Jimmy

Your Dad? Sounds like it's a combination of long accumulated psychological stresses, a mid-life crisis, and homesickness. Really though, who can say? We can't know, because we don't have anything to go on beyond your testimony, and you can't know because you lack the objectivity or expertise to make an accurate diagnosis. Frankly, it isn't a question of what is or isn't wrong with your Dad. The issue is how you choose to behave in response, as our own behaviour is the only thing any of us really has true control over.

Firstly though, I'd question exactly what you want to get out of posting these blogs? Do you really want advice, or simply a place to vent and get some sympathy for how shitty your situation is? If it's latter then fair enough, you're certainly entitled to sympathy, as your situation is shitty, but there's not much point the rest of us hammering away telling you what we think you should do if that's not what you're looking for.

Presupposing you do genuinely want advice, you seem like an intelligent person, so I don't think there's much we can tell you that you won't have already considered and understood, at least on an intellectual level. Of course, there's a difference between understanding something intellectually and understanding it emotionally, and then another gap to actually acting on that knowledge. You clearly understand intellectually that it would be beneficial for you to remove yourself from the situation you're presently in, but you don't seem ready emotionally to make such a decisive break from your family, and even less ready for the practical realities of doing so.

Others have already told you in no uncertain terms to move out and yes, if you have the means and mindset to do so, then it would likely be a good course of action. However, perhaps it isn't practical. You only arrived in the country relatively recently, don't have a high level qualification, and may not have the money or support network necessary to move out. That doesn't mean though, that you can't take actions to improve the situation and to gradually engineer the circumstances where you will be able to move out and become independent.

Your home situation reminds me of several people I've known, less the unhinged father, who stay in the family home rather than moving out and getting their own place or going to university. They enter a state of arrested development, somewhere between childhood and adulthood, where they are ostensibly mature and independent, yet still living in an environment essentially unchanged since their youth, reliant on their parents and treated by them as somewhat less than adults. Some of them even had jobs and cars and the means to become fully independent if they chose, but remained trapped in this state simply because it was easier.

You mentioned going to university in one of your posts, and it seems like it might offer a good solution to your predicament. It would allow you to move out without necessarily causing a breach with your family, experience greater independence within a structured environment, establish a wider network of friends and acquaintances, help develop your musical ability and give you a qualification that may help you get a job (alongside the portfolio of work you could build up over the course of your studies). The value of the qualifications attained through higher education is probably significantly less valuable that the opportunity it provides all young adults to establish themselves as a person independently from their parents. It is a pain in the arse applying to university, I remember it well enough, but if you choose to make it a priority, and can get yourself excited about the opportunity it offers, then I'm sure you can do it.

In the short term though, the question is how you choose to deal with the situation with your Dad. Like I said, you can only control your own behaviour. Repressing your anger until it eventually boils over in some apoplectic rant isn't going to help the situation. Find a way to defuse the anger you feel, by writing, hitting inanimate objects, meditating, whatever. Change how you react to your Dad's behaviour, by choosing not to get angry. Choose to see it for what it is, a symptom of illness, and rather ridiculous in its own way. Choose to detach yourself from the situation and observe it as you would a film or TV show.

One way to deal with the situation when you Dad does start ranting is to physically remove yourself from it. When he starts, or when it looks like he's about to, simply leave the room, leave the house and go for a walk. If he wants to know why, just calmly explain that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable and you're not going to tolerate it. Seriously, just get up and walk away, even if it's the middle of the night. Don't get angry, don't allow yourself to be drawn in emotionally by threats, demands or any other kind of manipulation, just leave. You need establish boundaries, and the easiest way you can do so is with your own behaviour.

Don't focus on trying to "fix" your Dad's problems somehow, that isn't your responsibility. If the opportunity arises, explain to him, (again, calmly) that you think he is unwell, and should seek counselling. Don't get into an argument, trying to "prove" he needs help with examples of his behaviour, or engaging with his paranoia or delusions, simply state that you don't see things as he does, thank you won't tolerate his behaviour or even discuss it unless he can do so calmly and rationally. Remember at all times, that how you react is a choice, and at any time you can choose to remove yourself from a conversation or a situation.

Finally, try and find activities that will get you out of the house. Whether it's taking music lessons, playing sports, joining a book club, a knitting circle, a different band, a dungeons and dragons club, online dating, volunteering for a charity, bike-riding, exploring the wilderness, visiting a library, anything that helps to regularly get you out of your home environment.

Thanks for that post, Jonathan. I'm still trying to digest it all but it's a great help.

I think I'm going to make a concerted effort to get myself into university by February 2014 when the next first semester starts. I'm not entirely in favor of joining mid-term, as much as I'd like to be dynamic enough to go through the application process and be in a class by July 29th. What I do until then, I'm still not sure, but I'll keep searching. There must be something to do on this big old continent that I've spent most of the last 1.5 years exploring less than 60 square miles of.

...

So my mum and dad had a blazing three-hour-plus row today that went all sorts of ugly directions. It started when my dad was telling his mum about the state of the family and perhaps being overly negative about the whole thing again. My mum was very dischuffed by this, and I'm still not sure a resolution to that has been met, because my dad got really defensive. Aggressively defensive if that's even a thing. As usual, I butted out, and while I wanted to say some things, couldn't find the ability to phrase them as I felt I'd just make things worse like it usually goes. My brother got angry at the degree the argument escalated to, said some things which I thought were fair, but then he left and the argument continued. At this point in time, I don't even care if my mum and dad's marriage is currently in jeopardy. I simply cannot find it in me to summon the fucks to give. I'm emotionally dead to the situation.

There's no need for anyone to know about that, I realize, since it's just something that happens. But I just feel really, really shitty right now as a result of having had to listen to it - this house is a rental property with only one floor and no soundproofing between rooms, so everything that goes on is heard - and I have done since the argument ended (whenever it did, I lost track).

I am extensively going to search for other places to be than this passive-aggression-filled cesspool of emotions of a house I'm stuck in right now. Whether it's a job, or uni, or some other way of getting myself out of the house and away from my functionally-retarded family, I don't care. The time I spend alone in the house when everyone else is out is the best time I've spent recently. I eat everything, play piano, sing songs and monologue mindlessly to my heart's content, without the fear of being heard or judged by others. I realize I probably won't get to do that often, particularly when my later life comes around, so I really try to savor it.

Is it weird to absolutely love to a stupid extent the idea of being completely alone, that you're in an isolated-enough situation where your actions are neither seen by nor affect anyone in the entire universe?

To your last point, no. I'm going to assume you are an introvert. A person with a rich inner life who prefers to have a close circle of acquaintances and a closer circle of friends. There are many advantages to having this trait in a business/educational setting. People will listen to what you have to say because you don't fill everyone's ears with small talk or display questionable judgment every chance you get. Being detached has its advantages; namely you don't rush into wasting money/resources or advising your employers to make frivolous expenditures. In an educational setting it's more difficult because western universities subscribe to the "group think" ideal, causing them to value group work, joining extracurricular activities, and anything that falls under the category of "getting involved".

When people around me enter into meltdown mode is when I personally have to bring out my extroverted qualities. This involves speaking in multiple sentences, holding someone's mental hand as I walk them through my train of thought, assuring them along the way that I'm not 100% detached from the crisis but would prefer to calmly see all the bases get covered without forgetting anything.

In my opinion you should take selected passages from the posts here and prepare a brief statement to present at those maligned family meetings.