Melfice

So lately things have been between exciting and boring. I got the packet of information from the Illinois Institute of Arts yesterday, a few days earlier than they said I'd receive it. Looking through it, I was amazed at the stuff. It's a bit overwhelming, really. They had some facts in there, and I found out that starting salaries for Graphic Artists (Game Design falls under that catagory) usually start out making $45,300 a year. Like, woah. I'll be doing alot more with my life than alot of people I know will, and makes a feeling of greatness. It also came with a course outline of what I'd be doing for each quarter and everything, and then a bunch of other info. Next week I have an appointment with Mrs. Hendrin (my former High School counceller) to see about scholarships and funds and stuff like that. This whole thing has me so excited and looking forward to life. For once I have a direction, and think I'll beable to enjoy my future, and I'll beable to make friends like myself and actually get to hang out more than once a month.

I'm trying to decide a way to lose weight. I've thought about a low-carb diet or something on the order of that I dunno. I was watching the food channel today and the show on there was called "Low Carb and Lovin It", and he claimed to lose a ton of weight, as well as his family. Hah I feel really weird typing this into this journal, I'm actually talking about health stuff. But hey, atleast I'm not gonna endanger myself with it or get carried away. The way I see it, a person can be healthy and watch their weight and everything with getting completely carried away over it and end up annorexic or giving up meat.

Also I found my 1st Ed. AD&D Player's Handbook, Deities & Demigods Manual, and 1st Ed. Monster Manuals yesterday. It's kind of funny to look at the stuff in them. The artwork is old, but still god...in a way.

Tommorrow night Lance said something about coming over which would be cool. I think I'm gonna proxy up most of what I'm missing because all the stuff's on the way. I have three T2/Standard decks under construction right now. The closest to being done is Mono-Red, however the most realistic of being done first is my Mono-Blue even though it's farthest from complete. The Mono-Blue seems like it'll be the funnest. Cards in italics I already have, cards with a * are on the way via snail-mail trading

25 land
1 Minamo, School at Water's Edge
18 Island
3 Stalking Stones
3 Blinkmoth Nexus***

5 creatures
2 Meloku the Clouded Mirror**
3 Keiga, the Tide Star

30 other spells
2 Oblivion Stone**
3 Echoing Truth
3 Relic Barrier
4 Hinder
3 Condescend
4 Thirst for Knowledge****
4 Mana Leak
3 Annul
4 Vedalken Shackles****
3 Last Word

So I don't have much to get.

PEN MISSLE! NYYYYEEEERRRRMMM BOOM!


Bahahahahahaha missle go boom.

12/10/04 04:13 am - Real.

It hit me earlier, and the more I think about it, the more I know the answer. Is there anyone real out there anymore, or is everyone just part of some following? Are there any real people out there anymore. The ones who don't go around with some gimmick they've attached to just because it looks cool at the time, while it slowly fades away and a new one forms so they'll always have a place to belong? Think about it. You know the answer. No, there isn't. Okay, so maybe there's a rare few (a few, when in comparison to the world, keep in mind, can mean several) that are, but otherwise, no. It's sickening to me. As an artistic person, an individual, a unique individual, different from everyone else in the fact that every person is born unique, that someone would want to conform and people have to survive socially by clinging to groups that they claim they like or are cool. Why not just be ourselves? Is it because people are that boring, that they feel the need to continuously reject their own uniqueness in order to belong? Are humans really pathetic enough that they can't have a social life without this? Seriously. Think about it. Think of the people around you, that you know. Think about yourself. Do you have your own meanings, your own set of things that you stand for, or are your morals and standards merely a carbon-copy of a thousand other people's that belong in the same clique as you? It's a crime if the answer is yes, because you know what? It changes you. And I've seen it happen several times over. You change who you are subtly until you're something you're not, and then you don't even realize it because you can't see it through other people's eyes. It's one thing to share the same ideal as someone else does, to stand on common grounds, it's another thing to conform to eachother or a group throwing away your real personality in order to be completely part of that clique. People that do this, to be blunt sicken me. And you probably do, too.

At the beginning of time (for the rest of mankind), in 1520, there was a huge meat ball known as God. Then there were his four suns, known as Jesules, Abraham, Lincon, Alex, and Donny. One day, Donny betrayed the other Jesits and Jesus, and tried to kill them to take over England, England being heaven. Jesus got pissed and exiled Donny to Hell in Mexico.

He turned Donny into an Armadillo, and dubbed him Armadildo, and that really pissed Armadildo off. So he began to eat the innocent Jesulites, shitting out mexicans who were actually his demon minion shrews in disguise, who upon jumping the border to purgatory aka America, would shred everything to bits. Eventually it would be so overran with the demonic shrews, that Jesus would come to take everyone back to heaven. Then the great battle would begin.

