Doomkid rants and raves about his life n' other crap [Oversized Blog]

[Doomkid]

 

Doomworld used to have a section called "blogs" that got merged with status updates 6 years ago now (holy fuck it's flown by). Since status updates are way more disposable and insular in nature, not being really available for the public beyond your buddy list and being basically lost after leaving your profile's front page, I want to make this as a classic blog-style post. Just providing a little context since threads like this obviously became was less common from early 2017 onward, but I still feel they have value.

 

Blabbin':

 

I'm about halfway through my 31st year on this rock. Had a lot of experiences in that time and just want to ramble about them. I welcome anyone to join in this thread with questions or comments, or just whatever post you might want to make that's ostensibly related. NOTE: Things are gonna get a little personal and a potentially a little "dirty" so if that's not for you - steer clear.

 

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Communication Breakdown

 

When my ex-wife and I ended our relationship in 2017, I had already been going through a couple years of feeling just.. Generally displeased with myself, pretty dumpy in appearance, just not tending to a bunch of aspects of myself and letting them fall into disrepair, and I mean both physically and mentally. My wife and I were very much in love for the first half of our marriage (lasted a bit over 5 years), and even through the end of our relationship we still very much cared about each other's wellbeing, but it was just clearly not meant to last.

 

My ex had serious issues with her own appearance and had serious trust issues as well. Obviously these are relatable for most people to at least some degree, but my inability to reassure her of her beauty (with any sort of "staying power" at least) led to huge, and frankly emotionally painful bouts of having absolutely NO sex. Sex is obviously just one aspect of a loving relationship, BUT It made me feel as though she wasn't attracted to me, even though she usually assured me that wasn't the case, but I feel it was also responsible for another issue we had fairly often: her accusing me of cheating, based on nothing. (I've never understood the point of cheating.. Just split up if you're that far gone, FFS.)

 

If I ever went out with a group of friends - which in itself was exceedingly rare, maybe once every 4-5 months or so - Jewel (not her "real" name, but I always called her that) was always jealous the next day. Essentially, all our outings had to be together, unless I was just with other guys. From the moment we met she told me how much she loved my "manliness", and frankly I was already in the midst of trying to repress a big part of myself, so I tried to wear that face throughout most of our relationship. Not to say I was never soft/understanding, but anything "feminine" (I mean barely feminine, like being "too emotionally sensitive" or whatever) was a big turn off for her, due to the aforementioned lack of "manliness". Hey there repression old bud, how's it going?

 

It sounds like I'm just whining about this girl by now - I swear that isn't my intention. She is highly intelligent, very funny, and bluntly speaking we fell in love for a reason. She was not an "anti"-this/that/the-other, either. Very open minded when it came to who she was willing to befriend - but of course, that's different from romance and a deep relationship.

 

We just weren't compatible in the end, and that's OK - by that I mean, no one was really "in the wrong", we're all just playing this life shit by ear - but.. I've just been clamping down on so much of who I am and what I want from life since that relationship began on new year's day 2012 all the way through.. Well, about the end of 2022. I have finally decided to be completely honest with myself for the first time in a long time.

 

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Hiding the Secrets

 

A little backstory for those interested enough to read this far. As a teenager, I was pretty open with my friends and cohorts at school about being attracted to both sexes. I became sexually active at 14, which is young I know. (but hey, I was already toking the reefer for a year beforehand, so.. to hell with it). Obviously that period of life feels mostly-great on the sexual front if you have a lucky enough home-life to be able to explore that part of yourself with relatively little judgement. Or in my case, if you know which cards to play close to your chest, and which ones you can be a little more loose and open with...

 

Throughout my pre-teen and teenage years, my parents didn't mind too much that their little well-behaved computer nerd was starting to transfigure into this "hippie goth stoner-type thing", so long as I continued to do alright in school, which I did. They're a pretty open-minded couple and always have been - both born in the mid 50s and LSD tripping hippies themselves back in the day. They cleaned up a little during the 80s and have always presented fairly "normally", but even in my teens I remember them talking about how most of their generation sold out on all their beliefs and wanted to take all the benefits they had away from the upcoming generation: "I lucked out, it's MINE, but you get none!!".

 

All this is to say: They're pretty damn open minded people and, to be candid, they lean distinctly to the left on most topics. BUT..

 

My dad was really never that "cool" with, uh, gayness for lack of a better term, with bisexuality and transgender being part of that contingent. Now to be clear - as mind-fucking as it might be - he's actually not some anti-LGBT type, in fact both back then and nowadays, when some douchebag like Tucker Carlstone or Benny Shapeepee (or Bill O'Lielly back in the day) finds his way to my dad's screen talking about the "LGBT+LMNOP agenda!" and whatever other moronic trash like that, my dad will instantly be able to name multiple different ways that what he's saying is not only wrong on the face of it, but is usually also completely hypocritical or impractical. I don't want to represent him as a guy who isn't (at least somewhat) sympathetic/understanding/supportive of "the non-straight types", is what I'm getting at here.

 

So anyway, back when I was in my mid-teens and I first decided to dye my hair deep purple, my mom was just perfectly OK with it (she's definitely the free spirit of the two lol) and my dad "didn't mind" it, but clearly wasn't a fan. Then I got my ear pierced.. He didn't like that either. Then another year went by and I got my hair cut into a mohawk, and this is where I finally just started getting too "out there" for him and we had a pretty big argument. He's a great man though - that night he apologized to me for trying to control my trajectory and if anything our bond was made tighter.

