Put a joke here!

hello everyone;
this thread is only for jokes, so feel free to write...here's one i found in a website:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Three guys were at an open casket funeral. The first guy says to the other two.

"There's a tradition in my family that if you leave money in one's casket, it will aid them in the afterlife."

That said, the first guy takes out his wallet puts a ten dollar bill in the casket and steps aside. The second guy walks up to the casket, takes his wallet out, and puts a ten dollar bill in the casket as well. The third guy, who has a reputation for being cheap approaches the casket, and the first two look at him.

"What? You don't think I'm gonna put money in the casket? I'll give him twenty!"

The third guy then takes out his checkbook, writes a check for $40, signs it, and places it in the casket, and takes the two tens as change.

Two guys were hiking in the woods, when the first guy steps over a poisonous snake unexpectedly. The snake then lunges up and bites the guy on the rear end. The second guy panics as his friend drops to the ground, sweating and gasping for breath.

"Hold on! I'm going to go get help!"

The guy retreats to civilization and finds the town's only doctor. The guy explains the situation to the doctor and the doctor responds.

"To save your friend, you need to put your lips on the bite wound and suck the venom out before it gets too far into his blood stream."

The guy then runs back to the woods to find his friend, still wheezing and bright red.

"I went into town and found a doctor. He said you're going to die."

"I didn't know what you'd like to have as a gift for christmas, so I got you this gun. Now you can get anything you want."

A man walks into a bar carrying a paper bag, and sits down at the counter in front of the bartender. The man then stands up and produces a miniature piano from the bag, a tiny bench, and a small formally-dressed man, about a foot tall. The tiny man then sits down on the bench and begins playing Mozart. The bartender is amazed.

"Wow! Where the heck did you find him!?"

The man, unimpressed, responds.

"I wished for him with the genie inside this magic lamp."

The man pulls out an oil lamp from the bag. The bartender is dubious.

"Yeah right."

"Go ahead, try it. Give it a rub."

The bartender then sets down the glass he was cleaning, takes the lamp, rubs it gently with his hand. The lamp shakes erratically, and a genie bursts out.

"You may have one wish!"

The bartender is appalled, but is quickly withdrawn with a feeling a complete satisfaction as he decides what his one wish is.

"I wish I had a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted!"

The genie then disintegrates into a puff of smoke and returns to the lamp. The bartender anxiously awaits his fortune, when the two hear a quacking noise. The front door opens up and a duck walks into the bar. The quacking continues as another duck enters the bar. And then another duck enters, and another. Pretty soon the whole bar starts filling up with ducks. The bartender looks at the guy and says.

"Uh, I think your genie is a little deaf. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The man, rather frustrated, retorts.

"I know, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

I farted, and for some reason it tired me out. I was exhuasted. I did manage to fart again though; I got a second wind.

A construction worker is at the highest floor of an unfinished office building and is beginning to lay out the supports for the next floor, but all the lumber is in different sizes so he needs a hand saw to cut them all to size, but there is none in sight. The construction worker looks over the edge and sees another construction worker on the ground looking at blue prints. The worker calls.

"Hey I need a hand saw!"

The worker gets the others attention, but with the jackhammers and cement mixers nearby, he can't clearly hear what he's saying. The worker responds by putting his hand up to his ear, motioning that he cannot hear him. The worker on the top floor then decides he will speak in some basic sign language.

The construction worker points to his eyeball saying I, then lifts up his leg and points to his knee, saying need, then motions his fist back and forth doing the pantomime of a saw cutting wood, saying a handsaw.

The worker at ground level then gives a thumbs up to confirm that he understood him. Then he unzips his pants, gets on his knees and begins masturbating furiously.

The worker above is absolutely disgusted, runs down the steps and approaches the worker at ground level.

"What the hell is the matter with you!? I was trying to tell you I need a handsaw!"

The other worker rolls his eyes.

"I know, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

How many coffin-bearers do you need for a funeral in Bronx/Harlem?

Six. Four for the coffin, and two for the boombox.

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?

Cracker with cheese.

*crickets*

since this is the thread for bad jokes, I guess I will contribute a couple:

What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kgs. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor on phone to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."


Having lost his donkey, Sardarji got down to his knees and thanked God.
A passerby saw this and asked,
"Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?"
Sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

přijde retard do bordelu a ptá se bordelmamá:
"honíte tu čuráky?"
"no samozřejmě."
"tak si mě chyťtě."

What did the blind, deaf, poor orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

A woman gets into a really bad car accident. Her husband rushes from work over to the hospital.

The doctor comes out to greet him, and he says, "Sorry sir, it's really bad news. Your wife was in a horrible car accident. Her face and body are totally mangled; she'll be crippled and paralyzed from the neck down... She's going to need 24-hour care, of which your insurance is not going to pay for. You're going to have to wash her, and feed her, and keep turning her over in case she gets bed sores and rubbing ointment on her. You'll have to change her constantly because she'll have no control over her bladder or bowels."

And the man breaks down crying. Overwhelmed by the news he has heard, he utters, "Doc, this is horrible!"

And the doctor places a hand on the man's shoulder and reassures him, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead!"

