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The idea is simple, post your favorite piece of literature right out of a textfile accompanied with a doom wad. It can be humorous or serious (though in most cases it will probably end up being unintentionally humorous). Here are three of my favorites, all of which happen to be from wads I really enjoyed:

From Infected Area

"Earth has been invaded by monsters from Hell (what a shocker), and you have been assigned to kill them. Your superiors inform you of high monster activity in a clandestine city that has been abandoned for centuries. You are transported to the edge of the ghost city under seige armed with only a wad of duct tape, a bag of peat moss and two foil gum wrappers. Remembering an old McGyver episode, you quickly fashion these items into a crude pistol, and make your way toward the occupied territory. Skilled at physchological warfare, the aliens have fortified the perimeter of the city with huge speakers blaring Micheal Bolton records. Overcome by weakness and nausia, you are barely able to scale the wall and enter the INFECTED AREA..."

The perfect storyline to prepare you for a creative wad. Also, most textfile storylines require the cliche pistol explanation, and this one is by far the best I have seen.

From The Darkening Episode 2

"After a hard nights driving about in the galaxy, your trusted space vessel "Margie" runs out of fuel and you crash on some ugly planet."

This (and the hell revealed plot which is similarly self-aware), pretty much paint the mood in a blunt way. Just get in there and kill.

And now, for one that is actually surprisingly good in a serious tone. I won't paste the text here, because it is pretty long.

The Final Countdown

Heh, it is my doomy dream to turn some of the best textfile storylines into small doom movies.

Old Post Nov 7 2010 10:09 #
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THE STORY OF JARJAR's LAST PINEAPPLE FRITTER- Once upon a night, JarJar was getting tucked in by his husband Tom Hanks. JarJar goes "Why those pineapple fritter's you made me was great!" "Oh thanks Jar!" says Hanks "Theres only one left, you can have it tomorrow morning!" Suddenly, a tear went down JarJar's face. One left? "ONE LEFT?!?!" JarJar got out a pistol and was about to blow his brain out with it when he decided to blow out Hankses brain, and so he did. JarJar then ran to the fridge, took the fritter, and held it in his arms tightly like a little baby "NO ONE will take you away from me, fritter, NO ONE!" JarJar ran out of the house and lived in the woods, wild and free with his beloved Fritter... but sadly it was not meant to be as one day JarJar went to sleep in a burnt car, woke up, and his fritter was missing. Someone stole it. "NOOOOOO!!!" cried JarJar, but don't worry boys and girls, JarJar had aquired a sort of telepathy with the fritter, and JarJar knows that Fritter hasn't been eaten yet, and that its being held captive in the lands of MooMoo. JarJar gathers his strength, assumes the look of a girl, and goes to the land of MooMoo to claim back his last Fritter. Hence FRITTER.WAD

Old Post Nov 7 2010 10:10 #
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Ruba's "Killing Adventure"
"This is an all new a 32 level episode for doom2. You must adventure through many unique worlds killing awful monsters along the way. When you play this in Zdoom you get all the level names. I learnt how to use mapinfo, add new textures and add new music. The first 11 levels are on the ground and then you go into space before heading into a vivid colorful world of beauty. Many arch guys and barons and blue enemies and demons will try and stop you but you have plenty of firepower to protect you. It took me 4 months to make this and I back this up on my memory card everytime I made a level. Thailand monsoon lightning struck powerline and my laptop was fried but got it replace with warranty. After that I finish off the Killing Adventure and I drew the pictuers and the titlepic and got it scanned at my cousins house. Took me 3 hours to figure out but got it into doom finaly. I hope you enjoy the killing adventure and I also made the skys too."

Old Post Nov 7 2010 10:29 #
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You're back on campus. There's a stillness in the air. And a pistol in your hand.

Old Post Nov 7 2010 10:41 #
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DeathevokatioN said:

Damn how could I forget about Killing Adventure

Old Post Nov 7 2010 10:43 #
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"Ever wonder where all of those soldiers you have to kill come from?"