 

Similarly, my (7 years older) brother and I also had a heated argument with him about why gay marriage should be legal, and there was a similar process of him thinking about it for the day and apologizing and making peace with us. I feel bad about casting him as a "cause of bad feelings" in my life as he has truly done his best throughout all stages of life to be a loving father and husband. Still though man - when a role model who you see as a great person occasionally but consistently says stuff one might call "shitty and bigoted", it's hard to not internalize all that, even if it's purely unintentional.

 

Right around that same time, 2007ish, my grandma came over one day and saw I was wearing eyeliner alongside the 'hawk and pretty much instantly gave me a talk about "not falling to any of that gay business". Now granted, this was 16 years ago and she was born in the 1930s, so expecting a bastion of progressiveness in mid-2007 would have been stupid anyway, but it still hurt because she didn't really understand that she was asking me to just shut a big part of my brain off. I just agreed with her, but I felt very low.

 

It's bizarre - my father, my grandma, and my uncles on BOTH sides of the family are not "anti gay" in that they always vote for the pro-gay-marriage candidate and that kind of thing. As mentioned, my dad can usually refute all the shit that gets said on Fox News (and co) about it. On top of all that, my family was and has always been very loving of me/eachother in general.. But there was always that flipside, where my dad and my uncles would complain about TONS of little pro-gay things that just added up to tell me that life would be easier if I worked on repressing that side of myself.

 

As readily as he'd argue with a Faux News meat puppet, my dad would also condemn things like "gay days" at Disney as he called it, or when pride-related stuff would come on TV. "Yeah yeah, all that faggy shit is fine, but don't make me look at it for fuck's sake!" kind of remarks.. I guess you could call it dismissive, but definitely falling well short of hateful. The irony is that if Tuck said that same shit, my dad would be the first one to say "change the channel then, you moron".

 

So, yeah.. Between all of my grandparents and uncles being "not that cool" with it, as well as my dad, I just didn't want to rock the boat. They clearly thought it should be legal and didn't consider it "immoral" exactly, but they frowned on it, which meant they would frown on me. I didn't want to do anything that might disrupt the tight-knit fabric of my family. It felt like it would be selfish to risk it all for my own wants and desires, so when I was getting to my 18th birthday I pretty consciously decided to clamp down on that aspect of who I am, what I am attracted to, and how I express myself. I landed on repression being the most reasonable approach.

 

^{It's funny though in a way because the "more conservative" version of myself I decided to become is still a complete weirdo, heh}

 

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Out of mind --> Out of my mind --> Out Back

 

13 years of attempting to downplay or deny thoughts you have fairly consistently doesn't take the whole 13 years to grind away at your mental state. It can start right away, or even before you consciously realize what you're doing. I was dating my first girlfriend Krista for about 2 years in highschool, and was DEEPLY in love with her, or at least the closest thing a teenager feels to "true love". When that fell apart (at the young, innocent age of 17) I was already deeply upset, and between the general raging hormonal irrationality of being a teenager and being unsure whether or not I could continue to present as the person I really am or an altered version of that, I kinda started losing my mind.

 

I always made it clear to my parents and family they were not why I did these things, but I tried overdosing on sleeping medications multiple times at school. My last year at WPHS (11th grade) was stunningly awful, my grades were all like D to D+ from a student that used to average B+ the years prior. I got a reputation as someone who was still "kind/sweet", but also very unstable. I was lucky to have close friends that never ditched me when I was a disgusting mess.

 

I eventually got expelled one day for setting a trash can on fire inside one of the bathrooms. I wasn't trying to burn the school down or hurt anybody - frankly, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing or thinking. I was being a stupid little drugged-up dumbass, no other way around it, but to be fair, the school made a way bigger deal out of it than it really warranted and decided expelling me wasn't enough, but actually threatened legal action, even though no one was harmed and no damage was done. Afterward, with my parents help of course, I tried going to a few different "schools for people who can't go to normal school" and although I didn't have much trouble there, they were drug testing and I was hitting up the drugs pretty hard at this point.

 

The drug testing didn't matter too much anyway in the end - it was becoming clear to my parents and I that continuing to live in Florida was untenable for a multitude of reasons. In addition to my personal struggles, my mom and dad had several excellent reasons to leave America. She broke her neck in 1995 when I was not yet 4, she developed tumors in her feet in the early 2000s, and she fell and broke her back in 2009 alongside a bunch of other lesser health issues over the years - she's always been pretty goddamn broken down, and it only got worse over time. The US's system of "rape you in the ass financially for the inevitability we all face of declining health" was making it so we were barely scraping by.

 

Furthermore we never owned a house in Florida, and rights for tenants are a fucking joke in that country. They were ALWAYS trying to assfuck us out of our deposits despite being very clean and tidy. Oh and worker's rights in the US? Another fucking joke. It's the lowest rated "first world" country by just about every metric. Escape was the only option, that's just the fact of the matter.

 

My dad was born in Australia and spent his first 20 years of life here, so I was born with a dual-citizenship. Although my mom wasn't a citizen in early 2009 (when we moved from FL to AUS), it "only" took a couple of years as she has been married to an Aussie for decades and has two sons that are Australian citizens. Other than finances being stretched thin, moving over here helped the 3 of us so much. Leaving behind the family in FL - brother and his wife, uncles, grandma, cousins - was hard and continues to be to this day, but I just barely escaped with my sanity in-tact, my mother barely escaped with her body in-tact, and my father barely escaped without financial debt eating his soul.. we DID escape though, and life instantly started improving for all of us.

