Bodily Injuries

I forgot some of the better stuff that happened to me.

(09) My oldest brother stuck a fan blade on a 2 horse power motor and was blowing around paper peices when the blade touched the floor and broke apart, sending a large chunk of dull plastic into my lips. It was offset to the right, so I didn't get my nose cot in half. It was about an inch down from my eye and went down an inch past my lower lip. I needed a pla$tic surgeon to fix my mouth, and couldn't eat anything but soop for a month.
(12) I was at the doctors office, went outside and decided I didn't want somebody to see my or something, so I ducked behind a rock wall that happened to have a sharp rock sticking out right where me head came down. Scar.
(14) Brother slammed my hand in a car door. I was pissed, and thought it cracked a few bones.
(15) We went to a hotel and I was running through the halls, half imagining it was Doom. The family was heading to the resteraunt and I had lagged behind. I started to run, took a turn and there was a 8 or 10 step stairway in front of me. Before I could think of what to do I was hurling myself into the air. I hit my head on the overhang and fell sensless. When I came to, Carnage was stooping over me and a bellboy was glaring at me, because I had knocked a peice of the ceiling out. I got up, put the ceiling back in, and walked away. The impact cut my scalp, and probably would've cut a big peice off if I had a short haircut.

Heh, this very keyboard injured me yesterday. Damn thing had slid a little off the desk, and as I got up to go take a squeege, I somehow managed to run my stomach into it. Ow.

Me and my friends do all sorts of Jackass-like stuff.

A friend hit me in the face with a baseball bat (I told him to).

The same friend hit me with garbage can (Again, I told him to).

Then he hit me with a folding chair (Yep, I told him to do that, too).

One of my other friends also hit me with a garbage can.

Yesterday I was standing on a chair and that same friend knocked my feet out from under me by grabbing the clothes line and running, making it knock me off the chair.

That same friend also bashed a NES game off the garage floor and it bounced up and hit me in the testicles.

I like to abuse my testicles.

I set my arm on fire with some bug spary and a lighter.

I mutilate my arms with scissors, knives, pencils, etc.

I have tons of scars and brusies from backyard wrestling.

Jumped off my trampoline and bruised all the ribs on my right side.

Slammed the car door on my thumb.

Got kicked in the face by my little brother.

Some guy beat the hell out of me, then I laughed at him (I usually laugh when I get hurt).

Got powerbombed through a matress suspended a foot or so in the air by folding chairs.

I have the imprint of someone's shoe on the back of my neck.

Hit in the head by one of those huge metal flashlights.

KingKill, you absolutly need to go take the IQ test hellbent linked to, I think you may have a new record =]

I've never really had any bad injuries, which is kind of a suprise. The worst scar I have is from jumpung a ramp on my bike, falling sideways, ans skidding across the road on my elbow and head. Luckily, I had that funny little device called a helmet, so the only real damage was to my elbow. Also, I have a deep cut on my finger, and my friend tore it open by accident trying to pull me into the river. There's a scar there now too.

I've had a few bizarre ones.

1. 11 years old, tussling in living room with sisters, fell backwards and sat my tailbone down precisely on a hard-soled shoe that was sitting on its side. Must have broken tailbone but parents never took me to a doctor. Could not sit for several days, then had to take a pillow to school to use on my desk for a week. It ached for several years after that.

2. 14, delivering newspapers on a bicycle, tossed one really far and watched it fly to see if I "porched" it. Rode into the back of a parked car, flew forward and landed on my face. Knocked my front teeth backwards at 45 degree angle. Did not lose them because I had massive braces on! Pulled them forward again. Blood. Orthodontist fixed braces ASAP, teeth healed.

3. 20, crawling under barbed wire on my back (training exercise), I left a bit of my face uncovered by my rifle barrel (that's the protection) and a guy near me grabbed the barbed wire and yanked. It slashed my face over my eye and must have missed my eyeball by slight fractions of an inch.

4. 22, running down a sidewalk with dog on a leash, another dog popped out in front of me. Tried to avoid, hopped over, landed wrong and ankle folded. Your typical bad sprain.

5. 23, at party hosted by coworker, party crashers were there. One really tough guy decided to stand in the hall by the bathroom, playing with his dick. Women saw it and I was infuriated, suggested that if he had to go so badly he should go outside in the bushes. Mistake...he decided to beat me. Taunted me at first, I told him to forget it. Then, I suddenly felt something warm on my leg and looked down to see him pissing on me. Instant reaction, I pushed him away and told him to "get that MF off of me". He calmly acted like that was the end of it, zipped up, slowly got nearer (Biff is an idiot) and suddenly launched a huge punch I never saw coming. All I saw was a flash of white light and then the floor slammed me in the back. I was 8 feet back up the hallway. Left the scene quickly but now I wish I would have called the police. Had broken bloody nose, black eye and loosened teeth, one of which died a year later and had to have a root canal.

