NoPoet

I reckon that if all the truly evil, corrupted people were killed in their sleep, we'd lose less than one per cent of all humanity during the night.

Aaahh...you're right and I'm wrong. This is what comes of me playing Doom 2 with music volume turned off. I actually meant the music for PC Doom 2 map 03 and PSX Doom 2 map 32, The Gantlet. Load up PC Doom's The Gantlet, listen to the tick-tock music and tell me it isn't rubbish. Sorry about that everyone. :)

Somebody's got to agree with me! Sounds of wailing :)

You're right - my Win 98 computer has average midi support and my XP machine, although it has a serious sound system for playing CDs and MP3s, is somehow terrible with midis. But you misunderstood me. Load Doom 2 and warp to map 04: The Focus, and listen to the music. It's the music that has a 'tick-tock' beat to it. That's what I was referring to. Now get your Playstation going and warp to map 34: The Focus. The PSX musical score for the same level absolutely blows its PC counterpart away - not just in terms of sound quality but because the PSX Doom team didn't employ a monkey to bash pans together for the sound track. Hence, my PC Doom 2 and Final Doom reviews scored 1 out of 10 each for Music. PC Ultimate Doom is quite catchy but still cannot match the PSX music, so U-Doom got 6 out of 10 for music. Playstation Doom Review: http://www.nopoet.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/psx1.htm PC Doom Review: http://www.nopoet.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/u-doom.htm PC Doom 2 Review coming soon.

Mate, you forgot roly-poly, rotund, hefty, nauseating, disgusting, offputting to men, a maker of homosexuals and offensive to nature.

Best Music PSX DOOM and PSX FINAL DOOM. Best soundtracks ever. Thunderforce 3 for Megadrive Thunderforce 4 "Omake" tracks and ending themes, which can only be listened to if you finish the game. Anyone know a cheat to get around this? (I've got a megadrive emulator) All Mega Man games Worst Music PC Doom 2 - I couldn't believe what I was hearing - especially the 'tick-tock' music from The Focus - I laughed my head off! (It was a part amused, part dismayed, part horrified laugh) Legend of Kage for the C64

This remark is spot on. Remember the asteroid that was going to hit the Earth in 2019 and wipe us all out? My newspaper, the Daily Express, put this story on page 3, while the front page was dedicated to the wretched Geri Halliwell's new romance...

Heh heh, wait until they try to market that game in the UK... :) No Poet starts a rousing chant of 'See what we did to the Neo-Geo!'

Alien Vendetta co-op. Especially Beast Island, my favourite Doom level ever. Alien Vendetta co-op is an amazing experience.

Sorry, I've got something of a talent for dragging conversations onto alternative lines. ;)

It's about time we had a Final Doom megawad. This is unusual enough to attract attention. Although I've got to agree with 999cop - Final Doom and Doom 2 on the PC are not sufficiently different from one another for there to really be a point to this. Now the Playstation versions of Doom and Final Doom...they are two very different siblings... PSX Doom Review http://www.nopoet.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/psx1.htm PSX Final Doom Review http://www.nopoet.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fdoom1.htm

Myk, at birthday parties and other occasions when I was younger, I used to eat so much I thought I was going to explode, spraying food out of every orifice. When I went to sleep fully gorged like this, I would wake up the next day feeling incredibly weak. My stomach felt like it had been stretched on a rack! Eating too much cheese (or other dairy products) is supposed to give you nightmares, as the 'heavy' food is difficult to digest and this leads to fitful sleep. I ate a load of Edam cheese once to test this theory. Then I realised that my girlfriend was supposed to be coming over to 'get intimate' as her mates called it. I phoned her up and pretended to have a migraine because I stank (and felt sick after eating half a pound of Edam! ;)). That night, I dreamed that a mysterious alien female came into my bedroom and took me to her spaceship where she performed lewd acts on me. I was frozen in place because there were rocks in my stomach. So you see, eating and sleeping is uncomfortable and strange.

Er...eh? Mewse, the Enigma machine was stolen by the British Navy! Are you joking, or do you mean it?

I hate to do this to you chaps, but I think ID's site is crap too! :D

Er...what film are you talking about mate?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This topic is brilliant! No Poet sees Anna Nicole Smith picture Oh my word, is it Hallowe'en again already? We could market this as an advert for Independence Day 2: The Fat Ugly Bastard From Beneath The Sea. Someone should tell her that she probably isn't going to need the "No stalking" T-shirt....