Old Post Nov 7 2010 11:40 #
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GROVE- THE STORY CONTINUES (...from where?)- In your garden, you can sometimes see an angry looking fat dude steal your mushrooms. He's Smugla. Whenever he takes them, he leaps into a deep hole in the floor like a rabbit. You've never catched him. One day you think "Gee- I wonder why he lives in the ground?" So one day, taking your pistol to blow that mushroom stealer to bits, you jump down the hole. "Lets see how he enjoys my mushrooms now!"... Whatever that means. You hit the bottom of the hole, and you see the hole continue horizontally down. So you go down it, and hit a dead end. But then, you look up, and see another hole out "ha HA!" you retort. You climb out the hole, and look around- "Umm... where the hell am I?" You say, as you see the red skied, gold stared, tree covered, 7 frame per second frame rate world of Grove. You get out of the hole, and see Smugla's house infront of you, with HIS mushroom garden, which are really your mushrooms that he stole. You might as well take them. They are yours- even if it would anger him. Where is he anyway?

There is a map in his house, showing his X on it. Hmm. I wonder why he wants to go there? Well, he IS a trans-galactical mushroom stealer - maybe its a huge mushroom grove? or maybe an opportunity to get other mushrooms from other dimensions? Who knows. Do you? You do don't you- don't lie. Tell me- TELL ME!!



THE STORY SO FAR... You are assigned to destroy the final Hellspawn army on Litrivin IV. The government sends you all alone becuase you got drunk at the General's Birthday party last year and he never liked you since. Since this is the biggest Hellspawn army ever esstablished, the cheap-ass General sends you with nothing but a pea shooter. Good luck.
Nuts 3

NUTS3.WAD, The story continues... You buy a single black balloon with white stars on it for your grandmother's birthday. As you walk out of the balloon store, something happens. The balloon starts to grow in size. Bigger and bigger. Until it's so big that it pops, and from within it, an ancient world spills out over your reality and all your consiousness slips into it's dark shoes.

You're in the middle of a bloody huge sea of demons, on an ancient meteorite. There is a weird tower to the west, also ancient it seems, which may be your ticket out of this fested, putrid vertex riddled world. All the other directions are blocked.

There is a gun and a backpack near you.

(score: 0 of a possible 1) (moves:0)


Old Post Nov 7 2010 12:48 #
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My favorite was that one when Ruba said he was on the run from people with guns or something and so couldn't make doom wads, but I don't remember which wad it was attached to.

Old Post Nov 7 2010 13:02 #
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From CygnusIV

Several days ago UAC intelligence picked up a garbled distress call
emenating from a remote mountain valley on the newly-settled planet of
Cygnus IV. A rescue crew sent to investigate broke contact with their
base shortly after reaching the area.
Being the only strike force in the vicinity, your unit was ordered to
secure the crash site. Reaching the area, a scan showed evidence of
recent construction in the area, which is far from the nearest UAC colony.
Soon afterwards your ship was struck by a ground-to-air missile. Somebody
managed to put out a garbled distress call as the ship went down. Grabbing
your pistol and a parachute, you made it to the nearest escape hatch and

Still no sign of the rest of your group. Strong cross-winds seperated the
survivors. You've landed in some sort of open courtyard in the middle of a
large complex of buildings. Taking cover in the monument in the middle of
the courtyard, you remove your parachute and draw your gun. Footsteps echo
across the gravel. Something tells you that this isn't the UAC coming to
rescue you.
Arming your pistol, you step out of cover and prepare for the worst...


So your name is MooMoo the JooJoo, and you're a marine on Mars...

Old Post Nov 7 2010 21:58 #
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I Recently discovered this megawad, and what do you know, it has a gripping story.

