DoomUK said:

I expected a "FORCED AND PAINFUL" reference. Maes, I am disappoint.


I get plenty of those after eating extremely spicy noodles (four peppers out of four) all week long, don't "worry". Every time feels like Revelation.

Strangely, in the Army I had very little problems with my manly, military dumps: squat toilets make for a more natural function, it seems. Mama homeland knows what's best for you, apparently.

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Stroggos said:

This one is twisted. So don't say I didn't warn you.

What's the best thing about the new Batman film?

Spoiler

Audience participation.

holy FUCK dude! I know you warned us and shit but holy FUCK!

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yukib1t said:

> I'm a sports bottle.

Me too.

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Miss Teacher: Kids, if there are two little birdies on a tree, and a hunter shoots one of them, how many little birdies will be left?
Toto: None, miss!
Miss Teacher: None, how?
Toto: Because the other one will have heard the shot and flown away
Miss Teacher: Toto, this is simply arithmetics, there will be one bird left. But I like the way you think.
Todo: May I ask something too, Miss Teacher? on a park bench there are three ladies eating ice cream. One licks it, the other one bites it, and the other one shoves it all in. Which one is married?
Miss Teacher: (blushing) ...the one that shoves it all in?
Toto: No Miss, it's the one wearing a ring. But I like the way you think.

Variation:

Toto: tell me Miss Teacher, what is long, straight, white, and red at the tip?
Miss Teacher: *blushes* Toto! I won't answer that! Aren't you asamed?
Toto: it's the match, miss. But I like the way you think.

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Hellbent said:

holy FUCK dude! I know you warned us and shit but holy FUCK!

Now you know the shock we feel when reading your driving threads.

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my grandpa on my singing: "somebody oughta feed that cat"

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Have a joke, needs audience participation.

Someone ask me if I'm a tree.

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Hellbent said:

holy FUCK dude! I know you warned us and shit but holy FUCK!


I knew that warning was well founded... Perhaps a bit too soon on my part there.

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Clonehunter said:

Have a joke, needs audience participation.

Someone ask me if I'm a tree.


Clonehunter, are you a tree?

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Stroggos said:

I knew that warning was well founded... Perhaps a bit too soon on my part there.


There is no "too soon" on things like that. :D

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A man is walking on the sidewalk when his eyes fall upon a sign sticking out of a neighbors lawn.

"FOR SALE: TALKING DOG - $10"

This piqued the man's interest and his curiosity got the best of him. He walks up the neighbor's front door and rings the door bell. The neighbor answers the door.

"Hi, there."

"Hi, I couldn't help but notice the sign on your front yard, may I see your talking dog?"

The neighbor directs the man around the house to the backyard. The man walks around and sees a dog gnawing on a bone in the backyard. The man inquires.

"So... You're the talking dog, huh?"

"Sure am!"

The dog response. The man and the dog begin shooting a breeze, and the dog told stories about how he's an ex-CIA agent, and has traveled over seas and single handedly assassinated international terrorists and dictators. The man was amazed at what he had just witnessed and returned to the front of the house and rang the door bell again. The neighbor answers the door.

"Your talking dog is amazing! How can you be selling him for $10??"

The neighbor shakes his head.

"The dog is full of shit. He was never in the CIA."

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40oz said:
A man walks into a bar carrying a paper bag, and sits down at the counter [...]

Heh, the funny thing about this one is that I was actually expecting deer to walk into the bar at the end, not ducks.

st.alfonzo said:
Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

dew said:
přijde retard do bordelu a ptá se bordelmamá:
"honíte tu čuráky?"
"no samozřejmě."
"tak si mě chyťtě."

"¿Sabés por qué le dicen monzón a esa gran tormenta todos los años en Asia?"

"¡Porque pega tan fuerte como cuando te la pone el campeón!"

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hallo, hallo. this is radio yerevan speaking. it is 5 am and comrade brezhnev has finished his morning number one.

hallo, hallo. this is radio yerevan speaking. it is 6 am and comrade brezhnev has finished his morning number two.

hallo, hallo. this is radio yerevan speaking. it is 7 am and comrade brezhnev has woken up.

--

soviet scientists have managed to defeat the imperialists once again. they've bred corn like telegraph poles - as high and as far apart.

--

(another commie era one) the journalists ask a gypsy:
"Fero, what would you do if they opened the border to the West?"
"i'd climb on a tree."
"and why is that?"
"so i wouldn't get trampled!"
"and Fero, what would you do if they opened the border to the East?"
"i'd climb on a tree."
"and why is that?"
"so i'd see the dumb idiot going there!"

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How did the black man cross the Atlantic?
He did not. He drowned.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by the bus.

What's worse than a worm in an apple?
Holocaust.

Why did the black man die?
Because he was the victim of a race-hate gang related attack.

There was a blonde a brunette and a redhead on a plane. Mid-flight, both of the engines caught fire and there was nowhere to land. Luckily there were enough parachutes on board for everyone. As the captain passed them out, he told everyone that they could only take one item with them. The brunette told the others: "I am going to take my cellphone so I can get a hold of my family to let them know I am okay." The redhead said: "I am going to bring my-" but before she could finish her sentence, the fire in the engine melted through the cutoff valve in the fuel line. The explosion of the line lead to the fuel tanks, causing both wings to explode. There were no survivors.

Clonehunter said:

No.


Are you sure?

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Processingcontrol said:

So then why'd you tell us to ask if you were a tree?


That's the joke. Badum tish. Hah, hah, ha.

Yes, that's a fake laugh you jerk.

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Q. How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. No

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TO : ALL EMPLOYEES

FR : MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGHT INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

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"Hellbent walks into a bar..."

alternatively:

"Sodaholic posts a new thread..."

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Why did [PROTOTYPE] put a swiss army knife in his pocket?

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

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A gypsy was driving his overloaded Datsun pickup truck* down a bumpy country road. The gypsy and his wife rode in the cabin, while their 12 or so kids and the potatoes were at the back. On one particular nasty bump, something falls off the truck. "Hey" said the gypsy's wife, "I think we dropped one of the kids". "Never mind", said the gypsy, "we'll make another one".

* Because in Greece, gypsies HAVE to drive Datsun pickup trucks overloaded with various crap, usually potatoes, watermelons, plastic furniture or scrap/junk, see image for believing)

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Maes said:

Why did [PROTOTYPE] put a swiss army knife in his pocket?

Because Maes spammed DMCHOSHO one too many times.

Final answer.

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