silentzorah

It's been a few months since my last post, and I figured I'd post an update.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the last few months, put on anxiety medication, which helps.  There's been a development, though.  Turns out I'm bipolar.  Who knew?  It certainly explains a few things.

I'm still out of work, disabled mentally from the accident.  I have made several attempts to get back on the horse, so to speak.  I've had a few range days (difficult) and been to an IDPA match (paralyzing).  I'm not over it.  Might never be over it.

I've been supporting myself with my art.  Been taking commissions more for fetish themed artwork.  Sex sells, as it was.  Started a SubscribeStar page, and that's been helping.  Also got food stamps.  That helps stop the bleed.  Things are still rough, but it's getting better, slowly.

Tomorrow I've got a court date to get my father's bankruptcy dismissed.  He died in 2021 from covid.  Didn't know I was supposed to provide a death certificate to the attorney and have just been continuing to make payments on it.  Oops.  Supposedly I'm to receive a check for anything I've overpaid over the last 2-1/2 years... Or whenever I turned in the death certificate (last month).  No idea.  My guess is the state will keep as much as they can.  We'll see.

I have dabbled a little bit with Zagemod.  Added a few weapons - A couple of assault rifles for Doomguy and 64-Guy, and some pistols akimbo for ST-Guy.  Always bugged me that you could never use the Trooper's rifle in the original game... No ETA, haven't worked on it in about a month.

Anyway.  That's my update.

I've been sitting on this for a while, and I feel now's a good time to finally talk about this. This is why I released the last version of Zagemod as final, and why I haven't touched the game since September of last year.  Strap in, this is a long read.

For the last couple of years, I worked at a local gun range. I got really invested in firearms and grew to be a rather good shot. During this time, I only played Doom occasionally.  Development on mods slowed due to exposure to firearms on the regular. It's like playing a racing game when you're a trucker. You get tired of it and want to experience something else in your downtime. This was no different.

My first manager was quite chill and greatly valued what I brought to the organization. He treated me well and I was good at what I did. That all changed when he resigned and went back into the medical field, and I got an asshole for a boss. And this guy had it out for me. No matter what I did for this guy, there was always something wrong with it. I could follow instructions to the letter and get written up for it with him. I developed trust issues with him and my coworkers as I was being gaslit. I began to hate my job and the range.

In January of last year I was diagnosed with lead poisoning, and kidney function was impacted. Over the course of six months, I did eventually recover, but while I wasn't allowed on the range proper, my boss made it quite clear to me that I was worthless for it. He went on to tell me that every single one of my coworkers complained about me because I wasn't able to go on the range due to the lead exposure. This abuse worsened when they brought in a new guy, and he was also great at what he did.

I have and had no problems with the new guy, in fact we're still friends today. But because he was new and because he was a talker, the abuse from my superior worsened, and I was talked about negatively frequently within earshot by my boss.

In May, one of our shift leads had a negligent discharge in the store, behind the counter with a .22LR pistol. The bullet went through the counter, passed through three caps of pepper spray canisters, and nearly struck a coworker. Said coworker quit on the spot. The other guy was fired. His duties fell to me, which meant I was back on the range despite doctors telling me I wasn't supposed to be. Boss leaned on me harder, putting more work on me, forcing me to run more MG rentals for customers. Then, in September, disaster struck.

Two of my coworkers were handling one of their AR-15 SBRs with a brand new can on it. Coworker A handed the rifle to Coworker B, who pulled the bolt back to check the chamber, shouldered the weapon, aimed down the sights, and squeezed the trigger. Bang. An M855 penetrator was sent screaming past my head and through six sheets of drywall and one piece of plywood before being stopped by a steel support beam in the supply room. Before I could chew him out for nearly ventilating my head, he set the rifle down and quit on the spot.

After I performed damage control and assessed that no one had been hurt, I stepped out while the boss handled the mess and took a breather. I returned to work, but I was no longer the same person. I could have been killed. I wished I had been killed.

The next day, I was written up for failing to stop the accident, which every single other person working there agreed it wasn't my fault. I told them I'm not okay after this, and after burning my hand on an AK's upper receiver, I took nine days off from work for mental health.

Upon returning, I was greeted with even more hostility. I sought counciling for it, and was diagnosed with severe PTSD. Upon being cleared for work with restrictions for mental health reasons, I went in the next day to hand my medical clearance in. The boss didn't even read it. He cast it aside and said I was to be reassigned to a position I'm not capable of doing, or I could quit. So I quit and haven't been back. Since then, my PTSD has worsened, and my diagnosis was upgraded to chronic.

Ever since then, I developed an aversion to firearms being held by others. I am easily startled by loud noises, gunfire or not. During New Years, my crime-ridden neighborhood rung with illegal machine gun fire. And, following my leaving my job, I stopped playing Doom. I physically can't deal with the thought of someone shooting me right now. The thought of it happening to someone that hasn't experienced it is different from someone who's had it happen to them.

I do hope at one point I can return to the game without my PTSD getting in the way, whether it's playing, modding, or music. But right now, it affects me negatively. I've played for 30 years, and it was a big part of who I am and what I do. But for now, I'm retired from it.  I hope one day I can return to it without past trauma rearing its ugly head.

Like I said before, giving me a game with a graphic editor is a dangerous thing.

Long live STARTAN.

Giving me a game with a graphic editor is a very dangerous thing.

Is it me, or are there fewer subforums here than I remember?