Varis Alpha Posted January 5, 2011 This is a prose I made... two days ago? Yeah, I think it was two days ago. I'm quite proud of it, though crticism is welcome, because I think I might have stretched it too much than needed. Death and decay torments me Barring my ways to act with reason Corrupting my mind, devouring my soul the only pure power that's left is my heart The darkness is growing I can feel it's black pulsing yet my heart's still glowing of white My mind says "F*CK YOU!" my soul fragments my life yet my heart glues those pieces together My mind breaks the windows my soul kills my people yet my heart pulls out the "in" from sanity My mind kills my ambitions my soul kills my body my heart kills the evil inside me I might be insane I might go to Hell but my heart is stronger than the aforementioned two Yes, I might fail in life yes, I might go to hell but I have something that Hell can't take from me A pure, white heart a vessel of holy light an artifact of good a weapon against insanity With this in my body I can live for the next day stand against the darkness and prosper my future For a mind of corruption A soul of Hell Is nothing against the power the holy light and the pure bright white of a holy heart The Hell inside me might destroy my mind and devour my soul But the heart of holy power shall remain intact Thou the state of mind and human soul is nothing against the heart of holy power 0 Share this post Link to post
Bank Posted January 5, 2011 Your poem doesn't have any content and relies on cliche dark vs light vocabulary to seem edgy. 0 Share this post Link to post
Varis Alpha Posted January 5, 2011 Ugh, I knew someone would say something like that. Truth be told, I didn't really know what exactly this was going to be when I wrote it. When I began I didn't feel so good so I decided to write something dark and twisty. Then I changed that when I was in the middle of the text, and this happened. Ugh, this always happens when I decide to write something long. I've got too many different ideas I want to use, then I mix them together, and stuff like this happens. I'll try to be more coherent next time I'll write something this long. 0 Share this post Link to post
t.v. Posted January 5, 2011 It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My". It gets better near the end though. I would suggest writing it not from your own perspective and keep it more abstract. This will help the reader identify with the text. And I believe you need to shortening it. Select a number of written lines and put them to getter again. Remember the common motto for poets: Kill your darlings. IMO it would be better like this: A pure, white heart a vessel of holy light an artifact of good a weapon against insanity To stand against the darkness and prosper the future For a mind of corruption A soul of Hell Is nothing against the power the holy light and the pure bright white of a holy heart The Hell inside might destroy the mind and devour the soul But the heart of holy power shall remain intact Though the state of mind and human soul is nothing against the heart of holy power but that's just my opinion. You should do what ever you want :-) 0 Share this post Link to post
Coopersville Posted January 5, 2011 Hey, I like dark n' edgy. People play up their distaste for it, even though they have no reason to (ie: We're in a Doom forum). Keep it up. Maybe this has it weak parts, but in the future, you can take the strong material from different pieces and bring them together. At least, that's how poetry works for me. 0 Share this post Link to post
Varis Alpha Posted January 6, 2011 t.v. said:It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My". It gets better near the end though. I would suggest writing it not from your own perspective and keep it more abstract. This will help the reader identify with the text. And I believe you need to shortening it. Select a number of written lines and put them to getter again. Remember the common motto for poets: Kill your darlings. IMO it would be better like this: A pure, white heart a vessel of holy light an artifact of good a weapon against insanity To stand against the darkness and prosper the future For a mind of corruption A soul of Hell Is nothing against the power the holy light and the pure bright white of a holy heart The Hell inside might destroy the mind and devour the soul But the heart of holy power shall remain intact Though the state of mind and human soul is nothing against the heart of holy power but that's just my opinion. You should do what ever you want :-) Huh. That's certainly useful criticism, I'll keep what you said in mind. Thanks. 0 Share this post Link to post
ArchitectofHell Posted January 6, 2011 It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My". ...You then go on to take the liberty of rewriting the piece yourself, and see nothing egocentric about it? 0 Share this post Link to post
Phobus Posted January 6, 2011 Constructive criticism and useful suggestions aren't egocentric. 0 Share this post Link to post
ArchitectofHell Posted January 6, 2011 Phobus said:Constructive criticism and useful suggestions aren't egocentric. Totally agreed! I also agree that too much of the poem is "I" and "me"-centered. But taking another person's work and rewriting it usually isn't helpful, and seems a bit, well... "grabby." Most writers aren't asking for a co-writer when they ask for feedback. I'd be happy to hear more opinions on this, though; maybe my opinion isn't the popular one. 0 Share this post Link to post
Impie Posted January 16, 2011 ArchitectofHell said:But taking another person's work and rewriting it usually isn't helpful, and seems a bit, well... "grabby." Most writers aren't asking for a co-writer when they ask for feedback. It depends on the point you're trying to make. I sometimes revise passages to clarify a suggestion I'm making, if I feel it helps drive the point home. I'm not much of a critic when it comes to poetry -- i never really knew how to critique it -- but the only thing I saw in my head when i read this was Sailor Moon fighting Queen Beryl. I don't think it has anything to do with trying to mix too many elements at once: it just comes off as literary masterbation. 0 Share this post Link to post