From 30 Levels

"After destroying the big boss in doom2, you settled down for some r&r, when, suddenly, the cold dead faces of the undead greeted you as you transported in. Realizing the drill, you grabbed your sidearm and wished for some better armament. As you fight your way from station to station you realize that overthrowing the big boss has let different factions in hell struggle for power. You have a bad feeling about who is winning that struggle to rule in hell. Your apprehensions are confirmed as you look up into the sky and realize that you must fight your way through a hell dominated by the damned followers of Corporal Schickelgruber the GodKing. In the middle of this psychopathic hell you may find yourself fighting to save the monuments of mans early ventures into space from demonspawn monsters from hell in the two secret levels. Eventually, you make it through that disgusting hell filled with the dark fantasies of one of history's worst psychopaths and enter a hell dominated by an unfamiliar red volcanic sky. There, you fight your way through a landscape dominated by peculiar cubes rising from the various terrain until you reach the central crossroads of hades where you must fight the current master of hades."

Jimmy91 and Revenant mentioned:
B.P.R.D.'s weird storylines
Come back FooFoo :(

Old Post Nov 8 2010 05:49 #
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Deus Vult: Shadowrunner Edition

Act 1.

So your name is MooMoo the JooJoo, and you're a marine on Mars, while making a sausage you're cock got stuck in a meatgrinder, and you don't know how to take it out without bleeding to death.

Calling 9-11 is not an option because you'll die of embarrassment, plus that cute nurse you're dating won't look at you the same way ever again.

Anyways, so after a few hours of panicking and deciding between dieing of blood loss or loss of face, you passed out on the floor, which means you're going to die and be embarassed as well.

Act 2.

In a strange twist of fate, you woke up and the meatgrinder magically dissapeard, and saw a wizened wizard masturbating behind a pipe organ (or into the pipe organ to be accurate) in a druid's cloak.

You tap him on the shoulder wondering where you are, in return he got mad at you for "interrupting" his daily routine, so he turned around, instead of wielding his wizard wand, pulled out his wizard cock, yells, "dU = Q - W!" and POOF you're awake in a base with 4700 demons GL HF

Old Post Nov 8 2010 18:02 #
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Last edited by Vaporizer on Sep 27 2015 at 12:45

Old Post Nov 13 2010 10:13 #
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Nice thread! Reading the text files is sometimes more fun than playing the WADs themselves.

The tongue-in-cheek angle seems to be pretty popular with WAD authors, here is a classic - the storyline of Dr. Sleep's Inferno series. The first two parts - "cantos", as the author calls them - are available on /idgames, the other five are part of Master Levels.

1st Canto - Dante's Gate:
After all this wackiness at the UAC base, you have lost track of your lady-friend, BEATRICE. How the two of you ever got separated is no great mystery, what with all these demons and devils running about, but you're damned if you're going to go through Hell for nothing. The only other survivor besides yourself and Beatrice is VIRGIL, the beatnik space poet. He last saw Beatrice by one of the warp-gates. Chances are she made it through -- but what's on the other side?

Only one way to find out. You'll have to go through DANTE'S GATE.

2nd Canto - Crossing Acheron:
Having passed through DANTE'S GATE and survived, you now find yourself in a keep on the shores of the river Acheron. This is the second leg of the journey in your search for Beatrice. Your guide, Virgil, is nowhere to be found. "He's buggered off!" you think to yourself; but you have no time now to even think: you are immediately challenged by several Demons, and in the distance you hear the eerie purring of the Arch-Vile (just be sure not to stare at him for too long before you start running.) As usual, you dispatch what fiends you may and begin the task at hand.

Your goal? To get the hell out of this place as quickly as possible and find your beloved Beatrice. You only hope that she has already passed through this hell-hole to a safer haven beyond. If only you could hold her in your arms again, you know what you would say:

"Gimme some sugar, Babe."

3rd Canto - Virgil's Lead:
In your search for Beatrice, you lost your guide Virgil (the beatnik space-poet) while crossing Acheron. But you've caught up with him again, and he's agreed to lead you through the current way-station (mostly because demons and undead sergeants are not much impressed with Virgil's way with words).
"You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun then you can a kind word."
"You belong to the NRA, don't you?" Virgil asks.
"No, I'm just a pessimistic pacifist."

