Linguica fired me
With all this talk about Doom 3 and Dima and a press beta on the 11th, I figured it was time to get some answers. And I decided to get those answers straight from the source. I headed down to id Software headquarters in Dallas, Texas, and met with the main man himself, Johnny "J-dawg" Carmack.
prower: Hey, John! It's great to finally meet one of the heroes of the gaming world!
John Carmack: Huh? Who let you in here? Get out of my office at once!
p: Take it easy, John. I'm just here to ask a few questions.
JC: Well, okay, but make it quick. I haven't masturbated since noon, and I'd like to get started on that "side project" pretty soon. [Ed. note: the interview took place at 12:45, to the best of my recollection]
p: Sure thing, John. Firstly, certain "people" (uses fingers to pantomime quotes in the air) claim that their "sources" (again with the pantomiming) claim that there will be an exclusive "beta" of your new "game" for the "press".
JC: Well, obviously. It's id tradition to release betas and demos of our games, both to the press and the public.
p: So, is August 11th the confirmed date for the press-beta... thing?
JC: (laughs) August 11th? You're kidding me. Right now our progress on Doom 3 has been minimal, at best. So far our main obstacle is getting Todd Hollenstead out of his alcohol addiction. Graeme Divine is spending way too much time with Anna Kang [ Carmack's girlfriend - Ed. ], and because of that, I'm smoking more crack and injecting more heroin than I've ever been.
p: I see. If you've accomplished so little on the project, then why did the Doom 3 tech showcase at Macworld look so classy and polished?
JC: (starts giggling, then slowly, his laughter transmutates into a hellish, demonic laughter. After several minutes of evil laughter, he dramatically pauses, then coughs) As I was saying, the Doom 3 demo was just something Kevin Cloud [artist at id] made in 3d Studio Max in his spare time. To hype up the game, we just used that and said "hey, it's Doom 3!", knowing very well that the fanboys would drool all over it.
p: What's in store for us in the upcoming Doom?
JC: We're going to collaborate with 3D Realms, so expert the game to have lots of boobs, tits, knockers and jugs, as well as aliens, blood, the ability to sever limbs off people, and toast them with flamethrowers. And we're going to steal lines from Bruce Campbell for the Doom guy's one-liners.
p: Are there going to be any Doom monsters returning to the sequel?
JC: Uh, I don't know, I don't actually do work on the game. I just code the engine. Um, sure, I'll throw an imp or two in there, if it makes the fanboys happy.
p: What about the rumours that John Romero is going to help with this project?
JC: John Romero is currently locked in the basement of id's offices, being forced to do level design 24/7 while being compensated at minimum wage. When his levels suck, we get Todd [Hollenstead] to whip him, so I guarantee that Doom 3 will have some of the best level design there is!
p: Will Doom 3 have any piracy detection?
JC: The Doom 3 source code actually contains a bit of code which emits a small amount of nitroglycerin onto your hard drive. If the game is found to be pirated, well, your computer blows up. Then the id MiBs go to your house and rape your mother.
p: Sounds like fun. Well, John, thanks for your time.
At that point, I got up to shake his hand. Instead of returning the shake, he unzipped his pants and started jacking off. I stormed out of the building, disgusted.
And that's my exclusive interview with John Carmack. I hope that clears up some of the questions you guys have about Doom 3!