Armadildo would invade England and exact his revenge. However those who worshiped Jesus and the Jesules, the Jesulites, who were like elves except they wore frilly things and didn't have bells on their shoes, had a plan. At night they steal little kid's underwear by going through their drawers and then back underground through tunnels, where they had secret machines that they stuck the underwear in, and then popped out a replica Jesulite. Eventually there was so great numbers of Jesulites, that Jesulitse could defeat the shrews, and Jesus would destroy Armadildo once and for all!. And that is how it went down in the Jesulites bible, which was named Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy except that a guy wrote a book and named it that and was more famous so now they're coming up with a new name for it.

In the midst of creating a website for TeamKill, I began messing around with my website and decided to mature it a bit. It's no longer quite as chaotic. It's a flash site, but I think I've managed it pretty well. The links are down minus the 'News' section which loads up on start, but I just wanted to post it here to showoff the new interface :)

Journey of the Lost

The website is also home for a music project me and a friend are working on. Note the link at the bottom to my other website *hint*hint* thats more doom related. And that one *is* complete.

Thought-Flow Nov. 6th, 2004 @ 04:40 am

Let's be smart. Let's be special. Let's quote every man in history as a way of expressing ourselves through other people's words, when we could come up with something meaningful ourselves. Voltaire, Stalin, Jefferson. Anyone you like, so long as its what you think, and in someone else's words so you don't have to come up with it. Things have a habit of meaning more, when you do them yourself. Maybe that's why I've never been one to ask for help, regardless of how bad I needed it. I could sit there stuck on a math problem for the entire hour, or not understand it. I wouldn't ask how to do it. I'd half-ass it and hope it was right. Sometimes, success. Often times, failure. There are annoyances I have to face. You have to face. They have to face. You can't do anything about it either. It's a pleasent thought, isn't it? But the weak ones are the ones that are the creators and controllers of said annoyances, that can make them go away. You know what one of those annoyances is, for me? One-way minds. The minds that insist that the way they're doing things is the only way, and refuse to explore other possibilities, other methods, other outcomes. The ones who think if they don't continue the way they're going now. Right now. That they will fail miserably and be doomed for the rest of their life, regardless of if the path their own right now will ultimately lead to them being unhappy anyway. People. People are idiots. Last Tuesday, over half of america proved that they're ignorant, stupid, bastards. Trent Reznor said it best. "One step closer to the end of the world. The one-two combo of corporate greed and organized religion apparently proved to be too much for reason, sanity, and compassion. It's a sad and shameful day, to be an american."

American. America. The United States of Hypocrisy. The land of the fr..wait. Freeze. Stop. The land of... what? The word is missing. Without purpose things disappear. The land of "blank." The purpose of the word "free" in that sentence has disappeared. It's reason for being there, now null and void, has caused it to discretely fade away as we head into the future. It's purpose used to be to explain that we are about freedom, choice, and practice of our own beliefs, without hinderence. What happened? Ironically, America, as many well know, went on it's own holy crusade to rid the world of the Red Scare, aka, communism. There are but few communist nations left in this world. Ironically, the U.S., grows closer to being one of them.

Dateline, November 5th, 2004. Webb City, MO. A new student from Arkansas is suspended from school for wearing gay pride shirts. Said student is gay, and was a member of a Gay Youth club in their previous school. But. It's okay for kids to go around with anti-gay material, and pins that say "God made Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve." Atleast Steve isn't a slut. Shhh. I didn't tell you that. The picture is all wrong. No, not that picture. Go bigger. Even bigger. The biggest you can imagine. The entire fucking world, in a frame. The entire world is in a glass frame, and everyday a hammer is repeatedly being taken to that picture, breaking it, destroying it. The glass has shattered, much like the dreams of those who live there. One hit. Two hits. Three hits. You're out. It's no wonder the people like to live in their own little dream world, ignoring everything else around them. This the previous generation has left us with. Thanks mom and dad, grandpa and grandma. Thanks for fucking up the world, and handing it to us so we can try to put it back together. But again, wait. Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore. Too fucked up to care anymore. It's beyond repair. You can't fucking fix something, and you can't bring change, unless enough people are willing to do so. No. They aren't. They're too busy being happy fucking things up even further, blindly. Ignorance is bliss...until you get whats yours.

We need a new world. Just go to sleep. Everytime I close my eyes there's a vivid new world waiting, chapters unfinished, fading. Dreams and nightmares were never more safe to live in, than they are now. Enjoy your dreams, because more than likely, that's all they'll remain.

Current Music: A Perfect Circle - "Annihilation"

I've got a friend who's moving here from Holland, so I'm trying to help him get some information. If you can't tell me yourself but know a link to a website it'd help greatly.

First, what does it take to get a Visa/how much does it cost/etc.?

Second, do you all know of any good websites to figure out how much it would cost to Kansas City from Amsterdam (or Rotterdam would be better if possible)? I've tried seeing how much it would cost on Expedia.com but to no avail.

Thirdly, when you fly over here like that, what would one do about his/her possessions? Like how much can you take with you?

