" said BBG.

    "I hate my job," said the driver of the mongol bus.

    "I hate my job too," confided Ralphis, "They attach me to a crane and throw me at buildings till they fall over."

    "I am getting off zis bus!" said Hitler, throwing Nick Baker through the window. "Himmler, ve are leaving!"

    "I shall push ze button, mine Fuhrer."

    They disembarked and stood a while on Nick Baker. They watched the Mongol Bus drive away, the Mongols hanging out of the window and waving a hearty "Muuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" of farewell. Then they were all decapitated by a lamp post that hung over the road.

    "GOTT IN HIMMEL! It's raining mongheads!" said Himmler, as Ralphis' head flew by, hitting the National Bank and reducing it to rubble.

    "Now I'm even shorter," groaned the head of BBG as it rolled past and down a manhole cover, where it would fall into raw sewage and be eaten piece by agonizing piece by a swarm of rats.

    "Ve are off ze bus, mine Fuhrer!" said Himmler.

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. BlackFish

      BlackFish

      I think this needs a comic.

    3. Grazza

      Grazza

      I preferred sargebaldy's bakerfic.

    4. Ralphis

      Ralphis

      I don't remember specifying my job to you guys :(

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