 

^{LOL - WPHS actually sent a cop after us just a few weeks after we moved! They somehow ended up at my older brother's house in Florida, and he was like "dude, they're in Australia, and I moved out years ago. Not my business!" and the cop just kind of bumbled off, or at least that's how my brother described it.. HA, get fucked, cunts! We got away!}

 

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Bottled up peace is fragile

 

Adjusting to high school life in Australia in 2009 was stunningly easy. All I had was half a year of 11th grade and all of 12th grade, and I can say I could never even conceive of a school this laid-back and accommodating of its students back home. At Winter Park high, the entire school looked like a gigantic prison that just happened to have some trees around. There's an 8 ft high fence with barbed wire for christ's sake, at least one armed police offer on campus (even before school shootings started becoming outright trendy over there) not to mention the underpaid black man who struggled with alcoholism that they employed as a "guard" to chase after kids who would commit the CRIME of trying to leave school early.

 

Being able to go to and leave the campus whenever I wanted was something that blew my goddamn mind once I got to Australia. Obviously you couldn't leave class whenever you wanted, but if you started feeling like shit halfway through the day, you'd just go and tell the remaining teachers you had for the day so they knew you weren't "pointlessly skipping" and you were all good. You still had to make up your work, but it was just crazy to me how a school that was so much more permissive ALSO just happened to enjoy a much more happy and pleasant vibe, very few fist fights and stuff, and generally fostered an environment that made students WANT to learn and hang around the campus.

 

God damn, I still miss that school just thinking about it! The contrast between the fucking prison in Winter Park and the school in Canberra was insane, honestly. My grades went right back up to solid B+ average, and stayed there til I graduated 12th grade, for what it's worth. I never gave that much of a shit about actual grades anyway, but I just never found schoolwork that painful in general (other than math) since learning is fun...

 

I met some very cool people at this school, one of whom I am still very close friends with today (he was in the grade above me). Through meeting him in 2009, I eventually met his band in 2010 - a band called Punishment, which had a bunch of incredibly talented musicians all 5 to 15 years older than ourselves. I was already a mediocre guitarist since 2006 and "MIDI tinkerer" since 2004, but this had a huge impact on my life. Without going through each and every one of our adventures or the various (very strange) women I hooked up with after gigs (there's time for that in future blog posts), I joined an adjacent band called The Devilz Work and my passion for music - which was already huge - became a fundamental part of who I am. If I were asked what religion I belong to, my answer would be "Musician", just like Zappa.

 

From 2010 to late 2013, we played gigs fairly regularly and our bands met up and rehearsed at least once a week. Through friends of friends at a party with my bandmates, I met Jewel (who the opener of this blog is about), and generally during this period of my life I was pretty wild and drinking a lot, but I was very happy overall. Playing gigs and seeing as many as 100 or as few as 10 people in the crowd was always so fun, no matter the turnout or if we were on the "graveyard shift" of the concert.

 

The whole reason I left that scene behind was to move to a new city (Melbourne, AU) to live with Jewel.. and that's where things began to take a down turn. I was coping "ok" with repression, because my life was very enjoyable otherwise. But having already been crushing one part of myself, then having to essentially abandon another part of myself was just too much in the long run, even with the deep companionship we shared for those first few years.

 

Life was "mostly peaceful" til our last year together - 2017 to be clear - where it became very much NOT peaceful. We did end things fairly amicably, but it was a really rough and dirty road fought with loud arguments on that last 12-18 months...

 

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Damage Assessment

 

In mid 2017, a few months after Jewel and I getting divorced, I pretty much was grossed out by what I saw in the mirror. I had been for a while anyway, but I just somehow managed to accept it when I had a partner. Being alone though, I started taking a whole new perspective on it.. I was living 9 hours away from the nearest family I had (and had been since late 2013), and the only friends I had were "surface level" friends at work, other than two particularly sweet gents I knew named Sammy and LJ - but even they lived over an hour away, so seeing them outside of work was a rarity.

 

I drank a lot for about a year straight to just shut everything off when I was at home between shifts. My house become really untidy, as did my mind and my body. I would have a toke of reefer here and there ever since goddamn 2005, but I started hitting it wayyy too fucking hard during this period. I managed to stay employed consistently, but that was pretty much the only part of my life I felt I had any control over (obviously not true - but it felt like it).

 

I got REAL fucking fat during this period. I got kinda chonky by late 2014ish, what with being married and all - and felt pretty comfortable with that!.. But this was different, I got so big it was affecting my health, especially on top of my other bad habits. While lonely in 2018 I decided to try online dating, and by sheer luck I met a girl called Teagan who was actually into me at what I considered my worst. She liked how big and "animal like" I was in my disheveled state, put simply. We were happy together, and this did have an overall positive impact on me, but it just wasn't meant to be and lasted shy of a year. In the early half of 2019 we split up.

 

For fear of falling back into total depression and alcohol reliance (which I was able to quickly get out of while dating Teagan), I decided to move back to the town where my parents lived, the one that was 9 hours away. They had manage to buy a duplex on a nice piece of land near the beach, and when I told them in detail everything that had happened, they were very eager for me to move into the uninhabited half of the duplex that they were using for storage. I needed a network, and as it turned out - with them both being over 60 by then, and my mom's enormous list of medical issues - they needed someone to help care for them and the house. So in may of 2019, I finally ended my 6 year bout in Melbourne and went back to my "home town" in Australia. It was a rollercoaster to say the least, but I've been mostly doing better since 2019.

 

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Uncertain, but Afloat

 

Things have been overall mostly-pleasant for me these last 4 years. It's a much more stable and happy era than.. Well, everything from 2008 to about 2018, as far as my personal life goes. That's not to say things are perfect though - I mean, life never is.

 

My ex Teagan and I continued to stay it touch in a flirtatious sort of "we might get back together some time" kind of way all the way through early 2022. None of it was committal, but it was frequent enough and flirtatious/loving enough that it made me feel like I should just stay the "straight" fat dumpy guy that I had fallen into for years anyway. After all, even though it wasn't ideal, I thought I had companionship sorted and I was comfortably living as far as work/rent/family life was concerned, so this was a fine path moving forward to put my chips on.