I'd appreciate any help at all :)

Starting making a new playlist today. Usually I make playlists when I'm entering a new stage, so to speak. Looking over it all I have a ton of different mix cds. All mostly the same artists though. I need to copy the music from my desktop onto my laptop since thats usually where I make mix cds at. Would provide for more variety.

Driven Mix
The Game - Disturbed
Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth - Marilyn Manson
Awakening - The Daming Well
Rexall - Dave Navarro
Forsaken - Jon Davis
I Won't Lie Down - Face to Face
It's On! - Korn
Head Like a Hole (live) - Nine Inch Nails
Fire - Scooter
Heads Explode - Monster Magnet
Parabola - Tool
Vermillion, pt1 - Slipknot
Links 2 3 4 - Rammstein
Nazi Halo - Jack Off Jill
Know Your Enemy - Rage Against the Machine
Perry Mason - Ozzy Osbourne
Resurrection - Fear Factory

(not necissarily in that order, I still have yet to put them in a certain order)


Personal Jesus Mix

Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson
Stupify - Disturbed
Hey Daddy - Korn
Judith [Renholder Mix] - A Perfect Circle
I'm Afraid of Americans - David Bowie
The Fragile (live) - Nine Inch Nails
Slept So Long - Jay Gordon
Stay and Drown - Finger Eleven
Christianity - Skinny Puppy
Goneja - Skinny Puppy
Mantra - Tool
Schism - Tool
The Noose - A Perfect Circle
Circle - Slipknot
The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails
Coma White (Acoustic) - Marilyn Manson
Mad World - ??? (I need to find out the name of that guy)


Torn Apart Mix

Nazi Halo - Jack Off Jill
A Perfect Circle - Judith
Goodbye - Gravity Kills
Ticks & Leeches - Tool
Down With the Sickness - Disturbed
Brutality - Urban Voodoo
Cold - Static X
Rev 22:20 - Puscifer
Born Again - Marilyn Manson
All In the Family - Korn
Awakening - The Daming Well
No, You Don't - Nine Inch Nails
Swamp - Tweaker
Linoleum - Tweaker
Engel - Rammstein

It's 1:16 am as I begin this, sitting in the downstairs living room at Lance's house, awaiting to depart for Olathe in 5 to 6 hours. Nathan is asleep on the air matress in front of me, Lance in his room. I had been attempting to sleep in what used to be the room of the oldest of Lance's younger brother's. I couldn't sleep.

I had layed there for an hour. Tossing and turning, I thought about the present, and the future. I thought about my soon-to-be-job. I thought about finishing the car, which I shall soon come up with a name for. I thought about the deck I had strategically planned out yesterday, and some of the cards. Through all of that, not in that order, my train of thought ended up derailed as I began to think of Brandyn. Still without answers, I would think of the one night we spent together, what might have been wrong. I couldn't think of anything. I never got straight answers from him, I was left to my best guess being the complications that would arise due to him not being out, and his parents being as strict as they are. Perhaps I wasn't good enough for him. That thought provoked me to imagine a scenario, where in front of his house I had parked with my finished car, a classic, and with it was obviously me, except after losing alot of weight from working out. I would deliver to him the two dvds, and on the Queen of the Damned dvd, would be the note saying "I cannot be forsaken." I would drive off into the distance, leaving him to have second thoughts about what he had done, were that the reason for what the lonliness that I now face again. For how long, uncertain. I am certain that in the end, I can do better anyway.

What bothers me about it, is not the fact that I lost Brandyn. Not at all. What bothers me is the lack of closure, and not knowing what the problem really is. It's a curse that drives me to continue persuing things no matter the subject. A natural want I have to know the complete story behind things that involve me, and to beable to end it, without leaving any strings untied. To beable to use that knowledge and learn from my mistakes. Eventually, I'll completely be over him, and won't think about him except on rare occasion. I'm soon going to have a job, I'm working out so I can lose weight and be healthier, and I have a car to finish. I have goals for once in my life. Now, the hardest part, is to keep those goals in focus, and push obstacles aside. Perhaps I needed for this to happen. It seems to have given me the edge I need to finally get started on things I should have began long ago. I've got alot of catching up to do now that my mind is in it's right place. Here's hoping it'll stay that way...

"Chill dude...it's going to be fine." "No it's not going to be fucking fine."

Nothing ever does. It's just one huge fucking disappointment. I thought everything would be fine with Fernando but he was a fucking whore. I thought everything would be fine with another guy I know until he decided that living 2 hours away just wasn't going to work. My fucking faimly constantly fight with eachother and I'd think it'd be fucking fine eventually but it isn't. Life is one huge fucking cosmic joke and I don't get the punchline. It'd be one thing if my entire fucking life wasn't more than a huge disappointment. The pieces are only as good as the whole. Every fucking piece is a disapointment. A tragic ending to something that began well. And I'm fucking sorry if i'm a depressing fuck but jesus christ nothing ever turns out right. I didn't want to be inconsequential, I didn't want to be the wasted potential, I didn't want to let the truth be perverted, but everyday I'm finding out the hardway that nothing is what it seems. The reality is never better than the dream.

