Here's one -


FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY !!!!!!!!


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all
the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."


The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!!!

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An American, an Englishman and an Australian walk into a bar. And the bartender looks over at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"



Badum - tish

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Amazon reviews for this great American invention: AutoExec - WM-01 - Wheelmate Steering Wheel Desk Tray - Gray -


1,440 of 1,491 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars I loved this so much I got one for my 90yr old mother, October 29, 2009
By S. Kelly - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: AutoExec - WM-01 - Wheelmate Steering Wheel Desk Tray - Gray -
I loved my Laptop Steering Wheel Desk so much I got one for my 90yr old mother. She is an avid crossword puzzle fan and now she can work on them while she is driving back and forth from bingo at the senior center. One cautionary note be careful of those jerks that stop at yellow lights, my poor mother rear ended one and the airbag drove the desk back into her stomach which ruptured her spleen, well after a short down time I'm glad to say she is back on the road and cranking out those NY Times crosswords once again. Thanks Laptop Steering Wheel Desk you have made my mothers life more complete.


Steering Wheel Tray reviews
;D

EDIT: Badum - tish

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Two elephants and a snake fell off a cliff...

Badum - tish?

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st.alfonzo said:

Two elephants and a snake fell off a cliff...

Badum - tish?


Please can you learn to take my JOKE thread a bit more SERIOUSLY. ;)

Badum - tish

(sorry, that was a lame one)

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Any objections to blonde jokes?

Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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I shouldn't have read that joke in a crowded school library **

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An old couple was sitting on a veranda, sitting on their rocking chairs. The wife said to the husband 'fuck you'. The husband promptly replied 'fuck you too'. Again, she said 'fuck you' and he again replied, 'fuck you too'. The wife then said 'I don't think much of this oral sex... Do you?'

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I'm coming."

badum tishhhhhhh

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Two niggaz be takin' a leak down da Golden Gate bridge, knowhatumsayin?

And un of dem be sayin' to da otha:

"Yo man, dis here water be chillin'!"

And da otha nigga then be sayin':

"Werd up, dawg. And da bottom be all full of gravel!"

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I know the most racist joke of all time:


What did Hitler say to the black jew?


"Get to the back of the oven."

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So there were three construction workers working on the new WTC building. On their lunch break, they're sitting there eating and kind of bored, so one of them says "see that pile of bricks over there? I bet I could throw one further than anyone."

"Oh yeah?" says another one. "Let's make a it bet."

"Yeah," says the third. "You're on!"

So the first guy grabs a brick and chucks it across the entire construction site.

"Not bad," says the second one, "but watch this!" So he grabs another brick and throws it. It flies out of his hand and arcs gracefully right over the Empire State Building.

The first construction worker is humbled, but the third one is unimpressed. "Ha!" he says, "that ain't nothing!" So he grabs another brick and launches it into the air. It flies, higher, and higher, way over the Empire State Building, and far above New York. So far that they don't even see it anymore.

"Wow, that was impressive," say the other two. "I guess you win."\

***

So at a hotel somewhere in America, three men are checking in. The first man is from Canada and says to the clerk "I'm going to need a wake up call at aboot six tomorrow. Would that be fine, eh?"

"Yes sir!" says the clerk. "Would you also like some fresh sheets on your bed?"

"Oh, that would be great, eh?" says the Canadian.

Then the next man, from England, comes up to the counter and checks in. "Would it be too much to ask for a spot of tea from room service, old bean?"

"No sir!" said the clerk. "Would you also like fresh sheets on your bed?"

"Oh jolly good! That would be lovely!" says the Englishman.

Then the third man, from Mexico walks up to the clerk. "Senor, I would like to check in."

"Good, good" says the clerk. Would you like fresh sheets on your bed?"

The Mexican replies, "NO, IF YOU SHEET ON MY BED, I WILL KEEEEEL YOU!!!"

***

So three guys are flying over the city in a plane. One of them says "hey, lets toss stuff out of the plane and see where it lands!"

So the first guy tosses and orange out. The second guy tosses an apple. The third guy whips out a bomb and drops it. "Dude, what the fuck did you do that for?" the other two ask. The third guy just shrugs.

So they land the plane and the first guy walks down the road to where he dropped his orange. He sees a little girl crying. "What's wrong?" he asks her.

"An orange fell from the sky and killed my kitty!" she sobs.

Meanwhile, the second guy is walking down the street to where he dropped the apple. He sees another little girl crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"An apple fell from the sky and killed my daddy!" she cries.

Thn the third guy walks to where he dropped the bomb. It's rather easy to find due to the smoldering remains of a building lying there. Out in front is a little girl in tears, laughing. "What happened?" he asks. "What's so funny?"

"Hahahaha," she says between gasps for air. "I farted and my house blew up!"

***

An Pollock, a priest, and Bill Clinton are walking down the beach. Bill Clinton turns to the priest and says "bless me father for I have sinned".

The priest replies, "what is your confession, my-" Then he dies when a brick falls from the sky and smashes his head in.

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Here are some of the "Jewish" jokes that are popular in Greece (Borat would be proud):

***

How did the police manage to track down the Jewish pedophile?

Simple, he approached children in the park whispering "Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"

***

How do they call the most snobbish Jew ever?

Lux! (note: it's a brand of soap)

****

How do you call a Jewish chorus?

Soap Opera!

***

Two SS Officers are taking a walk in a concentration camp

"Hey Hans" says one "the air smells very sweet today, like caramel! What's cooking?"