4th Canto - Minos' Judgement:
In your search for Beatrice, your guide, Virgil (the beatnik space-poet) has just successfully lead you through the First Circle of Hades -- only to bring you to the court of Minos, the Judge of Hell.
"Well," you say, "this is another fine mess you've gotten us into. Now what?"
Virgil, with his usual loquacity, replies: "Heh heh."

5th Canto - Nessus:
Minos decided to grant leniency and not kill you until next week. In the meantime, having slipped past Cerberus, the top dog, you and Virgil come to a precipice overlooking the river Phlegethon. There, Virgil greets the Minotaur using phrases from an out-of-date "Passport to Demonese" by Charles Berlitz. Enraged at having been asked to remove his panties, the Minotaur falls upon the ground and throws a conniption fit. You grab Virgil and climb down some boulders to the foot of the cliff where Chiron, the chief Centaur, offers to have Nessus carry you across the river on his shoulders.
"Why, that's mighty white of ya'," says Virgil.
"No problem, sailor," says Nessus. "Hop on."

Too bad the last two cantos, Geryon and Vesperas, have no story. Writer's block? ;)

Robert Zubek's Hades' House of Horrors mini-series has an interesting storyline as well.

Part One: "...And Here Your Troubles Begin."
As usually at that time of the year, Hades was really, really bored. Aside from the usual job of taking care of the poor dead people, there was not much else he could do -- all of the goddesses were on vacations in far away lands, and Persephone herself was too busy watching the soap operas to even look at him. And that's when he came up with an idea how to entertain himself -- to build a maze-like house, put one of those unworthy mortals in it, and see if he'll be able to find the way out. Sadly enough, you happened to be the only person Hades could find before the sunlight started to hurt his eyes. And thus you have been dragged into the underworld, placed in the House, and the game began. The grand prize is your life.

Part Two: "The Winter Palace"
"Well, well, well..." started Hades, "You have solved that little puzzle with amazing speed... Good for you, my boy. How about something tougher?" Answering your icy glance, he quickly added "Okay, just a _little_ tougher..." His wide smile exposed strong and healthy teeth. Suddenly it came to your mind that no one ever saw Hades smiling -- or did not live to tell about it? "The problem is," he continued, "that I have one little palace I don't really like. One architect designed it for me some time ago, he was trying to suck up to me, you know, so I would let him live another 50 years or so. I didn't. Anyway, the place didn't suit my taste, really; it's so small and tight, and definitely not warm enough for a winter palace. So I decided that with some remodeling it would make an interesting puzzle for you. How about it? Oh, come on, I know you start to like these puzzles, don't you?" His voice became more and more patronizing. "It's good, you know, for your body, mind... and speed!" he said, and honoured you with another smile, clearly enjoying himself. Impatience, however, overcame him, and he quickly finished up his monologue -- "You are really good in conversations. It's a pity we've got to go now. I can't wait to see you in that palace. I only wonder how quickly you'll get out of there...
IF you'll get out...

It seems that Robert stopped after the second level. Curiously, a comment on the first part's /idgames page claims that the series went on, ending in a complete nine-level episode. After several fruitless searches through my shovelware CD-ROMs and online I tracked down Jive's (the comment's author) email addy - he used to run the Doom Legacy Wads site - and asked him about the elusive "megawad".
The reply that came a couple of months later, when I had given up waiting, was terse: "sorry but Doom is bad !" I was wondering if I got the wrong person when I noticed there was a PDF attached. It explained very colorfully (literally) why DOOM is bad and that's a story of its own. Read it at your own risk. :P
I will tell only ONE thing:
do you imagine Jesus playing Doom ?
Jive also had another site - GZDoom WADs. There's a small section there for his compilation of the two parts into a single WAD and it has no mention of the "megawad". I guess if it does exist only Jive and Jesus must know.

edit: added spoiler

Last edited by Never_Again on Nov 17 2010 at 03:09

Old Post Nov 17 2010 01:00 #
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