 

..Well, I was kinda right and kinda wrong. Naturally, even though Teagan and I did meet up roughly once a year since we broke up, as of our last meeting in early 2022, it was plainly obvious to me that this was likely to be the last time. My hopes that her feelings for me would rekindle into a loving relationship were finally put to rest, although it's for the best ultimately. She was nothing but sweet to me and definitely wasn't trying to "string me along" or anything like that - I think she finally had the realization herself at that time as well, and her attraction for me was purely physical. I was not her type beyond that. It was a much more disheartened parting than the other times we'd met up since our breakup.

 

This left me with with yet another reason to assess myself. Not just my own view of myself, which has always been ping-ponged between "ok" and "shitty", but also my viability as a partner for someone else to love and be with. It wasn't a pretty sight. A guy who is overweight, completely disheveled and out of shape. Internally frustrated and just battling that shit in the background of my mind constantly. The one thing I had going for me is that I've been regularly employed since 2012, but that's about it. I did have my guitar and my drums.. which I mostly neglected from 2014 all the way through up to early 2022, with occasional exceptions, but they were dusty, rusty, uncared for, unattended to and forgotten other than random, very infrequent urges. Just like another big part of me.

 

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I know this book is way overdue, but I'd like to return it please. Yes, I'll cover the cost.

 

For the last 6 months, I've finally been slowly but surely practicing a modicum of self care. I went to the gym for a couple months, got burned out on it, but am back on working out again (not at the gym, which is better) for the last 3 weeks and really want to just make it a part of my lifestyle from here on out, rather than some passing thing that just results in me falling back down into a pile of self-hating crap. Doing so will help me to lead a much better life.. and it's not about being some kind of "beacon of perfect mind and fitness". LOL, absolutely not, it's not realistic for me and I don't even want that. I just want to have a little more control over my body and my mind. I want mental and physical strength, and being happy with what I see in the mirror surely will be a big part of that.

 

In the last year, I have managed to lose over 100 pounds, but I still do need to build up a fair bit of muscle from where I've let myself get pretty lame since leaving Melbourne, where I had a very physical job that kept me pretty buff despite being a fat fuck (think Wario, but with regular human proportions). I'm about halfway through my journey of getting my body to be where I want it. I feel good about it. Not great yet -- but good.

 

Being in a position where I'm starting to become comfortable with my appearance again for the first time in a long time, where I'm financially stable, has helped me so much. It's helping me to become comfortable with the full breadth of my sexuality and identity as well.

 

I occasionally do have those deeply negative emotional bouts, I'm currently medicated for depression with prescribed marijuana and have been for a while now, but a consistent struggle throughout my whole life as far as I can remember has been irrationally high highs and low lows, even when I was as young as 10. I switch between feeling confident and comfortable in public to suddenly feeling totally insecure about what my friends think of me, based on hardly fucking anything. However, I have plenty of happy times with my friends and family, and I have a lot to be grateful for (and am).

 

It's not just me that goes through this emotional battle, I know so many others do, but I still feel like crap a lot of the time even during what has been one of the most stable years of my life. It's a lot more stable than any other prior era of my life - which is a great thing, and suggests a generally upward trajectory - but feeling bad and feeling like you have no excuse for feeling bad just makes you feel worse. That's a puzzle I'm still grappling with and I'm sure most of you can relate to, but I can't help but wonder if it's just a lifelong burden. I feel more equipped to try now than I have in a long time, and part of that is why I wanted to recount a very condensed version of my life story for you all to enjoy/ignore/be entertained by/be disgusted by/laugh about.

 

I'm lucky enough to be in a position where buying a home is the next big thing on my life radar, alongside all the other little day-to-day things and trying to re-tame my body and finally stop neglecting so much of my sexuality. As much as I've painted life as a struggle - which I guess is kind of fundamental to life anyway - I'm very lucky to be where I am now, and I realize that.

 

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Lifelong Doom Community Membership / Conclusion of insufferable rant

 

I can't even put into words how much this game, and the community, all the modders and mappers, but also people who just hang around and chat n play, mean to me. It's been a cornerstone of my life for a quarter of a century now. It's so generic to say this these days, but god damn, this game and the people who make the community what it is have seriously, seriously helped me get through some of the lowest lows of my life, and greatly enhanced some of the highest highs. There are people around here I've known and mingled with for so many years, and even a handful who I expect / hope will be friends with me for many more years to come.

 

I've put a fair bit of myself into my work and a lot of myself into my presence on Doomworld as well, but this is by far the most candid, long-winded and over-sharing thing I've ever written on here. The handful of long, LONG time veterans probably gleaned at least a little of this over the years - I mean, I have made some personal posts, blog posts, and even got into those long-winded political arguments all the goddamn time back when they were a bigger part of what this site was about, so the long-timers know where I'm coming from to some degree.

 

Really though, my role in this community has never been to make these kinds of semi-emotional over-sharey type blogs. I've been here to try and teach others all I know, to try and provide resources to players and mappers of all kinds, places to upload wads and play deathmatches, things like the big vanilla wad pack, solo episodes, community projects, make YT videos about Doom, all that fun stuff.. Basically trying to reciprocate all the things so many Doomers over the years have done both directly and indirectly for me. Give and take!

 

By and large I see this as an outlet for all of us collectively getting away from reality for a while, which is why like 80% of my interactions have been "above the board and Doomy in nature". I've been kinda AWOL lately though, and I want you guys to understand why things like Jamal Jones and the Big Vanilla Wad Pack are so overdue for updates, beyond just computer troubles/everday life/being in the process of buying a home. I've had a lot on my mind. I'll be back on the modding and mapping, and even YouTube horse soon - just gotta let the mental tides calm down a little and get on with what needs doing "IRL" as they say, keeping my Doomy time to just enjoying myself and relaxing rather than actively working on stuff.

