silentzorah

The more I play Black Mesa, the more I realize Half-Life is just Doom.  Mysterious science base dabbles in weapons development and teleportation, something goes wrong, monsters overrun the base, and you go to their world to stop them.

And shoot a fuckton of stuff that wants you dead in the process.

Sounds familiar to me.

Changed up the Mastermind so that she's not a dirty hitscan spammer.

Has anyone ever stopped to think about how Cacos and Lost Souls open doors?  I mean, I'm guessing the Use key implies you have to interact with it with your hands.

Crossbows are fun.  Gatling shotguns, even better.

Cyberdemon's new attack patterns.  Becomes more aggressive at half HP, like the Mastermind.

There's Nintendo Hard, and then there's The Plutonia Experiment.

Stumbled upon this - Retribution Dawns, D64 style, by impboy4.  I dig it.

Sorry for the lack of content/updates.  My life has basically gone straight to hell, and it's not coming back anytime soon.

Goofing about with the Pointman class.  FEAR inspired, I thought the map would fit well.

I've been sitting on this for a while, and I feel now's a good time to finally talk about this. This is why I released the last version of Zagemod as final, and why I haven't touched the game since September of last year.  Strap in, this is a long read.

For the last couple of years, I worked at a local gun range. I got really invested in firearms and grew to be a rather good shot. During this time, I only played Doom occasionally.  Development on mods slowed due to exposure to firearms on the regular. It's like playing a racing game when you're a trucker. You get tired of it and want to experience something else in your downtime. This was no different.

My first manager was quite chill and greatly valued what I brought to the organization. He treated me well and I was good at what I did. That all changed when he resigned and went back into the medical field, and I got an asshole for a boss. And this guy had it out for me. No matter what I did for this guy, there was always something wrong with it. I could follow instructions to the letter and get written up for it with him. I developed trust issues with him and my coworkers as I was being gaslit. I began to hate my job and the range.

In January of last year I was diagnosed with lead poisoning, and kidney function was impacted. Over the course of six months, I did eventually recover, but while I wasn't allowed on the range proper, my boss made it quite clear to me that I was worthless for it. He went on to tell me that every single one of my coworkers complained about me because I wasn't able to go on the range due to the lead exposure. This abuse worsened when they brought in a new guy, and he was also great at what he did.

I have and had no problems with the new guy, in fact we're still friends today. But because he was new and because he was a talker, the abuse from my superior worsened, and I was talked about negatively frequently within earshot by my boss.

In May, one of our shift leads had a negligent discharge in the store, behind the counter with a .22LR pistol. The bullet went through the counter, passed through three caps of pepper spray canisters, and nearly struck a coworker. Said coworker quit on the spot. The other guy was fired. His duties fell to me, which meant I was back on the range despite doctors telling me I wasn't supposed to be. Boss leaned on me harder, putting more work on me, forcing me to run more MG rentals for customers. Then, in September, disaster struck.

Two of my coworkers were handling one of their AR-15 SBRs with a brand new can on it. Coworker A handed the rifle to Coworker B, who pulled the bolt back to check the chamber, shouldered the weapon, aimed down the sights, and squeezed the trigger. Bang. An M855 penetrator was sent screaming past my head and through six sheets of drywall and one piece of plywood before being stopped by a steel support beam in the supply room. Before I could chew him out for nearly ventilating my head, he set the rifle down and quit on the spot.

After I performed damage control and assessed that no one had been hurt, I stepped out while the boss handled the mess and took a breather. I returned to work, but I was no longer the same person. I could have been killed. I wished I had been killed.

The next day, I was written up for failing to stop the accident, which every single other person working there agreed it wasn't my fault. I told them I'm not okay after this, and after burning my hand on an AK's upper receiver, I took nine days off from work for mental health.

Upon returning, I was greeted with even more hostility. I sought counciling for it, and was diagnosed with severe PTSD. Upon being cleared for work with restrictions for mental health reasons, I went in the next day to hand my medical clearance in. The boss didn't even read it. He cast it aside and said I was to be reassigned to a position I'm not capable of doing, or I could quit. So I quit and haven't been back. Since then, my PTSD has worsened, and my diagnosis was upgraded to chronic.

Ever since then, I developed an aversion to firearms being held by others. I am easily startled by loud noises, gunfire or not. During New Years, my crime-ridden neighborhood rung with illegal machine gun fire. And, following my leaving my job, I stopped playing Doom. I physically can't deal with the thought of someone shooting me right now. The thought of it happening to someone that hasn't experienced it is different from someone who's had it happen to them.

I do hope at one point I can return to the game without my PTSD getting in the way, whether it's playing, modding, or music. But right now, it affects me negatively. I've played for 30 years, and it was a big part of who I am and what I do. But for now, I'm retired from it.  I hope one day I can return to it without past trauma rearing its ugly head.

Spawn grenades are done!

Man, ZScript is hard.  -_-

The sentry turret is functional.  Just need to port it to all of Gunner's weapons now.  Got a buddy working on some artwork for hovering drones, will probably downscale it and use for sprites.  Should be fun.

It's painful to watch someone badly play a mod I made.

Having your name stricken from the credits of something kinda sucks.

I'm sure I'm the only one that thinks this on the face of the planet, but... For whatever reason, I just like the original Half-Life better than HL2.

Slow motion OP.

I just can't get enough of this song.

Is it me, or are there fewer subforums here than I remember?

I hate my job.  I never have time for vidja gaems.

One month into new job, and I love what I do.  It's tough work, but I really enjoy it and the people I work with.  I hope I can do this for a long, long time.

Flamethrowers - oil or propane?  I prefer the oil based ones, myself.

Can you smell what the Zor is cookin?  No?  Oh.

Depression fucking blows and I hate it.  Of all the demons I can murder violently, the only one I can't kill are the demons from within.

Pardon the radio silence.  Started new job, work brutal hours seven days a week for little to no pay.  Sucks, but whatever.