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darknation

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    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Danarchy

      Danarchy

      myk puts forth a very interesting idea which I agree with.

    3. Julian

      Julian

      I find it very good. But:

      • I think it's not as full of out of topic information as you're used to and as it deserves imo. It lacks other described worshippers. Go wild with pathetic human beings, that's what you are so good at.
      • Descriptions of your two "heroes" should be more... descriptive. I mean, you do know how they look like, we don't. Details details, details. Put bits the reader cannot understand: lots of openings for further stories and explanations. Beside Hell is in the details, isn't it?
      • The ending is a bit "fast". Make your heroes take some time to realize what's actually going on (why not doing so referring to an old adventure of theirs - other openings - ?). Make the reader understand with the heroes, not after. That way you can get the reader involved.
      All in all, pretty promising introductory chapter for a typically absurd Mallis novel. Now do it!

    4. darknation

      darknation

      thanks jules, you came to pretty much the same conclusions I did.

      I'm working on fixing it at the momment. I'm going to add in a preface thing explaining belial and his growth in greater detail, hopefully that will make the ending less confusing if the reader understands what it is exactly that gives him his power.

      Also adding in a section of L&P in the pub before they infiltrate the group that should hopefully get the character work up to speed.

      In addition to this, I'm also going some source materials that will be made avalible as a kind of 'appendix' on the website. Those who want to know more about the backgrounds of certain people and places will be able to find it here, presented in amusing formats... an example of this is a piece I am writing on the bus on the way to work, about Daniel Tay's (looloololol) brief visit to Hell.

      I buggered this up, basically. I just hammered out a short story filled with a thousand little details that have no meaning or reference in the reader's mind. Hopefully, I can fix this, at least for those who are willing to make the effort and use their imaginations.

      I won't be posting any more from this series for a while, at least not so publically. It will be ready when it is ready.

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