 

Having recently decided to retake control, and finally doing away with as much self-imposed repression as I can, I've had so much crap swirling around up there that I just needed to dump it, admit things, be honest with myself and my life to anyone who even vaguely cares or would be entertained by it. It had to go somewhere, and even though it's not my norm to do so on DW, I decided to have a giant brain dump here.

 

I really hope you guys don't mind or don't find this incredibly insufferable and fart-sniffy, offputting or anything like that. If anything I'm hoping we can have some fun or thought provoking chats, and that some of you might share your own experiences with me and with the rest of us. This is way cheaper than a therapist, a lot less boring, and frankly I really don't think I need one anyway.

[Biz!]

read through all of it, sorry 'bout to hear your problems with jewel, and america n' all that, venting is healthy & glad you trust doomworld to hear eith problems, I wish you the best as you are one of my idols, in one way or another.

[Chezza]

I don't usually read these very long self reflective posts, but I did. Doomkid got some credible points built up because you tend to be very rational and friendly on here. I think one silver lining to your heavy self reflection / criticisms is honing your skills to analyse and express your thoughts and feelings rationally.

 

Which is interesting, considering your life story and emotional challenges, coupled with a divorce. The fact that you keep trying to bounce back and continue to maintain consistent work amongst it all is impressive. I think we are very different people and would disagree on many things (I'm probably more aligned with your father) but your composure and rationality earns my respect. Hopefully you're the same in your daily life.

 

Don't do drugs and keep losing weight. You WILL fall off the bandwagon and that's ok. It's about recognising it and having will power to gradually get back on track. Take small steps at a time, and eventually you'll climb a mountain before you know it. Sounds like you're already on the path. Quite the roller coaster ride, your life is.

 

Seriously I don't read these things let alone reply giving compliments. I don't like these type of threads. Recognise the validation I'm giving you!

Edited March 9, 2023 by Chezza

[prfunky]

Well YAH Mr. DoomKid!

 

If you want to know what was going on with your family and that dichotomy of voting

one way and talking another, it's called "Nimby" ~ not in my back yard. I'm starting to

think it's a uniquely American attitude.

 

I never knew your age, I just assumed you were younger than I. I did catch a couple

of your Youtube videos years after we originally corresponded here, or was it Zandro?,

can't remember. Anyhow, so you're the same age as my kids basically. But.. you are

getting older. I've never had a big weight issue myself but don't care for the older

person, not in the best shape I can be version of myself either. After a small health

scare in 2012, I started eating better and making sure to get my exercise. I've lived in

Florida back in 1987/88 but generally, I live in a place with not as nice weather. Eight

years ago, I picked up roller skating as something to do indoors when the weather is

cold and crappy outside. It really changed my life. My chiropractor loves me for it

because it builds core strength. I love it because I get a tremendous workout, alot of

it is cardio. But it's also strengthening and balance enhancing. Those two go for both

physical and mental. Anyways, I KNOW there's a roller skating scene in Australia. It's

funny to me to notice the differences in skate preferences between our two continents.

Not sayin' ya have to pick up this hobby, just saying it works for me. If you do try it out,

be sure to invest in safety equipment! Wrist guards at a bare minimum and elbow pads

and a helmet if you try it outdoors.

 

Thanks for all you dedicate to DooM. Having read your story about the last decade and

a half of your life, I find it amazing that you've had the time to do as much in the Doom

community as you have! Personally, I've got one last level I'm working on and that will

probably end my computer work until autumn here. I'll shoot you another DM when I

release it.

 

Take care DoomKid!

 

[Doomkid]

Thank you Biz!, Chezza and Prfunky all for the replies!
 

I recognise and very much appreciate your validation, @Chezza. I’m really glad you took the time to read it and post.

Also I loved rollerblades when I was young @prfunky, but sort of grew out of them. Even if it’s just a one-off, I might give that a whirl again for the first time in a long time - I still enjoy swimming at the beach which I planned to do a little more as well to tighten up a bit.

[Uncle 80]

That was a lot to read, but a great deal of it felt pretty familiar :) I have lived a very similiar life where music, doom, reefer and crazyness have been "redeeming factors" of an otherwise at times bleak existence & state of mind. Those feelings of inadequateness or whatever I had started diminishing rapidly after 30 years old or so, I'll be 43 this year and nowadays I don't have any other worries than my kids well-being and having enough cash for food, housing and bills. But those are practical problems, and much easier dealt with than depression and crap like that. Now and then, I try to picture what I would be like as a person at this time had I not started a family - but I think I'd be roughly the same guy.

Uh, well, anyways - to me, it sounds like you're on track to a better state of existence - being mindful about one's issues while avoiding to overthink them is a healthy way of looking at oneself. Getting stuff done is key! But don't leave behind doom or music (and possibly reefer as well). ;)

[Sneezy McGlassFace]

9 hours ago, Doomkid said:

"Yeah yeah, all that faggy shit is fine, but don't make me look at it for fuck's sake!"

Man, this always frustrated me. Like, it's really nice you vote for a progressive candidate and thinking queers are people too but only as long as it doesn't in any way involve you. Everybody in their right mind sees that tucker is absolutely unhinged, it's easy to argue against him. That doesn't necessarily make one an ally, though. 

This isn't a nag at your folks but I've heard too many stories of people who've grown up in what seemed like pro-lgbt families, realised they're trans or gay or something, and got promptly kicked out. It's fucking heartbreaking, man. 

I'm glad you're learning to accept yourself fully, and have a good relationship with your folks. 