6. 25, motorcycle riding in offroad area, doing some powerslides, got into a tank-slapper (bet no one knows what that is) and ended up with weight on left foot while motorcycle spun around. Left knee popped like a champagne cork but it was no party...ligaments were torn and the result was leg in a straight cast for 8 weeks. I'm real skinny normally, and when that leg came out of the cast you could have taken a photo of it and claimed it to be that of a concentration camp victim.

7. 29, riding motorcycle on the highway with friends, a loose dog caused havoc. Lead riders swerved to miss. Guy in front of me hit the rider in front, he went down. I was watching the dog and rode by him, looked up just in time to see the other guy's motorcycle pass under me, launching me off my bike like a rodeo bullride. Observers said I did a "flying W" about 10 feet in the air. Came down and was sliding along OK, had helmet, jacket and gloves, and thought, "I'm OK". Then my bike came tumbling after me and the handlebar end punched through my helmet visor and went into my cheek, cutting almost all the way through like a cookie cutter. I felt nothing, crawled off the highway in fear of oncoming cars. Blood dripping, thought I had a bloody nose. Took helmet off, friends stared in horror....the wound was ugly and a center chunk of flesh poked out from it like a piece of a bloody hotdog. Went straight to the doctor where I had coverage. The had to sew it up, inside and out, without using any painkillers because those would have caused futher tissue swelling and made the job uglier. It healed, but left a prominent circular scar and swollen area.

8. 38, dirt track racing in a small home-built buggy with excessive horsepower (heh), someone got a wheel under my left nerf bar and passed it under my left rear tire. Boom, tumbling like a high-speed football and the car did not have adequate leg restraints at the time. Got thrashed around inside the buggy, could barely walk after that, felt like I had been attacked by a gang of guys wielding metal pipes. We implemented good leg restraints after that.

9. 42, riding mountain bike at night with friends, moving fast down a dirt road, moved to the side to clear two riders who were stopped. Problem was, there were some large rocks not visible, lying opposite the pair. Went over them, went down hard, knocked unconscious for 10 - 20 seconds and had a minor shoulder separation. Woke up with a roaring sound in my ears, got on bicycle and rode out.

Lots of other stuff happened which could have killed me but somehow the luck is holding. Came within inches of driving a jeep off the edge of a dirt road in New Mexico, which would have sent the jeep down a sheer rocky wall many hundreds of feet. Spun a jeep out on a wet road in Thailand, trying to miss water-throwers, went into a watery ditch and was tossed out, landing on my back in the mud. Opened my eyes to see the jeep up on end, falling over on top of me. I scrunched down into the mud, the jeep stopped short, I crawled out unhurt.

All of this pales in comparison to the mental/emotional horror of parts of my life, including a most notable career setback in 2000, but that's another long story.

Nothing too spectacular:

Major inversion sprain of the left ankle (from judo) when I was at Uni.

Cracked rib when skiing (I, er, kind of landed on it from a considerable height). Skiing is pretty safe as dangerous sports go though, honest.

I nearly suffered a serious Dooming injury once. On Map 08 of Hell Revealed II, I simultaneously ducked and flinched both left and right when a swarm of revenant missiles were coming at me. I damned nearly dislocated my neck. (I'm serious, BTW.)

Some Class 2 Imps on Map 04 of STRAIN "smashed" my keyboard once, but that doesn't count.

Biffy said:

6. 25, motorcycle riding in offroad area, doing some powerslides, got into a tank-slapper (bet no one knows what that is)

your right

KingKill: You give masocists like me a bad name. There is a reason there are warnings at the beginning of Jackass.

the_Danarchist said:

KingKill: You give masocists like me a bad name. There is a reason there are warnings at the beginning of Jackass.

Warnings aren't meant to stop people from doing anything, they're just there to make you aware there is a danger in doing such a thing.

orion said:

Warnings aren't meant to stop people from doing anything, they're just there to make you aware there is a danger in doing such a thing.

Sometimes they just encourage people to do them. Like when the waiter says "Don't touch the plate; it's very hot".

Grazza said:

Sometimes they just encourage people to do them. Like when the waiter says "Don't touch the plate; it's very hot".

Umm... I'm pretty sure most waiters actually mean that when they say it.

I touched the plate once...it's very hot!