And yet I still sit here with no way of knowing what will happen next as life is the unpredictable shit hole that it was never made out to be. The virus of life. I don't know what the fuck to do. The slipknot Vermillion said it best: He's a myth that I have to believe in. I have to believe that a guy is there that I will beable to be with and get away from all this shit with. All I know is if I'm not utterly depressed I may still have fun this weekend after riding the downward spiral to the bottom attempting to not cut myself on the razor blade edges. I thought I found my personal jesus, he turned out to be a false prophet. All is not well that ends well, the ending never is well. At the moment you're probably sitting there wondering who the fuck I've turned into and how the hell I can speak the words that I do but all I have to say is that my mind is a black hole because everytime I may feel for something the feelings get sucked away as I bide my time acting like everything will turn out fine.

The only real condolence I have in my life is that I'm not the only one who suffers the feelings that I feel. Others look at it as an injustice to have to live with such feelings but I look at it as a warped justice because everything that's shelled to you in life someone else is sure to have gotten served to them as well. While I would never kill myself sometimes it becomes more apparent why my friend Derick attempted to shoot himself in the face with a shotgun. He told me that he had no further purpose here, whatever purpose he had, had been fulfilled. All that was left for him was years of labor to merely satisfy his existence, and the large dosage of painful emmotions he would endure topped with a thin layer of joy.

No one will comment on this. No one gives a shit enough to do so. So I bid you all good day.

Well the last two nights have been rather productive thusfar. Last night I was asked by fellow forum member Dunbar to do the .mp3 soundtrack for an upcoming ZDoom mod. Gladly I obliged and began to ask for details on a few places so I could begin since I was in the mood to do some music anyway. Sometime soon after more work on the maps themselves have been done I'm sure there'll word about it around here. I asked persmission to share a few of the tracks I've made thusfar for it. So here's a little preview of what my last couple nights have been spent making.

The Sewers, Level 1 (think ninja & mutant infested sewers)
The Subway, Level 1
The Subway, Boss Theme

Ok, last night's dream was just fucking wierd, but not in a bad way, wierd as in I have no idea wtf I would have dreamed that for. And this is also the first case where I've met Trent in a dream.

I'm not sure about the beginning of the dream all I know is that its really dark and we're driving around and next thing you know it's dusk. That's right, time went backwards, or atleast the day/night thing did. Anyway, I get off of this boss and go to this store and look for nin singles and cds, and was originally for some wierd ass reasons looking for a dragonball z toy from one of my other dreams (mind you, I hate dbz now). So I go upstairs and there's all these old, dirty looking toys that are guns and weapons and shit, and along the walls are cds and books and dvds on shelves. So I go look at the nin ones, I find a single for Head Like a Hole, a single for TDTWWA, and some bootleg that has rare songs on it. I proceed to look for an import cd by a band I like that's only released one cd, that I've never been able to find.

Anyway, after that I'm leaving. Everything fades to black, and suddenly I'm hearing The Frail. Next thing I know I'm walking through a dark corridor out to the side of a huge fucking stage. There's no guard rails or anything. It's like a huge auditorium rather than a stadium. I look up and its gone into the end of The Wretched while I was trying to find a place to sit. I look up to see Trent smashing a keyboard, and its all techy and stuff, the keys flash different colors. Then he tosses it off stage in my direction before I realize it (I was stunned, I probably would have got nailed in the head if it had been thrown at me from shock), and this stupid looking chubby kid by me gets it, it was like he tossed it directly at him.

Well, I was pissed. He started singing 'I'm Looking Forwars to Joining You, Finally', and it was great. Suddenly he started looking for someone to come up on stage and sing the rest. And I was all hyped, and then he pointed at me, so a security guy helped me onto the stage, and I sang the last half of the song. For some reason, after the concert was over, I got back on stage. Hardly anyone was still there and those who were were scattered around. I went back to one of the props that looked like a small fountain (wtf?), and there were Magic cards inside of it. The head of it was rotating somehow, but as I looked down into it there was something I wanted, even though I don't remember what it was. Trent came up and asked me what I was doing and I said I'd dropped a Worldslayer in there (note: Worldslayer is a card that I collect because I really like it, I have 9 of them, 1 foil, 1 japanese foil).

He said to just get it out of there, and I accidentally picked up another card and looked at it and he said something like "well, that one's not that great anyway, is it?" I agreed, shook his hand and thanked him for the conert, and headed off of the side of the stage. On the side of the stage there were this statues of angels without genitelia, holding swords. Probably about 4ft tall. Now in real life I would never do this, but in the dream I grabbed it, and ran out to the bus with it. I put it on top the seat and told this fat chick to get the fuck out of my seat, got the statue, sat it on the floor in front of me, and we left. Thus ends my really wierd dream with Trent in it.

No, not the website...



Me.