 

I'll skip over all the relationship things because as aro/ace, I've got no clue about any of that stuff. My last relationship was when I was 15yo, and I couldn't be happier with that state of affairs. It's so funny to remember when I was in a club, one girl with whom i danced the evening led me out, and kissed me. And my first thought was "alright, I guess we're doing this." No idea what I should do or even feel, tried to follow along and build a relationship. Of course it fell apart shortly after but it took me a good decade and half to realise I'm just wired differently. All this dating and sex you people do, yeah count me out. It is really fascinating to read/hear people's stories, though. It's so full of drama and intrigue, and intimity, must be absolutely exhausting actually feeling all that and living through it. I'm just vibing. The one thing I very much appreciate on relationships is the emotional closeness, like you can freely speak your mind and listen with full attention. That's nice, platonically. 

[smeghammer]

I'm not a long-time member, but definitely noticed your absence recently. The OP came across as very cathartic and it read like you are in a much better place now. Thank you for sharing.

[PsychEyeball]

Despite all of your hardships, it looks as if your life was one heck of a ride. I'm happy that you took life by the horns all without getting lost along the way. Some people can end in a dark place as a result of bad experiences and I'm happy it didn't happen to you.

 

As someone stuck with crippling anxiety disorder, I'm amazed at all you've been able to accomplish. Your tales were definitely of interest to me.

 

Good to have our Zappa resident back at it here again!

[vyruss]

Glad to hear you've gotten things under control and you're moving forward to being happier.

[Dusty_Rhodes]

I'm glad you have an outlet man, that's absolutely necessary. I wish you the best. 

[nolongeramnion]

Spoiler

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

(holy fuck it's flown by)

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

inability to reASS

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

even though she usually ASSured

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

as mind-fucking

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

system of "rape you in the ass

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

drugged-up dumbass, no other way around

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

Damage Ass

 

20 hours ago, Doomkid said:

Devilz Work and my pASS

 

[nickxcom]

I haven't been able to keep up with Doom lately as much as I would have liked to, but definitely missed the DK updates :) I am glad you have a place to vent and an outlet. You legitimately seem like a great dude from our few interactions and I love your work on here and on youtube so I am glad you are in a better place and am doing better mentally and physically. Feel free to shoot me a message if you ever want to vent or talk about anything at all, I work from home so I'm almost always around a computer lol

[LadyMistDragon]

Hearing you relate your teenage years in such frank detail just made me think of how poorly I would've expressed myself during the same time because I didn't really understand my own internal issues, and when I was aware of anything, the idea of 'going that direction' to be brief, was just too inconceivable! I could go on, but this isn't my blogpost after all and I can guarantee this would go on far longer than anything not by you said so far if I were let off the gas. I completely agree on the overall shittiness of America though. Granted, Florida is kind of one of the worst states but seeing everything you've said, it's all a long way of saying that if we ever felt alienated from family, friends, or the world at large, we are not alone.

 

To say just a little more without bothering to properly explain the why and how: At any rate, the psychological damage and mild gaslighting from my parents is something that even years later, I can't completely live down. Probably makes me weak somehow, but we all do what we can. I suppose it's better than turning into some Joffrey-like psychotic prat or more realistically, this girl in Chicago that went to jail for life, but it's not easy at all.

Edited March 10, 2023 by LadyMistDragon

[TheShep]

I could probably do my own little blog post, writing a big giant thing in Notepad so I can save and not lose it because the internet decided to b0rk or something.

 

But yea, I can relate with the depression stuff. Oddly enough, I too have been able to maintain a career for the most part, but often times for me it's ended up being dead end jobs and for the longest time until the past couple years, underpaid.

 

And of course there's this community, which I have been a member here since 2002, but really haven't propelled myself anywhere near stardom as I don't map. I was going pretty hard with the streaming stuff, but it's hard competing with the stalwarts on both platforms (Twitch and YT), so I just do it to have fun and if i get views, good, if not, oh well (even though I'd like to make affiliate on Twitch :P).

 

Regardless, thanks for sharing a bit of your life on here. I could surely write enough to fill five years of therapy sessions if I wanted, but there's too many details and nitpicks that it could get overbearing.

 

Cheers Doomkid, and hope you continue on your path to self-improvement. I know I try to do so myself.

[kwc]

It means a lot for you to bare your heart like this, DK. It sounds like you've been taking your first steps into a new perspective on life and I'm happy that you're willing to share it, as a great deal of us are around your age and I would wager that most of us have/are or will be experiencing a coming-of-age similar to this.

You've no doubt made somebody feel less alone in this regard. I know this post did that for me, at least.

 

Be proud of yourself, buddy.

[TheSlipgateStudios]

I read everything, it inspires me to be a better person overall, and also achieve my life goals as well! Looks like you had a comeback to get things sorted, and I'm glad you sorted things out! <3

[The_SloVinator]

It's always good to be self-aware & look back on the things that have happened & based on that, improve yourself in any way you see fit.

Remember: No regrets, only lessons learned.

[RandoBust]

On 3/8/2023 at 8:23 PM, Doomkid said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Doomworld used to have a section called "blogs" that got merged with status updates 6 years ago now (holy fuck it's flown by). Since status updates are way more disposable and insular in nature, not being really available for the public beyond your buddy list and being basically lost after leaving your profile's front page, I want to make this as a classic blog-style post. Just providing a little context since threads like this obviously became was less common from early 2017 onward, but I still feel they have value.

It's bizarre - my father, my grandma, and my uncles on BOTH sides of the family are not "anti gay" in that they always vote for the pro-gay-marriage candidate and that kind of thing. 

 

On 3/8/2023 at 8:23 PM, Doomkid said:

"Yeah yeah, all that faggy shit is fine, but don't make me look at it for fuck's sake!"

