Ultraviolet

I'm thinking about adding 40 hours of work to my week with a new job, dropping the old 16 hour part time thing, and finishing this semester of school like that. It'll be tight, but I think I can handle it with strict adherence to a schedule and a decent bedtime.

The work is so I can save up in preparation to get the fuck out of this miserable shithole of a town. As far as places go it's not too bad, but there is this increasing absense of life here for me, or the realization that I've been rolling on in a rut for years now.

My best friend lives in the Monterrey Bay area in California. She came to visit recently and I was reminded of how much I loved every day back when I used to get to see her. I want that back. There is nothing but school and the security of living with my family (which becomes more stressful for all parties involved as time passes) to keep me here, and school has seemed more like part of a stupid routine than part of a personal objective lately. I think I should go. It seems like I'm wasting perfectly good youth being a good boy (a decent one anyway), quiet, waking up in the morning, eating, going to school, eating, staring at this motherfucking screen, eating, and sleeping again. There's no more meaning to how I live than that.

The hard part is convincing myself that I need to stick around long enough to pay some debts (to my parents, so it's not like they'd track me down and break my knees), buy some good duffel bags, and have a little money saved up to do things right. It's hard to care that far into the future when I've been living like I have been. Part of living here has been convincing myself that it's for a purpose of some sort, though, so I guess I can lie to myself a little longer for the sake of being a little bit more ready for what I'm wanting to get myself into.

Transportation is another issue. My sister passed on to me that she had heard (not clear whether it was said to her or said near her) that our parents would give us ownership of the cars we drive around at some point in the near future. If that is the case, then I won't have to hitchhike out to where I'm going. If not, I suppose I might save a little money (if people don't ask for money for rides as long as I'm headed the direction they're headed). Then again, I suppose there is one-way bus fare. Even if I could buy the car from my parents, I'm not sure I could maintain it well enough to have it ready for a 900 mile trip. It's in decent shape for getting around town, but I'm not sure how it would perform over distance. I need to get it taken care of, but have no money for that either.

The last issue, possibly the hardest one to figure out what to think about it, is whether I should ask my parents for help, or even tell them why I want to do this. At the very least I would leave a note, and I would only communicate so indirectly because I think they will be disappointed that I won't be finishing school in the way that they offered to pay for (paid by them while living in their house). I want to tell them, but there never seems to be a good time. Kinda like that one time I thought I was going to have a kid (which didn't happen, luckily).

There are other minor things such as finding a new optometrist, having the money to pay for that without any medical insurance, dental shit (just checkups, I don't have any big problems), and whatever else, until I can get established, but I'm not too worried about those. I can get my parents to replenish my contact lens supply before I even tell them what's going on with me, and see about getting in a dental checkup in mid/late November or early December rather than January as is scheduled.