I'm going to the Magic prerelease next weekend as a ninja. Why? There will be ninjas in the set. Also, the 19th is "Talk Like a Pirate Day." But fuck pirates. Pirates don't perform seppuku. Which I may do if defeated...fakely. And yes that mask is made from a t-shirt that's too small for me.

"And then there were thousands of them. Rats...dirty dirty Rats..." - Ms.Bitters

I love Invader Zim. And I also love this:



Heh, casual has never been so fun. With a card from the set Stronghold (reprinted in 8th Edition), I can make infinite Rats :D

BTW, Fear means it can't be blocked except by black and/or artifact creatures. They turned it into a "keyword" so they wouldn't have to waste a ton of card text space starting with the Onslaught expansion.

Copied my friend's two Radiohead cds "Kid A" and "Pablo Honey" today. I only like two songs on Kid A, where as I like all of Pablo Honey. I also like OK Computer.

I decided to start playing the Necrons in Warhammer40K. However my friend is playing Tyranids. If I get in close combat, I'm fucked.

The new Magic set is going to fucking kickass.

Pick a cd by a band that you like that you feel you can relate to most. List each song and next to it reflect a line from the song to an event in your life or your feelings on something, or describe why that song fits you (atleast a sentence for each song)

Marilyn Manson
Mechanincal Animals

01 Great Big White World - I love this as the opening track on this cd. When I'm feeling down or in a bad mood, I put this on knowing it'll play first. It expresses how I feel..."It's a great big white world, we're all drained of our colors, we used to love ourselves, we used to love one another", which describes the way I feel about the cold heartedness and how uncaring most people are anymore.

02 The Dope Show - Describes holly wood perfectly and fame. "They love you when you're on all the covers. When you're not, they love another.."

03 Mechanical Animals - Makes me think of how superficial everything is now. Also, it has alot of lines that I find reflect on the way I've felt before. Basically the entire song.

04 Rock is Dead - Well, I don't know why this particular one fits me. Maybe the line "sell all the living for more safer dead", being that no one cares about the consequences of their actions anymore, and people would be better off, and safer, dead. And yes, "God is in the TV", because parents let the television babysit their kids for them.

05 Disassociative - This song, to me, reflects my everlasting plea to escape everything. "I can tell you what to say in space, that the earth is too gray" and "The world was killing me", because it's true, it's so very true. "I can never get out of here, I don't wanna just float in fear" reminds me of the fact that life seems to never go anywhere.

06 The Speed of Pain - A fundamental rule in my life: "When you hate it, always seems to last, when you love it, never seems to last." Anything good that happens in my life never does last, but all the negative and bad things remain. "I can't lay on my back, because of the knife for everyday that I've known you" describes the back-stabbing from the start that I've endured with people I thought were friends in my life.

07 Posthuman - "God is a number you cannot count to." It's true. God is the ammount of people who believe in him. If no one believes in him, then he's not real. "God is just a statistic", by how many people believe in him and how many people don't.

08 I Want to Disappear - "I'm a million different things, not one, you know." There aren't many people that know me, and alot of the people that think they do really only think they do, because they don't.

09 I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me) - "Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all" reminds me of the fact that the parents and school systems don't teach kids shit anymore. All teachers care about are their paychecks, and all parents care about is themselves. Besides, as long as we don't know what's going on around us, we're no threat to people who are doing wrong, eh?

10 New Model, No.15 - "I'm as fake as a wedding cake" describing superficial people again. "Pitifully predictable, correctly politically" describes so many people I know. Never can be different, they always have to be the same and fit in, fall in line with conformity and find happiness in slavery.

11 User Friendly - Well, I'm User Friendly, as long as you don't screw me over :P

12 Fundamentally Loathesome - "I just suffer, and I hope to die someday." True. "When I hate it, I know I can feel, but when you love you know it's not real." That'e experience talking, after loving people and finding you didn't love them as you thought you did, or they fuck you over in the end. "Shoot myself to love you, If I loved myself, I'd be shootinig you." God...I've ended up feeling this way about so many people... this is my favorite line off of the entire cd.

13 The Last Day on Earth - "And now I've found you, but it's almost too late." Yeah, something always comes up, and it ends up a temporary thing. It sucks. So much.

14 Coma White - "'Cause you were from the perfect world, the world that threw me away today." People just throw you away like trash, and treat you like it. Everyone lives in their perfect little world, where nothing can go wrong, and they don't care about anyone else so long as they're happy. "A Pill to make you numb, A pill to make you dumb, A pill to make you anybody else, But all the drugs in thise world, won't save her from herself." That's the way I feel about people who do drugs, drink, or even smoke. Used to, I never saw a reason to it. One day my ex-best friend Tim told me "It's because it makes you feel like you're in control, and because it takes your mind off of how fucked your life really is." Well, what the song said was true. You can do that shit all you want, but it's not gonna make it all go away. It'll always still be there when you come back to reality, or when the pot, cig, or you get over your hang over the next morning from getting drunk. All just a temporary thing to escape, but it doesn't last forever.

