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Linguica

Ernie's Bad Day

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Ernie blearily opened his eyes, expecting to find himself in his warm comfy bed on Sesame Street, but instead pulling himself up right on a hard, gritty surface in a dark room. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't dreaming. "Where am I?" he asked himself. "Today I was supposed to be learning about the letter D..." he got up and felt along the wall until he found a switch. Pressing it, a door flew open in front of him.

Exiting the room cautiously he came into a large courtyard. The ground was solid-packed dirt and around him was what appeared to be a giant high-tech factory of some sort. He craned his neck to see the tops of the machines aroumd him and when he noticed the sky he almost fell off his feet. It looked like it was night, but it was like no night he had ever seen on Sesame Street! The stars were bright and clear, as if there was no air in the way. More than that, the sky was slowly moving, like the entire world was spinning. As he watched, a large red planet began to appear above the horizon. He remembered the time that Ramon had taught them about Mars.

Catching his breath, Ernie looked around for any signs of life. There were none: the whole structure looked like it had been abandoned. There was a layer of grime on everything. A logo caught his eye, and looking closer, he saw a sign with an intricate triangle-shaped design and below it the words "Union Aerospace Corporation."

As he was sounding out the words, suddenly another door he hadn't noticed opened behind him, and a creature stepped into the courtyard. Ernie first thought it was another Muppet he had never seen before, but he quickly realized this thing was much more evil than any Muppet! It stood about six feet tall, vaguely humanoid, with leathery brown skin, red eyes, and bony spikes protruding from all over its body. It caught sight of Ernie and hissed angrily!!

"I don't think that's Oscar the Grouch" Ernie said. The creature began moving towards Ernie when suddenly a point just below the shoulder exploded in a cloud of red mist. The creature howled in pain and whipped around to spy Bert, of all people, coming around a corner. Ernie cheered, Bert was coming to rescue him! Bert's furrowed his monobrow and raised a shotgun towards the advancing monster. Pulling the trigger, a gout of flame shot from the barrel and the demon's head exploded in a shower of gore and brain chunks. The monster immediately slumped to the ground.

Ernie was shocked. He had barely ever seen a papercut before, let alone such horrible violence! Bert however seemed unfazed. He noticed Ernie and slowly strode over. Ernie caught his breath. "Bert!" he cried. "I'm so glad you're here! What's going on? Where are we?"

"This is the moon Phobos, we're orbiting above the planet Mars," Bert said.

"What? But how did we get here? What's going on?" Ernie asked.

"Never mind that, there are more important things to discuss. We are here because a demon invasion from Hell is soon coming to take over the Earth." said Bert.

Ernie's eyes flew open. "Bert, you just said a bad word!"

"Stick a sock in it. The UAC has told me all about it. Apparently their best forces aren't enough to counter the threat. They need someone who is less... bound to mortality."

Ernie didn't understand what Bert meant and so he just stood dumbly. Bert sighed and tried again. "People die too easily. One or two shots and they are down for the count, or at least near worthless. UAC realized, however, that Muppets never die and never get hurt. In essence, we are the perfect warriors to combat the demon threat."

"So are you saying that you've turned into a soldier?" Ernie was perplexed.

"Not yet. UAC is still running tests to find the best Muppet for the job. They only have the power to send one of us back to Earth. I intend it to be me." Bert looked pleased with himself, and suddenly Ernie noticed a long, yellow feather stick out of Bert's pocket. He recognized it at once, it was one of Big Bird's tailfeathers.

Ernie was amazed. "Is Big Bird here too? How did you get that feather??" he asked excitedly.

"All the Muppets are here. Well, most of them were here, at least." Bert began to grin wickedly and wiped cookie crumbs away from his mouth.

Ernie gasped. Cookie Monster would never let anyone eat his cookies! And Big Bird didn't want anyone touching his tail plumes! How did Bert get his hands on them, unless...

"Bert, tell me it's not true! Tell me you didn't..."

"Didn't what, survive! I've learned a lot of things over the years, Ernie, but most of all I've learned that there's no point learning if you're not going to be alive to use it."

"But... they were your friends!!"

"Maybe so, but if there's only one way to get out of here, I am going to do whatever it takes to get to it." Bert began sliding fresh shells into the shotgun.

Ernie could barely speak. "But... but... that means..."

Bert nodded and raised the shotgun. "Goodbye, Ernie."

Before Ernie could react half of his head had vanished due to the force of the blast. He was flung back ten feet and slammed against a courtyard wall. He sagged slightly before crawling back to his feet.

"Oh my god! My face! What have you done to my-" before he could continue the rest of his forehead was removed by another spray of pellets. All that remained of his head was half a jaw, with an ear and eyeball loosely hanging by threads. A sort gurgling came from his throat as Bert systematically removed his limbs with four more blasts.

"Sorry to leave you like this, Ernie, but Muppets can't die and this is the best way to keep you down," Bert said evilly, before reloading his gun and disappearing around a corner. Ernie lay in pieces on the ground, barely conscious and in incredible pain. This had been a very bad day.

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ROFLMFAO. That's a masterpiece of literature right up there with the doom comic (almost).

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At the first glance I thought, "God, what the hell is this shit gonna be?" I looked it over quickly and noticed, "Goodbye Ernie." and knew it would be good. But it wasn't. It rocked. :)

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