No Poet nods in agreement, and enjoys a few minutes' silent laughter

Doom 2 co-op. legacy -opengl -file av.wad psxsnds.wad

I don't think Ulrika was raped. She's got all these new TV programmes starting, she's been in the media a lot over Sven - and she won't talk to the police about her ordeal, but she was happy to go to the papers... I can't believe anyone is taking this whore seriously! If she really was raped - which I doubt - then I will apologise wholeheartedly for the above statements. Ulrika is a slag, a piece of rubbish, a nobody, who is cashing in on something that probably never happened. I hate to say this because I know a lot of blokes are women-worshippers (no offence if you aren't) and will flame me for this, but in today's society, there are A LOT of false rape accusations. Some girls are serial accusers. Some parents inflict injuries on their own children in order to get attention for themselves so don't tell me what I'm saying is wrong. Rape is a terrible crime committed by less than a fraction of one per cent of all men. It should not be treated as a meal ticket or some sort of strange cry for attention. Rapists should be taken to court - not hinted about in every newspaper going. American cinema may be the worst in the world, but the British press is the worst kind of despicable media scum. John Leslie is not speaking to the press because he doesn't want to say anything that could be construed the wrong way by the feminist-controlled British media. (Don't believe it's feminist controlled? Read a few issues. Or get an ace grade in Sociology.) He'll be seeking legal advice and he'll come back with all guns blazing. If he doesn't, he's got to be guilty. If he does, they will tear Ulrika to shreds in court for the way she has behaved over it all. They'll absolutely take her case to pieces.

No Poet watches the videos with an increasing feeling of disbelief When I bought Final Fantasy 10 for the PS2, I was looking forward to a real adventure I could get my teeth into. After 30 hours' gameplay I bought the guidebook. When I saw the extent to which Final Fantasy could be mastered, I felt a sick lurching in my stomach. I'd only been scratching the surface. Watching a true Doom God at work, clearing The Factory of all monsters in under 5 minutes - dodging Mancubi attacks at point-blank range, using the BFG with an efficiency I never even imagined could be possible - I got this feeling again. My demo is going to be very funny compared to those...

So, you weren't paying attention when American films such as The Patriot, Pearl Harbour and U-571 died in the UK cinemas. Each of these films drastically altered actual events in order to make the Americans look more heroic, and in Patriot and U-571 this was heavily at the expense of the British. Then there's Saving Private Ryan which has a cryptic reference to the RAF being unable to do their jobs when in the real thing, horrendous weather conditions prevented them from supporting the beach landings. The Patriot is reviled as anti-British. So was Titanic to some extent. Braveheart was funded by the Americans. Modern Hollywood horror films such as Jeepers Creepers, My Little Eye, all the Scream clones, the Halloween and Alien legacy and so on are all carbon copies of each other with the same ephemeral cast members - ephemeral because most of them will be forgotten by 2005. It's got so bad Hollywood is now churning out endless vehicles for pop stars e.g. J-Lo, Britney and so on, each of which has been dreadful. I know America makes all the films anyway but each Hollywood 'blockbuster' is crap in its own way. There is some really good stuff out there but it's hidden beneath a morass of rubbish. If I speak for other people it's with complete assurance that I am right. One of my mates is heavily into cinema and he is continually berating every American film going; he loves British films. My brother is addicted to British films. On the other subject, yes, the females of many species are bigger than the males. But Cacodemons are Cacodemons. They are the spawn of evil. Creatures from hell. It's unlikely they would have gender as we recognise it; they are presumably moulded from pure human hatred and become sentient after a certain amount of time. This would be the equivalent of 'birth'. They're also very BIG. That's why they are scary. It's also one of the reasons they are different from Lost Souls.

Bollocks we think you speak. A stronger response than yours my remarks have provoked. Uh-oh, now we're talking in Yoda. Pick the bones out of THAT one, matey-pie! ;)

Well, you know what they say about great minds mate. :D

P.S. How can I record a demo of myself playing Plutonia and/or Alien Vendetta on UV? I'm sure it would provide everyone (myself included) with a few laughs. Can I play it in Legacy using freelook, or GLBoom, without it desynchronising on other people's computers?

Hyena, if you want to read a master at work, go to my site: http://www.nopoet.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk. ;) Your reviews are fun to read as they contain a lot of humour. They cover most of the relevant points about each wad. My advice to you is: if you're planning on reviewing something famous like The Plutonia Experiment, skip it and review something else! You'll usually receive more criticism than praise if you crap on a popular wad or megawad, no matter how horrible a mound of steaming dung you think it is, so prepare for abuse. Don't criticise people either. Stick to the wad. By this, I mean don't do anything foolish like announcing the Casali brothers are crap just because all their wads are impossible and boring. (Now who would say something so silly? ;)) Just mention that you aren't enamoured with most of their wads. Break bad news gently. Make sure you DO break bad news though. Some wad authors will thank you for the feedback. Some will complain like little bitches! ;) It's incredibly rewarding when people agree with you. You know you're doing well if, like me, you are inundated with requests for reviews. Talk from the heart. It's your review. You know if you're right. Good luck mate.