I saw the strangest thing today I have seen in a long, long, long, time. I was out of town shopping, and I went to the mall. Right inside the entrance, there stood this 300+ lb guy, and he was wearing these pants from Hot Topic with all this chains hanging off of him +papercips and saftey pins attached. The pants were pulled up his body really far like Steve Erkel. Then he had a pink shirt on that says "only real men where pink" in black, big letters, with Converse shoes on. He had peircings all over his head, and then his head was shaved except for spots here and there where hair was spiked probably about an inch and a half upwards, like Pinhead from hellraiser or something. Whatever hair he had had been bleached. I noticed in his hand was a twinky. Yes, a twinky. On the neck of his shirt hung his glasses, huge, round , thick glasses. I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Carmack's worst nightmare of the Mancubus has entered the building. Now I have to bring my digicam everywhere with me, god knows what I'll see next time I'm there.

You might think the subject of this has something to do with Doom 3. Well it doesn't. What it has to do with is living through a situation all too terrifyingly real. Sometimes, when you've never seen something before and it burries itself so deep in your mind, you can't get that image out of your head. It traumatizes you. That is what I dealt with today.

Today started out as a normal day. I woke up around noon after talking to Joshua on the phone for a long time the night before. My sister had come in my room asking if I had the phone, and I said I was waiting for a call even though I wasn't, simply because if she got it she'd be on it for hours. Later I got up and did my usual waking up stuff, then grabbed my laptop out of the living room and went back to my room for a while and got on the internet, talked to Tyler about us visiting one or the other. Today was the day that Doom 3 was released, and I was excited. I asked Coleman if he'd call BestBuy in Joplin (since he lives there now) on msn if he'd call them and ask if they have it. He said they did, and I was even more excited. I was hungry and didn't want left-overs so I cooked Lasagna (yes, I cook). Shortly after that my mom came home...

Everything seemed normal. She was tired from work, had awaited a call from her boyfriend and got it, then called my grandmother. They were still talking about Witch Bridge (a completely different story, mind you), while I was playing with the cats. I retreated to the frontroom where I had eventually stationed myself on the couch and table with my laptop. Suddenly I see my sister run into the frontroom and she's freaking out, I remove my headphones and she's saying something about our mom freaking out. I was skeptical as to the seriousness of what she said as much of a drama queen as she is. I went around the corner and into the kitchen and she was feeling sick, she had had a light seizure, it's caused by a condition called epilepsy. Basically she starts feeling light-headed and sometimes illness of the stomach can come with it. She said she felt like she was going to throw up so she went to the bathroom. My stupid-ass sister was freaking out and all this other shit which didn't help things any. It wasn't even anything abnormal at that point...

I figured she'd be fine, so I sat back down and put my headphones back on and was working on some music when my sister started waving at me to come to the bathroom. I was getting rather annoyed at this point at her. I walked in there and my mom was on the floor sitting there mumbling to herself and trying to throw up and then she asked me to call her evening job and tell them she wasn't going to make it in tonight, so I did so. Then she did start freaking out. When I came back she was crawling around on the floor talking to things that weren't there but yet still talking to me at the same time and kept saying she couldn't get the feeling to go away. At this point I really was worried and was glad that my sister had just sat down on the couch because the last thing I needed was her freaking out and making it two times worse. She was feeling around the floor for something and talking, searching, she was saying she felt like there was something in there but yet there wasn't. I kept telling her that if she didn't get better within the next minute I was going to call 911 or contact somebody but she kept telling me she just needed to throw up and she'd feel better. No, I knew better than that, you don't act like that just because you need to throw up.

I told her that I was going to call my grandmother who she'd talked to earlier so we could give her a ride to the hospital, and I didn't care wether she thought I should or not, because the way she was acting was not normal, not at all. I called my grandmother and told her what was going on and she got over here as fast as she could. My sister was trying to guide her out of the house while I hurried up and tried to get out to my grandmother's car. As I turned around and they were headed out the door my mom was moaning, and acted like she could barely walk. Then she went and grabbed on to our car and began convulsing and shaking and went fell to the ground and was still moaning but was still shaking and convulsing. I didn't know what had happened, all I knew was that I had to get inside and call 911 and get an ambulance over here because whatever was happening at this point I don't think we could get her to the hospital ourselves. I called 911, gave them the requested info and in a few minutes that seemed like an eternity they got there. Her eyes were rolled back into her head, and despite the moaning and heavy breatheing she was infact uncauntious. The medics couldn't get her to come-to, so I helped the two women get her onto a stretcher and they loaded her into the ambulance and shortly after left for the hospital. At this point my grandfather had also shown up. They asked if we were going to come to the hospital, so we did.