My brother once took a shit that was several feet long, all coiled around in a single piece like a brown python filling up the entire toilet. He ran out to get me with his pants around his ankles and his ass still shitty just to show me and take pictures.
In the end we had to use the dog's pooper scooper to shovel it into a paper bag and burn it in the back yard because the toilet couldn't handle its dominance.

He was awesome. He was caring and kind, he eased me down gently, and he filled my mouth with exactly what it needed. Though he drilled deep, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I almost enjoyed it! He even got me a drink afterwards! Man, my dentist sure knew how to give great oral... SURGERY.

> Be me
> Running with my girl
> She's so hot
> We stop running
> She looks at me
> Licks her lips
> It's go time
> She clutches my body
> She smiles at me
> I'm naked at this point
> She wraps her lips around my tip
> She starts sucking
> feelsgoodman.jpg
> I start shooting into her mouth
> She swallows it all
> She squeezes me again
> I shoot on her face and hair until I can't anymore
> She's so naughty
> We're in public
> Nobody minds
> "Delicious" she says
> She goes over to a water fountain
> Fills me up
> Can't wait until she stops again
> I'm a sports bottle.

Hell's Vendetta said:

My brother once took a shit that was several feet long, all coiled around in a single piece like a brown python filling up the entire toilet. He ran out to get me with his pants around his ankles and his ass still shitty just to show me and take pictures.
In the end we had to use the dog's pooper scooper to shovel it into a paper bag and burn it in the back yard because the toilet couldn't handle its dominance.

I think I may have missed the punchline.

Why couldn't the blond make ice?




She forgot the recipe.




Ha...haha...ha?

This one is twisted. So don't say I didn't warn you.

What's the best thing about the new Batman film?

Two Americans and a Mexican are on a road trip through California. They stop at a motel that just cleaned all the rooms, so the beds are bare. The clerk asks the first American how many sheets he wants on his bed.
"One," he replies. The clerk asks the second American the same question.
"Two," he replies. Then the clerk asks the Mexican, "How many sheets would you like on your bed?"
"Señor, if you sheet in my bed I will keel you."

Q: How can you tell when a woman is enjoying sex?
A: Who cares?

Here's a Deaf joke. Well just to clarify, you don't need to be deaf to enjoy it. Basically, the punchline is used as a deaf slang to indicate utter stupidity. Like, *point at stupid person and insert sign and roll eyes* It's usually told by hand, so I'll try my best to put it all in written words.

So there's two deaf blokes working on a farm slumming away in the dirt and hay in the middle of nowhere, nearby a nicely designed modern manison. Then one said to the other, "why is that rich bloke with his big fancy house so rich, and we have to do all the dirty work?" "I don't know, why don't you go over and ask him?" "Okay then, I will mate!"

So one goes over to the big manison, and finds the rich deaf bloke on the front porch sipping on a freshly made Mojito. "Hey! Mind explaining why you're so rich and fancy, and us poor blokes have to do the dirty work for you?" The rich man replied "Sure, let me explain. It's because you have no common sense." "Huh, do explain more!" "Not a problem, come over here." Both are now standing next to a wall. The rich man puts his hand out and said "Now, I want you to punch my hand." So the poor bloke did. As soon as he swung his fist, the rich man pulled away his hand, and the poor man ended up punching the wall instead and hurt himself. "OW, fuck, that hurt!" The rich man smiled and said "There you go, common sense, and you don't have it. Now get back to work."

The poor bloke goes back to the other bloke and said, "I get it now, he said we're poor because we have no common sense." "Huh, whatever that means?" So the bloke is looking around, standing in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mud and hay, trying to work out how to replicate the rich man's practical example. Suddenly he had an idea, and moved his hand to his face, palm facing outwards. "Punch my hand!"

Sodaholic said:

Anything

yukib1t said:

> Be me
> Running with my girl
> She's so hot
> We stop running
> She looks at me
> Licks her lips
> It's go time
> She clutches my body
> She smiles at me
> I'm naked at this point
> She wraps her lips around my tip
> She starts sucking
> feelsgoodman.jpg
> I start shooting into her mouth
> She swallows it all
> She squeezes me again
> I shoot on her face and hair until I can't anymore
> She's so naughty
> We're in public
> Nobody minds
> "Delicious" she says
> She goes over to a water fountain
> Fills me up
> Can't wait until she stops again
> I'm a sports bottle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZJDuMQdY_E

I just feel like this has something to do with your joke. I think everyone in here agrees this is a great song, right, guys?

Hell's Vendetta said:

My brother once took a shit that was several feet long, all coiled around in a single piece like a brown python filling up the entire toilet. He ran out to get me with his pants around his ankles and his ass still shitty just to show me and take pictures.

AWESOME!!!

I once saw (but not shat myself, fortunately) a turd that was "only" 30 cm long, but had a diameter like that of an average drinking glass. I can't quite imagine the pains that went into its creation.

Hell's Vendetta said:

In the end we had to use the dog's pooper scooper to shovel it into a paper bag and burn it in the back yard because the toilet couldn't handle its dominance.

Disposable shit-breaking sticks ;-) Ask me how I know :eek:

Maes said:

AWESOME!!!

I once saw (but not shat myself, fortunately) a turd that was "only" 30 cm long, but had a diameter like that of an average drinking glass. I can't quite imagine the pains that went into its creation.

I expected a "FORCED AND PAINFUL" reference. Maes, I am disappoint.