 

 

 

lol alright

[Doomkid]

14 hours ago, kwc said:

It means a lot for you to bare your heart like this, DK. It sounds like you've been taking your first steps into a new perspective on life and I'm happy that you're willing to share it, as a great deal of us are around your age and I would wager that most of us have/are or will be experiencing a coming-of-age similar to this.

You've no doubt made somebody feel less alone in this regard. I know this post did that for me, at least.

 

Be proud of yourself, buddy.

Thank you so much, kwc. The fact that it makes you feel less alone makes me so damn glad..

 

Your responses have all been great and made me feel better, too. I really appreciate the warm reception of this probably-overpersonal overshare.

 

4 hours ago, RandoBust said:

lol alright

Yeah, the inconsistency was hard to deal with. I’m just glad it always landed more on the side of acceptance than hate, I know so many others deal with far worse at home in that regard.

[Klaesick]

On 3/8/2023 at 6:23 PM, Doomkid said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Doomworld used to have a section called "blogs" that got merged with status updates 6 years ago now (holy fuck it's flown by). Since status updates are way more disposable and insular in nature, not being really available for the public beyond your buddy list and being basically lost after leaving your profile's front page, I want to make this as a classic blog-style post. Just providing a little context since threads like this obviously became was less common from early 2017 onward, but I still feel they have value.

I really hope you guys don't mind or don't find this incredibly insufferable and fart-sniffy, offputting or anything like that. If anything I'm hoping we can have some fun or thought provoking chats, and that some of you might share your own experiences with me and with the rest of us. This is way cheaper than a therapist, a lot less boring, and frankly I really don't think I need one anyway.

You are Absolutely good in my book! There's a close friend of mine on Discord who've I've known for 3 years that's gone through a lot and spills his heart out constantly.
All of us are mentality fucked, some of more, some of us less. Take me for example, I struggle a lot with overthinking everything, and minor stresses sending my brain into complete overdrive/meltdown.
Sharing our experiences can be the best ways to heal, or atleast stop ourselves form picking our wounds.

Thank you so much for everything you've done for the community these past almost 23 years! You've remain such a friendly, chill dude, and I hope you get that House of yours! Whether you remine inactive to work on yourself, continue to bond with the community, or both, take care of yourself out there.
Here's to many more years of service!

[Scuba Steve]

 

[CBM]

very interesting thread...

 

Being bi-sexual myself, I can certainly identify with the issues of growing up as a bi-sexual.

It wasnt something most people or parents accepted in the 80s or 90s :-)

 

[Osmosis Bones]

This was an interesting read. It's always nice to have these little campfire talks about ourselves, it's one of, if not the greatest way of bonding with people. I don't have much else to add other than I agree being a senior in an Australian high school is one of the most liberating feelings ever (I think it's the only redeeming thing about the school system here).

 

 

Also greetings fellow bi-guy

[BassSlapper89]

Thank you for sharing your story bro.

 

Sorry to hear about the subjects you mentioned that turned out being unfortunate.

 

I know I am barely here on Doomworld, mostly to keep everyone updated with Jazz Jackrabbit Doom or random posts in forums. Anyways, you always give off "chill, cool vibes." You are a cool cat! 

 

I am glad things are getting better for you.

If you ever need to vent or chat, the door is open and for all here who read this.

 

Much love and cheers from Texas!

[Scypek2]

On 3/9/2023 at 2:23 AM, Doomkid said:

/ Conclusion of insufferable rant

 

I'm not sure if I have much to say other than expecting my support, but this in particular I have to object to. "Beginning of insufferable rant" would've been a fair enough first header to serve as a warning, but if someone read it this far and hated every minute of it (or even skimmed it and hated every second of it) instead of hitting the back button, that would mean they have a self-control issue they need to work on.

 

Writing autobiographically like this is a great way to assess your life and see things in perspective. Almost like solving equations on paper instead of in your head, but with life and feelings instead of math. So it definitely would've been a good idea to write this down, even if no one had read it. It was nice to gain some insight into your life, too. I'm glad you've made it to where you are and you're doing decently well now. Congrats on escaping the USA :P

 

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your family, too. I'd take a vaguely supportive person who can be reasoned with over someone who supports me in a lot of ways but won't budge on things they don't like. I think much of my family is just like that, and it's reassuring to think that someday, one of them might tell me "you should be less gay", but then I'll say "no", and then they'll say "fair enough".

[HorseJockey]

On 3/8/2023 at 8:23 PM, Doomkid said:

13 years of attempting to downplay or deny thoughts you have fairly consistently doesn't take the whole 13 years to grind away at your mental state. It can start right away, or even before you consciously realize what you're doing.

Relatable, thanks for sharing.

[MFG38]

I wanted to toss some of my own thoughts into the ring earlier but was oddly hesitant about doing so, and I'm not exactly sure as to why. But given that sexuality is a subject you touch upon here and something big on that front happened in my own life last weekend, I figured now if ever is a good time to share a part of my own life story. This is obviously gonna get pretty personal and slightly NSFW, so you've been duly warned.

 

I've lately been thinking about my own sexuality quite a bit, in particular from the perspective of demisexuality and whether or not I fit into that label. It's a concept that I sort of struggle with - I know that it's, at its core, the idea of not experiencing sexual attraction to someone unless there's a deep emotional connection first, but the thing about it that I still ponder is what exactly it entails. How deep it can go on a psychological level.