We got there and told the woman up front that we were her family and she told us to have a seat and that they would let us know as soon as they knew something about her condition. Eventually her stupid-ass boyfriend made it in, and quite honestly I was pissed he showed up, so was my grandmother, and so was my sister. Personally we didn't feel he belonged there at that time, the last thing we needed was him there. I handed the cellphone to my grandma as she wanted to call my grandfather and tell him we hadn't heard anything yet, but it wasn't working so I took it outside and called as I figured it probably didn't work in the building due to possibilities of interfering with equipment in the hospital. Later my aunt and uncle had shown up, and not too short of three hours to our surprise my mom came walking in. What had happened was a full-fledged seizure. She had never, in her entire life, had one before today. She's going back to the doctor for more testing tommorrow so they can determine the cause of it, as it's somewhat abnormal for a 40 year-old woman to have a seizure like that and have never had one before. I couldn't get the image of her convulsing and shaking, the moaning, the expression on her face, the shaking as she breathed heavily laying there face first half in gravel, half in grass, out of my mind. I still cannot.

Today I felt every feeling I have ever known. Happiness, Excitement, Saddness, Stress, Worried, Disappointed, Angry, the list goes on. When she walked out, I was as glad to see her as I wish I hadn't. No, by that I don't mean I wish she had died, do not take it that way. But I was very disappointed, mad, and upset at her at the same time, because of things I found out as my grandmother dug into the depths of her purse while we were looking for any prescription drugs she might have been taking. You can speculate by that, that perhaps she had illegal substances or a number of things in her purse, but it's far more personal than that, and a family thing, but it's not drugs or things like that. Let's just say that financially she's worse than she's ever been, and she better hope to god that sometime straightens the mess she's got herself, no, her family in, me and my sister and her, out, because it would take a miracle to do it. At the rate she's going, we're going to be living on the street. Thank god I have grandparents that care about me and my sister so much and have said that if anything like that ever happened, we could live with them. My mom, I don't know about, however.

I'm looking into getting some Skinny Puppy music, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for some songs to look for? Or albums as a whole, too.

Had to take Ninja Gaiden back to Movie Gallery today after a 5 day rental (for once I'm glad they enforce 5 day rentals on anyone that rents there), and must say I'm disappointed to take it back. Usually I never rent games or buy them anymore because I beat them within the first day or so of buying them, obviously not worth $50 you pay for games nowadays brand new. Well anyway the game was fun and gave me a challenge, I'm not sure how many 'chapters' there are in it but I'm on chapter 5. I'm considering purchasing it, has alot of replay value (I would know, my idiotic sister saved over my game so I had to start over once, stupid cow). Gotta love it though, ninjas fucking rock. Except those stupid asshats that throw explosive shurikens...

This is a long one, so bear with me those who actually read it rather than scrolling down and reading the bottom few lines.

"Let the chips fall where they may." That was what Tyler Durden said in fight club. To quit trying to control everything. To just let go. To quit trying to make everything the perfect that it will never be. People never think when they watch movies as they get engulfed in the life if a ficiontal character often times better off or maybe worse off than they are.

It never really occurs to people until later if at all that some things are true for everyone they know or sometimes just themselves. Self-denial. It's a denial that you develop as an escape from a fact that troubles you day and night and can be seen through the actions you take. You think you're living day to day. Same shit, another day. Same struggle to try and make everything hold so that any sanity that you may have will stay intact so you can attempt to remain strong enough to fight for yourself incase someone were to attempt to end it all prematurely by taking that last thing that you can really call yours.

Sometimes it's not that bad or so you think to yourself. The usual routine of supposedly waking up in the morning from a sleep that you don't know you really had. Getting dressed in something that's deemed approcpriate by the communist state of a school system that uses equality as an excuse to trap you in a room with other kids who're considered to be mentally retarded and are willing to do anything so long as you have the negotiating and reasoning skills of a 4th grade child. Obviously never be equal to the rest of the human race as sad as it is.

You face a sadness, laughter, and sympathy as you don't want to be empathetic towards them but sometimes would still wish better for them, even if they do make you laugh at the absurdity of it all or sometimes creep you out. Then once you make it past that you can attempt to finish your own holy crusade in your own mind of promising vengeance on that bitch art teacher who needed the word "rehash" shoved up her ass where it belonged, or so you can take down that debate coach who only knows anything knowledagble about half of the possible events you can enter leaving you to not only learn on your own being 100% more productive than him but to come out in the end being smarter than him about what he doesn't know and what he does.

Your home life is meaningless as suddenly the clock disappears when you get on the internet supposedly escaping the world but in reality you're connected to more than you ever would be in school or your existence as a whole. You find friends like you and wish they were there in place of the ones you do know (or atleast some other people you know from school who serve as nothing more but distraction or a sign of pain from the past to torment you mentally since as you try and heal the wounds they have cut in your throat everytime you see them they rip your bandages right off and re-open the wounds).

