Patrick

This isn't a 'looking for advice' blog or a 'feel sorry for me' blog. This is a 'ugh I'm frustrated and I need to vent to random internet strangers my problems' blog.

A while ago there was a girl I'd met who was very odd. She didn't quite work the same way other people did. her thoughts were ... jumbled ... but not impaired at all. But she could keep her priorities straight and she was very intelligent, despite being very difficult to interact with. She liked me, but I had no interest in her, I was mainly scared away by her crazy randomness and odd personality. I dated her for about a week, but I ended it quickly and afterwards I wouldn't even give her the time of day for a year. Now I've spent more time to understand who she is and what kind of person she is, and I've come to find her very attractive and I'm very much in love. I've learned to not be afraid of her eccentricity and admire it because she's so damn different. problem being that a friend of mine insists she's with someone else and is now just toying with my head.

what's even worse is that she now knows how I feel about her and remains entirely ambiguous as to her feelings about it. I can't tell if she's just trying to avoid hurting my feelings, or if it merely has to do with her airheadedness. This is driving me nuts.

it's entirely my fault for not realizing what i had and not taking the time to understand her. i brought this upon myself, but it certainly isn't helping me get over the major depression I've had since I quit smoking. If anything this has furthered my self-loathing to a new level. I might just have to join TimeOfDeath in his self-imposed isolation :P

The depression is pretty terrible right now, and I think that simply venting helps to alleviate some of this. Then again, what's the worst that could happen? I'm emotionally destroyed? I can live with that.

EDIT: on the bright side, its times when I'm bent up about women that I get the most work on my mods done. I should focus this frustration on ironing out more bugs.