"Oh nothing special. Today we got a batch of diabetics."

***

In recent years, a tour bus carrying a group of Jewish tourists to Auschwitz for a memorial visit, breaks down some 10 km before the former camp. The driver asks everybody to calm down and goes to seek for a house where he could find a phone or something.

He walks about half a mile and finds a small, lone house in the middle of the countryside.

He knocks on the door, and an old lady opens up

"Hi there, I have a bus full of Jews I'm taking to Auschwitz, but the bus broke down and I need to take them there on time. Can you help me out here?"

"I would but...how could I ever, sonny? All I have is a measly microwave oven".

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Kyka said:

An American, an Englishman and an Australian walk into a bar. And the bartender looks over at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"



Badum - tish

Calculus professor said that one this morning in class, but slightly different: A priest, a monk and a rabbi....

4Ooz's joke gets the funney award.

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^ real moral is: When your girlfriend's family pulls something like that, get the hell out.

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I guess it's cool he passed the test and gets to get married, he's definitely not going to get to fuck his fiance's sister though.

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The following is hevaily paraphrased:

Two Mexicans are walking in the desert near the american border.
Pepe says: I'm Hengry, where ees some food to et?
Pedro said: I don't knows, but leet's find a Bacon Tree.

They walk some more in the desert, when they see a tree in the distance.

Pepe: Oh, look, a Bacon Tree!
Pedro: No, that ees no Bacon Tree!

When Pedro walsk up to it, and Gun Turret with an American FLag pops up and shoots him. Pedro crawls back and says:

That's no Bacon Tree, eet's an Ham-Bush!!

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I know that technically that this isn't exactly a forwarded joke... but I nearly died laughing when I watched it. Nothing funnier than watching a stupid kid getting flamed over Youtube. :P

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DuckReconMajor said:

^ real moral is: When your girlfriend's family pulls something like that, get the hell out.

But bang the sister first.

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A guy walks into a bar with a paper bag in his hand and sits down. The guy reveals from the bag a miniature piano, a small bench to go with the piano, and a tiny man, about a foot tall dressed all formally. The tiny man sits down and begins playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy. The bartender couldn't believe his eyes.

"How did you do that?" the bartender questioned. Immediately afterwards the guy pulls out a lamp.

"If you rub this lamp, a genie comes out and grants you a wish."

"You gotta be shitting me." the bartender retorted.

"No really, give it a try" the guy insisted. This piqued the bartender's interest and he decided to give it a go. He rubbed the lamp gently and the genie appeared before his eyes prepared to grant him his one wish. The bartender was floored.

"You get one wish! What'll it be?" the genie announced.

"I wish I had a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted" the genie nodded his head, and in a brief second vaporized and returned to the lamp. Shortly afterwards, there was a quacking sound. A duck enters the bar, followed by additional quacking sounds. Another duck enters the bar. Then another. Pretty soon the entire bar begins to fill up with ducks. The bartender was not amused.

"Umm. I think your genie friend here is a little deaf. I said a million bucks not a million ducks!" the bartender shouted in a skeptical tone. The guy, expressionless, responded.

"No kidding. Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

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"A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for.

He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

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what does panda do when the forest is burning?










burns too

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A man goes on a ocean military voyage. He ask what do you do for sex around here since we are all men. Another man replies we have this thing where a guy sits in a barrel and puts his ass up to a hole. This way there no direct contact and we are to go about our business.
You can use it every day but thursday.

Two days pass the man grows tired of no sex and ask to use the barrel for sex. Another man says you cant its thursday, Its your turn in the barrel!

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DeathevokatioN said:

he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!!!


So he's gay and Rich. OKay not bad. But THREE boyfriends? At once? Doesn't this dad care his son is a whore?

Oh, and here's I found in my inbox somewhere:

There were pictures, but they were just 9/11 towers goin' kaboom and stuff.



You might be interested in this forgotten bit of

information.



It was 1987. At a lecture, an old news video was playing of
Lt. Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra
hearings during the Reagan
administration.



There was Ollie in front of God and country getting
the third degree, but what he said was stunning!



He was being drilled by a
senator: “Did you not recently spend close to
$60,000 for a home security
system?”



Ollie replied, “Yes, I did, sir.”



The senator
continued, trying to get a laugh out of the
audience, “Isn't that just a little
excessive?”



“No, sir,” continued Ollie.



“No? And why not?” the
senator asked.



“Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir.”



“Threatened? By whom?” the senator questioned.


“By a
terrorist, sir,” Ollie answered.



“Terrorist? What terrorist could
possibly scare you that much?”



“His name is Osama bin Laden, sir,” Ollie replied.



At this point the senator tried to repeat the name,
but couldn't pronounce it; most people back then
probably couldn't. A couple
of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued.
“Why are you so afraid of this man?” the senator asked.



“Because, sir, he is the most
evil person alive that I know of,” Ollie answered.





“And
what do you recommend we do about him?” asked the
senator.



“Well, sir,
if it was up to me, I would recommend that an
assassin team be formed to
eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth.”



The senator
disagreed with this approach, and that was all that
was shown of the clip.







That senator was Al Gore!



Also:

Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel
in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993,
Israel had to agree to release
so-called “political prisoners.”



However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American
president at the time, Bill Clinton,
and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, insisted that all prisoners be released.



Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked
us by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade
Center. This was reported
by many American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified.

It was censored in the US from all
later reports.





If you agree that the American public should be made
aware of this fact, pass this on.

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