Then you lose the internet. The service provider is some old woman and her husband who used to run a flea market the eventually got shut down due to lack of business. Lazy, unproductive, and meaningless, what job would be more fitting than one where you watched internet accounts and a person's next due date on a bill all week doing nothing more than floating around cyberspace reading compiled ones and zeros. You're left for a week and a half without a conduit between you and people you've never met that mean something to you. You watch more tv in that 10 days than you have in an entire year. You no longer appreciate the night life and fall into conformity, waking up at 6 am and going to bed at 10 pm just so there's someone there even if every last conversation with them amounts to nothing. The additional bonus at the end of the level: you hate them.

Suddenly time returns as a force in your life. Suddenly tv becomes the clock as you watch 30 minute cartoons or shows on nickelodeon, mtv, or cartoon network. You are able to tell what time it is by the beginning and end of a show,and what show it is, maybe even if it's a new episode or not, or just a repeat of yesterday's which sucked. You damn them and their re-runs. But wait. What's this? Suddenly a two hour special appears on mtv and in a desperate escape from re-runs after re-runs of viscous cartoon antics you begin watching it. You really don't care if it's Brittany Spears, right? No, not at all. Suddenly you realize that you've lost all track of time thanks to that special. Until the end, you will have no idea what time it is, and things seem to slow down to a sluggish pace resembling that of what would probably be that mono-toned debate teacher. Soon Family Guy is on, and you remain up until Aqua Teen Hunger Force ends which you instinctivly know by now is over at 11:30. You fall asleep. Maybe tommorrow the internet will return...

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Brain washing was never more fun.

Somehow I managed to survive an entire week without the internet which is unusual considering that I'm usually on the internet 90% of the time that I'm not sleeping. Pathetic, I know, but that's literally how little there is to do here. But in the process I took the time to play Ninja Gaiden on my x-box, and watch Last Samurai and 28 Days Later. Also applied for a job. So I guess my time off wasn't all that useless.

I just recently started playing a table-top miniatures game called Warhammer 40K, which is a table-top miniatures game. For those of you (I'm assuming the majority) who're unfamiliar with this game, it's a futuristic game that takes place in the 41st century when everything is ravaged by war. There are several factions you can play as, too, each with their own background and reason for battle. The game itself has missions and objectives, and is comparible to the pc game Starcraft in that aspect. It's an expensive game to get started on but is well worth the fun and time. You buy pieces which are like models, as you have to glue them together (mostly customizable), paint them yourself, and mount them on their base. You don't have to paint them but you can do some really cool paint jobs as I'm going to post that I've done on mine. Another fun part of it is building terrain to play on, which I'm also posting. This last week off and on I've been working on terrain for the game and have completed a board :D It's about 3.7 ft. by 4 ft. and contains obstacles and more :D

The toxin pools

This is the south-west side of the board. You can see where toxin pools are dominant, there's crater formed out of some foam stuff I carved and stuck down using wall-repair putty. I made the ground out of sand and spray painted it, and a few pebbles are scattered about. I also used old vaccum tubes and painted them black for the pipes the toxin appears to be coming from.

The rest of the board

On the right side you can see the black structure where a charred bunker is, made out of an old container. Next to it is a smoke-stack/tower made out of a wierd part of the end of a vacuum tube. Next to that is a complex of smoke stacks/towers, the biggest just some junk laying around my grandfather's garage, and the two smaller stacks next to it a tube I cut in half that was also in the same junk pile. Next to them you can see a vent to an underground tunnel (i'm just making that up, there's no tunnel there, but I'm gonna say that's what it's for since you can't open it ;)), made out of some wierd thing on a pool pump (again from the junk pile), and then another pipe leaking toxin (more vacuum tubing).

The entire project was based around junk and stuff found freely around the house, the only thing I had to spend money on was spray paint which doesn't cost much at all. It went very well in the end :) And now these guys can play on it that I've painted (5 down, 11 to go)

The models, thusfar

Just a little bit of dust
To throw in your face and choke,
So you'll have something to do
While they continue all the
Things they put you through.
Laugh it up, its one big joke,
Life was always a failed test,
God's little experiment gone wrong.

Figure this if you can,
They all just sang along,
So while you screamed
We could just keep the smile,
Because we couldn't get enough.
You just aren't all that tough,
But you know that.

Eye for an eye
Just what you deserve,
Eye to eye
Your logic is so disturbed
That you see without sight,
But now things are being set straight,
And you will have to like it,
And you may try to fight it,
But know this you always fail it.

They're wall to wall,
And you're soon finding that
You were never above the law,
And that they had always known,
But you took the chances,
Always your fatal flaw.

Stand up, March,
Just keep on moving,
You're getting yours.
Dive, and cry,
It's time for us all to have
The revenge we were denied.
See how if feels,
When we just rip at your flesh,
And it begins to peel,
To get under the skin.
We pick our way through,
Kill your thoughts,
Murder your mind,
My my, you're pretty weak,
What a find.

No cure for the tragic,
Just more weights on their heads.
Some fall over, and all is balanced,
The time keeps on moving,
The time keeps on moving,
The time keeps on moving,
The time keeps on moving...