 

Now, I'm by no means a sexually active person, and that's part of the reason I'm only now starting to take a deeper dive into my own sexuality at the age of 28. I could attribute a lot of it to being on the autism spectrum, but that's an entirely different discussion and I'm working towards ending that particular kind of self-deprecation. Anyway, I did have an opportunity to try having sex back when I was 20 - if I mention Amsterdam and the Red Light District, that should be a clear enough hint as to how that happened. Now, I say "try having sex" because next to nothing came of that misadventure, least of all me. At the time, I attributed my failure to nervousness, but...

 

...fast-forward to the evening of April 15th, 2023, the night I technically truly lost my virginity. The circumstances that night were drastically different as opposed to what happened back in Amsterdam in that I did it with an actually trusted individual in a safe environment. And my overall performance was a lot better. (Disclaimer: The idea was hers, not mine.) I was still nervous, granted, but in a hell of a different way - after all, there's a whole discussion that revolves around FWBs and the risks involved in such a relationship. But in lack of a significant other, she was definitely the next best option, and I don't regret taking her up on the offer.

 

Circling back to demisexuality, how those two events relate to my contemplations about whether I fit that label or not should be pretty self-explanatory. I feel I should clarify at this point, even if it isn't entirely necessary, that those two instances are the only sexual experiences I have. One utter failure with a complete stranger, one successful encounter with someone I know and trust. Even with my limited experience, I do think that the signs point to a potential psychological "condition" where my ability to perform sexually is tied to how close the other person is. But the question is, does that fall under the definition of demisexuality or is it something else entirely?

[Sneezy McGlassFace]

49 minutes ago, MFG38 said:

Spoiler

I wanted to toss some of my own thoughts into the ring earlier but was oddly hesitant about doing so, and I'm not exactly sure as to why. But given that sexuality is a subject you touch upon here and something big on that front happened in my own life last weekend, I figured now if ever is a good time to share a part of my own life story. This is obviously gonna get pretty personal and slightly NSFW, so you've been duly warned.

 

I've lately been thinking about my own sexuality quite a bit, in particular from the perspective of demisexuality and whether or not I fit into that label. It's a concept that I sort of struggle with - I know that it's, at its core, the idea of not experiencing sexual attraction to someone unless there's a deep emotional connection first, but the thing about it that I still ponder is what exactly it entails. How deep it can go on a psychological level.

 

Now, I'm by no means a sexually active person, and that's part of the reason I'm only now starting to take a deeper dive into my own sexuality at the age of 28. I could attribute a lot of it to being on the autism spectrum, but that's an entirely different discussion and I'm working towards ending that particular kind of self-deprecation. Anyway, I did have an opportunity to try having sex back when I was 20 - if I mention Amsterdam and the Red Light District, that should be a clear enough hint as to how that happened. Now, I say "try having sex" because next to nothing came of that misadventure, least of all me. At the time, I attributed my failure to nervousness, but...

 

...fast-forward to the evening of April 15th, 2023, the night I technically truly lost my virginity. The circumstances that night were drastically different as opposed to what happened back in Amsterdam in that I did it with an actually trusted individual in a safe environment. And my overall performance was a lot better. (Disclaimer: The idea was hers, not mine.) I was still nervous, granted, but in a hell of a different way - after all, there's a whole discussion that revolves around FWBs and the risks involved in such a relationship. But in lack of a significant other, she was definitely the next best option, and I don't regret taking her up on the offer.

 

Circling back to demisexuality, how those two events relate to my contemplations about whether I fit that label or not should be pretty self-explanatory. I feel I should clarify at this point, even if it isn't entirely necessary, that those two instances are the only sexual experiences I have. One utter failure with a complete stranger, one successful encounter with someone I know and trust. Even with my limited experience, I do think that the signs point to a potential psychological "condition" where my ability to perform sexually is tied to how close the other person is. But the question is, does that fall under the definition of demisexuality or is it something else entirely?

 

 

The asexual spectrum (in which demisexuality is a part of) is only defined by low or absent sexual attraction to others. Some ace people like sex for the emotional closeness to their partner, some can't stand even the thought of having sex. It's got nothing to do with your "performance," that was possibly just due to nervousness. Being intimate is being vulnerable, which is potentially dangerous, depending on who the other person is. There is a lot of mutual trust going into it.

The whole ace spectrum is pretty wide, and there are countless sub-categories for people who want to fall in. If they're interested in it with a pin-point accuracy. The fact that those categories are defined by the absence of something is pretty confusing, I think. Fortunately, there are plenty resources you can read through, trying to find answers. Here's a nice one, particularly the FAQ I find easy to understand. https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/ Give it a read, maybe you are on the ace spectrum, maybe you aren't.

 

But I also want to say that sexuality and other things like autism shouldn't be tied to one's sense of self worth. There are social pressures and expectations to fit in, to be a certain way, but the reality is that people are varied. We're not all the same, and trying to force everybody to look and act """normally""" (whatever that means) is pretty harmful. Even to those who do fit the criteria of normalness. The world is rich and vibrant, why should everybody fit a certain arbitrary mold? Different doesn't mean lesser.

 

Anyway, I identify as aromantic-asexual, that's what the colored stripes on my pfp mean. Being a man who just turned 30 early this month, I'm very comfortable with this label. It doesn't define me, it just describes the way I am. I am still me, no better or worse for it.

[TheDanMarine]

I would just like to point out re: the bit where she accuses you of cheating constantly, for the sake of people reading who might not know and end up taking away a dangerous unintended message from your "no one did anything wrong" statement:  

 

that is controlling behavior and is, in fact, bad. the only context in which that's even slightly okay is if you have cheated on her before. in any other that is not something you should put up with from someone who's supposed to love you. it's also usually a sign of one of two things: either they've been hurt before and are taking it out on you, an innocent third party (obviously not good); or they're cheating on you already and projecting to get the trail off themselves (way, way worse).

 

the rest I don't really have enough experience with to comment on.