Single Status Update
Sorry in advance for this post, friends... shit's heavy. Feel free to skip.Spoiler
My custom title is looking more inappropriate by the day. I just can't cope right now. What's the point of anything anymore.
Since she left us, I've just been dithering around helplessly like a zombie, unable to find joy in almost anything. I go to bed with a heart that feels ready to collapse, and wake up with a bottomless pit in my stomach that food doesn't fill. Recently I thought I was rounding a corner, but a 2.5 hour conversation with my dad just now proved that I have absolutely no battle plan here, in any respect. The fault is entirely mine.
There are so many more problems in my life rearing their heads right now than just the grief I'm going through. Having outlined them here, these are problems that for the most part still persist to this day - nearly a year after that post was made - and that's kind of just the starting point of it all.
I've been terribly nonchalant about my lifestyle, and it is now biting me in the back hard. I know things could be much worse - don't even go there. I recognise that I've been privileged enough for my family to have helped me do nearly everything, but at this point they can't give much more. On my own, I'm a practically useless individual. No life skills whatsoever. If there's something worse than not having a family, it's having one but feeling completely fucking unable to help them in any capacity. And I've been casually cruising along, ignoring this for so long, that I've just hit an inevitable dead end - and now realise that I've forgotten how to drive. Any possible way out just seems deathly inaccessible.
- I've been ambitiously creative my whole life, but now that attitude seems all but gone. Music doesn't come to me as easily anymore - I think that last 30in30 project I did bled me dry - and that was 2 fucking years ago, now. Plus the market is saturated and intimidating, if the last 4 years of uni have taught me anything - that and the local music scene sucks over here. (It really feels like there's no hope for me in Western Australia, tbh. I'm miles away from anything and everyone I care about and that includes Australians.)
- Graphic design is something I guess I could do as a fallback but I don't have any professional tools and frankly cannot do anything photo-manipulation-oriented, which at a guess is where the real money is.
- Game development - i.e. continuing to work painstakingly on Square E2 and E3 - would seem to be my only option, but it'll drive me further into a hermit-like lifestyle and over-reliance on my family for food and shelter. And I'm not really in the best state to be doing anything creative right now, anyway. And it won't pay me, or anyone else.
- I actually still can't drive. Can't afford lessons right now, anyway.
I feel like I've got nothing left. Having practically no money, very high social anxiety, and a hesitancy to pursue anything that might be the slightest bit risky, there's a multitude of seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my way... and I know I'm the only one who can overcome them, but now, my best friend and pretty much only point of sanity in this world is fucking dead. If she's not around to enjoy life, and the quagmire of my problems is the only thing that I'm left facing, then quite frankly, what's the use.
Before anyone suggests it, yes, I'm going to a therapist, on the 18th, but again, what's the use. I can't pretend to want to cling on anymore.
I'm not suicidal, I'd never take my own life, but I honestly feel like disappearing. The world just seems so loveless and superficial now, and I can't stand the stupid mess that I've let pile up around me. Again, it's all my fault.
Just take me back to the womb, already, I want to start over.
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It often seems like life is cruelest to the best people.
I reiterate what others have said: you bring joy to more people than you can imagine. Never give up on yourself or your dreams. Perhaps take a break from Doomworld, clear your head. When you come back, we will be there with open arms.
Thank you, Doomworld.
I would reply to each and every one of you here, especially those who have PM'd me in light of this status, but the words are very hard to find right now. I appreciate every single word typed, though. I don't know if I was ever quite aware of the sheer amount of love this community is able to reciprocate. I do love you guys. There's so much talent and cooperation and dedication to the craft here. The Doom community is clearly an amazing place and an invaluable pillar of support.
Life sucks hard right now, and my next step is still extremely unclear to me. I have a great many things I want to get out of life that I've deprived myself of for too long, and honestly, I also want to escape Australia as soon as humanly possible - maybe go to Finland or somewhere like it, some place with an actually good economy and more-than-decent education. It'd be on my terms entirely, with no family there to want to do everything for me.
I also want (and very much need) a good steady job. Any kind of stable income. I also want a girlfriend, and truthfully I really deeply want a family of my own - any kind of meaningful companionship will give me a reason to get up in the morning and make something of my damn self, something a special someone provided me for five long years. It's becoming less and less ignorable as time goes on, and particularly the last couple years have felt very lonely... maybe a partner at this point will help me power through this. Or maybe it'll reinforce my sheer dependency on other people. I truly don't know what the future wants for me. Maybe I won't get one. It... hardly seems worth pursuing one if she never got one... ;_;
Before I get choked up again, let me thank you all again. I've got to somehow clamber out of this pit that I've dug myself into, and that could take me fucking years, but... so be it. With the reassurance of a whole community behind me, maybe it won't be so hard. But clearly I need some hardship or I simply won't grow. It helps to get through it while knowing I'm not completely alone, though. You guys truly are allies, like the friends I never really had. So much love, guys. ;_;
I've been humming music from Jenesis and Plutonia 2 in my head for days. I haven't even played it recently, it's just that good and makes me think about the good feelings when playing Doom.
You may not realize you have an impact on all of us but you really do, even if it's subconcious and you don't actually get to see real evidence of it. If you gotta take a break for a little bit to focus on some real shit, thats what you gotta do. Give until it feels good, not until it hurts. People say that these really low bottoms need to exist because they make the greatness in life feel so much more significant. It's really bad now but when it gets better it's gonna be fuckin awesome. If you need some Jimmy time to cope with this, by all means, take it! We'll be here when you get back and we'll still think the best of you.